Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Making Space for Probability

I know, I've been away from my blog longer than ever before. I was getting an attitude adjustment, mostly by getting a life. I am feeling a bit better now.

The hard part about not writing for so long is deciding what to talk about when I return. There were several amazing dreams I wanted to share, but the time has passed, and now it seems silly to bore you with them. A couple of spontaneous psi events, but they seem like trivia now. And several great meditations, but now they just seem embarrassing. If I blog on a timely basis I think everything is interesting. If I wait, I feel like my psyche is just a string of beads, with every bead being some trivial event. Like the alien dreams where one is just 'here' and then 'there' with no in-between, life seems more like that in retrospect.

I think I'll just mention one of the dreams, because it repeats a 'theme' that I find really fascinating.

The dream later felt like a story created for me, more than the other types of dreams I have. I was in a multi-story building with many friends whom I don't currently know. We were at war with another group of people, and they had a monster, like a giant who looked bizarre, and we were trying to make the big house a fortress of sorts. A man we knew well came to visit us, and began telling us the most fascinating story. It was so fascinating that we just stood there, enthralled, as he spun it out. And when he was done, he stepped aside and we realized that he was working for the bad guys -- and while we were all distracted, his people had let in the monster. Everybody scrambled in different directions, as it lumbered into the big room where we were.

I started to panic. What can I do?! I thought desperately.

And then I saw Nero. Remember Nero? I see him more often now, in meditations; this is the first time I've ever seen him in a dream. (And I might be inventing that it was him, but I feel more sure all the time that it was.) He was standing calmly in the center of the room, as if he had appeared just to answer my question.

"There is always a doorway out," he said. "Always. You have to look for it while holding yourself in a state of faith -- a suspension of disbelief -- you have to accept that it IS there, in order to create the space for that probability to come through." I tried to do this, imagining that something would fall in front of the monster to slow him down at the same time some opening would come for me, and I told myself to believe it and feel happily-optimistic that "it could happen!" and sure enough, it happened. Later, in a different situation on a high floor with bad guys closing in on me, I found myself in panic again, and Nero appeared and reminded me. He talked me through it, until the situation had a break and I found a way out.

This situation repeated, each time unique, like 100 times in the dream. When I woke up, it felt much like the 'dream school' I wrote about in 1994-5 on CompuServe, except I had no guide help there. But it felt like a sort of training.

I've always felt that reality was the true test. That the ability to find one's way out of reality problems and into positive opportunities was the real measure of how well a person was doing with incorporation that Sethian kind of philosophy into their real life.


LD and I were talking about how forcing something novel into your day is the best way of manifesting stuff, because the 'patterns' we live in are such ruts. If you want some opportunity to arrive, force novelty.

On that note, I've worked 40 years worth of working-hours in the last 20 years of my life. In that time, I've had count them TWO vacations. One for a week, one for two. Well I am taking another vacation! I am heading up to a mountain in Colorado to take a break from my life. I intend to just sit around and read (finish the Wheel of Time series, and the Black Jewels trilogy) and crochet and view and meditate. The things I never have time to do. I have a nice room in a B&B with a wonderful innkeeper I hope will tell me stories of her life while I crochet -- get this, she's spent much of her life as a genuine shipwreck treasure hunter! -- and a bath and electric fireplace in the room... ah, I can hardly wait. I leave the 17th and will be back the 4th, although four days of that is travel time. I am driving to another city to the airport, taking a small plane to a big city, staying in a hotel overnight, and taking a train the next morning, one for 4-5 hours and then a delay of a few more hours and then 24 hours on the next one--I got a 'roomette' for the 24hr part of the to/from journey, so I can lay on a bunk and read. That's right, I just want to lay around and do NOTHING to the extent possible.

And view. I have been off viewing for a little while now, in my avoidance of the entire subject, and I miss it so much, it's like a drug of the spirit calling me home. So I'll be taking several tasks with me. Any of y'all who are experienced viewers (so know tasking) who want to send a target with me, set it up at the offsite tasker's form at TKR (login here and click the middle box for 'offsite tasking' before submit) and make it so it has feedback after 11/20 and email me the link or post it here. I won't look at the link till I've done the session obviously. If you're nice I'll share the session with ya. Preferably something with feedback ok! I have enough esoteria right now.

OK, I'm off. I promise to blog more regularly now!


Sunday, October 08, 2006


It's been three weeks since I walked away from everything to do with online RV. Aside from a couple posts when a crashed server finally went back up, and private talk with some friends about actual viewing, I've avoided the subject online entirely.

And I'm still burned out. I really feel like the world isn't ready for RV and that includes the majority of the people involved with it online.

So many of the people in this field and their profound lack of ethics, coupled with their armchair fake morally-holier-than-thou routine and constant backend politics, literally make me nauseated. Being forced to even indirectly be involved in the same field makes me feel like a cop who is forced to deal with the total scumbags on the street and feels his optimism about life just slipping away by the day.

There are some really good people in RV. Unfortunately the vast majority of them are lurkers which make them useless to the online field. Those that are here are great, but they are greatly outnumbered by the armchair wannabes and much worse.

I feel like a lot of my efforts over time have been with the assumption that many good deserving people would have something of value. Yet I don't know that this is so. A FEW people -- yes. Not that many. Not enough, to be honest, to make it worth it to me to give up every shred of my precious limited free time. I have had a lot of goals for TKR and I'm not sure I'm going to bother finishing any of them. I've finished a lot of stuff. Maybe not the rest.

I feel like, the people who most respect viewing, and the people who most respect me, would be the first ones to tell me, get offline and do more viewing and have a life PJ. And I really don't care what the rest think.

At the moment I think I may fix some bugs and some minor features in the dojo, and improve a couple 'maintenance' things for the backend. That might be it. I'm not sure that I'll be back, not just to TKR but much of anywhere online besides my personal stuff. I really have reached the point where the BS online, in lists, in my email box, etc. has made me feel like the field just doesn't deserve me. Sure, it sounds stuck up, but that's the way I feel. Some people do, they are great, there just aren't many of them. The subject at large does, it is worthy, it just falls to second place behind the methods and politics and social junk. But on the whole, if this was a relationship, I'd say I deserve better.

I have until November to decide I guess. Not that any decision has to be forever. But I think I may pull most all of my stuff private, make the dojo a private club as I originally planned, spend a lot more of my time viewing than coding, work on my book, and tell the rest of RV to get stuffed.

Works for me, anyway.