The Coalition Rocks Me Out

I've been putting off posting about this since it happened, since it makes sense to me subjectively but I think it'll make me sound like an idiot to everybody else. Heh. Like that would be new for this blog, right...

The last year I've had some truly amazing meditations. Many of them relate to what I've called 'The Four' since 1994 when 'awareness' of that kicked in. An oversimplistic way to explain The Four would be to say that I realized I am part of a deeper/larger identity. Its "primary components" are four identities (all living in different realities), one of which is what I know of as me.

I know 1994-2006 is a long time, but this concept was honestly so hard for me to get a grip on, just because it was so outside my belief systems, that I haven't progressed nearly as fast with it as I do most things in meditation. Earlier this year, I finally accepted it... I thought I had, but realized when it finally DID happen, that I had only JUST totally taken it in.

Shortly following that, I was introduced to what I semi-humorously dubbed The Coalition (also sometimes called the Consortium). It was a whole group of identities -- my mind seems to vary this from 16 to 32 -- a few of which I can see clearly (one is Nero, whom I've mentioned previously in this blog), but most of which I can't, which in my meditations means I am not sufficiently integrated with them.

I was so resistant to this expansion on the concept that even in the meditations, I clung to the chest of my mate of The Four like an intensely shy child, unwilling to open myself to that. It took many attempts before I could even begin to approach the idea with 'meeting' them and shaking their hand, never mind any kind of integration attempt. They are not the same as The Four. We are like the core, in a way. They are more like... an "extension" of that core; a larger pattern, which The Four are simply the central part of.


How this applies to my daily life, I can't tell you. I have no freakin idea what value any of this weird junk might have or not have. It just "is what it is." I don't know what most of it means. I don't know if it's some bizarre creativity, some sublimated form of insanity, some allegory for more practical things. Who knows, seriously. Long ago I learned to just take this kind of thing at face value as it happened, and not try to assign too many assumptions to things or fit them into what others talk about.


Recently, I got really into this new music from a group called Evanescence that I hadn't heard before. Although their album 'Fallen' is overproduced and a bit corporate rock in flavor, still I'm crazy about it. (I can give FTP info for friends who want to grab the MP3s.)

Early on while listening to this I decided to slip into a meditation (in the Tower, a part of my inner space that showed up [I didn't consciously create it, but was directed there by my Senior of The Four]) which was fairly novel, doing a meditation to something akin to hard rock, as I normally have soundtracks or something soft on. But the emotion/power that the music invoked in me, which has always been a major element in driving my meditations, must have been just right -- maybe that's why I had the sudden urge to do it -- and I actually succeeded in the first stage of truly allowing integration of The Coalition. Which is actually another way of just saying, working on my consciously accepting them. It isn't totally complete, but passed a major barrier.

It was just neat music before this. After this meditation, though, I think part of me just flipped out. It was as if I could FEEL that somehow, my primary energetic-body extended several feet farther outside me than is normal. Now I am not normally aware of it to begin with, so I don't know how I could be aware that it was many feet larger in diameter than normal, but that was my perception. I felt "denser inside" -- as if the energy of me was greater, and more "condensed".

The interesting thing is that, like the four, it's all "part of me." It isn't like I have this sense that these 'other' identities 'over there' are present. It's that I just "feel aware of a larger diversity of self inside". And it isn't like the diversity is new, that is the important thing. It is like this has ALWAYS been part of me, and I am simply becoming 'aware' of it whereas I never was before.

Since this recent meditation when I felt I finally integrated with them at the first level, for the first real time, and felt as if my energetic body was so much more thick and solid and larger, I've had a major personal shift in focus. Major.

Everything in my life literally faded into partly transparent behind a sudden obsessive interest in music. In singing, playing, songwriting, listening. Everything. Viewing, webwork, writing, all the things that are important to me, just dropped into near invisibility behind a passion for music.

The ironic thing is that music was my entire LIFE from 5th grade on, and especially from age 15 on. From age 5 I intended to do that as my 'life' and living. From age 18 on it was a major dichotomy that I wanted to do my music, but wanted to keep my 'responsible' job-life because that's what made my dad proud. The conflict internally was massive. Hours every day for years and years on music, it was my life.

In my early 20s, 22-24, I took a couple years to really focus on hypnosis and such, self-therapy I knew I needed. Between my work and school schedule, I had no time for anything. I wrote jazz songs in the car acapella, commuting 4.5 hours a day mostly on the 405 in Los Angeles... if anything could make a person insane...! During that period I gained a really sudden and major amount of weight, which in retrospect is not all that surprising. By the time I came home a couple years later, I was horrified, having been so sleep deprived and stressed out I was kind of half-oblivious about it while it happened. I went on a formal 'diet' to the extreme. And, because it turns out I am genetically very sensitive to carbohydrates and intolerant to gluten, a typical diet composed of high-carb and whole grains did nothing but make me gain more weight and feel lousy. (Most people are clueless about the things that really make people fat. It isn't nearly as much about calories as about how your body reacts to what you eat, at least in some people's case.) Half the women in my family are huge and have spent many decades chronically dieting to little result.

After just barely getting over the urge to put a bullet in my head over how this annihilated all my music plans, because I wouldn't get on stage anymore (I didn't want to leave the house, let alone go to the mall, let alone perform!), I finally decided to accept it rather like someone who'd lost a limb in a car accident or something, and move on with the life it left me. I became a workaholic in a major way, and I pretty much put a hard suppression on the whole music thing that had rushed through me like a river up until then. I couldn't do it halfway. I can't do anything halfway. So it had to just cease entirely. That was what, 17 years ago. A lifetime.

So recently (13 weeks ago) I went on lowcarb, and have been very steadily losing weight. It's just stupid how I could have not known about this 17 years ago. Talk about giving up your life for ignorance. The minute I quit eating stuff I was mildly allergic to and dropped my carb intake, the weight just started falling off. It will be a long time before I'm anything like the weight I want to be, mind you, but it's a start. And I suppose it's possible that this part of why I am digging into psychology that I haven't touched in a long, long time.

I'm obsessed. With music. For the last... ten days, I have done almost nothing but listen to music, and sing a little, and as of yesterday when I finally got one of my guitars cleaned up and re-strung, playing. No webwork. No viewing. No writing. Almost no communications with friends even. I don't even visit my web own projects except like once a week for 2 minutes. Everything, but everything, just suddenly became... well not unimportant, but "unimportant within the larger scheme of things." And the only thing that feels important in that larger picture of me is music.

And I think it's The Coalition's fault. I think this is essentially the much larger picture of what I am inside, and that my hard suppression of music was partly a suppression of energies they are composed of -- and when I accepted that into me and it "came into manifestation" as part of me, all those parts of me I'd buried were there again. As intense as they were when I buried them. Like a suppressed memory that when it comes back, is as strong as if it just happened... this like a suppressed drive-focus that is as strong as it was when locked away.

Of course, after 17 years of not playing or singing, I suck. :-) This doesn't really bother me. Music was always my primary talent, and I'm sure I can pick it up again.

Why I would want to even bother picking it up again at age 41 is beyond me. That's way too old to do anything with it really; particularly for women, the industry is geared to youth. But even if it's nothing more than fun, than local coffeehouses and street singing at some point, even if I don't pursue it the way I intended when young, I don't think it would be possible for me to suppress this again. I'm just going to have to trust that if this is what I really need at the moment, that I'll let it carry me forward and expect that there will be some value to it, even if only health and state of mind.

17 years ago I gave my dad my Fender amp and 'loaned' him back the old original Les Paul signature guitar he gave me for my 18th birthday (it had been his guitar) and all the other various music equipment I had, save for three other guitars (Goya 6 string [division of Martin, not as nice as Martin but good tone, dreadnought]; Degas spanish flattop, and Takemine 12 string). He uses the Paul for some of his gigs (he's C&W, the one kind of music I am not, ironically-- he plays steel too, and vocals, but specializes in lead guitar and chet-atkins style) so I don't want to take that back yet. So yesterday I went online to Musician's Friend and bought a decent iBeam acoustic pickup, a little Roland 30W cube amp, a decent Sennheiser vocal mike and stand, and some misc. things. Cost too much money but there you go, I'm obsessed and broke -- a real musician, HAHA.

Two things I found I'm dying for now but won't be able to afford for a long time: A Dean 12 string bass -- you can play guitar as well as bass on it, it looks awesome -- and a 'pocket' trumpet, shortened length, over-wound more like a french horn, looks SO cool. OK, my trumpet playing even at its height sounded like a camel in heat I admit, but trumpet is the best and fastest vocal warmup on earth.

Long ago when the world was young, I played acoustic rock -- this combines lead and rythym and finger picking in one approach, so you can try and express the larger potential of a song in a solo acoustic performance -- it'll be awhile before I can do much I figure, I can't even remember my own songs (I had *hundreds* of them -- I remember a few, that's all). I managed to remember most of the simple finger-picking songs I used for tuning for years (you know, the guitar basics -- blackbird, dust in the wind, blue finger, classical gas, etc.) although my clarity sucks. (At one point I bellowed in disgust, "Oh my GOD. My FINGERS are FAT!" sending my husband in the other room into peals of laughter. I was too grouchy to see the humor until later...)

But there it is. I've abruptly dropped everything else I've been involved in for years, and I totally don't care about much of anything anymore except my kid, my music, and my job. I assume that since Remote Viewing is so much a part of my life the last dozen years, that this will come back in once the initial obsession with music mellows a little, but who knows?

Gotta get back to work here.
.

The I's Have It

I was thinking to myself about how I've been going through this phase where my eyes and brain both keep 'unfocusing and diffusing', constantly. Driving me nuts. It occurred to me that my "I's" keep unfocusing and diffusing... maybe that is really what it means.

I was signing a check for my kid's karate dojo today and I realized that for a long time now I have the oddest habit: I keep forgetting the "I" in my last name (Gaenir). Literally, I handwrite it, and then I have to go back in and forcibly insert the I into the name, where it doesn't have enough room really. I thought that LD would probably say that this summed up my life pretty well: "not making room for the I."

o0o

I did a session that was two, short, 'sitting in walmart parking lot' illegible piecess, which are often the only kind I get in. I love describing sessions in retrospect, soon enough that hopefully memory hasn't torqued it to inventing, but late enough that feedback allows the tons of "contextual, below-verbal" levels of info to add into the description for much more sense.

1} There were these little glowy balls that were floating around all over the place in the air, and then suddenly there was this mass interruption and everything went to "static-and-black". It looked as if I'd been watching, with my face just inside the screen so it was all I saw, a 3D TV documentary on these things, and then someone yanked the cable and a second later the plug. Very much a "sudden radical interruption". It was pretty novel.

2} There was something physical that had two kinda flat shapes, horizontally placed, parallel with one above the other, and they were connected to each other only at one end, by this space that was between them and slightly inward from the end. (I sketched this. Twice. Badly.)

3} There was this shape, I couldn't tell what it was, but there was a part of it that was very specifically "peeled away" on the corner, rather like in illustrations where they show you a part of something 'peeled away' to show you what is underneath. I didn't feel the point was what was under, but rather the "peeling off of an outer layer."

4} I saw something facing me that had a bunch of small shapes in a horizontal row, but there was this "swollen thickness" around them that later I wished I'd written down as a sort of "glow" but at the time, I just sketched, badly like everything else, my sketching really needs work darn it.

5} I had a combination of senses hard to articulate that I had to render as AOLs through no choice. A sense like a catapult, throwing one thing high and far; a sense like some kind of forced-air-machine, like whatever was being thrown wasn't really solid.

6} I also had several feelings that suggested the physical thing connected near one end was kinda like a teeter totter, or the finger-side of a clamp at the connected end; a strong feeling like, "You push this side down, and the other side goes up."

I was thrown off because right off at the beginning of the session I got this overwhelming sense of a whole bunch of tall parallel shapes. This nearly always means trees. I also had data with no FB and/or wrong, that seemed to me kinda like a rough edged truncated tree trunk, but I wasn't sure if that was a 'symbol' (of 'rough surface' and 'truncated') or if it was literal. And I had other data that is either no FB or just totally off, and I fell asleep once and nearly did a few times, despite the supershort scribbling 2-part session. I may be hopeless if I can't make more decent time for the art, sheesh!

One interesting thing is in the my last several sessions I've had this experience near the end where it's like, I get *so much data* that it's impossible to fathom or articulate. It's like I'm just aware of this giant glob of tons of stuff all at once, and sometimes I am sort of aware of some tiny aspect or six, but it's all moving so fast, there is just no way. I had it on the prayer ribbons target recently, and on the mcqueen session recently, and again on this one.

Anyway the task was from LD who does most of my tasking that isn't from group efforts or my envelope pool, and it was this novel technology, a Reich orgone cloud buster as it's called, and his intent was describe how it worked. I've no idea if I fulfilled that but it was a fun session anyway. Of course, the disaster of my raw sessions vs. the decent form I can put them in if I have time prior to FB is always a little distressing but oh well. The messy truth is here.

o0o

Last night I sat looking at Dor's talisman. It's been hanging on the little shelf by my bed for a couple days. I felt if he wasn't going to be more proactive with me, and I just don't feel him (maybe this is my ignorance, but still!) that I see no reason to feed him my energy. It is a symbiote relationship but if I don't get my part that'd make him a parasite and not to be over personal but at this moment in my life I think I have enough of those and I'm just not in the mood damn it. So I took off his talisman and hung it up and I have looked at it grumpily but refused to wear it, though I never took it off since I got it. Today I gave in and put it back on, feeling like maybe I was blaming him for my own BS.

Soooo.... as usual, my only time to do anything of interest today was about 15 minutes in the car, while Lu shopped. At this rate someday I'll be on Geraldo talking about "How I found omniscience in the Walmart parking lot." (Just kidding.)

It was TIME to do a meditation. I tuned into my sacred space and then wondered where I was. I often appear in different places and usually I figure that is a form of self communication too. I was way the heck away from the castle, I was over in the space where I began all this years ago, the plateau.

In fact, ironically I never noticed this until not long ago, but my "sacred space" that I made for myself a dozen years ago looks slightly like part of the background pic of this blog. It's a super high "plateau," one of those funky desert looking things, and when I look down the back, way down there is a meandering river. Down the front there is a cage elevator that gets me down to the ground, then there is a small cornfield, and I go through that and then a little clearing and a cave.

I go into the cave and in a ways, there is a tiny creek that goes under the ground just before the entrance. I walk beside the creek until I reach a tiny stone bridge that is one of those little shallow arch footbridges that leads across. Just on the other side, a few steps from the bridge, is a big stone archway that is a doorway out of the cave.

When I exit it, I'm in a different 'inner' reality. I turn right and walk alongside a tiny field, then left and go across it. In the center I reach a big tree, with some little white benches around it, where my inner guide waits. I trace it back exactly to return.

At one point I built a tiny 'pavilion' for the 'four elementals of soul' (3 and me, or "the 4") that was way off to the right of where my armchair sits on the plateau. It was lovely, mostly open, with columns, and on its own little plateau surrounded by sky. Then one day I came in and it had grown massively into this whole castle that was over on the longer, main plateau, way off to the right. This was early this year when these meditations were so autonomous and profound... there's just no putting it in words.

There was a huge walled garden extending about 1/8 of a mile off to the left. Inside the garden there is a really long thin pool-like shape (shallow like a fountain) that goes all the way through it, and inside this at the bottom is a colorfully tiled DNA helix. Don't ask me why. The '4' of DNA is about the only correlation I can make there.

Anyway, on the other side of the garden stairs up to the castle proper. In the middle of the castle on the top level is a roof and that is usually where I appear of late, on the other side of it. The sunsets are quite lovely there and far, far off in the distance, I can see what I am suspicious are dragons flying near the high mountains. There is a big river that goes by the other side of the castle.

In the middle of the castle is a winding square staircase that leads up to a big circular room with a giant symbol (dunno what yet) on the floor, and they call this room the 'tower'. Even though it isn't taller than the rest of the castle and isn't a typical tower. Which is where the Senior (the top of 'the 4') has me come to work with 'the consortium'... the next ring of identities involved in my larger soul. Or... something.

That was way more boring stuff than anybody wanted to know. Moving on.

o0o

I decided prior to going to the tower, where I am way overdue I know, I need to do an archmed on this weird "de-focussed" effect I've had lately. I have really had a hard time lately, haven't meditated in quite some time, and the last time I tried literally everything was semi-opaque, distant and unreal. This seemed ok, not as good as usual but ok. It improved as I went on. So I got to IG, and realized it'd been awhile, and I hugged him --

--and then realized, or understood, that I have actually been avoiding meditation because of my response to him. I had no idea consciously. The last few times I've seen him I have noticed more and more that he is not human, and despite that on that inner world, entities can be anything, all my guides have been human until him. Each time I have seen him he seems to get a little bit more... um... amphibian. The last time I saw him I really noticed the small open gills on him, the spots on him, and his eyes seemed more black, and his skin more... rubbery sorta. A part of me pulls back in semi-repulsion from this, even though the more dominant, conscious me, insists on finding it novel and ignoring that.

"So I was avoiding you," I say, "realizing" that HE has given me this realization when I hugged him. He nods. "I'm so sorry," I say. "Please. I remember when I first met you I couldn't even see you. I know it's like a denial. Please don't go less visible on me last time. I can't stand it. I truly want you to be YOU, whatever you are. I want to know you, in your most natural form."

"Are you sure?" he says. Suddenly a bit unnerved, I stammer, "Yeah, sure!"

He turns into this huge creature that is probably 20 feet high, looks sort of like a frog/toad but also like something else I can't even name, and he sits there and looks down at me.

"Um." I say, struggling to be polite and to keep my word. "So. Um. This is the real you! Wow. That's. Um. That's really... really interesting!"

He sat there and looked at me. I stood there and looked at him. Silence.

"SOooooo," I say, knowing that he KNOWS whatever is inside me, so pretending anything is just SO beyond stupid, "Are you more comfortable in that form than you are in the humanoid form you usually wear with me?" I could only hope not.

"It doesn't matter to me," he says.

I nearly breathed a sigh of relief. Good. I would not be morally obligated to interact with that form then. "Well then... nothing personal but I would really prefer you in a humanoid form," I said apologetically. It's not you!" I assured him hastily, "It's me, you know, I'm simple, easily scared, and I just relate more to species closer to mine." Heh. Nice save. Almost.

Back in his humanoid form, looking rather like an overpale Trill from Star Trek (ok, with small gills as well as spots, lol) he waits for me.

I feel so guilty. I mean, he is part of me. I know he is part of me. I love him, he has done so much for me, he is so wise and brilliant and -- and WTF kind of spiritual path makes your wise inner self a giant alien-amphibian frog-like creature? How come other people get little pink Jesuses and typical Buddha or Native sorts, and I get totally freaky things?!

I felt sort of... I dunno. Not really ashamed of myself, not a bad-guilt feeling, more like a sorry-I'm-not-more-evolved feeling. Like, "Yeah, be who you are!--er, as long as you're like me."

o0o

I tell IG I want to work with an archetype that somehow relates to this weird defocussing of late, and I add for good measure "and that will do me the most good from the med in the limited time I have for it." I close my eyes, turn around, and open them to the arch. For an instant I nearly see something, and then --

-- I see this panel, like a solid object about 2.5 feet wide, 4 feet tall, and about 2 inches thick, vertical flat-facing me, with a horizontal bar running right through the middle of it, and it is spinning slowly on the bar.

I just stand there looking at it like an idiot for a bit. It is always offputting to me when my archetype is an object instead of something I can talk to and I always end up talking to the archetype as if there is an invisible person standing next to it that is actually the 'real' archetype and whatever I see is just some projection.

I watch it spin. I'm asking myself, what does this mean? Should it be spinning, or not? What should I be doing here to interact? I ask it, "what do I do?" and it moves toward me and so I let it merge into me, and I become that funky flat shape slowly, irregularly spinning.

I feel myself defocus. Yes, this is it... feels rather like that. Slightly dizzy. Losing track of what is around. I force myself, now the object, to stop and be vertical, and I think at a space next to us where I imagine something easier for me to imagine having a consciousness is standing.

"So... it's that I'm... um... spinning?" I ask. The shape of us changes, and the bar changes, and then there is a small ball in the middle, like a large ball-bearing, that somehow has its own elevated, stable nature, and now I am spinning in every direction, like one of those triple-ring things they use in the space program and they have at fairs. "Whoa..." I say, and I 'sense' that I'm starting to feel some info now.

One thing is that I feel it's relevent that in order for this spinning to happen I have had to completely lose track of my 'center' feeling. "So I need to... focus on my center," I say, thinking this sure was a lot of trouble to go through only to be told something that even I, dim as I am some days, could have told myself.

I felt something change, and suddenly I was moving all over, and various walls and things around me I was in danger of running into, and some were moving toward me, literal chaos ensued until I forced myself not only to hold the center but to hold an 'awareness' of where everything else was and "keep it equidistant from me" so that I could remain in the center.

"Ah," I say slowly, starting to get it. "So it isn't just about centering myself. It's also about maintaining an awareness of what is around me, because that is a big part of truly centering myself. When I tune out of what is around me--just like defocusing my eyes--I also lose the needed awareness for maintaining my own center--the I." That seemed sorta right. I don't think I totally got this accurately but it was the best I could do.

And then I'm sorry to say that I forget the rest. I do think I ended it but I can't remember. Lu scared me when he opened the door, I yelped loudly, and the last of it fell out of my head.

o0o

Later tonight I went down to see IG and I hugged him, and I asked him to take his real form and I flew up to gently lay on top of his giant head to rest on him. He was kinda slimy. Apparently psychic amphibians are slightly icky too. He warned me but as I landed I said, so what... I'll take a psychic shower. And I laid on him and told him I loved him and I was sorry for being so reactive earlier.

I hope this weekend to get some more 'serious' meditation done esp. in the Tower.

The Glass Tower

Well I felt pretty weird all that night but by the next morning, couldn't really find any trace of the 'NewMe' as I'd been calling it.

Well, maybe I am in some fashion different, but it's subtle enough that it doesn't matter.

It did get me wondering about personalities though. Like, author Jane Roberts who channeled Seth, who said at one point that she was an aspect of him basically, well Seth always perceived her more as "Rupert," some personality she had been a century previous I think, even though he said that we live many, many lives. Now I have to wonder, how come he was focused on Jane, yet he perceived Rupert more?

So I got thinking, you know, to simplify this, let us say that you had ten different personalities (ten different lives). Let us say that someone is perceiving more about your soul, more like "the conglomerate of you."

Might it be that the one most likely to come through "most strongly" out of all your personalities, is the one(s) that for whatever reason was "most AWARE"? Generally to me, it seems like awareness relates to the amount of one's fuller-self one is aware of in the moment. So you might say that even though those ten personalities all spring from the same pool of consciousness, that one of them might be 'larger' -- encompasses a larger % of that pool than the others do.

And so, if you looked at Jane (or Steve), even though you were focused on them, if you were perceiving them at some soul-level instead of just the surface, might you get more of the personality-of-soul that is most aware? Which might be another identity?

In this regard, I'm not trying to invent a reason for RV data to match, I'm just trying to understand how my mind works and why things came through like that.

Moving on.

So I did a session last night, first impression was animal and I pushed that aside. My mind proceeded to give me info I would NOT reject. I figure, that this did not relate to the target was my own fault...

I decided to meditate awhile before doing more. I get to my space and remember, grudgingly, that the Senior says I'm to come to the tower more often. I go as if to go there but find myself where I usually prefer to go, out on the top of the castle, looking off one corner toward the distant mountains. Stet usually shows up there. But then all these other people from the tower started showing up, half a dozen, all male. Nero was there.

It was apparent they were following me, since I wouldn't go into the tower... just didn't feel like it.

So then suddenly, this guy, like a workman, walks by carrying this gigantic sheet of glass. I did like a triple-take. This is not the kind of thing that generally happens in your 'sacred space' so to speak. He's one of the guys from the tower, I sense. I say, "What are you doing?!" And he says, "Why, carrying glass!" (doh!)

He does something then, right there in the middle of the open space where I hang out, and after awhile of activity I can't quite make out for purpose or detail, he steps back and I see it.

It penetrates the stone that is the roof of the castle I'm standing on. I couldn't believe it could do that. Then my eyes follow it up and I see it is a really tall, thin, pointed shape made of glass.

I just stand there, trying to figure out what this means. Then hits me: It's A GLASS TOWER. Heh. A tower! Coincidence?? I wonder if my not going in the tower, and some tower aspects coming out to me, relates to the fact that a glass tower just got stuck in my roof and is now sticking way up in the sky.

I look around at them. They look at me. I say, "I have NO IDEA what this means." Nobody volunteers anything.

Aggravated and clueless, I decided to skip the meditation, or more viewing, and just go to sleep, so I did.

Day by Day

Mundania is such a chore. When I have time, I spend it doing very little, and when I don't have time, which is 99.9% of the time (no pun intended), I'm trying to stuff far too much into it, sleeping too little, breathing too little, moving too little, sitting at my computer. Some days I think if I didn't consume food there would be no visible sign that I am alive.

A friend says, "And what are you teaching your child by this workaholism, dedicated to working days for money and nights and weekends for RV and having no time for yourself?" I said, "To marry well."

I went back to the tower last night but didn't really feel capable of dealing with the wall of fear and eventually I left. Then I had a dream last night I do think relates to my issues with the new aspects and internal changes, symbolically. The only part I remember was:

I was in this room like a library, which had a big bookshelf built half-into the wall up to the ceiling. My sense of the room and shelf was that it had a lot to do with what I believe. About... I don't know. Myself, my reality, whatever. The books had that "I know this, I have knowledge, I feel safe!" vibe to them. I was at the very top of the shelf, by the ceiling, standing on the top shelf. I had the sense that I was standing on all these books because they were "my foundation."

Then it started to almost-topple, and I frantically grabbed something like ceiling molding and looked down, and it turned out there was this guy... he was literally like sort of "built into" the wall and shelf. He was trying to break out from being locked in stillness, to be free, but every time he moved, my entire structure of shelving and books starting going chaotic and I had to clutch the ceiling to keep from toppling. I looked at him and I could see that literally, his head held up one of the main shelves like a support beam. There was just no way that he could get clear without my entire structure collapsing in a big mess, and me falling to the floor with it. He could see what was happening, and he didn't want to make me fall, but he did want to be free. I realized that he was going to get that way, and I was going to have to find a way to deal with the inevitable collapse.

Dealing with fundamental things, belief systems, and accepting change... a part of me trying to break out of being held in stillness, to be "free" of all that "knowledge" and that fairly rigid structure of archived information... well it seems like it pertains to my life to me.

I've been working, and doing TKR at night... the only time I have to view, I'm sleep deprived, it's so unfair. (I know... belief systems... my reality has issues.) On the bright side, I hope with real effort I will finish all my work this weekend, and should have the new TKR software in beta by next week with a little luck.

I have always laughed at people going on about mercury being retrograde but for some reason in this particular cycle, I feel as if I can literally feel it. I'm sure I am imagining it. Still. Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything just seems so damned hard. Every little thing.

The Wall of Fear

The Senior had told me to come to the Tower regularly. But every time I show up, with all those new people ("aspects" or whatever) there, I respond so weirdly. The first few times I was insanely shy, and literally had this feeling of curling up like a kid against one of the Four. Earlier and then again tonight I went to the tower, everybody was there of course, and I realized that what I feel is outright fear. It comes in waves and spots and bombs depending on who I'm looking at.

Last night I had the bright idea that I would attempt to integrate a little (again, it clearly needs far more work) with each of the other aspects. Nero was there and I haven't seen him since whenever I mentioned him last, except "there" peripherally. So I decided to start with him. I faced him, and even him, I just felt extreme "turbulent" fear with, despite that I know he is cool.

My sense was that all these new aspects as a total package are like... hmmn. I used to call the four elementals of soul, "the linoleum theory," like how you look down at some tile and each four create a whole pattern, but then each of the four are linked in different positions into several other 4-patterns, too. Plus, of course, larger patterns. Well it is like maybe I got "the next ring out," like say 16 or whatever, more tiles all around us. I know that all those identities are part of me and when I am able to accept them, and basically "extend myself through them" in doing so, there will be some benefit to this, more power, more identity, more whatever it is that we think is evolutionary. For whatever reason I am having a difficult time with that apparently.

I had such a problem with Nero---I was completely incapable of merging with him at all---that I asked him and my inner guide (who I called to me for the occasion) and they both said sure, I can work in the tower, with these parts of me, just like I work with archetypes. So I laid him out on a medical table and looked at him, knowing there would be something up since I was having such issues with him.

I kept finding these big, kind of heavy-metal pieces of stuff in him, like formed stainless steel pieces of some structure or object that had gotten somehow half-deep into him. I would take each of them out gently, dissolve them and dump them into the waste grill under my feet to be washed out of the body. I turned him over and finally, the last major visible issue was this really big heavy all-metal knife that was in his back but down toward the lower right side a bit. I worked carefully on getting it out of him without pain, and then decided when I breathed and counted to 3 I would totally "let go of the part of myself that is that knife" and transmute the now-seems-separate energy into gold light at the same time. To my astonishment when I did this, it was a totally body-rocking amazing rush of buzzing energy. So... I guess it did SOME good.

Then tonight I went back to the tower and this time really paid attention. I decided that I have to deal with all this fear. I believe I'm having some offbeat side effects in my reality as a result of it in really fundamental areas of life I don't want to screw with (like my job). So I went back, and let myself feel whatever came to me. The amount and variety of fear was just ridiculous.

I asked the other three of me for help and finally the senior put his hand into my heart and I felt that I had the strength to deal with it because I AM, autonomously, and all is me, and I command. Then "she" put her fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through great love, and compassion, and nobility, and infinite flexibility. And then my mate put his fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through sheer courage and skill and toughness. Then I merged with him, and the other two together, and then all into one.

I found myself crying to them that when they left me before (long ago, not on this blog, when they were each "sacrificed," died in my inner world in a deep dream, and I did not see them for a long time after that) I was utterly bereft, and I begged them to please, never ever leave me again. I could feel that somehow my fear with all the others had at least a little relation to my fear about losing The Four.

So I had to figure out how to deal with all the fear which was just too much at once. Recalling an ancient dream where a friend of mine had "a whole jungle" of dark spiky stuff held in "stasis" in a big, endlessly deep blue pool, I decided that this might be the route. I would create a thoughtform to "hold the fear-energy in stasis," and then I would see if I could move it outside me into this thoughtform. Then I could see it. Not sure why but it seemed important that I see it, that it not be just some hidden feeling, but that I could objectify it.

So I imagined a big clear box that would hold the energy, and I went through myself, looking at the various people, letting the waves of fear come in and then imagining gathering all that energy up together and pushing it into the stasis-box, where it would be held safely for me. I had to do this for awhile, on all six sides of this clear cube. Finally I felt that most of my primary fear had been projected into this thoughtform-box and I could now step back and consider it.

There was way too much for the box; it had a real density/intensity as a result. So I imagined that it spread out into a maybe 12" thick whole 'wall' of clear stasis-container. Imagine if a fish tank were floor to ceiling, an entire wall, and about a foot deep, it looked like that. And all the energy was "roiling"---that word came to mind---inside. There were a zillion shades and textures and densities and more.

I found myself just left of center, looking at this yellow-red area and somehow I "knew" that this was the fear related to cowardice. I thought that was curious, given the yellow and wondered if that human association had some good reason for the color it turns out. I walked to the right a little and, like a wall-sized spectrum, it blended into light orange-red, that was a sort of fear of self expression (I associated this with 'creative fear'). Onward to dark orange-red and it became fear that linked into the core of my ego (my 'focus personality' as Seth would put it).

When it reached bright red-red the fear was merely outright terror: no association, no shading, nothing but fear itself (and maybe fear-of-fear). I continued walking to the right and looking into the clear wall, and the energy, still 'roiling' everywhere of course, turned into a sort of red-blue. It felt literally like this was a sort of conscious-"ouchie" bruise sort of fear, like hurt feelings and fear related to things like my looks or my social status and things like that. This blended gradually into a dark, red-purple area of hues, which felt like "deep old wounds" that had never healed, like fear resulting from things that somehow had caused my heart great injury over time. I was at the far wall now, so I turned and walked back to just left of center where I began.

Looking at the yellow-red, I went left then, and the colors shaded into a sort of light muddy red-brown and then darker and darker brown. I felt that this was fear that was filled with biological toxins, essentially fear that if properly vented would be a flu-style bathroom experience, and although all the other shades so far, I had felt were variants on fear-energy, this felt literally like "trash-toxin," something that was not really any energy that needed to be redeemed, but rather, something that just flat-out needed to be vented out of me.

Moving farther to the left, the brown shaded into actual black, and this was really just horrible. My sense was that this was literally toxic in the manner of being disease, on every level, rotting putrid blackness that was beyond mere 'vent this out please' and in need of a HAZMAT crew.

I stepped back then and looked at the entire "wall of fear", with the bright red-red in center and the whole spectrum from left to right. It was a rather odd feeling, to sense that so much of my fear was literally spread out in front of me. I had the feeling that if I were a little better with conscious inner work, I would be able to look into any little part of the wall and focus in and actually 'see' events that had led to or generated the energy in that place.

It was waaaaaay too much to deal with all at once though. I asked IG and the Senior if it would be possible and ok for me to literally leave my fear "in stasis," similar to how my friend had had it. One of them led me to understand that I could do this, but if I did it indefinitely I would have really severe reality and/or health problems from it, so this had to be a very short term thing. I agreed to that. I just wanted to go off and think about it some and ponder on a way of approaching "dealing with" that much stuff at once.

So I closed the meditation. It was time to go view then.

To start my viewing, I always visualize anchoring my kundalini and solar plexus in the core of the earth, and then in the center of galaxy from my crown, and then I imagine the 'string' of energy from one to the other has me, like a shish-ka-bob (haha), and that my spine alines with it. This is no big deal, just about 7-10 seconds on average. So I "sunk me into the core" and realized...

...it felt different. It was like there was no-feeling. Normally when I do this, I feel some vague sense of relief, and a grounding, and an actual affection, for myself as part of earth so to speak, like I am anchoring with mother-energy. As I wondered why it suddenly felt so different, a sort of "insight" came to me, about myself and this process:

The good emotions are actually a side-effect of chronic low-level fear of being separated from self, from that which is part of me. As my fear was held in stasis at that moment, the other emotions didn't follow-on, and I was able to understand that dynamic. I had this sort of reminder -insight: All fear is based on fear of separation from self.

I sort of just sat with this for a few moments, waiting for it to make a little more sense to me. Then I understood that this directly relates to my fear in the Tower, and the reason why mysteriously I was blurting out "Don't leave me!" to the other 3 of 4 earlier. They are a part of me, and although it took me years to accept the larger-me that includes them, now I fear losing them. All the other aspects that the Senior brought to the tower for integration, they make me feel threatened, on many levels, all about loss of self in a few ways, but also loss of the core of us four.

I had this idea that the reality of the universe is something like, "It never was me. It always is me." that I would realize the whole question of what is a part of me vs. separate from me is actually a nonsequiter: in some fashion, there is no such thing. Everything both totally is part of me, and totally is not (I know this makes no sense in linear words, but it does to me in some ineffable way), and hence I can never actually "lose or gain" anything. Facing the "gain and acquisition" of the additional aspects, highlights the flip side of the same belief: that if I can gain parts of me, I can lose them too. Neither are really accurate. In reality, we are all and nothing, and it's just a matter of what we are willing to "extend our attention to."

No FB on the session till this weekend. Hoping to do another on that target.

Before I closed up my lab book (which is both a session book and magical diary of sorts), I had the thought that the wall of fear might require actual divine intervention to properly deal with, of the Jesus - Michael - Sun variety. I will have to do that another night, though. I have to work early.

Time to live, I hope.

I keep forgetting to blog. I need to stay on it. Later, rereading stuff, it does me good.

Had a brief moment after a session recently. Flew to my Inner Guide. I see him more clearly all the time. I try not to be vaguely weirded out by this. He is sort of like if you crossed a human, and maybe an eel or something. Mostly human but... different. His eyes and ears and the side of his face and his skin. I believe the I.G. is a reflection of a part of me, so it doesn't matter, but I find it interesting as none of my I.G.'s have ever been anything but totally human before. Strangely, I vaguely associate the "fishian" overlay with natal and core psychology stuff.

I took him with me to the Tower, as the Senior had asked me to visit more often. I feel very odd when I am there with all the others. I feel extremely shy, and always look for my mate of the four and hold him with my head against his chest like a shy kid. I've never been shy in my life, so it's a weird feeling, especially to have in a meditation. Maybe following on my weird comment to Cosmos my cat the other night, I looked at the Senior and heard myself blurt out, "I don't want to die yet." (!! This spontaneous thing is kinda worrisome you know?!) He said seriously, "It is always your choice."

Anyway, eventually (I've forgotten some details) I decided that what I want to do is Remote Viewing. And I suddenly felt the time was right and I stood up alone and straight and said, "I request, in honor, that all of you give me this: I want to use Remote Viewing as my way of acting out God's Divine Will. I want this, and I have PAID MY DUES. I deserve it: it is mine!" Oddly it seemed as if they all half-expected this and felt it was about time.

I had the sense that my recent misery at hours and hours of my limited off-time spent doing manual archives of RV discussion lists from years ago... had simply finally put my Virgo self-imposed suffering to some level where finally I felt like I "deserved" skill and success with it. We of Four merged, though not the others. Still not a real intense merge which tells me I'm not fully integrated with it yet.

I had time for a quickie session just a bit ago. Have been determined to do at least a little viewing in the practice galleries to support them, but this is the first time I've gotten around to it in eons. Of course, wouldn't you know, I got all the data any viewer should need, but many aspects of it were just like a movie (Superman Returns) that I saw just a few hours ago, so I dismissed them. Also had a couple 'mini-movie' daydreams (where spontaneously I'm just 'in an experience, where like a dream I feel I know everything sometimes, and then I snap back here. But usually, when I get back to attention here, it was all so fast I can't remember much of it).

It was not good but it wasn't horrifying (esp for a quickie) so I let the session be public. That oughtta cure any inclination anybody in there might ever have to make me a guru.

The Tower

My last two sessions have been utter non-data disasters from a remote viewing perspective. While metaphysics is all very well and good, that really is not why I sit down to view. If metaphysics will not stay out of my viewing, then apparently I need to make more time for them outside my sessions, so they will. So last night I sat down, added Narnia on the MP3 and let myself slide into meditation.

I went to my inner space, and eyed the castle over-there. If I visit it, I only visit the roof. I went to the roof and watched something that might be dragons fly in the far distance of the mountains, in the direction of the river. The sun was setting (its placement seems to have nothing to do with my outer world) and it was beginning to be dusk. I knew that I needed to go find 'the tower' whatever that was, as instructed (see previous post).

Bryn and Stet were there, outer guides, as always beside me. So where is the tower? I ask them. They indicate a big round part of the castle that goes up not too much higher than the high roofpoint I am standing on. Unlike most 'towers' in a castle this was not on the outer edge but right in the middle of the building. OK I shrug, and to get this over with, since I feared I might slide into sleep, I turned and went down into the castle proper.

Where is the tower entrance? I asked the castle-at-large when I arrived. Glowing arrows appeared in the air and I followed them, jogging a bit, until they led me to a hallway. The stairs led upward in a wide squared rise, which was nowhere near as big as the tower-top I had seen. When I reached the top---the last arrow pointed out an expanded doorway---I could see why; this was only at the side.

In the middle of the room, on the floor, was some giant symbol. I avoided looking at it, worrying that my conscious mind would AOL it into some symbol I know rather than whatever it is---it is best to get such data spontaneously and autonomously so I know that whatever my mind is giving me, it is more valid to my subconscious. I went and stood right in the middle of the big round room, in the middle of the symbol, and looked around.

There were a bunch of people there, which was confusing. There is only me and the three after all. I looked for my mate, and there he was; I walked over and put my arm around him, and tried to kind of curl up and hide against his chest, like a shy child might with their mother. I felt intensely shy about all these other people, as if they were more than I was ready to deal with.

The other two of our four came toward me and I felt, as I always feel when I address either of them, their 'glory' of a sort; spiritual royalty, to say the least. I clung to the third tightly, though, and aside from the other two, I refused to look at all the others. The senior nodded and all the others who had been coming toward us, stopped and backed up, standing back politely it seemed.

They are 'of' you as well, the senior told me. I held harder to the third, not wanting to see. It was hard enough accepting that my soul could somehow have three others involved with it---let alone that I was a 'smaller perspective' than they were, and the fourth of four---that took years. And I still don't seem to have it all down, given some of my dreams and visions and meditations which suggest that I am, to put it gently, psychically obtuse.

There must have been about 12-16 other people there. I kept my eyes closed, clinging to my mate, the one who once told me he was Noshaimus, and he stood there stoicly, clearly 'feeling through me' that the thing to do here was to suck it up and pay attention but letting me do it on my own time. So I did. I forced myself to step away from him and to look at our senior squarely.

It is already so, you know, he said. It is only a matter of acceptance. He was quoting me back at me!---I wrote that about my 'Abyss' experience back in my Bewilderness days. I gathered up my courage and agreed, and turned to greet them.

And there he was. Nero, the mischeviously grinning dark haired man who had bargained with me earlier. So he is one of the aspects of me? I wondered. Apparently so, someone thought, might have been me, but I'm not sure. One by one, each of the people shook my hand, and then walked into me gently, a very mild energy 'merge' feeling.

Usually archetype merges are far more intense than that; it suggests that I am really not much integrated with them yet at all. Then the cycle came around again, and it required that I go and walk into each of them instead, but shortly in... I fell asleep. Denial, probably.

When I awoke this morning, I forced myself to finish the process. The people spread out from the four of us, and I had the definite sense of a geometric, fractal pattern, that the combination of us "composed" something. Long ago, I had merged with the three and had a similar sense. The four of us lit up with white spheres at our chakras -- including one under the feet -- and merged together and then out into a 3D shape that was that "Tree of Life" QBL thing.

This time, there were lights less like white energy ball-spheres, and more like small but intensely bright glimmering things, and each person had several of them. We all connected together, as if the several we each carried were all fitted into a net or matrix or sorts, a pattern, somewhat spread out. I gazed on it from the inside and suddenly realized: it's like being within the stars. Like a star-map in 3D, like floating in space.

Every man and every woman is a star, I remembered once reading, and then I remembered my experience with a universe as an idea incarnate. My relationship within the four is of one nature; the added people are more than an expansion, they are more like a... like a different nature of connectivity.

Tonight I am going back to talk with the three and see if I can better understand the point of it all, and what they would like of me.

Oh yeah. And I have a date with Nero.

The Bridge of Self

I've been doing viewing practice in an experimental series. You do a brief chakra meditation first, then focus on a given chakra, on intensifying its energy and asking 'through' that chakra for info. At each chakra you give yourself two or three prompts, writing/sketching data after each. The prompts are whatever you like but should be the same all the way through. I use 'tell me something that matters about this target' and 'give me what is most important about this target'. So far it has worked well enough. The change of chakra works like a new prompt, bringing new data. By the time I get to the end, if I've three prompts, it can be an hour. The data develops much as it does in any other model. The goal is to see if, over time and compilation, data of certain types (or via a certain perception-type) comes through more/less at certain chakras, or is more/less accurate at some. If nothing else a side effect is more chakra exercise.

I put the Narnia soundtrack on again (on my MP3 player with earbuds, gosh I love that thing, and how I love that soundtrack!) and did an inner guide meditation. I asked him to take charge of whatever he felt most needed doing on my part. He took my arm and we appeared on my bridge. That's the lonnnnng one, the high suspension bridge that seems to represent "me" and the length of it, this life. (I thought I had my meditations from the beginning of the year online to refer to but I see I don't. Dang. Well anyway...) It's a conscious-dream-construct, except spontaneous (the best kind). We appeared far from where I was last time. A good section of the bridge had nothing but some odd-looking light-colored cable-like shapes holding it together. Nearly the entire bridge at that point was "burned out" from underneath. Such a grevious wound. I wondered what part of my life or body (or both) this represented, but decided the point really was fixing it. My third of four, the captain overseeing the bridge reconstruction, came up beside me. My mate in the 'four' symbology, I looked at him and oozed love for awhile. Then I went back to the focus. It required a lot of effort, channeling energy and intent through me into some format that flowed and became the construction material to reconstruct the bridge. Finally it seemed all completed.

I turned to my guide, ready to leave, and I was falling asleep at that point, and there it went... I was about one molecule from sleep when my entire right-side of body gave a fantastic jerk so powerful it shocked me instantly awake and I looked up--to see my senior (the first of four), he was staring at me from inches away from my face, and I understood that he had 'caused' this massive physical abreaction, to get my attention and wake me up. I felt this large emotion difficult to articulate, but some degree of 'shocked awe-based fear' was involved because I had never realized that this 'spiritual aspect of me' could so physically affect my body.

"Join us inside the castle," he said. "More often. Come to the tower." In my sacred space used to be this tiny palisade that grew into a big castle when I wasn't looking last January. The four of us live in it, in a hilariously Narnia-like relationship that I swear I never grokked until this year, despite that my relationship with them has gone on since 1994. I sometimes go to the roof of the castle, and look out over a big river below and way off into the distant mountains. I don't go inside, after the early January meditations. I don't know why. I just haven't felt... like it was mine yet, somehow. I have never been in any part I would call 'the Tower'. But I guess I have to go. His... requests don't really allow argument.