I'm just a griping fool today.
Sometimes the degree of my obligations compared to my time, energy, or ability to meet them, is so ludicrous it's like some kind of cosmic joke. The song of my life is a real Amy Lee number: not just words and lyrics for me, no sir. More like an angst-ridden rock opera Dolby soundtrack for the life of a drama queen.
I just want to view. My work is more than full time. My kid takes a vast percentage of my available time; even just a long shower is a big treat for me. That's more than I get most days. And what time is left per week, well, attempting to do something constructive (like improveing TKR's free viewer tools) more than sucks it down and needs more. Never mind other family, or a life of any kind, let alone 'time for me'.
But the real bitch is that all I want to do is view.
Everything in my life feels like one more obstacle in the way of me having sufficient time to view. Cyclically I get up the determination to tell the world to stuff it and focus on me, but it always passes far too soon, and I'm enmeshed and embroiled in other stuff. Mostly the fulltime work, single mom theme. When not that, then the do- something- constructive- for- RV- online- theme. I wonder when my Theme Song Guy is going to write one that is actually for me.
Meanwhile, I improved three things in TKR last week, which (here's a shocker, not) means I half-broke one of them, and completely screwed up something unrelated by accident while I was at it. There's a reason programmers work in teams with alpha testing, beta testing, etc. -- as opposed to one sleep deprived person coding fast as they can on a weekend or at 3am and then putting it online right after since well, the locals have to be the guinea pig beta testers, there isn't anybody else for the job.
Right now I am so sleepy I can't sleep. I swear. I'm literally over-tired. My eyes are sore and squinty and I think I see more hairs turning grey by the day. I want to curl up but I promised the kid some mommy time tonight, so we'll be watching some kind of amazon unbox. We watched the Veronica Mars third season recently. I guess today we might watch some of the sci-fi. I should be working on fixing TKR but I'm so exhausted I don't think my brain is up to it anyway.
Oh yeah, if I could quite whining for a minute, I could mention that Joe McMoneagle and Joseph Chilton Pearce will be speaking on March 23rd at a conference dinner held by the Rhine Research Center in South Carolina. See his blog.
Meanwhile I am seriously deprived of best-friend time as well which is a bummer, since a lot of my sanity is based on good people who help balance me, since I apparently have none of the quantity of my own. And I owe so many people a variety of things like websites, book reviews, things I need to mail, I'm starting to feel like I should really review my budget, figure out where I can scrimp insanely, and try to come up with enough money to do a few hours a couple times a week of some local college girl helper. When I moved here 7 years ago, for the first couple years I had a 15-30 hr/wk personal assistant. There is probably something inherently snotty about me that I think I feel perfectly justified in having servants.
Since I don't have time to write more than one out of like 50 people I owe email to I decided to just write one thing on my blog. I figure my friends will read it and thank god I am not talking to them. Mission accomplished.
As soon as I get some SLEEP, assuming a decent portion of that happens soon, I'll be viewing again. Though lately I seem much more of an expert on how not to get around to it. Zzzzzzzzzz.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
I'm just a griping fool today.