Archeology, Ghosts and Dreams

I think I was asleep. It's been a long time since I had an experience and genuinely didn't know afterward if I had been asleep or awake or somewhere in between. This was yesterday morning I think. Or the day before.


I was standing in the dirt with a blue sky overhead. In front of me and off to the side a bit was a small and motley assortment of people who appeared to be doing archeology work. Digging something out. I walked casually toward them, feeling a tug on my memory, but unable to place it, and so shrugging it off. Most of them were sitting below the plane of the land that surrounded the location. It went down probably 15-20' before it reached the artifact area, and at that point, there was a shallow, perhaps 3-5 foot deep, squared inset area, maybe 30-40' squared (wild guess, don't remember exactly). Several steps the full width of the area led up the sides of the inset area.

Behind where most of them worked, visible in the wall of dirt they had dug back to, a couple of columns had already been dug free, and it looked like more were behind that, awaiting. I figured this meant it was some greco-roman kind of building, given the look of the columns. I turned slightly and saw that there were a few small handwritten signs around that described different areas of what they were digging out. As there were people around, tourists it seemed, I thought this might be to reduce how often they bothered the people digging with questions.

I was just about to turn and leave when I noticed the small sign pointing to "the courtyard" inset area, as it called it. I looked back at it again, that tug-of-memory bothering me, and then all the sudden it hit me: I used to live there. I knew that place.

It wasn't an inset courtyard. It had been a shallow pool.

I managed to find the 'person in charge' of the excavation, a man. I told him that he had it wrong; that there was no inset courtyard but an inset pool. I told him that it had been beautiful and clear which suggested there was a water inlet and outlet somewhere that he hadn't dug out yet, and gave some ideas on where to look. I told him how far the columnic area went back, and how over to the sides had been where we slept. And I admitted to him that I knew all this because of a dream I once had.

I remembered the dream clearly. Even conscious I remember it pretty well, though not nearly as well as I did when I was talking to the archeologist. The dream was from several years ago.

I was a young woman living with many other young women in this building. We didn't wear very much in the way of clothing, as if it was very warm. Life was very simple and filled with prayer, focused a bit on beauty (and our beauty). We slept in the same room, most of us. We had other people who also lived with us, older-elders, a few, and several men who had roles I'm not clear on now.

One day we found one of our sisters (priestesses maybe? we weren't physically related) drowned in the pool in the morning. Her body was floating face down. We were stunned and stricken and we buried her with much grief, baffled at how she had managed to drown herself in the night. It was common for us to walk about at night, and the nights were often warm, and a relaxed swim in the pool for awhile to help bring on sleep was not unusual. Nobody had ever managed to drown while doing it though, until then.

Just when we were getting over that, like a bad dream that we were starting to forget and blur with the mercy of time, another of our group was found drowned in the morning. We were terribly upset now and prayed fervently for an answer. Was it a punishment from the gods? Was it foul play? Why did we hear nothing? Was she possessed in some fashion?

Our life had not known fear until then. It seemed we'd had it so blissful, then, before the fear came. Before one young woman after another, a few weeks apart, would be found, silent and drowned, in the morning light.

Some time had passed when I found I couldn't sleep one evening. I got up, bare of feet but some jewelry and in something I'm guessing is similar to a form of toga, and I quietly walked around the building. Nobody appeared to be awake, except someone quietly moving in the pool at the front. I stepped slowly into the pool, seeing one of the elders there. Thankfully, I thought: if only we always had two of us together like this, we would know we were safe. We should not be swimming alone anymore. He and I spoke quietly for awhile, as I floated on my back toward the center. He wanted to pray with me, at least I think that was it; and I felt his gentle hand on my head; and then he pushed me under. And he held me there fully underwater until my struggles finally ceased, and then my body's spasms at last-ditch efforts at survival ceased, and he released my body, spreading my arms out so it would stay face down.

I knew I was supposed to be dead. I knew that if I just turned my head a little, I could see and feel this huge sense of light-and-longing, and I should go.

But I was still furious. It didn't feel like it had when I was dying; much paler now; yet still, at least intellectually, real. It was the moral of it, damn it all, he was the last person we would ever have suspected of such evil, all my sisters were in danger, and I was so grossly offended about it that I refused to turn into the light and leave. I vowed that I would not leave that location until I saw him discovered.

Time and reality were very odd then, and not easy to remember let alone record. But I figured out how to intensely focus my attention and intention to cause small changes in the physical world I had lived in. I gave sign after sign to my sisters to point them toward him. And when I wasn't doing that, I gave signs to him as well, and he began to tremble with fear, knowing that the gods or spirits or something were on to him. And finally they began to get the suspicion. And finally they worked it out between themselves that they would test this suspicion, with a seemingly lone innocent newer girl, and just as he began his quiet but effective drowning process, they all dashed out and into the pool to save her and the bulk of them overcame him. Their cries brought the other elders and by morning, he was remanded to authorities; he would die.

I felt grimly satisfied. And then I finally let myself pray again, which I hadn't done since I had died, perhaps somewhat in anger that my prayers while being murdered hadn't worked. And I felt more than saw the warmth and light, and I let the world fall away, and melted into it.


That was the dream I remembered, which took place at the location the archeologists were digging out.

I have no idea if this place is real or where it might be.

PJ

Physics Dreams - the M

I was reading a post on a friend's blog and it reminded me of one of the cooler old tech dreams. I'm actually writing part of this dream into a novel funny enough, or a small facet of it anyway. This is one of the dreams that are ridiculously linear and detailed -- and seem much more like "sitting in on another life" than just 'a dream'.

~~

I was 'an aspect of' a man. Rather like The Four and how we work in multiple lives. I was sort-of him, but also separate. The man was an engineer but in a very advanced way, and he was an inventor.

He had invented this technology that was very cool. Basically what it did is, it 'felt out' all the 'contiguous space' of a given area at the atomic or molecular level. You could 'set' the tool to a max area and to 'find the boundaries' kind of like graphics programs do. This was the first thing it did; it could measure and then create (with an interface to a computer) a perfect 'map' of the exact 'space' inside any open object or structure.

In the example he/we gave to someone, he used the motor home that he actually lived in to demonstrate. It created a map of "the atomic space" of everything that was not "solid" (to a certain degree I don't understand now) inside the motor home. The point of the boundaries and map-borders elements was so that it didn't just go through the openings where every door closed for example, and try to map the whole parking lot, but would 'understand' that the doors/windows/floors were meant to be 'boundaries'. It would seal the boundaries if set for that.

The second thing this technology did was, and this related to its atomic or molecular measure somehow, it could project -- literally distribute, as-energy yet it was actually solid when it formed -- any (or at least many) molecular signatures. By which I mean, let's say that copper is a certain kind of molecule(s). It could 'project' copper into any 'shape' you wanted -- including into the INSIDE of things which were not open. How it did this I'm not sure. It did not actually have copper inside it. It was like it just had information on the 'signature' of copper and could project that 'in energy form'. But when the energy form was projected it manifested as the literal thing. Almost zero-point energy I guess, something from seemingly nothing.

He had sold this technology to a government contractor company that was really excited about it. They were using it to project a 'coating' into the inside of these things sort of like large ball bearings that were going to be used in a new space travel technology, as well as some military applications. His tech allowed an absolute 'coating' on the inside or outside of anything, literally so not even a molecule was uncoated (and so you could even coat something as thinly as 1-molecule-deep). I had the feeling that somehow in the ball bearing things, it actually related to a coolant-sealant use.

He was a brilliant and creative man, but a little odd and very independent and a little bit paranoid. He didn't trust the people who bought the tech for their various physics and engineering uses and he chose to live alone in his traveling motor home and work on his ideas and inventions, even though he was offered many times a full lab and staff and so forth.

The device was a few feet wide and tall. It was white, and shaped like a large "M". Except the middle was equal with the legs. /\/\ shape basically. And when he used it, he held it turned vertically and by the bottom/middle. As if it were a two-point gun, one higher one lower, where the knees or 'top' of the M became the projection-points.

He discovered when mapping human bodies (often without people's knowledge, pointing at people in parks with his device), that oddly enough, the younger the person, the more 'cohesive' their energy appeared to be (like their particles). After some experimenting with plants, he/we discovered that the combined technology of the two things it could already do, actually resulted in a third really amazing and frankly offbeat application for it.

The simplified way to say this is that it was able to 'map' all the (atoms, I think, it could be molecules but it felt like atoms at the time) in a given shape, and then map the SPACE between them (that's why I think it was molecules--atoms seems too small for that to be possible!). It was just a small variant on what it already did. That was the first half; that it mapped a given thing and its space. That was how he found that the older someone got, the more their energy seemed to wander and expand and get looser.

And then using the second thing the tech did, it would "reduce the space" between all the particles so that atomically, the structure was much more "coherent and succinct." Weirdly, this did NOT actually change the outer size, shape, or weight of a thing -- at all. It seemed exactly the same. But it DID seem to have a significant health improvement on plants. Which led to animals, and then bigger animals. Everything seemed to feel vastly better after this had been done. They were more active, seemed younger and brighter.

He realized that he could free himself from dependency on the government-related customers that he kind of feared, if he could sell this to the commercial market. He finally tried the tech on a few dying people, who were hugely improved, and then finally tried it on himself, and he couldn't believe how great it was. He felt 10 or more years younger, more energetic, brighter mentally, everything. After thinking about it, he literally believed that it made people younger in some fashion.

He went to a few celebrities that he had met incidentally in previous times and told them about what he had. He used it on himself to demonstrate, and sometimes on an animal as well. A few of them were willing to try it, and he had the feeling mostly because, since they could not SEE anything happening (I mean there were no bolts of lightning or anything!) they probably underestimated just how drastic a physical effect the tech was capable of.

But once they had tried it, they were agog, and nearly religious about promoting the tech to all their friends--in a world where youth and energy are the big things, he had something that actually seemed to improve health while having better effects than any drug and was almost a sort of 'youth' tech. He started making a whole lot of money, despite it was illegal and not official, selling treatments with this tech to people with a lot of money to spend on it.

When I translated this it came through with a lot of "graphics" symbology, but I think he actually had some himself. For example he referred to this process he used on the body as "resampling". And much like when you take a slightly fuzzy image and resample it a bit smaller in an image program, it actually improved the clarity of the borders and lines and so forth, and his ability to 'find the boundaries' of various things with the tech seemed to help that.

One day though, he realized something was wrong. He could feel it in his body, after he had given a demonstration to someone. He went back to his RV and used the device to 'read' his body and was staring at it on something a lot like a laptop. He was thinking that he was going to die. He had just done this way, way too often on himself, as part of constant demonstrations, although he wondered to himself if maybe he was kind of avoiding facing the fact that it felt good so he had taken to doing it so often "for good reasons"--but maybe, in truth, almost as a drug. He pondered the look of the details on his scan, zooming in and looking in particular at his arteries and organs. He could feel something profoundly wrong, and he could sort-of see it in the scan.

He had been resampled too much. There is a certain degree of this where eventually you start losing quality instead of gaining it, at least in his application. Maybe, he thought, there is such a thing as too LITTLE space between the particles. But he didn't think that was it, given how little newborns, whether human or animal, had. It actually seemed more like an abstract idea to him, as if his heart had been resampled so many times that it had begun to forget that it was a heart, and although it had taken the 'shape' of a heart, and it was all the right materials, that some kind of body-integrity, some kind of potential individual-intelligence of the various body parts, was being lost. As if you were altering a person's identity a little bit every time you did this--but on the body level--until eventually the body didn't know who, or in this case what, it was anymore.

He could feel that he was dying. It was slow. But he could feel it. He felt an odd sense of fatalism about it, as if the effect on his body was so profound that his body had already made peace with his mind about it, and he knew it was already so; it was just a matter of time. Minutes. Hours. Days, maybe. But not long.

He drove to an area. Sent a message to someone who could find him. Wrote up his results and conclusions in his notes so that the lesson wouldn't be learned for nothing. He laid out on the bed in his motor home and set the device to resample him one more time.

He joined me in watching his body from several feet away. We understood that his body was no longer alive. It was perfect. It looked in every way as if he were the picture of health in fact. No medical authority would be able to figure out why he died. It was if he simply 'did'. They would be forced to rule heart failure merely because obviously it stopped, but there would be no sign of why.

He thought it had been an interesting life, but it was time to go.

And then I woke up.

Those long, linear, detailed dreams always move me deeply for some reason.

PJ

Dreaming of Da Boss

This is long and boring and not that interesting so if you're busy, wander on. ;-)


About a year and a half ago, my Senior PM team at work was broken up by a major corporate/multi-company restructuring. Our semi-executive boss got 'laid off' and promptly rehired as a consultant making even more but for a different company name yet in the same general group of people, go figure. One of my coworkers went to a different part of the company to manage the tech he'd been the "main" one working on, one left, two went to a different division, and since I was the "main" one working on a semi-new product line we'd been developing that had sold so well it was becoming a company standard, I got moved with the product line into the production department, so it could be standardized.

For those of you who aren't business freaks, what this means is that one day I was doing a job that required brains and creativity and some tech knowledge, and that had a lot of flexibility for things regularly changing, and the next day somehow the allegedly same job was a "widget" job, where a standardized product with known parameters is made the same way over and over again, and I "managed" the vendors that were the lowest bidder and the editorial people who haven't yet run screaming from the position of providing you content for it. I do my best to make the role one of "facilitator" and not "red tape", as I'm anti-bureaucracy in a big way, but the fact is, solely by accident and just-the-way-things-go, it was a demotion.

I also lost a good chunk of pay with it, because they weren't willing to keep my contractor status, and instead insisted I become an employee, and a 'project manager' role in 'production' pays less than a 'senior project and product manager' role working on what we called 'the A-team' under the senior VP. The fact that part of the salary was based not on the job but on my college (which is minimal) and "the economy at my location" (in the poorest county of the poorest state in the nation, last I heard!) did not help.

Suffice to say I was kinda pissed off about this turn of events.

But I work from home in nowhere, Oklahoma, where the only local jobs are Wal*mart, fast food and a few doctor's offices. Being unemployed in this area nearly makes me hyperventilate just thinking about it. And because I am FAT, something with more deeply ingrained cultural prejudice than being a black lesbian satanist with blue hair would probably invoke, walking into another job is not really that easy. I've always gone from one job to another based on contacts I already knew, and usually took jobs because someone literally asked me to (often pleaded with me to), not because I was applying for the position. I no longer fit in the cute little Vanderbilt suits and pumps I used to wear, which is not only a disaster for my fashion life, but a real problem for first-impressions and new jobs. So I was forced to be terribly grateful for the job I had, no matter that it was now something I was over-qualified to do over 20 years ago, and that greatly ignored a whole spectrum of talent/skill benefits I can offer employers.

Hard as it was to imagine, the situation was even worse, though. One of the managers that my team (especially my boss) had really kind of avoided and rolled our eyes about, became MY BOSS.

That's right. GAH. And frankly, it was just as I feared. Her 'style' (I say to be polite) meant I did the same work three times on at least a dozen occasions early on, and usually when I had the least time. I constantly had the urge to suggest training or explain (read: lecture) to her about some basic, only to remember that she was MY boss not the other way around.

I've been in management pretty much all my adult life, usually working directly for a CEO, or a Sr. VP at least, often without a title off and on as a troubleshooter/PM, in between sliding into various mgmt roles usually to set up a new dept., arrange training, or solve some problem. Suddenly, I was... I can hardly say it...

A NUMBER.

I was one of a bazillion employees of a company that recently sold for just under 8 BILLION dollars. I worked for someone half my age (a situation I'd always been in, in reverse--usually I was the young one without a degree managing people twice my age with MBAs, so I understood her position), and she didn't know much about me, didn't want to know, and greatly preferred people working at her location not from across the country.

I would do work, and then do it again and yet again when it turned out she hadn't provided enough info up front--as if it were some secret need to know kind of thing--in such a way that it sponsored "mindless obedience" instead of any independent thought, because 'thinking' when someone is withholding context is likely to be more harm than help. Then I would do work, and then do it again and yet again when it turned out the report I spent 14 hours working on, based on her original I had to radically update with my info per her own request, I'd send it to her, after which she'd send HER original--not my revised version--to someone else, then send THEIR revisions to me to 'update' with my info 'cause gosh, guess we need to integrate these... this happened repeatedly. I wanted to scream. I wanted to stick pins in a little PJs-Boss-Voodoo-Doll.

Then there was communication. Mostly email. I would ask a question and get no response. I would ask it again and get a response that didn't even address my question. I'd ask it again, to clarify, and get a response that basically just restated what was obvious I already knew based on the question in the first place. She was incapable of hearing what I *said*; she was so "inferred" a communicator, that if you said, "Boss, the sky is blue," she would hear any number of things she "thinks that you must MEAN by that"--never what you actually SAID.

This is not that uncommon. In hypnosis and NLP one of the studies relates to the communications format that people engage in. Normally I'm a little better at dealing with this in people, but that is based greatly on physical intuition; you have to know a little about them in order to know how to say ABC when you "want them to infer" XYZ based on that. I had barely been exposed to her, and she was too busy and stressed out even to talk to me hardly at all, until I finally kind of made a big deal about how we NEEDED to communicate. (My job at a distance depends on it.) Even still, we have weekly meetings, which she actually manages to make once a month.

Early on, I really was irked about this. I didn't dislike her -- it's work, it isn't personal -- but I was really irked about the entire situation, including her role in it all.

I consider loyalty to my boss one of my primary job duties. I've always worked for people where there was a great deal of mutual respect, and a great deal of what has always motivated me is personal recognition from someone I respect--in short, the reason I'm drawn to "power behind the throne" roles in most areas of my life, is because I'm motivated by the personal relationship. This just didn't exist for me anymore.

As if that wasn't bad enough, I got to experience the cultural prejudice that the media and liberal college has indoctrinated into the entire country: a whole team of coworkers who were so convinced that anybody not in a coastal state or metro city was a hick-moron that they regularly made jokes about it in meetings. Which I would counter with a voice dripping frost, the best I can do from this distance. If we were that prejudiced against people for being a certain race or religion, they'd be sued into the ground. But it's perfectly ok to say or imply that anybody who isn't a liberal or who lives in the midwest is a blithering idiot "just because". The enormity of this stupidity is just ridiculous. In a San Francisco-area company, the bias was everywhere. I'm a California girl. I could excuse myself. But it's the moral of it already. Prejudice is gross no matter what it's about.

***

I was no longer a daily leader in some kind of entrepreneurial enterprise, dedicated to my company's vision and the support of my boss and coworkers and employees and vendors/ contractors. Now I was just a distant number in a huge conglomerate, buried by bureaucracy and unfamiliarity and at the mercy of coworkers who knew nothing of me and a boss who didn't even care.

My job is my survival instinct. I get more psychic about my job situation when there is any threat to it, than any other area of my life. To the point of completely freaking out people I work with. It's my combat zone, I guess.


***


Early on, just at the peak of my early despair about all this, I had a fairly intense dream.

In the dream, my boss and I were great friends. The dream bounced between two time frames. One was some years in the future, when we were very close. The other was a psychic thing in the present.

I found myself at her house, which somehow was a martial arts dojo. We set ourselves up to see who was going to win this little competition. I was clearly winning. She regrouped and we went at it again. This time it was a little more equal, but she was still losing. She stepped back, and a man I knew was her husband came up to us. He put his hands on her from behind, and talked to her softly, and "focused and grounded her." And then she was a tough opponent. I could see how she was definitely 'grounded' and her focus improved by him, and finally she had become an equal.

And then we shifted back to some indefinite point in the future, when I understood that we had become wonderfully good friends, one of the few women friends I'd ever had that I got genuinely close to.

Turns out her husband is a martial arts sensei. Like many in that situation, they live in a part of a building that houses their dojo. So maybe some of that wasn't entirely imagination!

But wait, talk about coincidence. She herself has a black belt -- in the not super common form of karate (Gojo Ryu) that just happens to be the only kind available in my locale, thanks to a local expert, and is the one my daughter is actively studying. She trained with the son of its founder. Small world, or what?


***


I decided to trust my intuition. If my dreams say that she and I are super compatible, that we will be close in the future, and that if she focuses herself she is an equal opponent, then I will go with that, afford her whatever respect I can based on her position and this dream-based hope, and trust that things will improve.

She has grown on me.

I don't have to do things quite as repetitively now. And thanks to insisting on communicating regularly, by IM if nothing else, we now know each other a little better. We met briefly earlier this year, though I barely saw her. Now I am more likely to say something about it, or even (mildly) complain.

But for about a year and a half, since all that shift happened, I've been different at work. Depressed. Totally lacking ambition. I just did my job and logged out. Didn't do any more than I had to. From a person who voluntarily worked over 100 hrs/wk for about 20 years, simply because I am always so driven by creative ideas, proactive behavior and troubleshooting inclinations, this is a pretty big deal. It was like a different person. "Who wants to volunteer?" she would ask our team. I would silently take one step back. I didn't care. I'm a fucking number. Any moron with half a clue could do this job. 'Why should I care'.

***

Several days ago, something inside me shifted. I have no idea what. I just woke up and suddenly, I was the person I've always been about work. I looked forward to getting to it, because I had so many things I knew needed to be done and I wanted to accomplish. I looked at our documentation. PATHETIC! I started greatly improving the shared web area we use for that. I looked at that web area. PATHETIC! I started adding handy links and things like that to it. I looked at the documentation for my product line. Which, by the way, I was supposed to do a better job on eons ago and didn't give a damn enough to really work hard on. Astounded by how I could not have cared, I've spent a few days working like 8am to 2am, with just a couple breaks of about 2 hours each, including making that much-needed documentation, training manuals for editorial, and more. By this weekend, hopefully, I will be fully "caught up" for the first time in probably 18 months, and will actually FEEL glad for my job, interested in my job, and "on the ball."

I don't know why. I'm pretty damn happy that some part of me finally returned home, though.

I imagine my boss is too, LOL.

Meanwhile, the last two weeks -- and maybe this is it, frankly, damn, until I wrote that I had not considered this.

I'm one of those people whom stress actually holds together. I excel in situations that destroy other people, probably because most of my childhood was training for it. Calm, easy, no-stress jobs, even temp gigs I had when not in a regular position, make me profoundly depressed. I thrive on challenge and demand.

Well the last two weeks have been the most demanding since all that job shift happened.

For example, before that shift happened, at our national sales meeting, I slept one hour a night for eight nights straight, working frantically on a million problems and products that were emergency situations. The last three sales meetings, I literally had no work for about a week before until about a week after. Whole days without a single email. I was no longer solving problems. I'm in production now. I just shuffle widgets through a pre-defined path over and over. Until the last couple weeks, when my coworker with whom I share disciplines/projects is out on vacation (getting married) so I'm doing both our work, and the new term brought more problems than ever, and somehow our customers and sales forgot tech support existed and keep showing up in OUR inboxes begging for help on stuff, and so I've been busier than... well, busier than I have been since the days when I felt like I had a real job.

Maybe that's what finally woke me up again.

***

So the other day I dreamed. I dreamed that I was hanging out with my boss. She was really stressed out about a lot of stuff, much of which I had not heard about. I was consoling her and telling her she needed to be kinder to herself. I pointed out the many aspects of her life that were obviously very challenging. Some of which are impossible outside the dream world--such as that I was her roommate LOL! (Maybe that was a translation. ;-)) In my dream, there was a japanese shoji lamp, tall, but broken off short, empty and without light. (In my house, I have one that has no light, but is not otherwise broken.) I interpret that as hers though, for some reason. The fact that she had this broken light seemed significant. But I stuck with her until I felt she had her strength back, and was grounded, and ready to face the day again.

When I woke up I thought, well, I feel closer to her again suddenly. Like we are a team. Like some of the 'loyalty-to-boss' that is always engrained in me, has come out a bit. I felt the 'psychic counseling and kinship' was probably true on some level.

So will we be buddies someday? I don't know. We get along fine by phone, but I don't really understand her from a distance. Maybe not even from up close.

She has an intriguing face. She looks a little bit like that man who played on the show "The Pretender." I'm not sure what nationality that is. Something from one of the former Russian provinces I'm guessing. She has an 11 year old girl, just like I do -- and twin boys, about 5 or so.

I guess we'll see.

***

Geez. That reminds me. I had some dream this morning that my daughter had absorbed a twin in the womb. In the dream there was some consequence of this; I could feel teeth growing out of her lower torso, can't remember if it was front or back, but I 'understood' that this was somehow related to some problem she was having. Weird!


Speaking of karate and the kid, by the way. For the 18 months her dad lived here, she picked up his interesting 'habit'. I am working during the period when I have to take her to it, as my biz is on pacific time and we're 2 hours ahead. I have to take off work to do it and work a little after (my lunch hour+ is getting her from school and errands. So technically I'm working-or-something from 8am until 8pm most days.) The habit goes like this:

Mom reminds that karate is coming in a few hours. Reminds again that it's a couple hours. And then an hour. And then half an hour please get ready NOW. And then 15 minutes. And then either mom goes to grab purse and run out the door -- and kid is not REMOTELY ready, often hasn't even begun dressing, or is pretending to be asleep --or, mom is totally busy with work details, and nobody says anything at all about the time they KNOW we are supposed to leave, and mom finishes some business thing in time to realize it's 20 minutes after leaving-time, nobody said a word conveniently, so either we miss it again, or I use gas and time plus disrespect the dojo by being late, all for 10 minutes of workout... so we don't go.

After nearly two years of this, last week I freaked out. Had an official Hissy Fit. I didn't want to do some punishment that made her associate something bad with karate. So instead I said she was supposed to be responsible enough to go, and it is only two nights a week, and I had even let her choose the night. But. If she blows it and doesn't get ready on time, then she will do karate every single night that week, as "practice" for the discipline she must be lacking. If she wants to do karate LESS, she needs to be BETTER about doing it at all. This is a funny true corollary to adult life actually. I figured, worst-case, she'd be really good at karate!

She has now gone for nearly two solid weeks.

Today she brought up the subject of going every night. I thought she was going to plead for a break. Instead she said,

"If I go every night for the next two weeks as well, will you consider putting me in private lessons one night a week and the regular class the other night a week?"

She says she is serious about wanting to get better. More time in it, apparently just focused her more on it.

I've probably created a monster. ;-)

The Immortal

I went to bed early. I meditated a bit first. I got this awesome Creative 30G Zen player -- like a video iPod but better -- so I put on my favorite meditation music (the Narnia soundtrack) and finally got into it.

I had a different urge than I ever had before, and spent some time imagining myself in/at the very core of the earth, which had a sort of offbeat feeling, can't remember why. I fell asleep in the middle of that.

When I woke up this morning I was 20,000 leagues under the sea it felt like. I'd slept more than I usually do, but it took about six attempts over half an hour, including shaking and light, for someone else to get me awake.

I had this two-part dream.

In the first part, I was working with a group of people who weren't my people -- I mean they weren't human. We were doing a research study and I was one of the key subjects, but they were treating me like a coworker as well, and we were reviewing the research results.

It had to do with human experience with their species. We had a fairly large trial pool of subjects, of which I had been one prior to my current place reviewing results with them. We explored the data. It was clear that although nearly-all the humans were having the interaction with their people, only a super tiny percentage (like less than 1%) were able to become cognitively aware of this. The reasons ranged from health to psychology issues, but the general consensus we had was that although the humans considered this awareness to be a form of insanity or related to it anyway, that it was in fact evidence of a good deal more physical and psychological 'clarity' on the humans' part who were able to be 'aware' of it.

The second part of the study had to do with the frequency of exposure. This was the part that really threw me for a loop. They showed how on average in 24 hours, humans passed through a sort of... you might call it a cycle, kind of like how brainwaves cycle except this is more like a larger earth cycle we are just part of, but that does interact with our minds -- and we were exposed to them generally about four times during each 24 hour period. This kind of amazed me. I was saying, but I thought this was something that only happened when we were asleep, or walking through the woods ha-ha-ha, are you sure? FOUR times per 24 hours?! So they sort of showed me (though I can't put it in words) how and why this was the case. I know I'm translating it badly, but it felt like something to do with four cardinal points and our brainwaves and the rotation of the earth.

Then we reviewed how the 'awareness' of the population and the 'frequency' of the interaction varied with many of the subjects. For example, even of those humans able to become 'aware' of the 'during-sleep' exposure to their species, just as low a % of them were able to be aware of the occasional exposure that happened at periods other than sleep. The very few who did, usually psychologically were associating their experience with something like a place -- for example, the route they drove every day, they would think they were being abducted from their car or something, when really, everyone was exposed "on this other level of consciousness" and for them the cycle just happened to fall during their long drive.

We also explored how some people thought they had an exposure to their species as a one-time thing, and it wasn't that it was a one-time thing, it was just that for a variety of reasons (often health, psychology, the cycle, the type of experience, whatever) they were only aware of that one particular experience and none of the others. Something to do with what % of a person's overall attention they turn toward that level of themselves vs. having it (as is normal) split, and so much less intense.

Oh yeah that reminds me, another factor was that the four cycles weren't the same for everyone. Even though it was a larger earth-based 'pattern of cycle', it related to the individual's interaction with that on an energetic level, so people varied "when" and sometimes how often (more or less) depending on their own cycles.

Then there was this second part of the dream.

I was working with this group of people who weren't my people -- but I don't know if it was the same group as the first time, I'm just assuming so -- doing a lot more complex stuff. It was a combination of testing (them testing me), and experimenting with what I could do, perceive, etc. as a conscious test subject.

Then just about everything was completed, and the room changed into a bedroom, and they said, "We can tie you, if you like." They acted like this was a good idea and I should agree. For what, I asked? For The Immortal, they say. It came across with that word and the sense of a capital. The Immortal was 'superior' to them in their perception, like part of a different species with a higher authority you might say.

I said naw, I'll talk to him, casual as I always am. So he comes in the room, and I nearly pass out. I don't know why, but he terrified me. He was at least three times as big as me, although now awake I think that might have been not his body but his aura. He was almost the archetypal 'demon' image of our culture, and reminded me greatly of what a close friend of mine told me he has seen in his viewing and 'experiences', which I assured him I had never encountered, despite all my many alien-ish experiences. He had some kind of spiky-things on his shoulders and too-small bat-wing things. And he was ugly. But it wasn't the body; I wasn't really responding to that, I was just 'observing' it. It was the energy that freaked me out. It was so "intense," and so "large". So frightening to me.

The energy of an Archangel is frightening too of course, on a really deep level of mortal terror, but that is the fear of God, it is fright based on 'awe' and the soul's realization that too close exposure could do the equivalent of vaporize you. This was not that kind of fright, but still seemed like the gut-inspired sort.

I found myself on the bed naked (this will teach me to wear pajamas to bed, ha!) and I realized as he came toward me that the intent was that he was going to have sex with me. I leaped off the bed and went, I DON'T THINK SO YOU GUYS! He stopped, and looked at the others with me. One of the guys pulled out a sheet of paper and said, "See, you agreed to work with us on this." I said dude, sex with your freaky Immortal was NOT what I agreed to! A female there said to me, "Oh come on. You had to know from the beginning that this was intended at the end!" I looked at her like she was crazy. "I think not!" I denied. "Maybe I was stupid or inattentive, but I never agreed to this, and there is NO WAY I am merging with that -- that -- thing!"

Oddly enough, it wasn't the sex part that bothered me -- it was the understanding that it would merge my ENERGY with his that was really upsetting me. It was like it was rape. I mean even if I had agreed to it, it would have been rape, that is the 'effect' the energy would have on me, in a really severe way.

Suddenly I realized why they had offered to tie me. They'd hoped I'd say yes. And I'd been so oblivious. Here I'd spent a whole day studying research about how oblivious humans were -- and then promptly proved it in my own way.

Then the 'context' of the dream shifted, and instead of me being in the situation, I was watching a woman in a movie. But some little part of my mind was 'aware' that this was still me, and that this 'movie effect' was in fact one way they had of dealing with my species. They couldn't keep some of us from being aware. But they could kind of lean on us to "shift perspective," in much the same way that a therapist can have someone "imagine" seeing a past traumatic experience on a television instead of re-experiencing it personally.

It didn't help them. Despite that I had this strong sense from the others that I was supposed to be *flattered* this 'Immortal' wanted to merge with me, I considered his energy a direct threat to mine... as if the experience would genuinely do me harm spiritually.

I half-realized (not entirely lucid on this, only partly) that this was a new and novel approach to me. They keep coming back and trying to convince me to join them or sign something, but usually they are more direct. I usually find myself in dreams standing with my legs staunch, like a captain on board a ship, shouting loud like a magical cadence, I AM OF MICHAEL! YOU CANNOT HAVE ME! I AM OF MICHAEL! over and over, and they have to leave me, obviously ticked off about how innately I snap to that the minute awareness of their attempt to get my commitment became clear.

This was novel though, because I didn't have that response this time, maybe because of the different way they approached it this time. They never asked for my agreement on the level they wanted, they'd only asked for something I was willing to do because I'm so interested in research, and I think they hoped that the merge of energy, if I could be persuaded to it, would in turn make me a lot more susceptible.

I was being woke up as I was refusing, and it was pulling me away from them. It felt like they were trying to hold me there, and my body was having such a hard time waking up, but then I'd be forcibly woken up again, until finally I woke up fully, and at least as far as I know, pulled myself away from them in the process.

The overall experience particularly with the 'research' initially really underscored how our concept that these things have to be physical on *our* level is just so, so wrong. It's just as real, but culturally we are geared to deny anything non-physical. At times I've had the impression this is one of many cultural things they themselves 'encourage' in our species for their own ends.

Later when awake, I was kind of disappointed I hadn't responded like I normally do. As if it is a sign of my having paid so much less attention to Michael and prayer for some time. Time to re-affirm that part of my life.

When I finally woke up, I thought to myself, "Like they have nothing better to do but recruit you during your sleep. Like you are so important. Get over yourself, sheesh!" and I threw on a dress and took the kid to school.

It's just another day.
.

Making Space for Probability

I know, I've been away from my blog longer than ever before. I was getting an attitude adjustment, mostly by getting a life. I am feeling a bit better now.

The hard part about not writing for so long is deciding what to talk about when I return. There were several amazing dreams I wanted to share, but the time has passed, and now it seems silly to bore you with them. A couple of spontaneous psi events, but they seem like trivia now. And several great meditations, but now they just seem embarrassing. If I blog on a timely basis I think everything is interesting. If I wait, I feel like my psyche is just a string of beads, with every bead being some trivial event. Like the alien dreams where one is just 'here' and then 'there' with no in-between, life seems more like that in retrospect.

I think I'll just mention one of the dreams, because it repeats a 'theme' that I find really fascinating.

The dream later felt like a story created for me, more than the other types of dreams I have. I was in a multi-story building with many friends whom I don't currently know. We were at war with another group of people, and they had a monster, like a giant who looked bizarre, and we were trying to make the big house a fortress of sorts. A man we knew well came to visit us, and began telling us the most fascinating story. It was so fascinating that we just stood there, enthralled, as he spun it out. And when he was done, he stepped aside and we realized that he was working for the bad guys -- and while we were all distracted, his people had let in the monster. Everybody scrambled in different directions, as it lumbered into the big room where we were.

I started to panic. What can I do?! I thought desperately.

And then I saw Nero. Remember Nero? I see him more often now, in meditations; this is the first time I've ever seen him in a dream. (And I might be inventing that it was him, but I feel more sure all the time that it was.) He was standing calmly in the center of the room, as if he had appeared just to answer my question.

"There is always a doorway out," he said. "Always. You have to look for it while holding yourself in a state of faith -- a suspension of disbelief -- you have to accept that it IS there, in order to create the space for that probability to come through." I tried to do this, imagining that something would fall in front of the monster to slow him down at the same time some opening would come for me, and I told myself to believe it and feel happily-optimistic that "it could happen!" and sure enough, it happened. Later, in a different situation on a high floor with bad guys closing in on me, I found myself in panic again, and Nero appeared and reminded me. He talked me through it, until the situation had a break and I found a way out.

This situation repeated, each time unique, like 100 times in the dream. When I woke up, it felt much like the 'dream school' I wrote about in 1994-5 on CompuServe, except I had no guide help there. But it felt like a sort of training.

I've always felt that reality was the true test. That the ability to find one's way out of reality problems and into positive opportunities was the real measure of how well a person was doing with incorporation that Sethian kind of philosophy into their real life.

Anyway.

LD and I were talking about how forcing something novel into your day is the best way of manifesting stuff, because the 'patterns' we live in are such ruts. If you want some opportunity to arrive, force novelty.

On that note, I've worked 40 years worth of working-hours in the last 20 years of my life. In that time, I've had count them TWO vacations. One for a week, one for two. Well I am taking another vacation! I am heading up to a mountain in Colorado to take a break from my life. I intend to just sit around and read (finish the Wheel of Time series, and the Black Jewels trilogy) and crochet and view and meditate. The things I never have time to do. I have a nice room in a B&B with a wonderful innkeeper I hope will tell me stories of her life while I crochet -- get this, she's spent much of her life as a genuine shipwreck treasure hunter! -- and a bath and electric fireplace in the room... ah, I can hardly wait. I leave the 17th and will be back the 4th, although four days of that is travel time. I am driving to another city to the airport, taking a small plane to a big city, staying in a hotel overnight, and taking a train the next morning, one for 4-5 hours and then a delay of a few more hours and then 24 hours on the next one--I got a 'roomette' for the 24hr part of the to/from journey, so I can lay on a bunk and read. That's right, I just want to lay around and do NOTHING to the extent possible.

And view. I have been off viewing for a little while now, in my avoidance of the entire subject, and I miss it so much, it's like a drug of the spirit calling me home. So I'll be taking several tasks with me. Any of y'all who are experienced viewers (so know tasking) who want to send a target with me, set it up at the offsite tasker's form at TKR (login here and click the middle box for 'offsite tasking' before submit) and make it so it has feedback after 11/20 and email me the link or post it here. I won't look at the link till I've done the session obviously. If you're nice I'll share the session with ya. Preferably something with feedback ok! I have enough esoteria right now.

OK, I'm off. I promise to blog more regularly now!

Red

July is almost over.

Saturn is now out of retrograde. Hallelujiah.

Haven't been able to meditate worth a darn. Every time I start I either end up in a daydream or asleep. Will try again tonight.

I've also been really lazy about using any method -- experimental or standard -- for my last week of RV. Not sure why. I am probably being p/a for some reason. Need to do more short exercises to shake it out of me.

Had a bizarre dream that Cassandra Frost was sucking up to Ingo Swann and all the efforts Joe and I were making (in the dream) to do something publicly good for RV and viewers were eventually greatly negated by some negative public thing done by CF. This struck me as funny when I woke up, since I had not been thinking of she or Swann at all in eons so it was a bit out of the blue.

(In a funny sync, I just finished writing that paragraph, and switched windows to add the feedback to a session before I forgot and so I could link to it here in my next paragraph -- and saw a note on the dojo chatmat that CF had entered. No clue who CF is. I don't even look at the users, I ceased to have a clue like 3400 people ago who anybody might be. But it's like it's haunting me lol.)

Finished the starlight session. Really sucked! Didn't feel any sense of contact, so even when I had it, I was so busy fighting the data lest it be aol, that I trashed my own session. I resisted the boat aol SO beautifully ... The awful result is here. (Unreadable, as well.) Ah well. You win some, you lose some. I've been working with LD as tasker fairly regularly and it's getting harder to come up with sessions for him and others and starlight and TKR and now...

Radical RV officially opened today and the first task opens tomorrow the 31st. This is a small viewer group for non-/limited-feedback tasks. My friends and I joke it's the one place where all our sessions will be amazingly accurate hahaha. Two tasks a week. Everyone gets to task. 1 session per six weeks required. We use TKR's tools for posting sessions. We want to keep it small but I'm up for a few more people joining if anybody's interested.

I've been working on TKR stuff each night after work. Trying to finish some "offsite tasker" features designed to make viewer-groups in Yahoo far more fun and less bother, and some baby-bot, simplified versions of Taskerbot, so people can task themselves (mix it up), task friends, do 'tandem' practice, etc. My laptop died and I get sick of sitting in my chair so many hours so I'm doing less all the sudden. Maybe in the 2 weeks while it's getting warranty-replaced, I will finish the Wheel of Time series. I quit reading in early book 8. Need to finish up to 11 and the prequel so I can send them off to someone else, am trying to keep my house in minimalist mode and get rid of stuff.

Speaking of which, my birthday is Sep 14, and I know that no matter what I say sometimes people online will send me stuff, which is incredibly sweet. I'm trying so hard to keep stuff out of my house I recommend JellyBelly jellybeans. No puns about the size of my butt, now. They're yummy and unlike chocolate they don't melt in Oklahoma's indian summers, and most importantly, they do NOT take up room in my house. Unless you are counting my girth. But let's not. Please.

Meanwhile, Joe McMoneagle is finally using his blog (here) regularly, the last couple days and the next couple days he'll be posting. I'm encouraging people to comment, to encourage him to realize someone is paying attention. You know if we can ever get this guy talking more about RV, it'll be invaluable; there is more stuff in his head than most the entire field has available combined everywhere else. (He's a nice guy, too; you'd like him if you knew him.)

Well, Rykah is demanding I come do something with her before sleep. Yeah, she's up late as usual. I hope that this school year I can vastly "regulate" the whole eating sleeping schedule for her, I think it would help her so much, not to mention the issue of my sanity. For now, she is waiting on math practice and some hangman games, so I gotta go. Hell hath no fury like a 9 year old ignored.

Dark Energy, maybe

A bit over an hour ago I woke up for work. I'm taking a break to write this down before I forget any more of it.

I dreamed about (of all people) Tom Cruise. I can't imagine why. I haven't even seen a media reference to him in some time so it's not like anything on my mind.

I dreamed that it was the future and he had a little girl who was about four, four and a half years old, and a wife. He had this place he lived sometimes that was a big plot of land, kind of ranch-like where there's tons of space, had a feel like it was "out of the way" of the coasts (maybe midwest).

He was outside in a rather more remote area of it, with his little girl, his wife either inside the house or somewhere else, when his little girl disappeared. Literally just, she was there one minute and there was nobody and nothing around but a couple minutes later he realized she was gone. He started searching and then got all freaked out and called someone to help search and before you know it, the whole world knows that his kid has disappeared and there's search parties everywhere.

Time passes. Eventually, they find a body. They aren't sure it's hers, so the world is in suspense while they're running some kind of check. Finally, the news announces it: the girl's body had been found, she was dead. It appeared someone had kind of been stalking TC's celebrity identity and had the opportunity and nabbed her.

I found myself there with TC as if I were some kind of spirit guide. His grief was so keen. He had such guilt about it as well, about her being taken while he was right there. His wife also was terribly grieving about it, more than him in ways that make sense for a mother. I "observed" her. There was another woman there, with light hair, who had come when they found the body. She reminded me of TC's ex wife, the actress NK who honestly always struck me as cold somehow, she just has that look I suppose. I'm not sure if it was her or just someone I got the cold vibe from.

She hung around as a 'counselor' for T's wife, seeming a saint for making such efforts to be with her and so on. But really, she was wicked. She was constantly, subtly implicating T in the event, constantly trying to drive a wedge between T and his wife who had enough issues just resulting from the situation.

When I finally woke up, I felt such a genuine sadness. I haven't had a bad dream in awhile. I don't know why I would have one like this, or what psychology, aside from typical today's-world, mothers-worries sorts, would bring that symbology to me. I hope there is no hint of reality in it and it is just symbolic dreaming.

The feel as if I were some kind of guide though, is just like the feel I've had in other-lives memories when a different aspect of me is dominant. In those lives they are the primary-identity and I'm like a close guide. Why I would feel as if I had that relation to TC is utterly beyond me. Not to mention that I'm certainly hoping to be fully in the flesh when his daughter reaches that age. (!)

Anyway. I got set up for work and read my email and my Warder wrote saying he'd had this very unusual "dark dream." I wonder if there is some shared energy there.

Go figure.

Day by Day

Mundania is such a chore. When I have time, I spend it doing very little, and when I don't have time, which is 99.9% of the time (no pun intended), I'm trying to stuff far too much into it, sleeping too little, breathing too little, moving too little, sitting at my computer. Some days I think if I didn't consume food there would be no visible sign that I am alive.

A friend says, "And what are you teaching your child by this workaholism, dedicated to working days for money and nights and weekends for RV and having no time for yourself?" I said, "To marry well."

I went back to the tower last night but didn't really feel capable of dealing with the wall of fear and eventually I left. Then I had a dream last night I do think relates to my issues with the new aspects and internal changes, symbolically. The only part I remember was:

I was in this room like a library, which had a big bookshelf built half-into the wall up to the ceiling. My sense of the room and shelf was that it had a lot to do with what I believe. About... I don't know. Myself, my reality, whatever. The books had that "I know this, I have knowledge, I feel safe!" vibe to them. I was at the very top of the shelf, by the ceiling, standing on the top shelf. I had the sense that I was standing on all these books because they were "my foundation."

Then it started to almost-topple, and I frantically grabbed something like ceiling molding and looked down, and it turned out there was this guy... he was literally like sort of "built into" the wall and shelf. He was trying to break out from being locked in stillness, to be free, but every time he moved, my entire structure of shelving and books starting going chaotic and I had to clutch the ceiling to keep from toppling. I looked at him and I could see that literally, his head held up one of the main shelves like a support beam. There was just no way that he could get clear without my entire structure collapsing in a big mess, and me falling to the floor with it. He could see what was happening, and he didn't want to make me fall, but he did want to be free. I realized that he was going to get that way, and I was going to have to find a way to deal with the inevitable collapse.

Dealing with fundamental things, belief systems, and accepting change... a part of me trying to break out of being held in stillness, to be "free" of all that "knowledge" and that fairly rigid structure of archived information... well it seems like it pertains to my life to me.

I've been working, and doing TKR at night... the only time I have to view, I'm sleep deprived, it's so unfair. (I know... belief systems... my reality has issues.) On the bright side, I hope with real effort I will finish all my work this weekend, and should have the new TKR software in beta by next week with a little luck.

I have always laughed at people going on about mercury being retrograde but for some reason in this particular cycle, I feel as if I can literally feel it. I'm sure I am imagining it. Still. Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything just seems so damned hard. Every little thing.

Movie Dreams

I had the funniest "movie dream" early this morning.

My dreams are so silly! But they are a lot of fun anyway. I like the ones that are "whole linear experiences" like this one.

He was a friend of mine from another world. (He looked like Kevin Spacey, bald, who plays the bad guy in the current Superman movie, but who was a good guy in my dream.)

"I have to go back. I have to tell them that we're asleep, and totally under control," he said with grief for his people. Somehow, by "waking up," and by ... climbing out when no authorities were around to stop him, he had made it to my world.

He should have been home free, but he couldn't stand it. To me it seemed rather pointless---who would believe?---but he was determined. I shrugged, accepting that perhaps this was his destiny, and he concentrated, and a big hole opened in the floor of my house (which somehow, was at the top of a many-storied building), and I could see through this big square opening down into what seemed a whole 'nuther world of little tiny people.

He had a piece of paper in his hand which he wadded up into a ball and he jumped in---but as he did, this bizarre wind caught me and took me with him. At first it kind of scared me, but then I accepted it, realizing there was nothing I could do. We fell slowly, shrinking as we did, and finally landed (surprisingly softly to me) on the ground, which was a cement courtyard type area of this little world.

Then we saw the piece of paper, which by now seemed the size of a giant ball 3 stories high coming right down on top of us but more slowly, and we took off running to the side to get out of its way. As the paper ball gently hit the ground and rolled a bit there was shouting, and some kind of 'authorities' came running to investigate the ball. We hurriedly got out of the way, making our way out of the courtyard and following some path into what seemed a large hallway.

The large hallway turned out to be a street. But the street was a bit narrow, and there were apartment-like housing stacked several (around 5) stories high, and then the buildings on each side ended in some kind of roof or ceiling that went across the street, as well, so the whole area was enclosed. I didn't like it much, as it was immediately apparent there was no way out except through the openings at the far sides of the street. It was almost like this whole world was "one thin layer." (I've had that impression before of "frequencies which operate as a whole reality." But I wasn't aware of that in the dream.)

We walked the street acting casual. The people didn't look any different to me than people of my own world. There was music playing from somewhere, as if piped into this neighborhood. It was a song from my own world, and yet an old one, and I wondered if it was possible that there was some interaction between our worlds; like, how would they get our songs? It was some insipidly pop 80's tune, and my friend kind of groaned. Apparently this upbeat song--- which, surreally, seemed to actually BE making all the people on the street seem "upbeat"--- was to my friend an announcement of something else.

The human traffic on the street all began going one way at each end, and we were forced to walk a little faster ("upbeat!") until we were out of that "neighborhood" and all around a courtyard on this end of it, looking just like it had on the other side, were something like desks. Like a big library sort of. Except each desk looked like it was a dark-tinted lucite, a glass effect but not glass, and was small, and a person sat down at a stool by it but instead of doing something on the desk, they actually looked "into" it. It appeared that the people were choosing movies to watch, in some great enthusiasm, and I had the feeling that "every night was movie night" here.

My friend was starting to look like he was panicking. He was standing almost frozen at one side, me next to him, as the other people milled about choosing their movies from tall spinning racks. It didn't look like the rack actually held a movie; just some kind of picture-card. A man in a suit appeared, and somehow I knew he was "one of the movie librarians" and he said to us, "And what will you be watching tonight?" I started to say it didn't matter, but then realized everybody else was excited about choosing a movie, and acting casual might make me look suspicious. My friend was still sort of stuck as if in nervousness so I said, "Oh, we wanted to watch this one!" and I grabbed the closest item to me and handed it to the librarian.

"Movie-Visa," he said, casually but expectantly. I froze. I thought maybe this part was what my friend had been scared about. "Ah... we forgot them!" I said with the most charming grin I could manage. The man was totally silent, looking at us speculatively, and I knew that we had made him suspicious. He said, "Well we'll let it pass tonight, but bring it tomorrow." I sighed in relief, and we followed him as he walked toward two empty desks. My friend had the look, though, that this wasn't ok; that we'd probably got ourselves in big trouble, maybe? I wasn't sure.

We sat down at the desks. I could see into mine quite literally; it was very dark tinted, but I could see that each desk was literally, totally open inside, and that the ground under the desk didn't exist, as if the whole thing were a shell and whatever happened, was 'beamed' up from underneath or something. The man pressed a button on both of the desks and said calmly, "These two have forgotten their visa." He said it casually, but with a tone that told me that this had a major significance to whomever he was speaking to. A few seconds later, I saw dimly that inside my desk, someone had come up underneath -- literally it was as if the 'ground' were just lower than head-height to a level underneath, and the head of a man popped up down inside the desk, dim but visible to me behind the tinted lucite-like surface. Except it wasn't a man, it was an alien creature that looked a great deal like a Klingon. I wondered if all the people here knew that their movie equipment was being run by bad tempered aliens. Somehow I doubted it.

Something finished, the guy ducked out from the inside of my desk and I could see, appeared in my friend's. A few seconds later he disappeared from there, and it was time for our movies. I can't remember what it was that we were watching, but it seemed a harmless, happy enough movie to me. I leaned over the desk, watching as it began.

I could feel that there was something more. I could feel that there was something that was tracking the very detail of my eye movement, and I had this vague memory of my "other life" where this was a real laser technology. (What I couldn't bring to mind during the dream was that it was the mind-control tech in the movie "Looker" with Susan Dey. As a coincidence, I am pretty sure (not 100%) that the guy who invented that laser tech, or had some leading role in it anyway, is the guy who founded the IRVA. Of course, the idea that it is used for mind control is purely movie paranoia! One assumes.)

I could feel that somehow, my "reaction" to stuff in the movie was being recorded, as if by some computer that could interpret so much about my mind and body through this, that I was being "read" like a book. I had the feeling that there was something "extra" in my desk due to the guy who'd done something, that was specific to my allegedly having forgotten my movie-visa. I had the feeling, as much a psychic sense as anything, that they were attempting to "track our patterns" to match with their database to see who we were.

But I watched the whole movie with no incident. I was very unusually "moved" by it though, especially given it seemed a lighthearted fun movie. I felt as if on some level, it just downright touched my soul. Weirdly, I felt as if my friend had been in the movie, and yet with me, and that we had interacted with each other "in the movie world," and my response to our "relationship" in the movie seemed far more powerful than any response I had to the movie itself. I wasn't sure how this was possible, and I was musing about it when two people walking quickly, a man and a woman, passed us in the street-hall. She was crying, and he was angry and it was very clear that they were feeling this way about each other, and that the movie "relationship" had caused this.

My friend watched them, still quiet---he had been so quiet since we arrived!---and I felt, from the look on his face, that this was the core of everything. That this was how his whole world was controlled, why they were "asleep" as he put it. I had the feeling that the movies could cause one person to be completely ostracized by their tiny society in the hallways which seemed to hold about 100 tiny apartments each. I had the feeling that two or more people could be made to feel any way about each other, depending on "the controllers" and their plans. I had the feeling that anybody who was not happy would be made happy, or would find themselves in a movie that maybe seemed to go on for years of terrifying imprisonment. It suddenly occurred to me that my friend might have feared the movie would make me lost to him, or hate him or something, and that he was trying fiercely not to care, knowing that he might have to abandon me at any moment for his own survival.

We were walking down the big hallway and everybody was disappearing into the buildings on either side. We didn't have a house, and pretty soon that was going to be apparent, I realized, and we would stand out to the authorities. I wondered how on earth my friend ever hoped to get through to his people. I had the impression that he hoped to get into the "underworld," the one just beneath his, where the movie technology was. I wasn't sure he had any plan at all beyond that one. We were nearly the only people on the street now, and I felt almost naked, as the street was long and straight with no place to hide. One of the guys in uniform that I considered an authority casually strolled into the end of the street from one of the courtyards, and on seeing us, appeared to know us. I realized that we were in deep trouble...

...but just then, I woke up.

Poor guy. I hope I didn't leave him there alone. Or maybe some part of me is still there, hoping for Soul Retrieval? LOL.

Psychic Families

A dream:

I met a man who had been (and/or was, but I think 'had been') a viewer in 'the program' (US gov't program). I had never known of him, and was very surprised to discover his role there and meet him. I saw him so clearly visually, it was just mind boggling! He had dark hair, and he was a really big guy.

There was a woman who had grown up feeling like an orphan, and then it turned out he was her father. But later, more than once I heard myself saying to somebody, "My uncle was part of that program. What are the odds?!"

I kept going back around him, and he acted like he couldn't decide if he was really happy to meet me, or felt weird about it for some reason I wasn't clear on.

At one point, he picked up a couple offbeat things in his hand. I felt that one was fire and one was wind, somehow, yet they were objects. He began walking off (to go use them). I realized that they were used as a prop during psi, in a sort of negative RI kind of way. He realized that I realized, and he looked at me sadly, like that wasn't who he wanted to be, and yet was.

I saw that a friend was online. I was in the TKR forum yet somehow there was a chat right on the front of it, too. I tried to tell him how this guy turned out to be related to me, how he was an expert viewer, how amazing and weird it all was, but every time I tried to type something to him, bizarre symbols came out instead of letters... so I couldn't communicate.

I found that I was staying (living) with this man, who was going to have some hand in working with me (on psi). But it was a bit of a rude surprise, as first thing, he actually expected me to get up in the morning and exercise! --- which I protested greatly, as I saw no relation to RV for this. It turned out he could be quite the dominating bellowing bully when he chose to be. Grouchily, I prepared to get out of bed and exercise.

And then I woke up. Heh.

I suppose my mind is making up some symbols to relate to my change of focus, or something.

{note posted much later: that 'identity' in the dream, an archmed later named as 'Ben'.}

Tides of the Dark

He was a calm man. He traveled up and down staircases in my dream, investigating different levels. He looked an ordinary man; decently distinguished, though dressed in black, much as priests do. I expect my recent reading helped shape his symbolic image. He had a trustworthy face, a kind face, reminding me vaguely of actor Tom Hanks in a current movie; that certain boyishness that some men never lose.

It was only coincidence; we happened to share a brief path of travel. The stairs; the tides. I suspect this was a sign of 'cycles', the tides, my symbolism. I saw that his calm footsteps away from one level were in fact an escape. Confusion and darkened chaos filled the place where he left, but never suspected his role.

There was a young boy, who had scraped the top of his toes somehow. It always began this way, I understood; only boys, only that age group. The left foot, I noted to myself in my dream. The left foot and ankle in biogram relate to homosexuality, among other things. This is a symbol: the child has been injured by this energy. More than injured, of course.

I don't know why I dream of such things.

Fundamental Dreams

My dreams have sure been offbeat lately. Had "normal" dreams last night, by which I mean, nothing cosmic-sized or mind bending, just stuff that is probably archetypal, symbolic, and representing some fundamental stuff in me.

I was in a world like this, a feeling of future. Many people were... no more. Some official entity was sort of moving people across the continent in trucks and trains and more. Some woman told me she heard they were putting people in these clothes that had this long nearly unbreakable cord around the neck of it and that they were hung up by this later; stupid scary stories, I scoffed. Later they came and handed out these heavy cotten baggy overshirts, an ugly light blue, with impossibly long thick tie-strings around the neck. The woman looked so mournful.

So I escaped, and I was moving in the same direction they were, as we had to escape some bizarre geology process. I was trying to stay out of getting captured; there were so many people involved nobody really knew I was an escapee because I guess it didn't occur to them, the authorities were 'helping' people, people weren't arguing about that. I hitched rides in (and on) trucks and trains and jeeps and more.

Every time it would seem like we had enough time, I would hear this odd sound, and smell this odd smell, a sort of burning steam that reminded me vaguely of the smell in a gym 'sauna' room and a sound sort of like a 'muffled rumble-hiss'. And I would look around and run over to where it was coming from to see, and actual magma would be breaking through the ground in that place, usually just a few inches of strip, sometimes a few feet. This was not a volcano. I mean, this was ordinary land. But I understood that somehow, magma was starting to come through the land, come up through normal ground like water coming through seams in a badly sealed boat, and that's why everybody was moving, was to stay ahead of it, stay safe. And I would keep moving on.

I figure this dream must suggest that something fundamental is going on with me (the ground), and potentially that subconscious or deeper stuff is coming to the surface. Not good or bad, just weird when it takes on dream imagery.

The Dark and Fiery Coup

It might have been because midday yesterday I read a neat book written by an online friend: his accounts of some of the psychic exploration he's done the last decade. It might be because I didn't get enough sleep. It might be because I'm a drama queen. Honestly, I don't normally consider myself concerned with what any Dark Overlord of the Astral might be doing. But I had this rather intense (though half-asleep) dreamish- "realization" in the dark this morning, as if it was something major it was important I be aware of:

It's a tremendous coup. Tremendous. It's taken a lot of 'time' in our world, to plan and to pull off, but now it is done, and it has succeeded. There is much gloating.

There is much about, knowing that this will change things, to be more in their favor than they've ever been. They see the darkness at the end of the tunnel, you might say: the devolutionary spiritual doom of humanity. They've finally put the dynamic in place to compensate for humanity's 'unfairly positive' (they feel) momentum: it is done. It is only a matter of time; they estimate less than a decade, now, with this added component.

The (angry, as always) laughter is because they did it within the rules. The rules that have 'unfairly' (they feel) bound them so long: and so, action cannot be taken against them for it. Not until it is time, and this will serve them well until then, and might even help when the time comes.

They did not create any new creature-- as forbidden. They did not manifest their own in our physical frequency-- as forbidden. The genetic line already existed: a natural part of this localized cosmic ecosystem.

The creatures are a type of Elemental, of the nature of Fire. They are fast and vivid; they have intense feeding, intense breeding, and a fairly short lifespan as such creatures go. But that is because their energy source has been limited; it has maintained the equilibrium of their numbers within their sphere of existence.

Who can complain about what was done?--the creatures were gifted: their operating frequency was enlarged. That's evolution, after all; to them, a fabulous thing has happened. Their species has been slightly ... modified.

They previously spanned a tiny range of frequency just outside humanity's primary energy envelope. Now, they just slightly overlap frequency with the primary energy signature of a human being.

They used to perceive us only indirectly; they watched the bright glow of humans just outside the range of their reality. They would have reached out for that massive, moving source of energy, the ultimate buffet, but we were not of their world, and they not of ours.

But that has changed now. Just a little; just at the edge; something humans will not be aware of, will not physically directly perceive, and would not be allowed to take seriously anyway. The little fire creatures will breed rapidly and without limit, now that they have a free food source.

The humans encountering them will feel drained; they will feel irritated; their physical immunity will lower and their spiritual focus, if they're not paying attention to maintaining it, will weaken. The effect will grow literally by the day, as more creatures breed and more humans are affected. The fire-creature numbers and effect will eventually push humanity over the edge of its luck, and it will implode, politically, physically, and spiritually.

And all this was done within the rules. A positive evolution was 'suggested' to an innately-local lifeform, and they were assisted in evolution. There is nothing in the rules preventing that.

It is perhaps the most deviously brilliant military strategic success in the timeline of this eons-long jihad.

It's time to wake up.