Blog Karma

The other day, intending to change the style of the TKR webForum, I was really depressed, so for a day I made it totally grey. Freaked everybody out. I thought it was pretty darn funny personally but I guess humor is relative.

When I tried to log into this blog to write a post the other day, I discovered that Google has eaten Blogger. (This sounds like a book title for toddlers.) As fate and total lack of creativity would have it, my login for google and for blogger are identical. Imagine the confusion this causes, when they now have one login that checks both--starting with google.

They give you the "option" to "upgrade" but it's clear it's only optional for the next 10 minutes, so you might as well do it. When I attempted to say "no thanks," it led me in a circle back to the "Upgrade Now!" screen. After about 15 minutes I finally got in and posted the last entry.

Today I figured I would go ahead and upgrade. I saved my template so I could replace all my colors and images and so on, so the blog would look the same. This 'new' version allows tags which I thought would be useful. The interface tells you that you will lose your previous template changes, but you will be able to edit the new one. So I figure, how bad can it be?

Well, now you know. Dark blue with POLKA DOTS! I'm so embarrassed. I feel like I just got caught out by the cool group while wearing ankle-high plaid pants or something.

What the GoogleBloggerThing neglected to mention was that the ability to edit the html of your template, to change background and images, is "not quite yet available."

And to think, I had updated this total dork-squad theme to something that actually looked cool. Well, at some point, they will let me update the new version, and I will revert it to its former glory.

In the meantime, to petition of the gods of the blogosphere to have mercy on my web reputation, I added a vivid color background to the forum, and a little later I will shift the greys into creams/tans. I repent. I genuflect. I grovel. Please give me back my Red Cairo.

The I's Have It

I was thinking to myself about how I've been going through this phase where my eyes and brain both keep 'unfocusing and diffusing', constantly. Driving me nuts. It occurred to me that my "I's" keep unfocusing and diffusing... maybe that is really what it means.

I was signing a check for my kid's karate dojo today and I realized that for a long time now I have the oddest habit: I keep forgetting the "I" in my last name (Gaenir). Literally, I handwrite it, and then I have to go back in and forcibly insert the I into the name, where it doesn't have enough room really. I thought that LD would probably say that this summed up my life pretty well: "not making room for the I."

o0o

I did a session that was two, short, 'sitting in walmart parking lot' illegible piecess, which are often the only kind I get in. I love describing sessions in retrospect, soon enough that hopefully memory hasn't torqued it to inventing, but late enough that feedback allows the tons of "contextual, below-verbal" levels of info to add into the description for much more sense.

1} There were these little glowy balls that were floating around all over the place in the air, and then suddenly there was this mass interruption and everything went to "static-and-black". It looked as if I'd been watching, with my face just inside the screen so it was all I saw, a 3D TV documentary on these things, and then someone yanked the cable and a second later the plug. Very much a "sudden radical interruption". It was pretty novel.

2} There was something physical that had two kinda flat shapes, horizontally placed, parallel with one above the other, and they were connected to each other only at one end, by this space that was between them and slightly inward from the end. (I sketched this. Twice. Badly.)

3} There was this shape, I couldn't tell what it was, but there was a part of it that was very specifically "peeled away" on the corner, rather like in illustrations where they show you a part of something 'peeled away' to show you what is underneath. I didn't feel the point was what was under, but rather the "peeling off of an outer layer."

4} I saw something facing me that had a bunch of small shapes in a horizontal row, but there was this "swollen thickness" around them that later I wished I'd written down as a sort of "glow" but at the time, I just sketched, badly like everything else, my sketching really needs work darn it.

5} I had a combination of senses hard to articulate that I had to render as AOLs through no choice. A sense like a catapult, throwing one thing high and far; a sense like some kind of forced-air-machine, like whatever was being thrown wasn't really solid.

6} I also had several feelings that suggested the physical thing connected near one end was kinda like a teeter totter, or the finger-side of a clamp at the connected end; a strong feeling like, "You push this side down, and the other side goes up."

I was thrown off because right off at the beginning of the session I got this overwhelming sense of a whole bunch of tall parallel shapes. This nearly always means trees. I also had data with no FB and/or wrong, that seemed to me kinda like a rough edged truncated tree trunk, but I wasn't sure if that was a 'symbol' (of 'rough surface' and 'truncated') or if it was literal. And I had other data that is either no FB or just totally off, and I fell asleep once and nearly did a few times, despite the supershort scribbling 2-part session. I may be hopeless if I can't make more decent time for the art, sheesh!

One interesting thing is in the my last several sessions I've had this experience near the end where it's like, I get *so much data* that it's impossible to fathom or articulate. It's like I'm just aware of this giant glob of tons of stuff all at once, and sometimes I am sort of aware of some tiny aspect or six, but it's all moving so fast, there is just no way. I had it on the prayer ribbons target recently, and on the mcqueen session recently, and again on this one.

Anyway the task was from LD who does most of my tasking that isn't from group efforts or my envelope pool, and it was this novel technology, a Reich orgone cloud buster as it's called, and his intent was describe how it worked. I've no idea if I fulfilled that but it was a fun session anyway. Of course, the disaster of my raw sessions vs. the decent form I can put them in if I have time prior to FB is always a little distressing but oh well. The messy truth is here.

o0o

Last night I sat looking at Dor's talisman. It's been hanging on the little shelf by my bed for a couple days. I felt if he wasn't going to be more proactive with me, and I just don't feel him (maybe this is my ignorance, but still!) that I see no reason to feed him my energy. It is a symbiote relationship but if I don't get my part that'd make him a parasite and not to be over personal but at this moment in my life I think I have enough of those and I'm just not in the mood damn it. So I took off his talisman and hung it up and I have looked at it grumpily but refused to wear it, though I never took it off since I got it. Today I gave in and put it back on, feeling like maybe I was blaming him for my own BS.

Soooo.... as usual, my only time to do anything of interest today was about 15 minutes in the car, while Lu shopped. At this rate someday I'll be on Geraldo talking about "How I found omniscience in the Walmart parking lot." (Just kidding.)

It was TIME to do a meditation. I tuned into my sacred space and then wondered where I was. I often appear in different places and usually I figure that is a form of self communication too. I was way the heck away from the castle, I was over in the space where I began all this years ago, the plateau.

In fact, ironically I never noticed this until not long ago, but my "sacred space" that I made for myself a dozen years ago looks slightly like part of the background pic of this blog. It's a super high "plateau," one of those funky desert looking things, and when I look down the back, way down there is a meandering river. Down the front there is a cage elevator that gets me down to the ground, then there is a small cornfield, and I go through that and then a little clearing and a cave.

I go into the cave and in a ways, there is a tiny creek that goes under the ground just before the entrance. I walk beside the creek until I reach a tiny stone bridge that is one of those little shallow arch footbridges that leads across. Just on the other side, a few steps from the bridge, is a big stone archway that is a doorway out of the cave.

When I exit it, I'm in a different 'inner' reality. I turn right and walk alongside a tiny field, then left and go across it. In the center I reach a big tree, with some little white benches around it, where my inner guide waits. I trace it back exactly to return.

At one point I built a tiny 'pavilion' for the 'four elementals of soul' (3 and me, or "the 4") that was way off to the right of where my armchair sits on the plateau. It was lovely, mostly open, with columns, and on its own little plateau surrounded by sky. Then one day I came in and it had grown massively into this whole castle that was over on the longer, main plateau, way off to the right. This was early this year when these meditations were so autonomous and profound... there's just no putting it in words.

There was a huge walled garden extending about 1/8 of a mile off to the left. Inside the garden there is a really long thin pool-like shape (shallow like a fountain) that goes all the way through it, and inside this at the bottom is a colorfully tiled DNA helix. Don't ask me why. The '4' of DNA is about the only correlation I can make there.

Anyway, on the other side of the garden stairs up to the castle proper. In the middle of the castle on the top level is a roof and that is usually where I appear of late, on the other side of it. The sunsets are quite lovely there and far, far off in the distance, I can see what I am suspicious are dragons flying near the high mountains. There is a big river that goes by the other side of the castle.

In the middle of the castle is a winding square staircase that leads up to a big circular room with a giant symbol (dunno what yet) on the floor, and they call this room the 'tower'. Even though it isn't taller than the rest of the castle and isn't a typical tower. Which is where the Senior (the top of 'the 4') has me come to work with 'the consortium'... the next ring of identities involved in my larger soul. Or... something.

That was way more boring stuff than anybody wanted to know. Moving on.

o0o

I decided prior to going to the tower, where I am way overdue I know, I need to do an archmed on this weird "de-focussed" effect I've had lately. I have really had a hard time lately, haven't meditated in quite some time, and the last time I tried literally everything was semi-opaque, distant and unreal. This seemed ok, not as good as usual but ok. It improved as I went on. So I got to IG, and realized it'd been awhile, and I hugged him --

--and then realized, or understood, that I have actually been avoiding meditation because of my response to him. I had no idea consciously. The last few times I've seen him I have noticed more and more that he is not human, and despite that on that inner world, entities can be anything, all my guides have been human until him. Each time I have seen him he seems to get a little bit more... um... amphibian. The last time I saw him I really noticed the small open gills on him, the spots on him, and his eyes seemed more black, and his skin more... rubbery sorta. A part of me pulls back in semi-repulsion from this, even though the more dominant, conscious me, insists on finding it novel and ignoring that.

"So I was avoiding you," I say, "realizing" that HE has given me this realization when I hugged him. He nods. "I'm so sorry," I say. "Please. I remember when I first met you I couldn't even see you. I know it's like a denial. Please don't go less visible on me last time. I can't stand it. I truly want you to be YOU, whatever you are. I want to know you, in your most natural form."

"Are you sure?" he says. Suddenly a bit unnerved, I stammer, "Yeah, sure!"

He turns into this huge creature that is probably 20 feet high, looks sort of like a frog/toad but also like something else I can't even name, and he sits there and looks down at me.

"Um." I say, struggling to be polite and to keep my word. "So. Um. This is the real you! Wow. That's. Um. That's really... really interesting!"

He sat there and looked at me. I stood there and looked at him. Silence.

"SOooooo," I say, knowing that he KNOWS whatever is inside me, so pretending anything is just SO beyond stupid, "Are you more comfortable in that form than you are in the humanoid form you usually wear with me?" I could only hope not.

"It doesn't matter to me," he says.

I nearly breathed a sigh of relief. Good. I would not be morally obligated to interact with that form then. "Well then... nothing personal but I would really prefer you in a humanoid form," I said apologetically. It's not you!" I assured him hastily, "It's me, you know, I'm simple, easily scared, and I just relate more to species closer to mine." Heh. Nice save. Almost.

Back in his humanoid form, looking rather like an overpale Trill from Star Trek (ok, with small gills as well as spots, lol) he waits for me.

I feel so guilty. I mean, he is part of me. I know he is part of me. I love him, he has done so much for me, he is so wise and brilliant and -- and WTF kind of spiritual path makes your wise inner self a giant alien-amphibian frog-like creature? How come other people get little pink Jesuses and typical Buddha or Native sorts, and I get totally freaky things?!

I felt sort of... I dunno. Not really ashamed of myself, not a bad-guilt feeling, more like a sorry-I'm-not-more-evolved feeling. Like, "Yeah, be who you are!--er, as long as you're like me."

o0o

I tell IG I want to work with an archetype that somehow relates to this weird defocussing of late, and I add for good measure "and that will do me the most good from the med in the limited time I have for it." I close my eyes, turn around, and open them to the arch. For an instant I nearly see something, and then --

-- I see this panel, like a solid object about 2.5 feet wide, 4 feet tall, and about 2 inches thick, vertical flat-facing me, with a horizontal bar running right through the middle of it, and it is spinning slowly on the bar.

I just stand there looking at it like an idiot for a bit. It is always offputting to me when my archetype is an object instead of something I can talk to and I always end up talking to the archetype as if there is an invisible person standing next to it that is actually the 'real' archetype and whatever I see is just some projection.

I watch it spin. I'm asking myself, what does this mean? Should it be spinning, or not? What should I be doing here to interact? I ask it, "what do I do?" and it moves toward me and so I let it merge into me, and I become that funky flat shape slowly, irregularly spinning.

I feel myself defocus. Yes, this is it... feels rather like that. Slightly dizzy. Losing track of what is around. I force myself, now the object, to stop and be vertical, and I think at a space next to us where I imagine something easier for me to imagine having a consciousness is standing.

"So... it's that I'm... um... spinning?" I ask. The shape of us changes, and the bar changes, and then there is a small ball in the middle, like a large ball-bearing, that somehow has its own elevated, stable nature, and now I am spinning in every direction, like one of those triple-ring things they use in the space program and they have at fairs. "Whoa..." I say, and I 'sense' that I'm starting to feel some info now.

One thing is that I feel it's relevent that in order for this spinning to happen I have had to completely lose track of my 'center' feeling. "So I need to... focus on my center," I say, thinking this sure was a lot of trouble to go through only to be told something that even I, dim as I am some days, could have told myself.

I felt something change, and suddenly I was moving all over, and various walls and things around me I was in danger of running into, and some were moving toward me, literal chaos ensued until I forced myself not only to hold the center but to hold an 'awareness' of where everything else was and "keep it equidistant from me" so that I could remain in the center.

"Ah," I say slowly, starting to get it. "So it isn't just about centering myself. It's also about maintaining an awareness of what is around me, because that is a big part of truly centering myself. When I tune out of what is around me--just like defocusing my eyes--I also lose the needed awareness for maintaining my own center--the I." That seemed sorta right. I don't think I totally got this accurately but it was the best I could do.

And then I'm sorry to say that I forget the rest. I do think I ended it but I can't remember. Lu scared me when he opened the door, I yelped loudly, and the last of it fell out of my head.

o0o

Later tonight I went down to see IG and I hugged him, and I asked him to take his real form and I flew up to gently lay on top of his giant head to rest on him. He was kinda slimy. Apparently psychic amphibians are slightly icky too. He warned me but as I landed I said, so what... I'll take a psychic shower. And I laid on him and told him I loved him and I was sorry for being so reactive earlier.

I hope this weekend to get some more 'serious' meditation done esp. in the Tower.

Chess

There is a book called "The 8" by Katherine Neville which is a great novel. I bought it a zillion years ago when it came out and liked it so well I bought copies for several friends. One of the concepts that was sort of 'grafted on' to the larger (complex, but good) plot was that of people literally playing the role, unknowingly, of pieces in a chess game. Social and political and historical changes happening, and someone who... has a very long term outlook on things shall we say, manipulating little things here and there to bring about a combination of people and circumstance for a certain end.

o0o

The last week, perhaps in response to getting enough sleep for a whole 3 nights running a week ago, I've been working insanely. Trying to catch up during the day with a job that was really slow and then just as I got handed more work because it was slow, my normal work exploded. Then when I get off at night, I launch into trying to get some of the early Taskerbot (junior) features up inside TKR at the Dojo Psi.

I swear, web coding, testing, etc. is so insanely time consuming it's ridiculous. Only other webworkers really know what I'm talking about. Even when it's programming or design it's still essentially the tech-secretarial job that, like Grapenuts cereal, seems to breed and multiply while in your bowl, until eventually you're gasping, My God, I'm still not done! Will this ever end??.

o0o

I took a little break to do a quick session last night just in time for the task closing at Radical RV. Eh. Didn't go great, but I feel I kinda understood the feelings when I saw FB so I don't mind. Certainly better than the last one which was an interesting session though alas on a completely different target apparently lol.

On the recent task, I got a common personal symbol (a sense of something going straight up into the sky and it just keeps going, something intangible) for death yet "muted" somehow; more flowing and not as sharp (as dead bodies and death events normally come through). Wasn't sure what to make of it due to the difference. Sometimes frequency-based technology targets have some similar feelings as targets I've done on death and spirits and such (weird, eh? maybe that is reflecting us all being energy-information at base?).

I came 'down from' where the sense had gone up and got "A creative embroidery" and a sense like threads of energy weaving, or something like that, I nearly said strings and now wish I had. ;-) Then I had a similar but different sense I assumed was the same thing (it wasn't) which on FB looks/feels exactly like the bottom of the interesting tree in the FB. So on the bright side I can see in retrospect that when I intended to go downward I did quite literally go down to the ribbons tied to the tree and then just below them, can't get more down that that.

I had a repeated gut feeling that was pretty clear that I was intrigued to see FB on to figure out. It was very much a feeling of energy and yet I figured of something real. It was like at first everything was energetic, normal, and then there was this sort of surge where the ideogram started, and then a sense of it compressing, getting tighter, stretching out, and then finally into a totally flat line of frequency, I even used the term 'flatline' because I still had that sense of death somehow being involved. (I had this vague assoc with my husband laughing about a political situation, Castro is said to be 'very stable', kinda like how the French doctors reported that Arafat's "condition had stabilized"---once he was dead. LOL.)

Then I got some data, there's no FB but it's not the 'focus of the target' so it doesn't matter. Then I saw this Maltese Cross, and there were "radiance rays" coming from it like a thing of spirit. Except oddly, I got exactly that shape--- sans the radiance--- for the HAARP target, so now I associate it with tech! That was a bit confusing, but I went with the spiritual angle given the sense of glory. I had a sense/sketch of something that on FB I see WAS basically the ribbon material but I didn't record it well enough for that to be clear I think.

Then I got a sense of land, not just like 'dirt and grass' but literally "land" like where the heart is, and I felt that the actual land had something significant to do with the target or its nature. That was hard to articulate and I believe this was good data, but not real obvious; next time I'll know to try for more on that kind of data. And lastly, though this was also early on, I kept getting overlays of something like a heart rate monitor, I started to write down "or seismometer" but felt some AOL would screw up my data (...actually I think it was ok overlay given the origin of the target -- the event which THIS target event memorializes is 'intrinsic' to the target), and again that sense of normal energy> pulse/event> tiny really tight compressed frequency> flatline.

The target turned out to be a bit disappointing given my session LOL, it was all these ribbons tied around a tree as a memorial to the tsunami victims. So... aside from the visual of the tree bottom which I wrongly recorded as 'flowing over' (it looks like that!) and the ribbon which I badly recorded as compared to a sine wave and maybe, if we stretch just a little, the radiant maltese cross as some symbol of spiritual... my data has no application to the target focus. Some may seem to relate to what is intrinsic to the target focus (the tsanami and the deaths); I don't mind having data that relates to such things, I just don't really get credit for it. Ah well. The sorta pitiful session -- but great learning experience -- is here.

The current Radical RV task is from RV Sam and closes/FB 10pm Central this Sunday. Another opens tonight that I task. We are keeping this group small but still have a little room for those interested. If you apply, don't do it anonymously with email hidden ok. I want to know who is asking to join my small private group, though I welcome folks to uses aliases in the group if they wish. Yahoo doesn't have any way for me to communicate with an applicant to ask, if they don't have email available, so I have to just not approve it which I'm sure offends!

o0o

So I bet you're wondering why I mentioned The 8.

I was thinking last night, in the 14 seconds between climbing into bed and falling unconscious, about Remote Viewing. About group souls, as Seth puts it. About a higher self that may have more than just our identity and how our lives may be affected by the will/intent/motion of things from another level up. And of the idea of people being in a really big chess game that we haven't the longevity to observe.

Back in May of '95 I had a very weird repeated OBE experience with "a soldier in a graveyard" whom I felt "had died doing something very unusual, very 'mental' in some way." (Article here.) That spawned something different, and in October '95 I was finally able to pull to full conscious recollection a six month chronic series of what I call 'programmed dreams', and knew that because I'd finally done that I was free of them. (Article here.) Ironically, this involved mention of---I am not making this up---the CIA. The next day I heard about RV and was totally obsessed from then on. I'm sure the CIA connection is coincidence right? And RV's connection to a 'solder who died doing something unusual and mental' is coincidence too, right?

I just happened to meet several former stargate people (viewers, scientists, consultants) over the years. I just happened to become friends with some of them. (I often feel that meeting Joe (McM) has been one of the things that has made all the years of BS in the RV field worth it, simply because he and his wife are such exceptional human beings.) Yada yada, stuff just happens. In 1997 I nearly left the field but had literally a shamanic vision one night that kept me in the loop until mid-1998 when I left for four years.

o0o

So.... Out of all the people in the world and even this country who would love to have met all the people I have, in person and through other means, how come it was me who got to do it?

Of all the options and opportunities that there were only a few of and yet a zillion in line, how come they came to me?

I used to feel, in the old days around '97, like archiving everything was literally a spiritual duty, because I had this access to people and info that so many wanted to have and didn't.

Is it possible that my higher self fully intended for me to become involved with RV, and if things have gone well for me in it and I just happened to chance into a lot of people and info and so on, is it because, in part, it's a matter of 'True Will'?

o0o

Might it all be a big, cosmic-sized game of chess in the end. Where I am both a pawn and a Queen depending on what level you are looking at it from.

Where my reasons for a movement of interest, location etc. are not just what I think they are but actually exist on many different levels, for different reasons, just like how a dream can be symbolic of the body but also of psychology and also of spirit and also slightly precognitive about world events---all in one.

Maybe our lives are like that. Maybe my driving obsession with building online RV tools and community and archives and an infrastructure to help perpetuate it into the future and not lose the knowledge we have, relates to more than my intensity as a personality in general. Maybe my future is somehow tied into it. Maybe my higher self is placing me like a Bishop here, and then at some point I will be ready for his planned move that moves me elsewhere. Maybe we think of life as happenstance and daily events but really it's just a lack of perspective and being too close to it. From a distance, maybe it would be evident that it is all just...

Chess.

Dog Spirit

OK I know I was going to bed, but I was quick reviewing my RSS and caught a post I'd missed on Mark's cool Mindblogging. It reminded me of a short little experience I oughtta mention somewhere.

It was Spring of the year 2000 and I moved to NE OK, flat edge of the Ozarks, to live near my dad and grandmother. I was still moving in -- delivered but not unpacked. Ry was with her grandma, my dad was outside somewhere doing yard work and I'd spent the morning putting dishes away out of boxes, and was worn out.

I went into my bedroom, which had nothing in it but my mattresses, and literally fell face down on top of them to just get a nap. After what seemed an instant I stood up, feeling fine all the sudden. I turned to the window behind me, which had no curtains, and looked out at the backyard. There was no fence to the left of us, and our backyard was open to many other yards and the grass alley between the rows of houses here.

Some man was playing with his dogs in my backyard. That seemed a bit odd, but the dogs were loose so I guess I figured they'd just kind of mosey'd on over from some other yard. He was running and leaping and turning and they were leaping all over, from full grown to puppies, and there was such a sense of joy about it all.

I thought, how interesting that they are all black, like the same kind of dog -- he must raise those kinds of dogs.

And then I realized that I couldn't hear the dogs. I mean they were just feet away from my window, barking and leaping in delight with this guy, but I couldn't hear anything at all. I thought, now that is so odd!

I looked at the fellow, who was turned away from me, and as if drawn by my attention he turned and looked at me.

I was totally shocked. His face was covered with black dog-fur! Not like a dog head, or well sorta, but his head and features were human, it's just that his skin was like a dog's back and maybe his eyes were a bit offbeat.

HE was totally shocked too apparently! It was obvious he couldn't believe I could SEE him, or maybe he was just amazed to see ME, but in any case, we spent a couple of full seconds just staring at each other open-mouthed in utter astonishment.

Just at that instant, my father started the chainsaw and I was nearly thrown back in my body.

I wondered if I'd dreamed that. It felt much more OBE though. I was so mad that dad had chosen that moment to interrupt one of the coolest experiences!

After that I kinda wondered about what we don't see, and the stories of people with animal heads and stuff like that.

In the Center

I used to spend a lot of time "in the center," as I called it.

Basically it's just a concept-visualization of a superstring that goes through me, from the core of the earth to the center of the galaxy, and which IS "me." The more I pull myself to exact center of it, the better I feel.

Last night I practiced a little meditation doing that again, what must surely be the most simple of meditations.

I decided to try a remote viewing session while "holding that" state. I was fairly optimistic that, if for no other reason than because it was novel, it would probably get a good session.

Eh. It was ok. Clear target contact, but difficult to translate. I think the target itself was not ideal for me at this time is all, as I'm still working back the curve.

I'm too lazy to go get my book to scan. I had this sorta sketch, I felt there was a person in the middle, and these arms that weren't arms stretched out and seemed tied to something or holding on to something. I had the sense of sleeves without arms or something being used to hold a person or to hold on. I don't know what my brain was doing but I wrote 'paramedic'. LOL. Oh yeah, I had a sense of some kind of emergency like some person needing rescued. I also got that there was something "missing" from some important structure or object. It turns out the target was Princess Di with several kids in Angola at an orthopedic hospital and most all of them were missing a limb of some kind, haha. It was poor data only because I didn't know how to translate it properly. I didn't get much on her though, aside from a wrist cuff or bracelet that made me think of a woman (she was wearing a visible watch).

I found that the attempt to stay "in the center" actually is clearly different than whatever feeling I normally have when I am opening to target data.

See way back when, and this is one of those things nobody else could possibly believe because it sounds so ridiculous and fake, but of course when you are in the state of mind to do this sort of thing it all seems perfectly normal, heh! -- when I was doing this 'center' thing a whole lot, particularly in late '94, I had this period of time where I could, as I put it, "feel the thread of truth."

For example, I could read the paper, books, or something written by a coworker (so I could ask them about stuff), and I could feel what was true and wasn't, and to what degree. I could feel when the truth variance came from the author's intent vs. something else. I could feel it when a word was inserted by someone else like an editor. It felt "cold" in a way hard to describe. I could feel it when the author was writing along fluently and then stopped and rearranged a sentence(s); it felt just like if you took an energy stream, stopped, grabbed a segment, and mixed it up. Now that I know about RV, I think to myself, what an awesomely useful skill! But at the time of course, it was just one of a million things in my life that seemed normal after awhile. I haven't had that since I semi-suddenly 'devolved' between 96-98.

So I thought that since that state seemed so "attuned to truth," that maybe it would be great for RV. But it took me forever to do a small data poor session and I was bothered all through it by the dichotomy of wanting to sort of "open/float" when the centering sort of made me "consolidate/ground".

Well, it was an idea. Learning something doesn't work for you is still learning.

As is so often the case, I am "starting over again" in Remote Viewing as of not too long ago, and it's weird but every time, over the years, I have to go through the same development curve! I mean you'd think there would be some of that "riding a bicycle" about it, but for the most part there isn't. One of the most measurable factors is how humans come in. Initially I bluescreen them entirely. Then I totally objectify them (describe them as if they are a tree or building). Then I objectify them somewhat, but recognize in the data that it reminds me of person related data and maybe a certain gender. That is about where I am right now. I don't know what to say about the sessions the other night---I don't normally at this stage of my RV curve get people that well. Then eventually I'd start getting more people, and then a nice dose of psychology/thoughts -- and it's usually around then I quit viewing for a long time and have to start all over again.

One would think... wouldn't one... that maybe that torques my belief system in some way, and sends me into denial.

I may be the most experienced beginner in history. I have more knowledge about it than I need, and more experience from the re-re-re-re-starting over the many years, but still, it is so bizarre how the belief systems, they literally are always trying to close, you have to view EVERY DAY just to keep them fully open, more than once a day to get much progress. They slam shut, perhaps more slowly if you have a longer period behind you of solid viewing, but if you let it go long enough and they do, you're bailing the boat all over again! It's exasperating.

Well, I can't believe I worked like 7-something am to 12:15am today. And I STILL didn't finish an important report I needed to give my boss, mostly because I was working on yet another important report LOL. I hope I'm not too fried to view.

My tasker LD is not yet complaining about my laziness but I need to get viewing more for others and less on paper targets.

I just realized an hour ago that I didn't have to do the starlight session this week because... heh... I'm the tasker! (No brain, no pain.) Any of you who want to secretly do it, I'll post a link to feedback here too on Sunday morning so you'll get some.

First task closes Sunday in the Radical RV group, next one is already open and closes Wednesday. They are ALL mysteries so for fun I really want to do them.

So... that's 2 a week for Rad, 1 a week for SL, 1 a week for TKR, I need at least a few a week on paper targets with myself and a few a week with my tasker. I suppose I should be doing more than that if I want to get anywhere with it. Sigh.

If I could buy anything to improve my life, it would be more time. Not on the backend like long life, but in the here and now like longer days. I just don't understand how a person can hold a FT+ job, raise a kid as mostly a single parent, have a whole second job worth of time invested in programming and communications for online projects, and then still have time to view consistently on top of that.

I guess it's just a matter of what you make your priorities. If viewing was really my priority I would tell the dojopsi and my kid to stuff it and just work and view. But those two 'projects' seem pretty important to me LOL, and I guess until she is older and more independent, and until I finish the variety of in-progress software for the Dojo Psi/TKR that'll make it much more stand-alone and fun, I feel obligated. So, maybe in another six months I'll have more time off TKR. Depends on how fast I code, so I don't know. It'll be several years before I have more time off the kid! But once TKR stuff is done I intend to go mostly offline but for friends, and spend my time viewing instead of coding/talking to support the project.

I assume it can stand on its own at that point. And idiots will not overtake it. But every time I assume...!!


Oh yeah and a P.S. for comments sent me privately (why most people send them private email instead of posting them here I don't know, but that's ok I guess!)

1 - Yes, jellybeans, I am really not kidding. Alternatively, I have an unreasonable love for containers, but I'm trying to keep my house minimalized so... very tiny containers... wallets, ring boxes, whatever... it's a weirdness.

2 - Yes dragon-angel you can join radical but if you're too nice to me even once publicly I'm going to "accidentally" ban your username and claim innocence about why your computer can't get there. I can't stand it when people are too nice to me. Where's my bucket. I'm going to really suck as a guru someday. Hey, maybe now.

3 - Thank you M., but I don't think I need an exorcist, Steve either left on his own or is a part of me now. WHERE'S MY BOURBON AND CHICKS? Hey, who was that?!

OK, off to view now.

Sleep

I went to bed before 10pm last night. I can't even remember the last time that happened. I decided to do prayer-meditations for awhile. I'm out of touch, out of practice. I finally got enough into the groove to feel it.

My prayers to Archangel Michael have changed over the last year or so. It used to be, I just talked to him and well, whatever. But now, when I pray to him, when I really "tune into the feeling," I feel as if I am 'shifted' slightly into an even more devout feeling of Glory be to God. I mean, I feel as if Michael is directing me to that, as if, "That always comes first." As if, he doesn't want to be an idol/demi-deity 'replacement' for God in my mind, but wants to affirm the priority. After that is done properly, THEN I can go on with my prayers.

I so miss Michael. I used to come home every night, and go to this thing I hung on my wall with a rhyming prayer I wrote to him printed on blue and framed, and I would throw my arms out and cant it loudly with as much "oomph" feeling as I could muster. I used to light a candle and incense every night and pray so fiercely to "evolve". Every spare 10 seconds I had in a day, I closed my eyes and "centered." It's no wonder my 'awareness' was so much greater then.

Nowdays I work all day... code some tkr stuff (never enough, and usually by the time I'm ready to add piece 1 to piece 11, I've forgotten what the heck I was doing and have to do it over...), sometimes spend some time with my kid... some time in chat or phone with friends... and if I'm lucky, get a session done... if I get all that into a day, I only get about 3-4 hours of sleep. So, something has to give in order for me to get at least 6 hours sleep. Last night everything gave. I woke up at 6:30 and went back to sleep, overslept, woke up at 9:30. That means after prayer etc. I got probably 10 hours of sleep. That's astounding.

Actually what's astounding is that I feel smart today. Don't laugh. I feel like I have access to my brain. Normally, I only have some percentage of access to my brain. Sometimes, a very small percentage, depending on my sleep. (And, depending on how much wheat/gluten/etc. I'm eating, since I have asthma if I eat that junk and it cuts down my blood oxygen level.) For ten years my kid has been destroying any sleep that would last longer than 3 hours, and I just recently got her trained to believe that mortal doom would descend from the sky if she woke me up for any reason besides gushing blood, the smell of gas or actual flames.

On average, I operate on a fraction of my capability mentally and physically both. Unfortunately, fat is harder and slower to lose than blood and brain oxygen and sleep are to improve. At least the brain, I can help! So for once, I slept enough, and today I have a brain. Of course, I slept all night sitting up with my lab book on my lap, since I was preparing to do a session.

Hmmnn. So... night before last I did a session that sucked, and last night I fell asleep rather than get around to doing one at all. Denial? Maybe the whole person- rapport experience (or belief I had that experience, anyway) caused some rubber band effect of resistance.

The Glass Tower

Well I felt pretty weird all that night but by the next morning, couldn't really find any trace of the 'NewMe' as I'd been calling it.

Well, maybe I am in some fashion different, but it's subtle enough that it doesn't matter.

It did get me wondering about personalities though. Like, author Jane Roberts who channeled Seth, who said at one point that she was an aspect of him basically, well Seth always perceived her more as "Rupert," some personality she had been a century previous I think, even though he said that we live many, many lives. Now I have to wonder, how come he was focused on Jane, yet he perceived Rupert more?

So I got thinking, you know, to simplify this, let us say that you had ten different personalities (ten different lives). Let us say that someone is perceiving more about your soul, more like "the conglomerate of you."

Might it be that the one most likely to come through "most strongly" out of all your personalities, is the one(s) that for whatever reason was "most AWARE"? Generally to me, it seems like awareness relates to the amount of one's fuller-self one is aware of in the moment. So you might say that even though those ten personalities all spring from the same pool of consciousness, that one of them might be 'larger' -- encompasses a larger % of that pool than the others do.

And so, if you looked at Jane (or Steve), even though you were focused on them, if you were perceiving them at some soul-level instead of just the surface, might you get more of the personality-of-soul that is most aware? Which might be another identity?

In this regard, I'm not trying to invent a reason for RV data to match, I'm just trying to understand how my mind works and why things came through like that.

Moving on.

So I did a session last night, first impression was animal and I pushed that aside. My mind proceeded to give me info I would NOT reject. I figure, that this did not relate to the target was my own fault...

I decided to meditate awhile before doing more. I get to my space and remember, grudgingly, that the Senior says I'm to come to the tower more often. I go as if to go there but find myself where I usually prefer to go, out on the top of the castle, looking off one corner toward the distant mountains. Stet usually shows up there. But then all these other people from the tower started showing up, half a dozen, all male. Nero was there.

It was apparent they were following me, since I wouldn't go into the tower... just didn't feel like it.

So then suddenly, this guy, like a workman, walks by carrying this gigantic sheet of glass. I did like a triple-take. This is not the kind of thing that generally happens in your 'sacred space' so to speak. He's one of the guys from the tower, I sense. I say, "What are you doing?!" And he says, "Why, carrying glass!" (doh!)

He does something then, right there in the middle of the open space where I hang out, and after awhile of activity I can't quite make out for purpose or detail, he steps back and I see it.

It penetrates the stone that is the roof of the castle I'm standing on. I couldn't believe it could do that. Then my eyes follow it up and I see it is a really tall, thin, pointed shape made of glass.

I just stand there, trying to figure out what this means. Then hits me: It's A GLASS TOWER. Heh. A tower! Coincidence?? I wonder if my not going in the tower, and some tower aspects coming out to me, relates to the fact that a glass tower just got stuck in my roof and is now sticking way up in the sky.

I look around at them. They look at me. I say, "I have NO IDEA what this means." Nobody volunteers anything.

Aggravated and clueless, I decided to skip the meditation, or more viewing, and just go to sleep, so I did.

Souls

So last night, in part to redeem myself from a lousy session at starlight, I did three 15 minute practice sessions with envelope feedback. I forgot how much I enjoy doing that, and I want to do it daily if I can. Truly, 15 minutes IS enough unless you're really in deep at the stopping point. When I do the time limit, it forces "what is important" to come through because I am not giving my mind the opportunity to make it take me an hour of pleading, basically. It has 15 minutes to show me what it can do and then time is up. The sessions went ok.

Tonight I fell asleep when I sat down on my bed to do the exercises. Hazard of having no non-bed place to do viewing I suppose! After I woke up I decided to do three more sessions, two exercises and one for my daily tasker that is overdue.

The first session went ok. Not great for translation but decent for contact. It was lava taking over a street.

The second session was very odd. Much more of this and I'm going to get a real reputation (ha). From the first moment I had "intense" feelings, and I got that it was a woman, with something in her hands, having those emotions, and feeling doomed, and like everything she knew, her whole foundation had crumbled under her and so on. I actually AOL'd (without comment in session) the target itself!, as it's one that is also in the TKR Practice Studios/Galleries.

There was this odd component in the session though. This is a little embarrassing to admit, but it happened so there it is.

I could see this sort of light-thing, a sort of ovoid shape, sort of floating, hovering, a bit in the air, but I wasn't sure if it was real or not. I mean I knew I perceived it, I just didn't know if it was 'real' in the same way that everything else was. Later, when the light-thing came back and I perceived it more clearly, I described it as:

Like a star, but a shade(ghost) combined. A soul???

I was about to ask for more factual data, and remembered that my time was running out and I had not yet let the target give me whatever data IT wanted most to share. That is part of the Archetype-RV experimental method I've been working on; it's a mutual thing, the target has equal rights, and in exchange for helping me perceive that info, I also let the target choose some of the info I get. And what I got was --

biological lifeform that was here
lacks metaphysical closure.
(e.g., trapped soul)

I then had this 'burst' of plenty of impressions, all far too nebulous and fleeting to record, I was out of time and I ended the session.

So after each session, after I muse on feedback a bit, then I go back to talk to the archetype of the target, and I tell it how great it did and thank it and all that. But this time, I felt this odd sense in my heart chakra, and then it sort of bloomed into this incredibly gushing wave of "compassion" for this woman.

I called on Archangel Michael, and asked him to please give the woman peace and merge her with that light, her soul, and during this I had the sense that I had to really "hold the line of intent and will" about this, just hold on. So I was doing this, and really holding hard to the 'attention and intent', and then I had the most INTENSE body-feelings.

My heart chakra bloomed like it was the size of my body. I got fuzzy-buzzy intensely all through me from head to toe. My head actually went back and my mouth open, in sheer awe. This lasted less than 20 seconds. Then it "resolved" was the feeling and I felt a little odd for a few moments, and then it passed and I felt really calm. Like it was ok now and she is at rest.

Like wow, man. (Session here.)

I felt a little bit stunned, to be honest, but I needed to move on to my next session. I actually felt that I probably shouldn't be doing another one, just because the one prior, I'd really tuned into "her feelings" and didn't feel fully free of that yet, and also because of the experience that came after, I felt like I probably needed some time to integrate what just happened. But hey, I was overdue, so I went ahead into the next session, even though I had the lurking suspicion that one way or another, there was going to be some side-effect from doing this while still a little in the throes of the previous experience.

Could have seen that train coming a mile away, right?

So I get that the next target is a man... and this sense of a dynamic (meaning usually motion) of a circle or circles... both of which it turns out are correct. But apparently now my brain was utterly tuned to the weird ("You're listening to 101.7, K-astral, rocking the universe!") so even though I had enough data to figure it was a man and there was some motion involved, I shortly (remember these are pretty short sessions!) had the sense that he was dead now. Which was correct.

Now if I were coaching myself and had half a brain I would go into that session and say, "Yes perhaps, but 'now' is not the target's timeframe, the time-point is at the time of the photo or tasker intent." But nooooooo, since I was in session, this "shift" into being more interested in the target AFTER he was dead than during the target point was smoooth and I didn't even notice it. Possibly like the 2nd session on the Chernobyl target, I unintentionally retasked myself... that'll teach me.

I kept getting this overlay. Like it was one person and yet two. Shifting back and forth. The man says to me, "I used to BE somebody!" and I sense he is just a man as I know them, but then I also have really weird overlays of egyptian and lots of "death" symbolism and some man with his eyes painted who is somehow also him.

After the session, I mused that perhaps IF -- while we're flying around totally without any rational feedback here, why not?! -- IF a person's soul (or whatever you want to call it) has more than one identity strongly (like the way Seth perceived "Rupert" more strongly than "Jane" when communicating with her), then if you are focused on the "them that they are after death," perhaps you're getting the larger dose of their soul, and perhaps more than one identity could be involved.

When I got more than one data-symbol related to eye/eyes I figured I was dealing with identity (that is just a strong "I" symbol even in metaphysics).

So, I focused in, intensely feeling that I really wanted to "experience whatever the target wanted to share." This was followed by a really ineffable feeling, I can't put it in words, but I spontaneously sort of bellowed in mind,"I mean, what will FIT through me!" (and then laughed at myself). Like I had a 'burst' of stuff that was just way too much for me.

And then I felt like I just... hang on, I'm serious... like I just absorbed into my body... a man. THE man. I felt like we were merged like an energy envelope, and like he was looking through my eyes, except it wasn't him, it was more like...

A me + him² = NewMe.

I sat there for awhile, feeling as if, well, maybe I was different now. I felt different. And then I thought well maybe I need an exorcist. And then I thought well maybe it was destined to be this way: I mean, that my destiny in the future actually counted on the 'addition of him to my conglomerate' at this point.

And then I thought to focus on "how he felt that was different from me:" Older. Calculating. More socio-political smart. A sense of strength. A strong sense of self. I aol'd this latter point as possibly royal or somehow different from me in a way hard to understand -- it felt clear that he had had a lot more "power" than I have, over people, over larger situations, etc. Through all this I was getting the overlay of 'the man' who was 'also' the 'egyptian guy' too.

I didn't want to share my session with my tasker. It was so weird that I felt like, "Well maybe I am hallucinating!" And I thought, "You know, maybe the target is a a boat or something, how the heck would I know, I probably made it up."

On another level I thought, "You're in denial." But I do denial so well--why stop now. In the end, I decided I really don't choose to share that session with anybody, not that this writeup doesn't have far more info than it does of course.

The target was Steve McQueen. A man. Who was famous. But is dead now.

Whether his soul also had an Egyptian identity will have to be one of those "non feedback" points.

Well, it's all very cosmic and stuff, but...

...NewMe still has to work for a living, so I gotta go to bed now.


Edit to add a P.S.: I know this is a personal blog, designated for 'metaphysics and weirdness' and such. But still, I just can't get over feeling like any minute now, someone in the RV field is going to be going, "PJ absorbed Steve McQueen! Hahahaha!" and I'm going to feel like the biggest idiot alive. Sigh.........!

July is almost over.

Saturn is now out of retrograde. Hallelujiah.

Haven't been able to meditate worth a darn. Every time I start I either end up in a daydream or asleep. Will try again tonight.

I've also been really lazy about using any method -- experimental or standard -- for my last week of RV. Not sure why. I am probably being p/a for some reason. Need to do more short exercises to shake it out of me.

Had a bizarre dream that Cassandra Frost was sucking up to Ingo Swann and all the efforts Joe and I were making (in the dream) to do something publicly good for RV and viewers were eventually greatly negated by some negative public thing done by CF. This struck me as funny when I woke up, since I had not been thinking of she or Swann at all in eons so it was a bit out of the blue.

(In a funny sync, I just finished writing that paragraph, and switched windows to add the feedback to a session before I forgot and so I could link to it here in my next paragraph -- and saw a note on the dojo chatmat that CF had entered. No clue who CF is. I don't even look at the users, I ceased to have a clue like 3400 people ago who anybody might be. But it's like it's haunting me lol.)

Finished the starlight session. Really sucked! Didn't feel any sense of contact, so even when I had it, I was so busy fighting the data lest it be aol, that I trashed my own session. I resisted the boat aol SO beautifully ... The awful result is here. (Unreadable, as well.) Ah well. You win some, you lose some. I've been working with LD as tasker fairly regularly and it's getting harder to come up with sessions for him and others and starlight and TKR and now...

Radical RV officially opened today and the first task opens tomorrow the 31st. This is a small viewer group for non-/limited-feedback tasks. My friends and I joke it's the one place where all our sessions will be amazingly accurate hahaha. Two tasks a week. Everyone gets to task. 1 session per six weeks required. We use TKR's tools for posting sessions. We want to keep it small but I'm up for a few more people joining if anybody's interested.

I've been working on TKR stuff each night after work. Trying to finish some "offsite tasker" features designed to make viewer-groups in Yahoo far more fun and less bother, and some baby-bot, simplified versions of Taskerbot, so people can task themselves (mix it up), task friends, do 'tandem' practice, etc. My laptop died and I get sick of sitting in my chair so many hours so I'm doing less all the sudden. Maybe in the 2 weeks while it's getting warranty-replaced, I will finish the Wheel of Time series. I quit reading in early book 8. Need to finish up to 11 and the prequel so I can send them off to someone else, am trying to keep my house in minimalist mode and get rid of stuff.

Speaking of which, my birthday is Sep 14, and I know that no matter what I say sometimes people online will send me stuff, which is incredibly sweet. I'm trying so hard to keep stuff out of my house I recommend JellyBelly jellybeans. No puns about the size of my butt, now. They're yummy and unlike chocolate they don't melt in Oklahoma's indian summers, and most importantly, they do NOT take up room in my house. Unless you are counting my girth. But let's not. Please.

Meanwhile, Joe McMoneagle is finally using his blog (here) regularly, the last couple days and the next couple days he'll be posting. I'm encouraging people to comment, to encourage him to realize someone is paying attention. You know if we can ever get this guy talking more about RV, it'll be invaluable; there is more stuff in his head than most the entire field has available combined everywhere else. (He's a nice guy, too; you'd like him if you knew him.)

Well, Rykah is demanding I come do something with her before sleep. Yeah, she's up late as usual. I hope that this school year I can vastly "regulate" the whole eating sleeping schedule for her, I think it would help her so much, not to mention the issue of my sanity. For now, she is waiting on math practice and some hangman games, so I gotta go. Hell hath no fury like a 9 year old ignored.

In the Cellar

I was supposed to post this day before yesterday. I forgot about 20 times. Then I went to post it last night and I kid you not, I was sitting in bed with my laptop and I clicked the link to come to the admin for this blog and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up an hour later -- I had someone sitting in an IM box! -- admitted I had rather weirdly passed out very suddenly, between one click and another, and just went to sleep instead.

Now I'm taking a break from work just to get it posted. It's so boring and unimportant I can't imagine why I might be in denial of posting about it, unless it's some subconscious reaction, or maybe just that it seems gross and it would be so much groovier if all my experiences could be something that makes me look really cool, man. Heh.

My friend tells me I am so hip I am square, or so square I am hip. I wonder when my friends will just admit I am a total weirdo-nerd and that's just the way it is.

In keeping with being socially unacceptable...

So I keep forgetting the 'wall of fear' exists, in stasis in the tower room, total denial. Then something reminds me that I have to get back to that. I just haven't felt like I had any idea how to deal with it. And the dark side of it was just gross and terrifying. So... time marches on. I'm the Queen of denial, no news there.

Day before yesterday I decided to do an archmed and ask to work with the arch who would best help me deal with the wall of fear... who knows how. I trust IG to work out the details. But I couldn't really see the arch well at all, typical of those I have the most problems with. And sometimes when I almost saw it I would feel fear lurch in my gut and I would find myself breathing hard all the sudden and find something really urgent I needed to do that was not meditating.

Finally after ditching the process in the middle like 2 or 3 times I think, I came back determined to finish it. I stare at the space where I know the arch is but I can only feel him and not really see him, aside from a general impression of blobbiness. I did once get the impression of a head that had all the components but all totally separate like Mr. Potato Head but that kind of grossed me out so I didn't pay attention to that anymore, which might explain why he got less visible instead of more as time went on.

So we're there, in my inner space, and I have no idea what to do with him. I just don't really feel any ideas whatever. Normally the spontaneous ideas I have are, I assume, an equal part of the process. I was not feeling very idea-prone. I finally asked him if he would walk with me a bit, and I held his hand of sorts, and we walked a bit around the field by the tree where IG is.

I told him how I really wanted to work with him but was clueless where to begin and in denial besides, and would appreciate his help. Then I had the idea that maybe we should go check out the cave. This had never occurred to me before. The cave is like a part of my outer-inner world (wait, that sounded confusing...) -- the space where "outer guides" and such are found. Through the cave and out an archway on the side, I'm in another world. That world is the "inner" world where archetypes go.

True, I have brought outer guides into my inner space, more than once. The first time I did that, the guide seemed totally in awe. The next time I showed up to meditate there were like 20 people I'd never seen before all hanging around that guy, all rowdy, like he'd brought his college dorm or something. I had to keep telling them to pipe down, but I took them too. Now and then I've taken another. I always wonder how it comes off to them. They seem to find it really novel. But I'd never thought of bringing an archetype into any part of the outer-guide space.

(I think this is part of what's frying my brain about putting RV and archmeds in the same context. That to me, RV is totally outer-world-HERE, and archmeds are totally inner-world-THERE, and it's a stretch to see how they could meet.)

So I said, "Wanna go check out the cave? Maybe pick a door, see what's inside?" He said sure. So we went into the cave to the point where it V's off and he said, "Left." So we went left, down a long hall with doors on right side, and then suddenly there was this doorway that instead of a door, just led to a hall, but the hall instantly veered in a curve and went sharply downward. He wanted to go that way, and he seemed to know where he was going, so I asked him if he did. He thought that was funny for some reason but didn't answer. We go around this long curve of stone floor, going pretty deeply down, and finally we reach the bottom.

Just off the 'curve' is what seems to be a pond or pool of water. I ask if this is right and he nods yes, and we go along the little side near us over to the left side which has lots of space, and we sit down there and he points at the water, which is like a big rectangular pool going back into a deeper cavern, and he says, "Watch." Just then there is this odd sound, and the water level starts dropping rapidly, and ALL the water literally drains out of the area, and I can see that the lowest part was actually over at the other side, and there were these three big tubes like sewage pipes that apparently connected as I could see their opening at the bottom-side on the other side, and all the water really rapidly drained into them and then from all around, the pool refilled with clean water, really fast.

I looked at this, I looked at the guide, and then I said, "Oh my God. It's a toilet!!" and I just cracked up. I mean of all symbols to get! But it very obviously was, although very very big and my impression was that this was literally part of my biological body, symbolic of it anyway. It appeared the water occasionally 'flushed' whether there was any visible need of it to or not.

Then he said, "We are here for the wall of fear. We can deal with some of it here." I said, "But how? It's way over in the tower." He looked at me. I realized I am a moron. Man, sometimes I'm SO dim... so I visualized it appearing in the air, intact, above the water.

He said ok, easy does it, and he--and me, sort of helping when I realized what he was doing--let the far left side of the wall, which was about a foot thick and maybe 10 feet high, open up like a door on it opened, and the worst of the wall, the utterly black stuff, started coming out.

Sort of. Not only was it sludge, but it was nearly solid in places, and I could feel that 'pieces' in it were hard as rocks. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I felt nauseated and wondered if a meditation could make me throw up.

I did a major effort to ask for energy to hit this stuff and make it chemically inert, and break up the solid pieces, etc. and I could feel the rush of the energy so at least that part was working. Even though it was a big pool of water, it could only take so much.

The water had some property where it really absorbed into anything dropped in it, so as to make everything thinner and flushable. When the water maxxed out in that regard, we stopped, and it flushed. It was gross. The clean water filled up, and we did it again. Many times, over and over, through the horrible black stuff, then through the just gross brown stuff, and finally we reached the point where red was visible, the red of the fear, and he said (now that the 'toxic and toxin' part was gone), whether I dealt with the rest of the fear this way or some other way was optional.

As we were on a roll I chose to deal with as much of it as I could this way, and we got the red all the way up to about the yellow-red of cowardice before we stopped the major flushing, rinsed out the part of the lucite-like wall where all the rest had been, and closed it.

I sat looking at it for a bit, at the wall of what fear was left. I understood that all this other fear-energy, the various shades and meanings of the "red roiling energy" inside the wall, was something that I actually had options about and could deal with in other ways. For example I could really work on transmuting it, improving its frequency level (for lack of a better concept) until it was no longer fear, or at least not so serious. I thought about just dumping it all out here and wondered what that would mean.

"What would it mean if I just dump it all?" I asked the arch. "Would it be denial?" He shook his head, and into my mind came a memory of an experience I had a long time ago (online, 'searching for fear' here). (Wow now I see it was exactly 13 years ago I had that experience. Holy cow! I'm getting old!) I remembered explaining that experience, with the understanding that when I truly "released" my fear, that energy which had been part of me, left me, and essentially became independent. When that happened, it was as if I was "smaller" without it. Literally I had given up a part of myself.

I realized that is why it's so hard to let go of fear. It is part of us just like good emotions are. And I think all things have a primal, spirit-level urge toward growth, toward absorption-expansion, and that is sort of contrary to that drive. "But it doesn't help to be bigger, if the extra is all ugly," the arch said. "If you let go of that, it's true you would be much smaller. But maybe you would be better able to grow in good ways, without all that." I nodded.

And then I realized that this is the situation with being overweight, as well. In terms of creating reality, and living in the body of our beliefs as Seth puts it. It is a part of ourselves. As Reich put it, as "body armor," it is very likely a lot of fear used as protection. Yes, we would be smaller if we let it go. But...

I called back the wall and said that's it! I'm dumping the whole damn thing into the water! The arch laughed. I opened up the long-side of the wall, the flat face of it, and held it out over the small lake, while forcing it to flush repeatedly. When it was done, I imagined rinsing out the inside of the wall.

There was still some fear-energy in there but not much. I figured that meant I have to deal with that part of it in some other way. I imagined the wall shrinking down to fit what was left, and it became a flattish oval shape that reminded me of "Mirror mirror, on the wall..." a funny sync to my thoughts about fear and extra weight.

That seemed like what we came for. So I took its hand and we went around the edge and hiked back up the long curving slanted route back up to the end of a long hallway, and down that to where the cave V'd, and into the cave and then over the little bridge that spans the creek and out the door and back into the archetypal realm. We went back to IG and it was time for the arch to leave.

We shook hands. I could sorta seem him then. Seemed... relatively normal. "Water." he said. "Drink water." And then he was gone.

I shrugged at IG and wrapped it all up to be done with.

Pretty disgusting as a process, but it did seem fairly, er, ventingly-useful.

Got me thinking about being overweight though, one of the few plagues of my life. Thinking about Seth saying we live in the body of our beliefs. Thinking about it being hard to let go of fear because it is an equal part of us. I'm thinking now, what are all the things that I believe, that I will not let go of, that I am essentially "wearing" in my body?

Dark Energy, maybe

A bit over an hour ago I woke up for work. I'm taking a break to write this down before I forget any more of it.

I dreamed about (of all people) Tom Cruise. I can't imagine why. I haven't even seen a media reference to him in some time so it's not like anything on my mind.

I dreamed that it was the future and he had a little girl who was about four, four and a half years old, and a wife. He had this place he lived sometimes that was a big plot of land, kind of ranch-like where there's tons of space, had a feel like it was "out of the way" of the coasts (maybe midwest).

He was outside in a rather more remote area of it, with his little girl, his wife either inside the house or somewhere else, when his little girl disappeared. Literally just, she was there one minute and there was nobody and nothing around but a couple minutes later he realized she was gone. He started searching and then got all freaked out and called someone to help search and before you know it, the whole world knows that his kid has disappeared and there's search parties everywhere.

Time passes. Eventually, they find a body. They aren't sure it's hers, so the world is in suspense while they're running some kind of check. Finally, the news announces it: the girl's body had been found, she was dead. It appeared someone had kind of been stalking TC's celebrity identity and had the opportunity and nabbed her.

I found myself there with TC as if I were some kind of spirit guide. His grief was so keen. He had such guilt about it as well, about her being taken while he was right there. His wife also was terribly grieving about it, more than him in ways that make sense for a mother. I "observed" her. There was another woman there, with light hair, who had come when they found the body. She reminded me of TC's ex wife, the actress NK who honestly always struck me as cold somehow, she just has that look I suppose. I'm not sure if it was her or just someone I got the cold vibe from.

She hung around as a 'counselor' for T's wife, seeming a saint for making such efforts to be with her and so on. But really, she was wicked. She was constantly, subtly implicating T in the event, constantly trying to drive a wedge between T and his wife who had enough issues just resulting from the situation.

When I finally woke up, I felt such a genuine sadness. I haven't had a bad dream in awhile. I don't know why I would have one like this, or what psychology, aside from typical today's-world, mothers-worries sorts, would bring that symbology to me. I hope there is no hint of reality in it and it is just symbolic dreaming.

The feel as if I were some kind of guide though, is just like the feel I've had in other-lives memories when a different aspect of me is dominant. In those lives they are the primary-identity and I'm like a close guide. Why I would feel as if I had that relation to TC is utterly beyond me. Not to mention that I'm certainly hoping to be fully in the flesh when his daughter reaches that age. (!)

Anyway. I got set up for work and read my email and my Warder wrote saying he'd had this very unusual "dark dream." I wonder if there is some shared energy there.

Go figure.

The Only Living Boy in New York

That subject is the title of a great Paul Simon song. My archmed earlier today made me think of it. (I think his "Negotiations and Love Songs" [Greatest Hits collection] is one of the best albums of all time.)

You know how I keep saying that I want to work with archetypes (and targets, and aspects, and... well, let's just say reality) "from the inside" and so on. But how come, if I believe this, every time any identity does something new that seems autonomous, I am so astonished?

I mean, for someone who allegedly believes that everything is consciousness, I sure am surprised when anything shows signs of it. Even in the smallest ways.

Another archmed on what I needed most, let the IG work out the details. The arch was kinda funky. There was the vaguest frogginess about him, though he was human, his head was a bit big. You know the texture of rubbery green skin and those bony-looking "heavy brow" shapes around the eyes that literally shape the head... a bit odd. I could not see him very clearly which is always a sign of something I am not well integrated with.

Anyway, I opened my (er, imaginal) mouth to say something, I don't know what exactly, and what came out of me was, "I respect you." I surprised myself. But it was apparently a good enough beginning.

When I went to create a thoughtform energy-something to give the archetype, though, I felt oddly like I didn't really have enough energy to do that. It was like a billion degrees (I know... mom told me a million times not to exaggerate...) and I was sitting in a car briefly while Lu ran in to shop and Ry ran to see the sidewalk sale, and I just didn't really feel like I had a lot to give. So I visualized 'opening' all my chakras 'more' and then bringing energy through me like you do in healing, through the crown, feet and perineum (Kundalini) area.

Whatever I decide to do is spontaneous and always part of the meditation and the nature of it all, of course. I did something different than usual (it's always unique, but sometimes more than others), I decided to create a sort of "energy-shape-of-me" as if creating a thoughtform that was me-shaped and standing right in front of me. I decided that I would channel all this energy into the me-form and then when it was done, I would give him that as the link. I tried to "set" it so it would keep pouring energy "through" me into this.

To my astonishment, he began doing the same thing!

Now I'm sorry to be so dense. It's not like an archetype has never interacted with me autonomously before.

One time, I was meditating with Sun. He is a golden Adonis sort. He took my hand and led me off, away from the inner-guide area, out into the "world" there that I had never been anywhere in except where my guide's little white benches are under a big tree. We walked for quite some ways, and there was something up ahead which eventually we came to, and it was a double, elevated conveyor belt. About 3 feet wide, elevated around 4 feet off the ground, two next to each other. Like a manufacturing assembly line hahaha, with people standing on top, except I saw no people. There were small staircases every so often (quite some distance apart, but one near where we were), and we climbed one to step on it. Then we went (with the direction of the belt, which was right) on, and on, for quite some distance! Mostly fields and so on.

I was riding this thinking of two things. The first was, "Holy cats! Where the hell did all this come from?! Is this all me? Is this my mind generating an entire reality all on its own? Is this some intermediate-world that is like an interface between my brain, some energies, and this is the "translation point" where it all gets moved into symbols I recognize? Was it here all along??"

The second was, "How is it that he knows about this and I don't? How is that my Sun archetype is acting as autonomously as a person?!"

We eventually rolled into what seemed a town or city, but it was as if our rolling conveyor built for people, was the equivalent of a railroad or freeway in our world: the town was very clearly built "around" the thing. The buildings were a small dark brick like I've seen in pictures of Europe. They were simple and kind of long, like something several stories high, in a rectangular shape that went back about the size of a city block in my world. These were on both sides, and the conveyor-belt went through the middle. As we reached the buildings area, the ground around the belt became cobblestone, paved.

As we got into the city, I could look both ways and see all the way down the "roads" on either side -- all cobblestone, all made for foot traffic and nothing else it appeared -- until their end, maybe two or three buildings blocks away. There were extra stairs here, every "road" there had a stair to step up or down next to the belt. Sun indicated we should get off at one point finally, so we went down a staircase and walked down this street. The stores on either side seemed a little different, maybe a little old fashioned in some way I couldn't put my finger on. Nearly everything was made out of brick on the outside and a dark wood on the inside as far as I could see, but there were hardly any windows for some reason, and I didn't see anything electric -- I have no clue how the belt worked.

He walks me down this street and we go about halfway down the first block. We turn into this building at the right, and it seems to be a hotel. It's a big entry room, we are against the right side wall and at the far left side there is a counter (like hotels have) and a man behind it. The counter is made of a dark wood and the walls are either wood or paneled. Sun and the man nod silently at each other and Sun leads me straight back (going forward from the door), all the way to the back of the room and there is an elevator.

We get in it, and we go up, and we go all the way to the top. When we get out, on the left is the wall (the edge of that particular unit in the building), and the hallway extends apparently all the way to the far edge of the building, way down to the right. We walk all the way down to the very end of the hall, and there are doors on the left and right, and there is a door at the very end facing us. We go into that room.

The room was totally round, and it seemed empty. The ceiling was about twice the normal ceiling height, and it was rounded like a dome, and it was entirely glass windows. The light was incredible in there! Sun put his hands on my shoulders and sort of positioned me and then just... just... radiated me. In the best way. I physically gasped from it, and remembered that I was just sitting around with my eyes closed and all of this seemingly real experience was just an archetype meditation. I opened my eyes. Still normal. I closed my eyes. There we were.

I had this rather offbeat idea, not sure where I got it. I said, "Please... radiate away my fears." And as the light beamed into me, I could physically feel all these sharp little pains!, of various size and intensity and depth-placement, nearly all of which ranged from my solar plexus to the top of my heart for body-location. By the time that was over my eyes were wide and I was pretty much speechless. Finally, he took my hand, holding it, and we went back the entire way we came. Out the door, down the hall, into the elevator, down to the ground floor, into the hotel, out the door, onto the sideway, down the road, up the stairs, onto the conveyor, the other side this time, and all the way back to the hill where we'd climbed on, and then back through the field until I came to the tree with the small white benches where IG (inner guide) sat waiting.

So it's not like no archetype has ever been autonomous!

Two notes.

1: I later read of someone else working with a Sun archetype and asking them to radiate away their fears. Maybe this process is itself archetypal, and so spontaneous??

2. When Sun took me, we went right on the belt, right down the street, right into the building, turned face in the elevator, and right down the hallway. Dunno if it matters. But in the "cave" I actually go "through" for my archmeds?---if I continue in the cave, which I have a few times, it splits left and right, and there are doors and rooms in there, and each one has something different! No kidding.

One time I went right for example, and came to a stone stairway hewn out of the rock. I went down the stairs, and at the bottom was a little door on the left, in a little hallway. I opened the door, and this catholic monk with tonsure looks at me. He comes to me and talks to me, but this was at a time when I could not "hear" my guides at all so alas, it was like watching him with the mute button on. He realized this, and he took off some kind of big necklace that he had on and put it over my head, made the sign of the cross on my forehead, bowed, and went back in his room. I wandered back out of the cave, completely mystified at why of all things, some catholic dude would be living in a room downstairs off the right branch of my cave.)

But they don't often do something that, you might say, "contributes to the merge" process.

Well, wait, there was another that actually did...

I was at The Monroe Institute, Jan 2001. I was some ways into the second week (two programs taken together, not generally allowed, for good reason I learned) and we were supposed to be doing some meditation, in the Guidelines program, I can't remember what. I had this really overwhelming sense of needing to do an archetype meditation on Responsibility. This stemmed from an experience in one of the earlier tech-induced "visualization communication experiences" or whatever you want to call it.

So I went to my CHEC unit, which is basically a queen sized bed that is built into a sort of cabinet, with a black curtain that firmly seals on the one open part, so you are sitting in utter darkness. There are headphones and a light and such built into the wall by the bed. I was alone in the room downstairs, right next to the main big-room where we would decompress together, as my roommate, a friend I'd taken with me to the first program, had left. I put on my headphones and got into the darkness and the altered state and fell into an archmed on Responsibility.

When I met IG (inner guide), the first thing I understood when I asked him why I felt like doing this particular meditation, was that I profoundly misunderstood the nature of "Responsibility." To me, it has usually meant what it means (or is felt to mean) on the surface of our culture, our language. It's an ugly word that means some "burden" and "obligation" and "guilt-should-ought" sort of thing. But talking to IG, I realized as a sort of 'insight', that the word is Holy. That responsibility at core is the root of Divine Will. When we take responsibility for a family to shelter them, when we take responsibility for a work project to drive it to success, when we take responsibility for our own destiny, anything, it is a mundane "reflection" of a much higher dynamic that has octaves and harmonics all through our universe.

So I met the arch and I was so astonished that I just stood there for awhile, unsure what the heck to do with him. I've had everything, nearly. These meditations are infinitely creative. I've had a big black-knight chess pieces put a rotary saw blade in the inside of my arm as his exchange. I've had a guy with a big fish head and a harpoon through him. I've had a giant multi-faceted green dripping monster (heh. That was Saturn... when I was 30. I remember when the X-files came out I said about their logo, "Hey, it's Saturn-Green! How apropo."). I've had stuff so weird I can hardly translate it to words.

But this arch, it wasn't just about what he looked like. It was about how I felt about him. Which was, for lack of a better word, wildly drawn to him physically, in a sexy kind of way. Although I'd done some tantric stuff with archetypes before, that was always a deliberate plan and part of a ritual of sorts (don't get too excited about my morals, I was alone...!), I had never FELT that way toward an arch instantly, like I craved them merging into me like I was a sponge.

He was human... mostly. He reminded me of the kind of character that some cheap paperback scifi novel might have. Like a human who is genetically engineered to survive in the incredibly hostile environment of a foreign planet teeming with a combination of monsters and even flora and fauna that would get ya. He had sort of golden hair, not blonde but more like "bright tan". He had totally golden eyes, like a lion. (I once met a 'Lion' archetype a couple times, sitting in for Jesus in an experience. I even noted in them --Lucid dreams, both--"Hey, that reminds me of Aslan!") He was not any unusual size but I had a really strong impression of incredible "strength."

His teeth... were normal and very white except for the canines, which were... ah... sharp. I know, this is a little worrisome as a symbol I suppose, but to me it wasn't anything bad like a vampire but rather, a sign of the "wild" in him. And his skin... now that was the weird part. His skin was like a dark golden tan on his face and so forth but on the main of his arms, chest and legs (he wore something akin to shorts I guess) he had quills! Like a porcupine!--well, except they were a little diff. They were thinner, and softer, although my sense was that when they were made to stand up they were extremely sharp. And they were "lying flat" on his skin, his arms and legs and chest (I just didn't wonder about the rest I admit). I was completely overwhelmed by this 'understanding' that he was literally:

The very embodiment of the Ultimate Warrior.

I gotta give it to IG, this was definitely a whole new perspective on "Responsibility." Archmeds almost specialize in radically changing how you perceive things but that was pretty memorable.

I stood there looking at him, almost panting in desire. I just stared at him. And the meditation ended up being the sexiest seduction scene! And in being so, it seemed to cross some bizarre boundary out of the 'archetypal world' and into -- well, alllllmmmoooosssstttt -- into this world. It was surely as physical as an incubus/succus experience, I think.

He walks up to me, and he moves until he is perhaps 3 molecules from touching my lips with his, and he sort of breathe-growls at me,

You have to want me. You know you want me. Take my power unto you.

If it's possible to just faint away from sheer overwhelming lust I'd have done it about then.

I became aware of myself physically then -- that I was quite literally panting, and I became highly aware of the fact that I was sitting up against the wall on the side of my CHEC unit, in the pitch black. I felt more aware of every inch of my body than I ever had been.

He sort of warm-breathed down the side of my neck to my collarbone and I felt my head, dropping back a little, bump the wall, yet I could still feel him on my skin it seemed like, and he kissed my skin, and then I felt just the hint of his teeth and then---and then he was just... he was just there. There with me. He wasn't totally in the flesh of course... and yet... he wasn't just in the archworld either. HE was "aware" of my whole environment and position, and as we shifted, he was on the bed with me instead of standing in that world, and my legs spread out more as he sort of straddled one of my thighs and slid one hand under my arm and kissed my neck then, just enough of the warm breathe and the edge of sharp teeth to make my entire body hot-shiver.

A part of my mind was observing that this was the most remarkably body-real archmed I'd ever had. EVER. Another part of me was wondering, with a total lack of inhibition, if it would be physically possible to have sex with him right then and there, the sooner the better. Of course the watcher part of me was intellectually wondering if somehow, the combined energy of the people in my course, the overall grounds and psychic-experience level at TMI, and who knows what else, might be contributing to the "amplitude" of the experience.

Meanwhile, he was slowly kissing with teeth my body from one shoulder to the other and now and then leaning up against my cheek and saying in my ear, Ask for me. I am part of you. Tell me you want me. and by that time, as if I were another person, I was panting, yes... yes! A very distant part of my mind, watching the goings on with interest, was thinking with some humor about what this was going to sound like should anybody actually walk past the open door of my room.

He leans against my lips again, his whole body hard and strong against mine, literally pressing me back into the wall along every inch, and he says something like, The acceptance must come from deep inside you; submit to your destiny! (Heh. Well it made sense at the time and I admit I was not really thinking critically at that moment anyway.) I cried Yes! and in response he grabbed both my wrists and pushed them against the wall high above my head, one on either side of me, and I realized that "in real life"---I was sitting there in the CHEC unit with my hands pressed up against the wall on either side of me.

It was if somehow there were three realities going on at the same time: my normal one, the archetypal one, and some meeting in the middle that was a whole third world that "overlapped" with both the others but we were only fully in the center; not "wholly" in one nor the other.

I finally said, Yes. I accept! but just at that moment --

-- this tape at TMI is ending, and Bob Monroe's voice comes on talking about whatever it was we were supposed to do to wind down! LOL! What timing.

I instantly ripped off my headphones with one hand and threw them away from me and went back to what I was doing -- my hand went right back up to the wall.

I put my forehead against his and understood we were finally at the point where this could happen and he pushed against me, as if in sex, but thickly and slowly merged into my body. I couldn't even breathe while it was happening, it was so intense. And when he was finally fully in me, it was like he inverted in some way, so that then he was facing the way I was, and literally it felt as if I were wearing him like I was his skin. All the overtones of sex and fulfillment and so on were present... wowwwwwww.

My arms slid down the wall slowly, and my panting slowed down, and by now my eyes were open and it was light because throwing my headphones had pushed open the curtain and it was a bit light in the room as it was only dusk. I felt this huge need to just lie there and "experience" us together, quietly, alone, for at least a few hours.

Just then, someone pops their head in to tell me that Joe McMoneagle is speaking in the other building and I had to come out and go over there for that. I was staying with Joe and Scooter between and after the TMI courses I was taking, so perhaps this had less effect on me than it would on some people, since I think I muttered something very antisocial at that point. The person said it was not optional. So very grouchily, wanting more than anything to be alone for awhile, I get up and I go over to the place where Joe is going to be talking.

I never was so overwhelmed by the need to be someplace else in my life. I was in utter misery every minute of it. I was so trying to be patient and interested because normally, I totally would be, but I was so wrapped up in the recent experience that all I could think about was how much I didn't want to be in the bright light surrounded by people with someone talking.

And I could feel Responsibility inside me. I could feel this odd "strength" in my hands that I recognized as his. I felt as if, were a psychic to look at me closely or at the right moment just then, they might actually SEE the archetype through me, as if we were two films showing on the same screen or something. I could feel his strength through my body in what I would now call "ghost body" feelings, in RV it's a bit similar, like if you are feeling something that (we assume) someone in the target felt, it's like it's your body yet it's not like some "overlay/over-through".

And I felt this really powerful sense that this had only begun some process, and that what I called "Responsibility" was about "Destiny".

Perhaps this is the kind of meditation only a lonely, middle aged Virgo x4 would have. I suppose the only thing sexier would have been if we were in a library....

.... I am just kidding. Virgo jokes. Not everyone gets 'em.

What was I talking about before I made myself all randy writing this?! Oh yeah. The archetype meditation! So my point was (... a bit long in the making ...) that I guess I have, actually, had archetypes who "actively and autonomously participated in facilitating the merge process."

Actually, hell, after that story, the current one seems so boring as to not be worth bothering with, hahaha!

So back to the vaguely big-headed froggish man with "three rows" of brows at each side and vaguely greenish rubbery skin. I set my process to go on without my direct attention, and that was good as Lu and Ry came back to the car just then and we drove off. I stopped to get gas, and while Lu was filling the car and Ry was getting a soda, I finished the archmed.

When I tuned back in, I saw that the "density and intensity" of mine had grown to really cool degrees, as had his. I looked at them both more closely and I felt that not only had they sort of filled with energy (looking like a light-body, each of them) but that they had then improved the "quality and creativity" of the energy; inside was all kinds of sense of color and curly and so on, like a Mandelbrot fractal in 4D or something.

We each merged into the light-body of the other. It was a really good rush, so I know whatever we did worked. Then we merged into each other. I realized that I'd just done the Four symbology---two male/female merge, then those merge, ending with one. I felt pretty good about it.

I thanked IG for helping. Either I am getting closer to him and can see him better, or he is getting a bit more unusual. He has some kind of small gills at the side of his face. He has spots down the side of his head and neck like a Star Trek "Trill" symbiote-host. (Actually the "symbiote" symbology, for an identity that "lives inside me" really could not be more apropriate!) His eyes are a bit odd, his skin texture is a bit unusual, and I swear he has some very odd fishy-eely-human overlay that I can't quite grasp. I went to him and hugged him and said, "I love that you are so weird. All my other IG's were so normal!"

Then I wrapped it up, and that was that.

But my utter SURPRISE at when this arch actively volunteered and began building his own light-body to pour energy into, for me, makes me think that all my talk here about how I respect the consciousness of everything, and I know everything operates as an identity, yada yada yada... must be on some level, just armchair theory.

Because if I really believed and respected the autonomy of my targets and my archetypes (I am still working out the difference....), I shouldn't be surprised at all.

It seems to me.