Midas

I had a great meditation this morning. Too tired to view or meditate last night, I woke up early this morning for it instead. I was merging all over the place, and getting so much energy that right after each one I'd have to yawn and stretch immediately. I did an archmed with a conglomerate, part of which was based on the thing in my previous post.

I was having a problem, in that I was still a bit sleepy, and now and then would slide off into a half-day/half-real dream. Then I'd bring myself back to what I was doing and focus on dissolving and releasing some of the negative elements in the daydreams. It happened again after I'd merged as The Four, and then it happened again after I'd merged as The Coalition, and I had this strong sense that the only thing worse than negative daydreaming in general, was negative daydreaming during a major energetic merge experience with a larger part of your self.

At the same time I was realizing this with their help, came the voice of one of them saying, With power comes responsibility. I understood, and I managed to keep my act together through the remainder of all the meditative work. I thought it humorous because LD and I were just talking about that concept yesterday.

Just as I was finishing up the last of it -- which was no longer in the tower with the Coalition but way over and into the other world where I meet my Inner Guide and archetypes -- I had this sort of insight. Funny enough, I've been told this and shown this plainly more than once, by IG, by the Narrator, etc. It's something like this:

Your power to create your reality is vast. But, your reality follows your focus. So, if you do not have the discipline to keep your focus clean and positive, that inherent power will be throttled down by many aspects of yourself, for your own protection.

The power to change your reality to bring the things you want, includes the power to change your reality to bring the things you don't want. The cleaner your focus gets, the safer it becomes for the power available to you, to flow through you and follow your focus.

So to increase the intensity of your inherent, automatic power to create your reality, clean up your focus. Watch your thoughts. Curtail, dissolve and release negative daydreams. Turn off the auto-pilot and work to be as 'aware' of the Self as possible.

Pay attention to the words that leave you: evaluate them to make sure they are completely true. Sarcasm, joking, flippancy, often cause untruths that we do not consider lies, but they weigh against the clarity of the overall focus.

Your reality follows your focus: life is biofeedback. Your power to effect change in that reality -- real "magic" -- will be in direct proportion to how much or little your larger self feels it must protect you from yourself.

I suppose the lesson recurs because I'm not getting it, haha.

So like Midas, who wanted everything he touched to turn to gold, but then had reason to grieve for that when his food and his daughter were transformed, we deal with a similar issue in our daily existence. We want every focus we touch to spring to reality, all our wishes and dreams and creative aspirations. But as long as our 'awareness' is not in control of our focus keeping it clean and positive and allowing, we risk springing some very dark and tragic elements into our reality.

I learned this, back in '94. I actually accomplished this, temporarily alas. The amount of incredibly hard work it took in terms of really being as "aware" every moment as was possible, was kind of amazing. It really does take effort, and a lot of it, to be aware, and to responsibly deal with what we find in ourselves. Later, after marrying and my life changed radically, I changed my focus. The Narrator showed me back then, what I had done, and that I had done it for self protection.

I merged with Nero while I was there by the way. I didn't mean to. I just threw my arms around him and hugged him and it started happening, so I accepted that and participated and it was really intense. Very cool.
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The Coalition Rocks Me Out

I've been putting off posting about this since it happened, since it makes sense to me subjectively but I think it'll make me sound like an idiot to everybody else. Heh. Like that would be new for this blog, right...

The last year I've had some truly amazing meditations. Many of them relate to what I've called 'The Four' since 1994 when 'awareness' of that kicked in. An oversimplistic way to explain The Four would be to say that I realized I am part of a deeper/larger identity. Its "primary components" are four identities (all living in different realities), one of which is what I know of as me.

I know 1994-2006 is a long time, but this concept was honestly so hard for me to get a grip on, just because it was so outside my belief systems, that I haven't progressed nearly as fast with it as I do most things in meditation. Earlier this year, I finally accepted it... I thought I had, but realized when it finally DID happen, that I had only JUST totally taken it in.

Shortly following that, I was introduced to what I semi-humorously dubbed The Coalition (also sometimes called the Consortium). It was a whole group of identities -- my mind seems to vary this from 16 to 32 -- a few of which I can see clearly (one is Nero, whom I've mentioned previously in this blog), but most of which I can't, which in my meditations means I am not sufficiently integrated with them.

I was so resistant to this expansion on the concept that even in the meditations, I clung to the chest of my mate of The Four like an intensely shy child, unwilling to open myself to that. It took many attempts before I could even begin to approach the idea with 'meeting' them and shaking their hand, never mind any kind of integration attempt. They are not the same as The Four. We are like the core, in a way. They are more like... an "extension" of that core; a larger pattern, which The Four are simply the central part of.


How this applies to my daily life, I can't tell you. I have no freakin idea what value any of this weird junk might have or not have. It just "is what it is." I don't know what most of it means. I don't know if it's some bizarre creativity, some sublimated form of insanity, some allegory for more practical things. Who knows, seriously. Long ago I learned to just take this kind of thing at face value as it happened, and not try to assign too many assumptions to things or fit them into what others talk about.


Recently, I got really into this new music from a group called Evanescence that I hadn't heard before. Although their album 'Fallen' is overproduced and a bit corporate rock in flavor, still I'm crazy about it. (I can give FTP info for friends who want to grab the MP3s.)

Early on while listening to this I decided to slip into a meditation (in the Tower, a part of my inner space that showed up [I didn't consciously create it, but was directed there by my Senior of The Four]) which was fairly novel, doing a meditation to something akin to hard rock, as I normally have soundtracks or something soft on. But the emotion/power that the music invoked in me, which has always been a major element in driving my meditations, must have been just right -- maybe that's why I had the sudden urge to do it -- and I actually succeeded in the first stage of truly allowing integration of The Coalition. Which is actually another way of just saying, working on my consciously accepting them. It isn't totally complete, but passed a major barrier.

It was just neat music before this. After this meditation, though, I think part of me just flipped out. It was as if I could FEEL that somehow, my primary energetic-body extended several feet farther outside me than is normal. Now I am not normally aware of it to begin with, so I don't know how I could be aware that it was many feet larger in diameter than normal, but that was my perception. I felt "denser inside" -- as if the energy of me was greater, and more "condensed".

The interesting thing is that, like the four, it's all "part of me." It isn't like I have this sense that these 'other' identities 'over there' are present. It's that I just "feel aware of a larger diversity of self inside". And it isn't like the diversity is new, that is the important thing. It is like this has ALWAYS been part of me, and I am simply becoming 'aware' of it whereas I never was before.

Since this recent meditation when I felt I finally integrated with them at the first level, for the first real time, and felt as if my energetic body was so much more thick and solid and larger, I've had a major personal shift in focus. Major.

Everything in my life literally faded into partly transparent behind a sudden obsessive interest in music. In singing, playing, songwriting, listening. Everything. Viewing, webwork, writing, all the things that are important to me, just dropped into near invisibility behind a passion for music.

The ironic thing is that music was my entire LIFE from 5th grade on, and especially from age 15 on. From age 5 I intended to do that as my 'life' and living. From age 18 on it was a major dichotomy that I wanted to do my music, but wanted to keep my 'responsible' job-life because that's what made my dad proud. The conflict internally was massive. Hours every day for years and years on music, it was my life.

In my early 20s, 22-24, I took a couple years to really focus on hypnosis and such, self-therapy I knew I needed. Between my work and school schedule, I had no time for anything. I wrote jazz songs in the car acapella, commuting 4.5 hours a day mostly on the 405 in Los Angeles... if anything could make a person insane...! During that period I gained a really sudden and major amount of weight, which in retrospect is not all that surprising. By the time I came home a couple years later, I was horrified, having been so sleep deprived and stressed out I was kind of half-oblivious about it while it happened. I went on a formal 'diet' to the extreme. And, because it turns out I am genetically very sensitive to carbohydrates and intolerant to gluten, a typical diet composed of high-carb and whole grains did nothing but make me gain more weight and feel lousy. (Most people are clueless about the things that really make people fat. It isn't nearly as much about calories as about how your body reacts to what you eat, at least in some people's case.) Half the women in my family are huge and have spent many decades chronically dieting to little result.

After just barely getting over the urge to put a bullet in my head over how this annihilated all my music plans, because I wouldn't get on stage anymore (I didn't want to leave the house, let alone go to the mall, let alone perform!), I finally decided to accept it rather like someone who'd lost a limb in a car accident or something, and move on with the life it left me. I became a workaholic in a major way, and I pretty much put a hard suppression on the whole music thing that had rushed through me like a river up until then. I couldn't do it halfway. I can't do anything halfway. So it had to just cease entirely. That was what, 17 years ago. A lifetime.

So recently (13 weeks ago) I went on lowcarb, and have been very steadily losing weight. It's just stupid how I could have not known about this 17 years ago. Talk about giving up your life for ignorance. The minute I quit eating stuff I was mildly allergic to and dropped my carb intake, the weight just started falling off. It will be a long time before I'm anything like the weight I want to be, mind you, but it's a start. And I suppose it's possible that this part of why I am digging into psychology that I haven't touched in a long, long time.

I'm obsessed. With music. For the last... ten days, I have done almost nothing but listen to music, and sing a little, and as of yesterday when I finally got one of my guitars cleaned up and re-strung, playing. No webwork. No viewing. No writing. Almost no communications with friends even. I don't even visit my web own projects except like once a week for 2 minutes. Everything, but everything, just suddenly became... well not unimportant, but "unimportant within the larger scheme of things." And the only thing that feels important in that larger picture of me is music.

And I think it's The Coalition's fault. I think this is essentially the much larger picture of what I am inside, and that my hard suppression of music was partly a suppression of energies they are composed of -- and when I accepted that into me and it "came into manifestation" as part of me, all those parts of me I'd buried were there again. As intense as they were when I buried them. Like a suppressed memory that when it comes back, is as strong as if it just happened... this like a suppressed drive-focus that is as strong as it was when locked away.

Of course, after 17 years of not playing or singing, I suck. :-) This doesn't really bother me. Music was always my primary talent, and I'm sure I can pick it up again.

Why I would want to even bother picking it up again at age 41 is beyond me. That's way too old to do anything with it really; particularly for women, the industry is geared to youth. But even if it's nothing more than fun, than local coffeehouses and street singing at some point, even if I don't pursue it the way I intended when young, I don't think it would be possible for me to suppress this again. I'm just going to have to trust that if this is what I really need at the moment, that I'll let it carry me forward and expect that there will be some value to it, even if only health and state of mind.

17 years ago I gave my dad my Fender amp and 'loaned' him back the old original Les Paul signature guitar he gave me for my 18th birthday (it had been his guitar) and all the other various music equipment I had, save for three other guitars (Goya 6 string [division of Martin, not as nice as Martin but good tone, dreadnought]; Degas spanish flattop, and Takemine 12 string). He uses the Paul for some of his gigs (he's C&W, the one kind of music I am not, ironically-- he plays steel too, and vocals, but specializes in lead guitar and chet-atkins style) so I don't want to take that back yet. So yesterday I went online to Musician's Friend and bought a decent iBeam acoustic pickup, a little Roland 30W cube amp, a decent Sennheiser vocal mike and stand, and some misc. things. Cost too much money but there you go, I'm obsessed and broke -- a real musician, HAHA.

Two things I found I'm dying for now but won't be able to afford for a long time: A Dean 12 string bass -- you can play guitar as well as bass on it, it looks awesome -- and a 'pocket' trumpet, shortened length, over-wound more like a french horn, looks SO cool. OK, my trumpet playing even at its height sounded like a camel in heat I admit, but trumpet is the best and fastest vocal warmup on earth.

Long ago when the world was young, I played acoustic rock -- this combines lead and rythym and finger picking in one approach, so you can try and express the larger potential of a song in a solo acoustic performance -- it'll be awhile before I can do much I figure, I can't even remember my own songs (I had *hundreds* of them -- I remember a few, that's all). I managed to remember most of the simple finger-picking songs I used for tuning for years (you know, the guitar basics -- blackbird, dust in the wind, blue finger, classical gas, etc.) although my clarity sucks. (At one point I bellowed in disgust, "Oh my GOD. My FINGERS are FAT!" sending my husband in the other room into peals of laughter. I was too grouchy to see the humor until later...)

But there it is. I've abruptly dropped everything else I've been involved in for years, and I totally don't care about much of anything anymore except my kid, my music, and my job. I assume that since Remote Viewing is so much a part of my life the last dozen years, that this will come back in once the initial obsession with music mellows a little, but who knows?

Gotta get back to work here.
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Making Space for Probability

I know, I've been away from my blog longer than ever before. I was getting an attitude adjustment, mostly by getting a life. I am feeling a bit better now.

The hard part about not writing for so long is deciding what to talk about when I return. There were several amazing dreams I wanted to share, but the time has passed, and now it seems silly to bore you with them. A couple of spontaneous psi events, but they seem like trivia now. And several great meditations, but now they just seem embarrassing. If I blog on a timely basis I think everything is interesting. If I wait, I feel like my psyche is just a string of beads, with every bead being some trivial event. Like the alien dreams where one is just 'here' and then 'there' with no in-between, life seems more like that in retrospect.

I think I'll just mention one of the dreams, because it repeats a 'theme' that I find really fascinating.

The dream later felt like a story created for me, more than the other types of dreams I have. I was in a multi-story building with many friends whom I don't currently know. We were at war with another group of people, and they had a monster, like a giant who looked bizarre, and we were trying to make the big house a fortress of sorts. A man we knew well came to visit us, and began telling us the most fascinating story. It was so fascinating that we just stood there, enthralled, as he spun it out. And when he was done, he stepped aside and we realized that he was working for the bad guys -- and while we were all distracted, his people had let in the monster. Everybody scrambled in different directions, as it lumbered into the big room where we were.

I started to panic. What can I do?! I thought desperately.

And then I saw Nero. Remember Nero? I see him more often now, in meditations; this is the first time I've ever seen him in a dream. (And I might be inventing that it was him, but I feel more sure all the time that it was.) He was standing calmly in the center of the room, as if he had appeared just to answer my question.

"There is always a doorway out," he said. "Always. You have to look for it while holding yourself in a state of faith -- a suspension of disbelief -- you have to accept that it IS there, in order to create the space for that probability to come through." I tried to do this, imagining that something would fall in front of the monster to slow him down at the same time some opening would come for me, and I told myself to believe it and feel happily-optimistic that "it could happen!" and sure enough, it happened. Later, in a different situation on a high floor with bad guys closing in on me, I found myself in panic again, and Nero appeared and reminded me. He talked me through it, until the situation had a break and I found a way out.

This situation repeated, each time unique, like 100 times in the dream. When I woke up, it felt much like the 'dream school' I wrote about in 1994-5 on CompuServe, except I had no guide help there. But it felt like a sort of training.

I've always felt that reality was the true test. That the ability to find one's way out of reality problems and into positive opportunities was the real measure of how well a person was doing with incorporation that Sethian kind of philosophy into their real life.

Anyway.

LD and I were talking about how forcing something novel into your day is the best way of manifesting stuff, because the 'patterns' we live in are such ruts. If you want some opportunity to arrive, force novelty.

On that note, I've worked 40 years worth of working-hours in the last 20 years of my life. In that time, I've had count them TWO vacations. One for a week, one for two. Well I am taking another vacation! I am heading up to a mountain in Colorado to take a break from my life. I intend to just sit around and read (finish the Wheel of Time series, and the Black Jewels trilogy) and crochet and view and meditate. The things I never have time to do. I have a nice room in a B&B with a wonderful innkeeper I hope will tell me stories of her life while I crochet -- get this, she's spent much of her life as a genuine shipwreck treasure hunter! -- and a bath and electric fireplace in the room... ah, I can hardly wait. I leave the 17th and will be back the 4th, although four days of that is travel time. I am driving to another city to the airport, taking a small plane to a big city, staying in a hotel overnight, and taking a train the next morning, one for 4-5 hours and then a delay of a few more hours and then 24 hours on the next one--I got a 'roomette' for the 24hr part of the to/from journey, so I can lay on a bunk and read. That's right, I just want to lay around and do NOTHING to the extent possible.

And view. I have been off viewing for a little while now, in my avoidance of the entire subject, and I miss it so much, it's like a drug of the spirit calling me home. So I'll be taking several tasks with me. Any of y'all who are experienced viewers (so know tasking) who want to send a target with me, set it up at the offsite tasker's form at TKR (login here and click the middle box for 'offsite tasking' before submit) and make it so it has feedback after 11/20 and email me the link or post it here. I won't look at the link till I've done the session obviously. If you're nice I'll share the session with ya. Preferably something with feedback ok! I have enough esoteria right now.

OK, I'm off. I promise to blog more regularly now!

Red

The Glass Tower

Well I felt pretty weird all that night but by the next morning, couldn't really find any trace of the 'NewMe' as I'd been calling it.

Well, maybe I am in some fashion different, but it's subtle enough that it doesn't matter.

It did get me wondering about personalities though. Like, author Jane Roberts who channeled Seth, who said at one point that she was an aspect of him basically, well Seth always perceived her more as "Rupert," some personality she had been a century previous I think, even though he said that we live many, many lives. Now I have to wonder, how come he was focused on Jane, yet he perceived Rupert more?

So I got thinking, you know, to simplify this, let us say that you had ten different personalities (ten different lives). Let us say that someone is perceiving more about your soul, more like "the conglomerate of you."

Might it be that the one most likely to come through "most strongly" out of all your personalities, is the one(s) that for whatever reason was "most AWARE"? Generally to me, it seems like awareness relates to the amount of one's fuller-self one is aware of in the moment. So you might say that even though those ten personalities all spring from the same pool of consciousness, that one of them might be 'larger' -- encompasses a larger % of that pool than the others do.

And so, if you looked at Jane (or Steve), even though you were focused on them, if you were perceiving them at some soul-level instead of just the surface, might you get more of the personality-of-soul that is most aware? Which might be another identity?

In this regard, I'm not trying to invent a reason for RV data to match, I'm just trying to understand how my mind works and why things came through like that.

Moving on.

So I did a session last night, first impression was animal and I pushed that aside. My mind proceeded to give me info I would NOT reject. I figure, that this did not relate to the target was my own fault...

I decided to meditate awhile before doing more. I get to my space and remember, grudgingly, that the Senior says I'm to come to the tower more often. I go as if to go there but find myself where I usually prefer to go, out on the top of the castle, looking off one corner toward the distant mountains. Stet usually shows up there. But then all these other people from the tower started showing up, half a dozen, all male. Nero was there.

It was apparent they were following me, since I wouldn't go into the tower... just didn't feel like it.

So then suddenly, this guy, like a workman, walks by carrying this gigantic sheet of glass. I did like a triple-take. This is not the kind of thing that generally happens in your 'sacred space' so to speak. He's one of the guys from the tower, I sense. I say, "What are you doing?!" And he says, "Why, carrying glass!" (doh!)

He does something then, right there in the middle of the open space where I hang out, and after awhile of activity I can't quite make out for purpose or detail, he steps back and I see it.

It penetrates the stone that is the roof of the castle I'm standing on. I couldn't believe it could do that. Then my eyes follow it up and I see it is a really tall, thin, pointed shape made of glass.

I just stand there, trying to figure out what this means. Then hits me: It's A GLASS TOWER. Heh. A tower! Coincidence?? I wonder if my not going in the tower, and some tower aspects coming out to me, relates to the fact that a glass tower just got stuck in my roof and is now sticking way up in the sky.

I look around at them. They look at me. I say, "I have NO IDEA what this means." Nobody volunteers anything.

Aggravated and clueless, I decided to skip the meditation, or more viewing, and just go to sleep, so I did.

The Wall of Fear

The Senior had told me to come to the Tower regularly. But every time I show up, with all those new people ("aspects" or whatever) there, I respond so weirdly. The first few times I was insanely shy, and literally had this feeling of curling up like a kid against one of the Four. Earlier and then again tonight I went to the tower, everybody was there of course, and I realized that what I feel is outright fear. It comes in waves and spots and bombs depending on who I'm looking at.

Last night I had the bright idea that I would attempt to integrate a little (again, it clearly needs far more work) with each of the other aspects. Nero was there and I haven't seen him since whenever I mentioned him last, except "there" peripherally. So I decided to start with him. I faced him, and even him, I just felt extreme "turbulent" fear with, despite that I know he is cool.

My sense was that all these new aspects as a total package are like... hmmn. I used to call the four elementals of soul, "the linoleum theory," like how you look down at some tile and each four create a whole pattern, but then each of the four are linked in different positions into several other 4-patterns, too. Plus, of course, larger patterns. Well it is like maybe I got "the next ring out," like say 16 or whatever, more tiles all around us. I know that all those identities are part of me and when I am able to accept them, and basically "extend myself through them" in doing so, there will be some benefit to this, more power, more identity, more whatever it is that we think is evolutionary. For whatever reason I am having a difficult time with that apparently.

I had such a problem with Nero---I was completely incapable of merging with him at all---that I asked him and my inner guide (who I called to me for the occasion) and they both said sure, I can work in the tower, with these parts of me, just like I work with archetypes. So I laid him out on a medical table and looked at him, knowing there would be something up since I was having such issues with him.

I kept finding these big, kind of heavy-metal pieces of stuff in him, like formed stainless steel pieces of some structure or object that had gotten somehow half-deep into him. I would take each of them out gently, dissolve them and dump them into the waste grill under my feet to be washed out of the body. I turned him over and finally, the last major visible issue was this really big heavy all-metal knife that was in his back but down toward the lower right side a bit. I worked carefully on getting it out of him without pain, and then decided when I breathed and counted to 3 I would totally "let go of the part of myself that is that knife" and transmute the now-seems-separate energy into gold light at the same time. To my astonishment when I did this, it was a totally body-rocking amazing rush of buzzing energy. So... I guess it did SOME good.

Then tonight I went back to the tower and this time really paid attention. I decided that I have to deal with all this fear. I believe I'm having some offbeat side effects in my reality as a result of it in really fundamental areas of life I don't want to screw with (like my job). So I went back, and let myself feel whatever came to me. The amount and variety of fear was just ridiculous.

I asked the other three of me for help and finally the senior put his hand into my heart and I felt that I had the strength to deal with it because I AM, autonomously, and all is me, and I command. Then "she" put her fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through great love, and compassion, and nobility, and infinite flexibility. And then my mate put his fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through sheer courage and skill and toughness. Then I merged with him, and the other two together, and then all into one.

I found myself crying to them that when they left me before (long ago, not on this blog, when they were each "sacrificed," died in my inner world in a deep dream, and I did not see them for a long time after that) I was utterly bereft, and I begged them to please, never ever leave me again. I could feel that somehow my fear with all the others had at least a little relation to my fear about losing The Four.

So I had to figure out how to deal with all the fear which was just too much at once. Recalling an ancient dream where a friend of mine had "a whole jungle" of dark spiky stuff held in "stasis" in a big, endlessly deep blue pool, I decided that this might be the route. I would create a thoughtform to "hold the fear-energy in stasis," and then I would see if I could move it outside me into this thoughtform. Then I could see it. Not sure why but it seemed important that I see it, that it not be just some hidden feeling, but that I could objectify it.

So I imagined a big clear box that would hold the energy, and I went through myself, looking at the various people, letting the waves of fear come in and then imagining gathering all that energy up together and pushing it into the stasis-box, where it would be held safely for me. I had to do this for awhile, on all six sides of this clear cube. Finally I felt that most of my primary fear had been projected into this thoughtform-box and I could now step back and consider it.

There was way too much for the box; it had a real density/intensity as a result. So I imagined that it spread out into a maybe 12" thick whole 'wall' of clear stasis-container. Imagine if a fish tank were floor to ceiling, an entire wall, and about a foot deep, it looked like that. And all the energy was "roiling"---that word came to mind---inside. There were a zillion shades and textures and densities and more.

I found myself just left of center, looking at this yellow-red area and somehow I "knew" that this was the fear related to cowardice. I thought that was curious, given the yellow and wondered if that human association had some good reason for the color it turns out. I walked to the right a little and, like a wall-sized spectrum, it blended into light orange-red, that was a sort of fear of self expression (I associated this with 'creative fear'). Onward to dark orange-red and it became fear that linked into the core of my ego (my 'focus personality' as Seth would put it).

When it reached bright red-red the fear was merely outright terror: no association, no shading, nothing but fear itself (and maybe fear-of-fear). I continued walking to the right and looking into the clear wall, and the energy, still 'roiling' everywhere of course, turned into a sort of red-blue. It felt literally like this was a sort of conscious-"ouchie" bruise sort of fear, like hurt feelings and fear related to things like my looks or my social status and things like that. This blended gradually into a dark, red-purple area of hues, which felt like "deep old wounds" that had never healed, like fear resulting from things that somehow had caused my heart great injury over time. I was at the far wall now, so I turned and walked back to just left of center where I began.

Looking at the yellow-red, I went left then, and the colors shaded into a sort of light muddy red-brown and then darker and darker brown. I felt that this was fear that was filled with biological toxins, essentially fear that if properly vented would be a flu-style bathroom experience, and although all the other shades so far, I had felt were variants on fear-energy, this felt literally like "trash-toxin," something that was not really any energy that needed to be redeemed, but rather, something that just flat-out needed to be vented out of me.

Moving farther to the left, the brown shaded into actual black, and this was really just horrible. My sense was that this was literally toxic in the manner of being disease, on every level, rotting putrid blackness that was beyond mere 'vent this out please' and in need of a HAZMAT crew.

I stepped back then and looked at the entire "wall of fear", with the bright red-red in center and the whole spectrum from left to right. It was a rather odd feeling, to sense that so much of my fear was literally spread out in front of me. I had the feeling that if I were a little better with conscious inner work, I would be able to look into any little part of the wall and focus in and actually 'see' events that had led to or generated the energy in that place.

It was waaaaaay too much to deal with all at once though. I asked IG and the Senior if it would be possible and ok for me to literally leave my fear "in stasis," similar to how my friend had had it. One of them led me to understand that I could do this, but if I did it indefinitely I would have really severe reality and/or health problems from it, so this had to be a very short term thing. I agreed to that. I just wanted to go off and think about it some and ponder on a way of approaching "dealing with" that much stuff at once.

So I closed the meditation. It was time to go view then.

To start my viewing, I always visualize anchoring my kundalini and solar plexus in the core of the earth, and then in the center of galaxy from my crown, and then I imagine the 'string' of energy from one to the other has me, like a shish-ka-bob (haha), and that my spine alines with it. This is no big deal, just about 7-10 seconds on average. So I "sunk me into the core" and realized...

...it felt different. It was like there was no-feeling. Normally when I do this, I feel some vague sense of relief, and a grounding, and an actual affection, for myself as part of earth so to speak, like I am anchoring with mother-energy. As I wondered why it suddenly felt so different, a sort of "insight" came to me, about myself and this process:

The good emotions are actually a side-effect of chronic low-level fear of being separated from self, from that which is part of me. As my fear was held in stasis at that moment, the other emotions didn't follow-on, and I was able to understand that dynamic. I had this sort of reminder -insight: All fear is based on fear of separation from self.

I sort of just sat with this for a few moments, waiting for it to make a little more sense to me. Then I understood that this directly relates to my fear in the Tower, and the reason why mysteriously I was blurting out "Don't leave me!" to the other 3 of 4 earlier. They are a part of me, and although it took me years to accept the larger-me that includes them, now I fear losing them. All the other aspects that the Senior brought to the tower for integration, they make me feel threatened, on many levels, all about loss of self in a few ways, but also loss of the core of us four.

I had this idea that the reality of the universe is something like, "It never was me. It always is me." that I would realize the whole question of what is a part of me vs. separate from me is actually a nonsequiter: in some fashion, there is no such thing. Everything both totally is part of me, and totally is not (I know this makes no sense in linear words, but it does to me in some ineffable way), and hence I can never actually "lose or gain" anything. Facing the "gain and acquisition" of the additional aspects, highlights the flip side of the same belief: that if I can gain parts of me, I can lose them too. Neither are really accurate. In reality, we are all and nothing, and it's just a matter of what we are willing to "extend our attention to."

No FB on the session till this weekend. Hoping to do another on that target.

Before I closed up my lab book (which is both a session book and magical diary of sorts), I had the thought that the wall of fear might require actual divine intervention to properly deal with, of the Jesus - Michael - Sun variety. I will have to do that another night, though. I have to work early.

Feng Shui This

One time I was working on applying feng shui to my house when I realized---well at least it made sense to me at that moment---that feng shui was like astrology on a local scale. That having a fire element in your water zone is like a... transit. Like having your Mars moving through Pisces or whatever. (I know so little of astrology I can't even guarantee a good analogy.)

Recently I was thinking about how all things come in cycles, including relationships. And that not only do we have times where we are closer or farther away from someone, but when one occludes the other, eclipses the other, when both are in a favorable geometry vs. an opposition, etc. It occurred to me that maybe one reason astrology works well on relationships of all kinds (including our relationship with certain life-wide energies, going back to feng shui now), perhaps is because at some level, it's not actually about relationships. But rather, is about... orbits.

This may be fanciful but I think it will be useful tied into archetype meditations.

I haven't viewed in days. I'm a tree sloth! Pond scum! Burnt toast! I know. Between such exhaustion I fall asleep sitting up and when I do have time, not having "reasonably" uninterrupted peace (e.g., I can type in the midst of chaos, but don't bother to view in that, I'm lucky enough to view decently without chaos lol) it hasn't worked out, but then I must be in denial because we all know that any evasion of viewing that lasts more than 48 hours and does not involve an NDE is just denial, right?

I've been doing massive work to rearrange my house. Among other things, this weekend we are building this very cool bed (I didn't get headboard/sidetables just the platform w/drawers) as my room is so small, this helps get rid of dresser and shelves---last night we weren't finished when we took a break and I climbed into a temporary bed fully clothed and passed out pretty quickly.

I admit I have done some brief meditations but not too many. I got a much more substantial merge-effect out of the coalition as I jokingly call them---the coalition of my soul, vs. the four primary elementals I've known until now---I think we are closer now. For what it's worth... I don't know yet, what the point of it is, but really what's the point of anything, even the Four?

When the family opted (as often, sigh) for McDonald's for a late lunch, I decided to get water and try their Asian salad. (I'm not sure McD's should be allowed to use the word "asian." Never mind that it means something diff here than in half of europe or asia for that matter.) To my utter astonishment, it's actually good. I had mine with grilled breast of chicken (no breading) and sesame ginger dressing (Newman's own). Which is a tad sweet (I have a gripe about all dressings seeming like desserts nowdays) but pretty good. The last fastfood salad I had was revolting, so I was amazed I liked this. McDonald's back door is, I kid you not, about 200 yards from my front door. It's hard to keep the fam from wanting to forage there for every meal; it's just slightly farther away than the kitchen and a lot faster than cooking, I guess.)

The "someone else's method vs. your own method" debate keeps going on over at TKR. Now that I've publicly admitted here that two of my sessions were interrupted with something which is at best metaphysics, I feel like I've been publicly branded an idiot and no longer have the right to opine about the subject. I suppose that's the hazard of saying stuff out loud. Guess I better get back to viewing! Meanwhile I'm going to sign off here and meditate for a few minutes before my next obligation.