How Not to Remote View

I'm just a griping fool today.

Sometimes the degree of my obligations compared to my time, energy, or ability to meet them, is so ludicrous it's like some kind of cosmic joke. The song of my life is a real Amy Lee number: not just words and lyrics for me, no sir. More like an angst-ridden rock opera Dolby soundtrack for the life of a drama queen.

I just want to view. My work is more than full time. My kid takes a vast percentage of my available time; even just a long shower is a big treat for me. That's more than I get most days. And what time is left per week, well, attempting to do something constructive (like improveing TKR's free viewer tools) more than sucks it down and needs more. Never mind other family, or a life of any kind, let alone 'time for me'.

But the real bitch is that all I want to do is view.

Everything in my life feels like one more obstacle in the way of me having sufficient time to view. Cyclically I get up the determination to tell the world to stuff it and focus on me, but it always passes far too soon, and I'm enmeshed and embroiled in other stuff. Mostly the fulltime work, single mom theme. When not that, then the do- something- constructive- for- RV- online- theme. I wonder when my Theme Song Guy is going to write one that is actually for me.

Meanwhile, I improved three things in TKR last week, which (here's a shocker, not) means I half-broke one of them, and completely screwed up something unrelated by accident while I was at it. There's a reason programmers work in teams with alpha testing, beta testing, etc. -- as opposed to one sleep deprived person coding fast as they can on a weekend or at 3am and then putting it online right after since well, the locals have to be the guinea pig beta testers, there isn't anybody else for the job.

Right now I am so sleepy I can't sleep. I swear. I'm literally over-tired. My eyes are sore and squinty and I think I see more hairs turning grey by the day. I want to curl up but I promised the kid some mommy time tonight, so we'll be watching some kind of amazon unbox. We watched the Veronica Mars third season recently. I guess today we might watch some of the sci-fi. I should be working on fixing TKR but I'm so exhausted I don't think my brain is up to it anyway.

Oh yeah, if I could quite whining for a minute, I could mention that Joe McMoneagle and Joseph Chilton Pearce will be speaking on March 23rd at a conference dinner held by the Rhine Research Center in South Carolina. See his blog.

Meanwhile I am seriously deprived of best-friend time as well which is a bummer, since a lot of my sanity is based on good people who help balance me, since I apparently have none of the quantity of my own. And I owe so many people a variety of things like websites, book reviews, things I need to mail, I'm starting to feel like I should really review my budget, figure out where I can scrimp insanely, and try to come up with enough money to do a few hours a couple times a week of some local college girl helper. When I moved here 7 years ago, for the first couple years I had a 15-30 hr/wk personal assistant. There is probably something inherently snotty about me that I think I feel perfectly justified in having servants.

Since I don't have time to write more than one out of like 50 people I owe email to I decided to just write one thing on my blog. I figure my friends will read it and thank god I am not talking to them. Mission accomplished.

As soon as I get some SLEEP, assuming a decent portion of that happens soon, I'll be viewing again. Though lately I seem much more of an expert on how not to get around to it. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Midas

I had a great meditation this morning. Too tired to view or meditate last night, I woke up early this morning for it instead. I was merging all over the place, and getting so much energy that right after each one I'd have to yawn and stretch immediately. I did an archmed with a conglomerate, part of which was based on the thing in my previous post.

I was having a problem, in that I was still a bit sleepy, and now and then would slide off into a half-day/half-real dream. Then I'd bring myself back to what I was doing and focus on dissolving and releasing some of the negative elements in the daydreams. It happened again after I'd merged as The Four, and then it happened again after I'd merged as The Coalition, and I had this strong sense that the only thing worse than negative daydreaming in general, was negative daydreaming during a major energetic merge experience with a larger part of your self.

At the same time I was realizing this with their help, came the voice of one of them saying, With power comes responsibility. I understood, and I managed to keep my act together through the remainder of all the meditative work. I thought it humorous because LD and I were just talking about that concept yesterday.

Just as I was finishing up the last of it -- which was no longer in the tower with the Coalition but way over and into the other world where I meet my Inner Guide and archetypes -- I had this sort of insight. Funny enough, I've been told this and shown this plainly more than once, by IG, by the Narrator, etc. It's something like this:

Your power to create your reality is vast. But, your reality follows your focus. So, if you do not have the discipline to keep your focus clean and positive, that inherent power will be throttled down by many aspects of yourself, for your own protection.

The power to change your reality to bring the things you want, includes the power to change your reality to bring the things you don't want. The cleaner your focus gets, the safer it becomes for the power available to you, to flow through you and follow your focus.

So to increase the intensity of your inherent, automatic power to create your reality, clean up your focus. Watch your thoughts. Curtail, dissolve and release negative daydreams. Turn off the auto-pilot and work to be as 'aware' of the Self as possible.

Pay attention to the words that leave you: evaluate them to make sure they are completely true. Sarcasm, joking, flippancy, often cause untruths that we do not consider lies, but they weigh against the clarity of the overall focus.

Your reality follows your focus: life is biofeedback. Your power to effect change in that reality -- real "magic" -- will be in direct proportion to how much or little your larger self feels it must protect you from yourself.

I suppose the lesson recurs because I'm not getting it, haha.

So like Midas, who wanted everything he touched to turn to gold, but then had reason to grieve for that when his food and his daughter were transformed, we deal with a similar issue in our daily existence. We want every focus we touch to spring to reality, all our wishes and dreams and creative aspirations. But as long as our 'awareness' is not in control of our focus keeping it clean and positive and allowing, we risk springing some very dark and tragic elements into our reality.

I learned this, back in '94. I actually accomplished this, temporarily alas. The amount of incredibly hard work it took in terms of really being as "aware" every moment as was possible, was kind of amazing. It really does take effort, and a lot of it, to be aware, and to responsibly deal with what we find in ourselves. Later, after marrying and my life changed radically, I changed my focus. The Narrator showed me back then, what I had done, and that I had done it for self protection.

I merged with Nero while I was there by the way. I didn't mean to. I just threw my arms around him and hugged him and it started happening, so I accepted that and participated and it was really intense. Very cool.
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Awareness

A friend of mine into RV, Shamanic meditations and Lucid Dreaming, was having this very cool med the other day when an archetype told him, to increase his "awareness":

Contact the part of you which is all of you which is not afraid.

I thought that was a great line. I think I'm going to try my own archetype meditation with that used as a 'query string' or 'tasking'.
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Independence Day

Today is my official independence day: my husband, as of late last night, is out of the country, and permanently out of my life aside from visits-to-kid. Thanks be to God.

I feel like I have lost a ton of weight from some unspecified part of my body, as if we hold some 'astral' sense of weight with things that 'weigh us down'. I could look at this as losing 195 lbs overnight. I feel great!

It'll take me at least a month just to clean up the unbelievable amount of STUFF he over-occupied the main room (and largest bedroom) with, but I'll do it.

And after two months of ice and snow, and 8 cats stuck in the house all the time, I decided to get tough about them at the same time. He went to the airport and they got thrown out to live in the garage. It has a couple HAC vents out there, food, water, litterboxes, and a cat-door in the window so they are free to go in/outdoors. I let the little fragile one with no body fat stay inside, but when it warms up, she can go out too.

Already the house FEELS significantly different.

I'm so happy.

I sang, "Hit the ROAD, Jack! And don'tcha come back! No more, no more, no more, no more!" all the way home from the airport.

I think I'll go clean something.

Three Kings and the Stone Chair

Last night was 'mommy-baby date night' with my ten year old daughter, which means she got to snuggle up and fall asleep in my bed. This morning when we woke up, she said she'd had a dream and I asked her to tell it to me. I find her dreams fascinating for some reason. I think someday if I write these down, she will be intrigued by them when she is older. Anyway, so when she was done telling me I wrote it down and read it to her to make sure I had it right. I thought someone else might find "a ten year old girl's dream" a sort of novel interest, haha. You can see the esoteric and archetypal elements in it of course... she is clearly my daughter. ;-)

[Her dream]

I was walking on my porch, and then when I stepped off it I found myself in another world.

There was a stone chair, and next to it, three statues.

I went toward the chair and one of the statues, its stone broke and an old man that looked like the statue came out of it. He reminded me a little of "The Rider" in the Lord of the Rings movie.

I went behind the chair and found a doorway and went into some inner area.

I heard all these 'things' coming through the doorway and I hid. They turned out to be robots.

There was this tiny woman there and she and I fought. I won and so all her robots left.

I went back out and the second statue broke open and another old man was revealed.

He sat in the chair, and the other one said why are you in my chair, but then they laughed, they were both kings, but they were close friends.

I went back home to my house and went into my room but I saw this spider come down on a thread and I ran into it.

It fell on the floor and was huge and I was so scared, and I took off running out of the house and ran and ran.

I found myself in a place where the two kings were there on horseback. They had a woman like a young princess with them.

This other man on a black horse who looked a lot like one of the kings and was 'almost' a king but not quite, he was a black magician who also used a sword, he snuck up behind them all and killed the princess.

And then there was all these thin gauzy curtain things like in that video, all over [mom's input: "veils"].

One of the kings then had flowers in his hand like he had loved her and he said to her, "who did this to you?"

And even though she was dead she lifted her head and said something I can't really remember. [mom: 'try'.] It was like, "Bahmitrix." [she spelled this]

I thought that part was funny like it was a movie and even though she was dead she was talking and then dead again.

Then the black magician started talking to me and we talked and talked and somehow I came to be affectionate about him even though he was evil.

And he came home with me into my world, and he gave me a list of things I should do so I could become an evil magician like he was.

One thing I did was like a weird game where you had to capture things in a bag or net or something. I was about halfway through the list when - wait I think this is where I saw the spider. Anyway - when I wondered, "why would I want to be evil?"

And I realized that he wanted to be a king and he wanted me to become an evil magician so I could eliminate the other kings for him.

I went back out to the stone chair to tell the kings that this man was planning and coming for them.

And then I woke up.

[end of her dream]

The Immortal

I went to bed early. I meditated a bit first. I got this awesome Creative 30G Zen player -- like a video iPod but better -- so I put on my favorite meditation music (the Narnia soundtrack) and finally got into it.

I had a different urge than I ever had before, and spent some time imagining myself in/at the very core of the earth, which had a sort of offbeat feeling, can't remember why. I fell asleep in the middle of that.

When I woke up this morning I was 20,000 leagues under the sea it felt like. I'd slept more than I usually do, but it took about six attempts over half an hour, including shaking and light, for someone else to get me awake.

I had this two-part dream.

In the first part, I was working with a group of people who weren't my people -- I mean they weren't human. We were doing a research study and I was one of the key subjects, but they were treating me like a coworker as well, and we were reviewing the research results.

It had to do with human experience with their species. We had a fairly large trial pool of subjects, of which I had been one prior to my current place reviewing results with them. We explored the data. It was clear that although nearly-all the humans were having the interaction with their people, only a super tiny percentage (like less than 1%) were able to become cognitively aware of this. The reasons ranged from health to psychology issues, but the general consensus we had was that although the humans considered this awareness to be a form of insanity or related to it anyway, that it was in fact evidence of a good deal more physical and psychological 'clarity' on the humans' part who were able to be 'aware' of it.

The second part of the study had to do with the frequency of exposure. This was the part that really threw me for a loop. They showed how on average in 24 hours, humans passed through a sort of... you might call it a cycle, kind of like how brainwaves cycle except this is more like a larger earth cycle we are just part of, but that does interact with our minds -- and we were exposed to them generally about four times during each 24 hour period. This kind of amazed me. I was saying, but I thought this was something that only happened when we were asleep, or walking through the woods ha-ha-ha, are you sure? FOUR times per 24 hours?! So they sort of showed me (though I can't put it in words) how and why this was the case. I know I'm translating it badly, but it felt like something to do with four cardinal points and our brainwaves and the rotation of the earth.

Then we reviewed how the 'awareness' of the population and the 'frequency' of the interaction varied with many of the subjects. For example, even of those humans able to become 'aware' of the 'during-sleep' exposure to their species, just as low a % of them were able to be aware of the occasional exposure that happened at periods other than sleep. The very few who did, usually psychologically were associating their experience with something like a place -- for example, the route they drove every day, they would think they were being abducted from their car or something, when really, everyone was exposed "on this other level of consciousness" and for them the cycle just happened to fall during their long drive.

We also explored how some people thought they had an exposure to their species as a one-time thing, and it wasn't that it was a one-time thing, it was just that for a variety of reasons (often health, psychology, the cycle, the type of experience, whatever) they were only aware of that one particular experience and none of the others. Something to do with what % of a person's overall attention they turn toward that level of themselves vs. having it (as is normal) split, and so much less intense.

Oh yeah that reminds me, another factor was that the four cycles weren't the same for everyone. Even though it was a larger earth-based 'pattern of cycle', it related to the individual's interaction with that on an energetic level, so people varied "when" and sometimes how often (more or less) depending on their own cycles.

Then there was this second part of the dream.

I was working with this group of people who weren't my people -- but I don't know if it was the same group as the first time, I'm just assuming so -- doing a lot more complex stuff. It was a combination of testing (them testing me), and experimenting with what I could do, perceive, etc. as a conscious test subject.

Then just about everything was completed, and the room changed into a bedroom, and they said, "We can tie you, if you like." They acted like this was a good idea and I should agree. For what, I asked? For The Immortal, they say. It came across with that word and the sense of a capital. The Immortal was 'superior' to them in their perception, like part of a different species with a higher authority you might say.

I said naw, I'll talk to him, casual as I always am. So he comes in the room, and I nearly pass out. I don't know why, but he terrified me. He was at least three times as big as me, although now awake I think that might have been not his body but his aura. He was almost the archetypal 'demon' image of our culture, and reminded me greatly of what a close friend of mine told me he has seen in his viewing and 'experiences', which I assured him I had never encountered, despite all my many alien-ish experiences. He had some kind of spiky-things on his shoulders and too-small bat-wing things. And he was ugly. But it wasn't the body; I wasn't really responding to that, I was just 'observing' it. It was the energy that freaked me out. It was so "intense," and so "large". So frightening to me.

The energy of an Archangel is frightening too of course, on a really deep level of mortal terror, but that is the fear of God, it is fright based on 'awe' and the soul's realization that too close exposure could do the equivalent of vaporize you. This was not that kind of fright, but still seemed like the gut-inspired sort.

I found myself on the bed naked (this will teach me to wear pajamas to bed, ha!) and I realized as he came toward me that the intent was that he was going to have sex with me. I leaped off the bed and went, I DON'T THINK SO YOU GUYS! He stopped, and looked at the others with me. One of the guys pulled out a sheet of paper and said, "See, you agreed to work with us on this." I said dude, sex with your freaky Immortal was NOT what I agreed to! A female there said to me, "Oh come on. You had to know from the beginning that this was intended at the end!" I looked at her like she was crazy. "I think not!" I denied. "Maybe I was stupid or inattentive, but I never agreed to this, and there is NO WAY I am merging with that -- that -- thing!"

Oddly enough, it wasn't the sex part that bothered me -- it was the understanding that it would merge my ENERGY with his that was really upsetting me. It was like it was rape. I mean even if I had agreed to it, it would have been rape, that is the 'effect' the energy would have on me, in a really severe way.

Suddenly I realized why they had offered to tie me. They'd hoped I'd say yes. And I'd been so oblivious. Here I'd spent a whole day studying research about how oblivious humans were -- and then promptly proved it in my own way.

Then the 'context' of the dream shifted, and instead of me being in the situation, I was watching a woman in a movie. But some little part of my mind was 'aware' that this was still me, and that this 'movie effect' was in fact one way they had of dealing with my species. They couldn't keep some of us from being aware. But they could kind of lean on us to "shift perspective," in much the same way that a therapist can have someone "imagine" seeing a past traumatic experience on a television instead of re-experiencing it personally.

It didn't help them. Despite that I had this strong sense from the others that I was supposed to be *flattered* this 'Immortal' wanted to merge with me, I considered his energy a direct threat to mine... as if the experience would genuinely do me harm spiritually.

I half-realized (not entirely lucid on this, only partly) that this was a new and novel approach to me. They keep coming back and trying to convince me to join them or sign something, but usually they are more direct. I usually find myself in dreams standing with my legs staunch, like a captain on board a ship, shouting loud like a magical cadence, I AM OF MICHAEL! YOU CANNOT HAVE ME! I AM OF MICHAEL! over and over, and they have to leave me, obviously ticked off about how innately I snap to that the minute awareness of their attempt to get my commitment became clear.

This was novel though, because I didn't have that response this time, maybe because of the different way they approached it this time. They never asked for my agreement on the level they wanted, they'd only asked for something I was willing to do because I'm so interested in research, and I think they hoped that the merge of energy, if I could be persuaded to it, would in turn make me a lot more susceptible.

I was being woke up as I was refusing, and it was pulling me away from them. It felt like they were trying to hold me there, and my body was having such a hard time waking up, but then I'd be forcibly woken up again, until finally I woke up fully, and at least as far as I know, pulled myself away from them in the process.

The overall experience particularly with the 'research' initially really underscored how our concept that these things have to be physical on *our* level is just so, so wrong. It's just as real, but culturally we are geared to deny anything non-physical. At times I've had the impression this is one of many cultural things they themselves 'encourage' in our species for their own ends.

Later when awake, I was kind of disappointed I hadn't responded like I normally do. As if it is a sign of my having paid so much less attention to Michael and prayer for some time. Time to re-affirm that part of my life.

When I finally woke up, I thought to myself, "Like they have nothing better to do but recruit you during your sleep. Like you are so important. Get over yourself, sheesh!" and I threw on a dress and took the kid to school.

It's just another day.
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Life, or Something Like It

I wonder what normal people do with their lives.

They probably don't spend it obsessed with hypnosis.

Or obsessed with remote viewing.

Or obsessed with their eating plan.

Sometimes in the dim history of my memory, I recall that normal people do... well, normal things. I just can't remember what those are.

Maybe they work, come home, eat dinner, read the paper, watch TV, and go to sleep.

No, that'll never do. More than two weeks of that would make me put a bullet in my head. There's gotta be more to life and something deeper or what's the point of getting up in the morning.

Thank you Bill for the Evanescence second album etc. And the kind words. I love the music.

I have a whole list of resolutions for 2007 I hope to do well by. And I just began implementing a 'schedule' in my day that includes accomplishing a lot more than normal. So far things are going well.

Joe McMoneagle's birthday is Wednesday the 10th. I'm posting on his blog that morning. Please comment on the post I make to wish him a happy birthday. It's nothing short of about 82 miracles that he is even around to turn 61.

Thank you Dave for bailing out my Radical RV group when I abandoned it about 10 seconds after opening it. I hope you can find some other sucker to pawn moderator work off on so it can continue.

I did the rounds on the RV online stuff tonight. I realized that my burnout on the online field is not going to be over anytime soon apparently.

I was really happy until about an hour ago. PMS probably, when my internal world takes a 90 degree turn that's usually it. I think I am spiraling into one of those spiritual dark nights of the soul or something. That's a good thing actually. History shows it'll take me a day or three to hit bottom, but when I do, it'll be so deep that it'll bring me home to myself and God in a bid for soul survival.

And... it's just another day.

I hope you all are doing well.

Just because I'm an antisocial uncommunicative bonehead doesn't mean I don't want people to email me and tell me how they are by the way. I know. I'm selfish. I don't feel like being social, yet I miss all my friends, go figure.
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The Coalition Rocks Me Out

I've been putting off posting about this since it happened, since it makes sense to me subjectively but I think it'll make me sound like an idiot to everybody else. Heh. Like that would be new for this blog, right...

The last year I've had some truly amazing meditations. Many of them relate to what I've called 'The Four' since 1994 when 'awareness' of that kicked in. An oversimplistic way to explain The Four would be to say that I realized I am part of a deeper/larger identity. Its "primary components" are four identities (all living in different realities), one of which is what I know of as me.

I know 1994-2006 is a long time, but this concept was honestly so hard for me to get a grip on, just because it was so outside my belief systems, that I haven't progressed nearly as fast with it as I do most things in meditation. Earlier this year, I finally accepted it... I thought I had, but realized when it finally DID happen, that I had only JUST totally taken it in.

Shortly following that, I was introduced to what I semi-humorously dubbed The Coalition (also sometimes called the Consortium). It was a whole group of identities -- my mind seems to vary this from 16 to 32 -- a few of which I can see clearly (one is Nero, whom I've mentioned previously in this blog), but most of which I can't, which in my meditations means I am not sufficiently integrated with them.

I was so resistant to this expansion on the concept that even in the meditations, I clung to the chest of my mate of The Four like an intensely shy child, unwilling to open myself to that. It took many attempts before I could even begin to approach the idea with 'meeting' them and shaking their hand, never mind any kind of integration attempt. They are not the same as The Four. We are like the core, in a way. They are more like... an "extension" of that core; a larger pattern, which The Four are simply the central part of.


How this applies to my daily life, I can't tell you. I have no freakin idea what value any of this weird junk might have or not have. It just "is what it is." I don't know what most of it means. I don't know if it's some bizarre creativity, some sublimated form of insanity, some allegory for more practical things. Who knows, seriously. Long ago I learned to just take this kind of thing at face value as it happened, and not try to assign too many assumptions to things or fit them into what others talk about.


Recently, I got really into this new music from a group called Evanescence that I hadn't heard before. Although their album 'Fallen' is overproduced and a bit corporate rock in flavor, still I'm crazy about it. (I can give FTP info for friends who want to grab the MP3s.)

Early on while listening to this I decided to slip into a meditation (in the Tower, a part of my inner space that showed up [I didn't consciously create it, but was directed there by my Senior of The Four]) which was fairly novel, doing a meditation to something akin to hard rock, as I normally have soundtracks or something soft on. But the emotion/power that the music invoked in me, which has always been a major element in driving my meditations, must have been just right -- maybe that's why I had the sudden urge to do it -- and I actually succeeded in the first stage of truly allowing integration of The Coalition. Which is actually another way of just saying, working on my consciously accepting them. It isn't totally complete, but passed a major barrier.

It was just neat music before this. After this meditation, though, I think part of me just flipped out. It was as if I could FEEL that somehow, my primary energetic-body extended several feet farther outside me than is normal. Now I am not normally aware of it to begin with, so I don't know how I could be aware that it was many feet larger in diameter than normal, but that was my perception. I felt "denser inside" -- as if the energy of me was greater, and more "condensed".

The interesting thing is that, like the four, it's all "part of me." It isn't like I have this sense that these 'other' identities 'over there' are present. It's that I just "feel aware of a larger diversity of self inside". And it isn't like the diversity is new, that is the important thing. It is like this has ALWAYS been part of me, and I am simply becoming 'aware' of it whereas I never was before.

Since this recent meditation when I felt I finally integrated with them at the first level, for the first real time, and felt as if my energetic body was so much more thick and solid and larger, I've had a major personal shift in focus. Major.

Everything in my life literally faded into partly transparent behind a sudden obsessive interest in music. In singing, playing, songwriting, listening. Everything. Viewing, webwork, writing, all the things that are important to me, just dropped into near invisibility behind a passion for music.

The ironic thing is that music was my entire LIFE from 5th grade on, and especially from age 15 on. From age 5 I intended to do that as my 'life' and living. From age 18 on it was a major dichotomy that I wanted to do my music, but wanted to keep my 'responsible' job-life because that's what made my dad proud. The conflict internally was massive. Hours every day for years and years on music, it was my life.

In my early 20s, 22-24, I took a couple years to really focus on hypnosis and such, self-therapy I knew I needed. Between my work and school schedule, I had no time for anything. I wrote jazz songs in the car acapella, commuting 4.5 hours a day mostly on the 405 in Los Angeles... if anything could make a person insane...! During that period I gained a really sudden and major amount of weight, which in retrospect is not all that surprising. By the time I came home a couple years later, I was horrified, having been so sleep deprived and stressed out I was kind of half-oblivious about it while it happened. I went on a formal 'diet' to the extreme. And, because it turns out I am genetically very sensitive to carbohydrates and intolerant to gluten, a typical diet composed of high-carb and whole grains did nothing but make me gain more weight and feel lousy. (Most people are clueless about the things that really make people fat. It isn't nearly as much about calories as about how your body reacts to what you eat, at least in some people's case.) Half the women in my family are huge and have spent many decades chronically dieting to little result.

After just barely getting over the urge to put a bullet in my head over how this annihilated all my music plans, because I wouldn't get on stage anymore (I didn't want to leave the house, let alone go to the mall, let alone perform!), I finally decided to accept it rather like someone who'd lost a limb in a car accident or something, and move on with the life it left me. I became a workaholic in a major way, and I pretty much put a hard suppression on the whole music thing that had rushed through me like a river up until then. I couldn't do it halfway. I can't do anything halfway. So it had to just cease entirely. That was what, 17 years ago. A lifetime.

So recently (13 weeks ago) I went on lowcarb, and have been very steadily losing weight. It's just stupid how I could have not known about this 17 years ago. Talk about giving up your life for ignorance. The minute I quit eating stuff I was mildly allergic to and dropped my carb intake, the weight just started falling off. It will be a long time before I'm anything like the weight I want to be, mind you, but it's a start. And I suppose it's possible that this part of why I am digging into psychology that I haven't touched in a long, long time.

I'm obsessed. With music. For the last... ten days, I have done almost nothing but listen to music, and sing a little, and as of yesterday when I finally got one of my guitars cleaned up and re-strung, playing. No webwork. No viewing. No writing. Almost no communications with friends even. I don't even visit my web own projects except like once a week for 2 minutes. Everything, but everything, just suddenly became... well not unimportant, but "unimportant within the larger scheme of things." And the only thing that feels important in that larger picture of me is music.

And I think it's The Coalition's fault. I think this is essentially the much larger picture of what I am inside, and that my hard suppression of music was partly a suppression of energies they are composed of -- and when I accepted that into me and it "came into manifestation" as part of me, all those parts of me I'd buried were there again. As intense as they were when I buried them. Like a suppressed memory that when it comes back, is as strong as if it just happened... this like a suppressed drive-focus that is as strong as it was when locked away.

Of course, after 17 years of not playing or singing, I suck. :-) This doesn't really bother me. Music was always my primary talent, and I'm sure I can pick it up again.

Why I would want to even bother picking it up again at age 41 is beyond me. That's way too old to do anything with it really; particularly for women, the industry is geared to youth. But even if it's nothing more than fun, than local coffeehouses and street singing at some point, even if I don't pursue it the way I intended when young, I don't think it would be possible for me to suppress this again. I'm just going to have to trust that if this is what I really need at the moment, that I'll let it carry me forward and expect that there will be some value to it, even if only health and state of mind.

17 years ago I gave my dad my Fender amp and 'loaned' him back the old original Les Paul signature guitar he gave me for my 18th birthday (it had been his guitar) and all the other various music equipment I had, save for three other guitars (Goya 6 string [division of Martin, not as nice as Martin but good tone, dreadnought]; Degas spanish flattop, and Takemine 12 string). He uses the Paul for some of his gigs (he's C&W, the one kind of music I am not, ironically-- he plays steel too, and vocals, but specializes in lead guitar and chet-atkins style) so I don't want to take that back yet. So yesterday I went online to Musician's Friend and bought a decent iBeam acoustic pickup, a little Roland 30W cube amp, a decent Sennheiser vocal mike and stand, and some misc. things. Cost too much money but there you go, I'm obsessed and broke -- a real musician, HAHA.

Two things I found I'm dying for now but won't be able to afford for a long time: A Dean 12 string bass -- you can play guitar as well as bass on it, it looks awesome -- and a 'pocket' trumpet, shortened length, over-wound more like a french horn, looks SO cool. OK, my trumpet playing even at its height sounded like a camel in heat I admit, but trumpet is the best and fastest vocal warmup on earth.

Long ago when the world was young, I played acoustic rock -- this combines lead and rythym and finger picking in one approach, so you can try and express the larger potential of a song in a solo acoustic performance -- it'll be awhile before I can do much I figure, I can't even remember my own songs (I had *hundreds* of them -- I remember a few, that's all). I managed to remember most of the simple finger-picking songs I used for tuning for years (you know, the guitar basics -- blackbird, dust in the wind, blue finger, classical gas, etc.) although my clarity sucks. (At one point I bellowed in disgust, "Oh my GOD. My FINGERS are FAT!" sending my husband in the other room into peals of laughter. I was too grouchy to see the humor until later...)

But there it is. I've abruptly dropped everything else I've been involved in for years, and I totally don't care about much of anything anymore except my kid, my music, and my job. I assume that since Remote Viewing is so much a part of my life the last dozen years, that this will come back in once the initial obsession with music mellows a little, but who knows?

Gotta get back to work here.
.

"I'm so inspired, I think I may kill myself."

Sometimes, when I see a session in the TKR RV Galleries that is so good it makes my eyes pop out, I am torn between being delighted ("heh! they're in MY software playing!"), inspired ("wow! you see? another reminder it can be done!") and depressed ("oh my god. I should give up now and leave it to people like this.").

I was laughing my butt off this morning at a video series a friend sent me. It's 3 videos but they are just 3 pieces of this kid playing the Led Zeppelin song 'stairway to heaven' (it's a long song).

The first part is the typical finger picking-style intro, the second is more of the same, but the third is the rock lead guitar solo and the kid, casually sitting there in a long nightshirt, nails it. He's like... maybe 7 years old.

The videos were good, especially the last one, but it was the comments of the visitors that literally made me laugh until I was crying. All these adult guitarists -- having the same reaction to this kid rocking Zeppelin as some people feel about some viewer rocking a session beyond belief. Utterly hilarious!! Although I don't play much anymore, guitar, singing and songwriting used to be "my whole life" so it struck a chord with me... pun intended. ;-)

The three videos are here: Part 1 [slow] - More of the same - Rock lead solo

The Warder

I was saying earlier about the Warder thing. I have a post from a few months ago called The Warder, about my best friend, whom I am coincidentally passionately in love with, but really, that's a completely different subject.

I think people have more of the psychic bond of Warders than our society recognizes, at least, depending on the people. I certainly seem to with him.

He thinks he's been demoted, after reading my last blog post. I threaten to announce my undying love for him publicly and demand he make a commitment to me. The latter of which would probably send him into some kind of allergic reaction.

In any case, I think one of the more interesting aspects of psi is the relationships between human beings. I pick up a lot more about people now by voice, email and chat and so on than I ever did before. I'm willing to bet most viewers do, as a side effect of awareness or something.

Body Double

I've been paying attention lately to this concept of my body as an Earth Elemental that I essentially "conjoined with" in order to be a player on this planet.

After reading the 'Wheel of Time' book series (by Robert Jordan) I thought a lot about this concept of a Warder. It really appeals to me on many levels, though not quite so one-sided as it seems like in the books. It's nearly a sort of psychic-spiritual fantasy: wouldn't it be awesome to have another entity with whom you are so close that you are psychically conjoined? Not so extremely as to interfere with individual identity of course, but closely enough to serve as each others' protector, in different ways.

Essentially to have one entity with whom one is so bonded that there is really no issue of romance or commitment or uncertainty: already, you're inseparable. They are a deeper part of you than could spare any room for question. (Some part of me off in the corner is smirking that maybe this is my 'biological clock' griping about not having a person that I have that committed a relationship with...)

The more I think about my body, the more I feel convinced that this is very literally the relationship that we have. The irony of it... All these years that I wished I could commune better with nature spirits. All this time feeling so fascinated at how another lifeform might exist and perceive reality and experience. And all along, I've been as intimate as one can be with an extremely advanced, sentient earth-elemental being... so close to me I couldn't even see it.

Back in the Bewilderness days I had an experience where, briefly, I had a complete out of body experience except the sense of "I" awareness stayed with the body instead of going with the part that left. That was completely disconcerting. I'd had OBEs my whole life and thought it was normal, but I had honestly just never even thought of such a thing as staying with the body while some 'other' part of one leaves before!

I observed how different it was. How trying to use 'logic' was nearly a linear process that made a normally split-second thought process into an agonizingly tedious step-by-step progression. How my eyes could see things, but I understood that my brain could not evaluate it clearly because I lacked the normal more-advanced perceptual faculties to process it.

Back in January of '06 I had some of the most amazing meditations I've ever had in my life. We are talking total virtual reality, total "autonomy" on the part of the archetypes and aspects etc., and visuals that were so utterly astounding I still feel awe just thinking about them. I could have sworn I blogged about them but apparently I didn't (which seems very odd). As just one example:

I found myself in a cramped, dank cell, with the barest hint of some metallic immpression, and definitely kind of wet. A frog-creature with a flat face and huge eyes met me, moved across the room in the kind bizarre way only a human-sized frog could, reached up impossibly high and pulled down this chain that opened up a part of the ceiling and folded down as steps to the ground. I thanked him, and went up the steps. Down a hallway with more weird things than I can recount, at the other end there was a doorway. I knocked, it vanished, and this lizard-like creature made entirely of ice -- but dry ice sort of -- stood there. He led me through a big room, around and down as if I were in a very complex house, and finally to the door of another room, which opened. A man, who seemed respectable and vaguely British (that part cracked me up), with a neatly trimmed beard and wearing a suit, opened the door and let us in. He thanked the lizard-ice-creature who promptly melted into nonexistence. Then he had a conversation with me.

He said he was "representative" consciousness of this part of my body. We were in this really big room, and over at the far side were these low walls and some big open area they were bordering. He took me over there and I looked down over the wall -- it went down quite a ways -- and was simply stunned into speechlessness by the vision. Below, there were zillions of these buckey-ball-shaped "panels" is all I can call them, each of them independent, and zillions of them in a circular shaped pattern. There was a slow 'swirling' motion that they all were in. There were other things too but those were the ones that really caught my attention. For some reason I had the overlay of the panels used to make satellite dishes. At one side of the vast opening with this swirling zillion-piece thing some ways down, was this fluid reservoir kind of thing. He told me, "This is one of your eyes. You are seeing it from the back, in a way that you normally could not." I had to spend awhile simply stunned at the complexity and beauty of it.

He told me that water was a problem. That my whole body was in competition with itself for the rare resource of water. The sinuses, the eyes, every organ, the brain and spinal cord, that they all had representative intelligences, such as himself, that I could talk to if I wanted. I realized it was because I'd been chronically dehydrated for eons, as some researchers suggest our whole culture is to the cellular level thanks to a lifetime of drinks that aren't water. He said that he was giving me this tour because they were really having a serious problem: they were so water-deprived it was causing severe issues with the continued operation without degradation of that part of my body. He wanted to ask me to see that 'his people' -- his area -- got enough water. I thought about it a bit, and then I meant to pull out a paper and pen which somehow became a scroll and inked quill, and I wrote out something like, "First dips on all incoming water to the body, as much as is needed," and I signed my name, and I said, here, will this help? And he seems pretty happy and he says with relief, "This is wonderful. Yes it will help. Especially with the politics of it." I looked at him in some confusion and said, "Politics? My body has politics?" He looked like he wanted to laugh out loud, but he just said dryly, "You have NO idea."

I looked over the edge at the swirling mass of independently moving, shifting buckeyball panels, which seemed to be reflecting these orbs of light that were shooting up from somewhere yet farther below, as if each panel could move so it could reflect it as needed. Then I thanked him, and the stiff un-cold but ice-like lizardish creature grew out of fluid again, led me back to the hallway entrance where he had met me. I went back down the hall, ignoring all the openings, doors and distractions, and down the stairs and into the dank, vaguely metallic feeling cell where the giant frog with huge eyes awaited me. I thanked him and bowed and ended the meditation.

The two most profound parts of it were that first, the visuals were AMAZING. We're talking "3D with Dolby Sound" as a friend used to say of her visions. The "reality" of it was stunning. The second was that everything was a surprise. When you really get the meditative world down, you are not controlling it, nor totally passive, it's almost like you are feeding it a stream of creative energy but then you are allowing that energy to autonomously be what it will without your interference, so the interaction can be just as novel and astonishing as things can be in real life (sometimes, oddly, moreso).

I hadn't thought until then about the fact that if a small copse of flowers is filled with consciousness that is its own identity to some degree, with 'representative' earth-nature spirits and devas and so on, well then, definitely, the highly complex human body is as well, especially when you consider how it is intertwined with our consciousness.

I had other meditations during that period that focused on things in the body, but I didn't go back to the eye -- I didn't go there on purpose to begin with, it was a new kind of meditation and that's just where I ended up -- but it's an experience more striking than nearly any I've had in my life, even in so-called "real life", so I'm not likely to forget it.

And that was just one little part of my body. The overall body is surely even more 'aware'.

I think our tendency to think as our body as "us", even though that's a good thing in a way, is also the reason we don't always recognize it well; my body gets punished for being 'me', hahaha! When I think of my body as a beautiful, incredibly sentient nature spirit that is totally bonded with me, part of me for this journey on earth, I feel a lot more respect for it and awareness of its needs.

Illinois central, Monday morning rail

Been on trains, planes and automobiles. Nearly home now. In a few hours I get up and catch a plane for home.

I like the train, with a couple exceptions; in general, it's neat. Below is what I was blogging earlier, but couldn't get online to post until now.

o0o

just after dark, 3rd December 2006, somewhere in Illinois

I am nearly alone in the dark. A few minutes ago it was light, and the train was rocking and rolling along, and everything seemed normal. Then all the lights went off, and in a sudden eerie silence, we slid to a stop.

Not a planned stop. It's dark outside, yet somehow the trees are recognizeably black-on-black as figures in the night. A very odd, muted wailing-whine has begun, two strands of anti-harmony that made the other few people in my small train car giggle nervously. They say now that the power has gone out and the engineers are working to restore it. The world outside seems like a lonely planet, with not even a moon to reflect on the featureless snow.

My novel is no fun in the dark, so I turned on my computer to blog.

I'm feeling a bit entranced today, maybe following on my attempt to seriously meditate last night in my sleeper car. Today I feel as if I am a halfling, caught between two worlds. One world is Mundania, as Piers called it, where all things are logical, the 'real' world as we pretend to know it so we'll feel better thinking reality is really that small. The other world is something else, something filled with shapes and shadows, with astronomically improbable convenience of circumstance showing up just on time and then receding into the unmanifest like that is normal. It feels as if there are vague but living energies reaching right into my body, yet somehow a few steps toward the astral part of it, tugging on me, calling like a destiny I recognize as part of me but can't seem to remember its name.

All day today, thinking about returning to my 'normal' life at home, it has felt like something in a dream. I have the oddest sense, as if all of reality is a total illusion, a game that we are all playing, supporting each others' delusions, psychically arranging to only meet or talk about the points of reality we think we have in common for the most part. It feels as if there are two very distinct worlds: one on the surface, that we think is the normal one, but is actually an interesting veneer, woven like a group dream out of the strings of time. The other, the 'real' world, a vastly deeper, infinitely more complex world, is what is really 'real', but which the liliputians on the surface of my reality dismiss as dream and fantasy. I try not to pay too much attention to it. I don't want the Lilliputians to know just how different I am from most of them. I don't want them to know I am not a character on their safe surface world. My deeper roots only frighten people. My adulthood is a testament to my dedicated attempt to learn how--and successfully--convince the people around me that we share an agreement about reality.

I felt the pull today. I haven't felt that since... 1993-5, my Bewilderness phase. I felt the pull of "coincidence I can count on." It was pitch black. "Give me light while I type the password," I thought, only to instantly have a light from some engineer outside flash in my window on my keyboard. The moment I finished typing it was past. Are those precognition... the arrangement of the present to fit the impending... or? I wasn't surprised somehow. I have been talking with my body today. My beautiful friend. My earth elemental that has been so unrecognized and unthanked most of my life. It is indeed the ultimate Warder: the strength that carries me, defends me, anchors me in this world. My body has been my best friend lately. Ever since I nearly poisoned it by taking that medicine I was allergic to... I have been suddenly more aware of it, aware that maybe I am a selfish shallow brat not to have realized that my body has its own destiny, its own life, its own joy in living, and my ignoring it and abuse of it is so unfair. Body and I have become much closer the last day or so in particular.

Today I'm distracted. I want to know truth. Back in that bewilderness era, I knew it. I could feel it, because it was so strongly inside me that I could recognize the distortions, distractions, confusions and evasions that stripped truth of its natural beauty. Nobody would believe. It doesn't matter. I could feel 'the red thread of truth' as I called it, in what people said, in anything I read. I could separate truth from intent, another subtlety. It occurs to me to wonder why it is that the moment I launched into remote viewing well over a decade ago, the massive conscious psi that I had accepted as simply novel and inexplicable, actually went away almost entirely. It is as if a person who dreamed throughout their entire daily experience, suddenly was told, "Look here, how fascinating--you can dream when you sleep!"--and suddenly, something about the mental model of that, caused dreams to cease except during sleep.

Did it wake my ego left brain up to protect me? How did I go from being impossibly psychic as thoroughly as I breathed, to studying psi yet having almost none of it manifest anymore, except in occasional dreams or experiences?

I think... I think that is what I need to make a decision about. It is my focus, as the Narrator made clear to me years ago. You get what you focus upon, as Seth said. I always do. I am always intense. But I let my focus get distracted and diffused and join the drama-queen of surface reality. I've used "doing" things to cloak awareness of "being".

Until now, I haven't felt like I had the energy to live the degree of self-integrity that I maintained in those years, that allowed me that kind of awareness. The effort to maintain awareness of every thought, to pull back from every tempting daydream, and from all the small sarcasms of daily life, was huge. It was a bliss of awareness, with the exhilaration of courage, and the unbelievable exhaustion of constant internal change. I was so happy, and yet, I recognized the sheer amount of work that it took to hold that state of mind, state of being, state of grace, was so much more work than most anybody would be willing to invest.

I miss that, for the first time in a long time.

[later]

So, as usual the power was out in our train car. Nobody woke us to tell us we were at the kansas city train station. I woke up just in time to see the lights, realize where we were, get my stuff and get out the door before the train drove off with me to somewhere else.

The Kansas City "Union Station" is apparently the biggest in the country except New York. I feel about it rather like I do the Atlanta airport. On one hand, you have to admit that it's gigantic and it's got tons of stuff and so on. On the other hand, if you make the mistake of feeling like the important thing is getting on a train or a plane, then your feelings maybe different. In Atlanta, even with trams and moving sidewalks the place is so huge you need to wear running shoes and just ship your luggage UPS to your destination instead. At the KC union station, once you finally get around the big area with the little train and all the shops and diners and such, and get yourself into where the actual train ticket counter etc. is, once you have done everything and there's nothing more to do than get on or off a train, THEN you get to go outside, in like -2F degree weather, and walk about a city block down this sidewalk, and then this lonnnnnnng flight of steps (there is an elevator fortunately), and then down this lonnnng sidewalk beside the train. Should your nose fall off from the freezing cold prior to that, there is nobody to help you. Train cars, like hotel rooms, are always the farthest possible distance they can be from wherever you start. It's like some kind of cosmic law. I found myself blessing myself for having shipped my luggage home, all but my personal laptop and a small carryon. It was still hard work!

I was waiting to see if my kid or my friend came online. After insisting I couldn't leave her, the kid has disappeared for half an hour now. My friend is probably working or busy or something. I should go take a shower but I'm freezing here. I think I'll see if the radiator in this cheap motel room is capable of anything more interesting than what I feel. At this rate I'm going to put my coat and scarves back on and just sleep in my clothes.

Meanwhile... being away from home, although not a huge thing as I worked during it, was at least 'away from home' which was a nice break. If I could just get enough sleep now, to feel human and strong, I can begin the priority shift I came to while away.

Must sleep now.