Saturday, August 19, 2006

The I's Have It

I was thinking to myself about how I've been going through this phase where my eyes and brain both keep 'unfocusing and diffusing', constantly. Driving me nuts. It occurred to me that my "I's" keep unfocusing and diffusing... maybe that is really what it means.

I was signing a check for my kid's karate dojo today and I realized that for a long time now I have the oddest habit: I keep forgetting the "I" in my last name (Gaenir). Literally, I handwrite it, and then I have to go back in and forcibly insert the I into the name, where it doesn't have enough room really. I thought that LD would probably say that this summed up my life pretty well: "not making room for the I."


I did a session that was two, short, 'sitting in walmart parking lot' illegible piecess, which are often the only kind I get in. I love describing sessions in retrospect, soon enough that hopefully memory hasn't torqued it to inventing, but late enough that feedback allows the tons of "contextual, below-verbal" levels of info to add into the description for much more sense.

1} There were these little glowy balls that were floating around all over the place in the air, and then suddenly there was this mass interruption and everything went to "static-and-black". It looked as if I'd been watching, with my face just inside the screen so it was all I saw, a 3D TV documentary on these things, and then someone yanked the cable and a second later the plug. Very much a "sudden radical interruption". It was pretty novel.

2} There was something physical that had two kinda flat shapes, horizontally placed, parallel with one above the other, and they were connected to each other only at one end, by this space that was between them and slightly inward from the end. (I sketched this. Twice. Badly.)

3} There was this shape, I couldn't tell what it was, but there was a part of it that was very specifically "peeled away" on the corner, rather like in illustrations where they show you a part of something 'peeled away' to show you what is underneath. I didn't feel the point was what was under, but rather the "peeling off of an outer layer."

4} I saw something facing me that had a bunch of small shapes in a horizontal row, but there was this "swollen thickness" around them that later I wished I'd written down as a sort of "glow" but at the time, I just sketched, badly like everything else, my sketching really needs work darn it.

5} I had a combination of senses hard to articulate that I had to render as AOLs through no choice. A sense like a catapult, throwing one thing high and far; a sense like some kind of forced-air-machine, like whatever was being thrown wasn't really solid.

6} I also had several feelings that suggested the physical thing connected near one end was kinda like a teeter totter, or the finger-side of a clamp at the connected end; a strong feeling like, "You push this side down, and the other side goes up."

I was thrown off because right off at the beginning of the session I got this overwhelming sense of a whole bunch of tall parallel shapes. This nearly always means trees. I also had data with no FB and/or wrong, that seemed to me kinda like a rough edged truncated tree trunk, but I wasn't sure if that was a 'symbol' (of 'rough surface' and 'truncated') or if it was literal. And I had other data that is either no FB or just totally off, and I fell asleep once and nearly did a few times, despite the supershort scribbling 2-part session. I may be hopeless if I can't make more decent time for the art, sheesh!

One interesting thing is in the my last several sessions I've had this experience near the end where it's like, I get *so much data* that it's impossible to fathom or articulate. It's like I'm just aware of this giant glob of tons of stuff all at once, and sometimes I am sort of aware of some tiny aspect or six, but it's all moving so fast, there is just no way. I had it on the prayer ribbons target recently, and on the mcqueen session recently, and again on this one.

Anyway the task was from LD who does most of my tasking that isn't from group efforts or my envelope pool, and it was this novel technology, a Reich orgone cloud buster as it's called, and his intent was describe how it worked. I've no idea if I fulfilled that but it was a fun session anyway. Of course, the disaster of my raw sessions vs. the decent form I can put them in if I have time prior to FB is always a little distressing but oh well. The messy truth is here.


Last night I sat looking at Dor's talisman. It's been hanging on the little shelf by my bed for a couple days. I felt if he wasn't going to be more proactive with me, and I just don't feel him (maybe this is my ignorance, but still!) that I see no reason to feed him my energy. It is a symbiote relationship but if I don't get my part that'd make him a parasite and not to be over personal but at this moment in my life I think I have enough of those and I'm just not in the mood damn it. So I took off his talisman and hung it up and I have looked at it grumpily but refused to wear it, though I never took it off since I got it. Today I gave in and put it back on, feeling like maybe I was blaming him for my own BS.

Soooo.... as usual, my only time to do anything of interest today was about 15 minutes in the car, while Lu shopped. At this rate someday I'll be on Geraldo talking about "How I found omniscience in the Walmart parking lot." (Just kidding.)

It was TIME to do a meditation. I tuned into my sacred space and then wondered where I was. I often appear in different places and usually I figure that is a form of self communication too. I was way the heck away from the castle, I was over in the space where I began all this years ago, the plateau.

In fact, ironically I never noticed this until not long ago, but my "sacred space" that I made for myself a dozen years ago looks slightly like part of the background pic of this blog. It's a super high "plateau," one of those funky desert looking things, and when I look down the back, way down there is a meandering river. Down the front there is a cage elevator that gets me down to the ground, then there is a small cornfield, and I go through that and then a little clearing and a cave.

I go into the cave and in a ways, there is a tiny creek that goes under the ground just before the entrance. I walk beside the creek until I reach a tiny stone bridge that is one of those little shallow arch footbridges that leads across. Just on the other side, a few steps from the bridge, is a big stone archway that is a doorway out of the cave.

When I exit it, I'm in a different 'inner' reality. I turn right and walk alongside a tiny field, then left and go across it. In the center I reach a big tree, with some little white benches around it, where my inner guide waits. I trace it back exactly to return.

At one point I built a tiny 'pavilion' for the 'four elementals of soul' (3 and me, or "the 4") that was way off to the right of where my armchair sits on the plateau. It was lovely, mostly open, with columns, and on its own little plateau surrounded by sky. Then one day I came in and it had grown massively into this whole castle that was over on the longer, main plateau, way off to the right. This was early this year when these meditations were so autonomous and profound... there's just no putting it in words.

There was a huge walled garden extending about 1/8 of a mile off to the left. Inside the garden there is a really long thin pool-like shape (shallow like a fountain) that goes all the way through it, and inside this at the bottom is a colorfully tiled DNA helix. Don't ask me why. The '4' of DNA is about the only correlation I can make there.

Anyway, on the other side of the garden stairs up to the castle proper. In the middle of the castle on the top level is a roof and that is usually where I appear of late, on the other side of it. The sunsets are quite lovely there and far, far off in the distance, I can see what I am suspicious are dragons flying near the high mountains. There is a big river that goes by the other side of the castle.

In the middle of the castle is a winding square staircase that leads up to a big circular room with a giant symbol (dunno what yet) on the floor, and they call this room the 'tower'. Even though it isn't taller than the rest of the castle and isn't a typical tower. Which is where the Senior (the top of 'the 4') has me come to work with 'the consortium'... the next ring of identities involved in my larger soul. Or... something.

That was way more boring stuff than anybody wanted to know. Moving on.


I decided prior to going to the tower, where I am way overdue I know, I need to do an archmed on this weird "de-focussed" effect I've had lately. I have really had a hard time lately, haven't meditated in quite some time, and the last time I tried literally everything was semi-opaque, distant and unreal. This seemed ok, not as good as usual but ok. It improved as I went on. So I got to IG, and realized it'd been awhile, and I hugged him --

--and then realized, or understood, that I have actually been avoiding meditation because of my response to him. I had no idea consciously. The last few times I've seen him I have noticed more and more that he is not human, and despite that on that inner world, entities can be anything, all my guides have been human until him. Each time I have seen him he seems to get a little bit more... um... amphibian. The last time I saw him I really noticed the small open gills on him, the spots on him, and his eyes seemed more black, and his skin more... rubbery sorta. A part of me pulls back in semi-repulsion from this, even though the more dominant, conscious me, insists on finding it novel and ignoring that.

"So I was avoiding you," I say, "realizing" that HE has given me this realization when I hugged him. He nods. "I'm so sorry," I say. "Please. I remember when I first met you I couldn't even see you. I know it's like a denial. Please don't go less visible on me last time. I can't stand it. I truly want you to be YOU, whatever you are. I want to know you, in your most natural form."

"Are you sure?" he says. Suddenly a bit unnerved, I stammer, "Yeah, sure!"

He turns into this huge creature that is probably 20 feet high, looks sort of like a frog/toad but also like something else I can't even name, and he sits there and looks down at me.

"Um." I say, struggling to be polite and to keep my word. "So. Um. This is the real you! Wow. That's. Um. That's really... really interesting!"

He sat there and looked at me. I stood there and looked at him. Silence.

"SOooooo," I say, knowing that he KNOWS whatever is inside me, so pretending anything is just SO beyond stupid, "Are you more comfortable in that form than you are in the humanoid form you usually wear with me?" I could only hope not.

"It doesn't matter to me," he says.

I nearly breathed a sigh of relief. Good. I would not be morally obligated to interact with that form then. "Well then... nothing personal but I would really prefer you in a humanoid form," I said apologetically. It's not you!" I assured him hastily, "It's me, you know, I'm simple, easily scared, and I just relate more to species closer to mine." Heh. Nice save. Almost.

Back in his humanoid form, looking rather like an overpale Trill from Star Trek (ok, with small gills as well as spots, lol) he waits for me.

I feel so guilty. I mean, he is part of me. I know he is part of me. I love him, he has done so much for me, he is so wise and brilliant and -- and WTF kind of spiritual path makes your wise inner self a giant alien-amphibian frog-like creature? How come other people get little pink Jesuses and typical Buddha or Native sorts, and I get totally freaky things?!

I felt sort of... I dunno. Not really ashamed of myself, not a bad-guilt feeling, more like a sorry-I'm-not-more-evolved feeling. Like, "Yeah, be who you are!--er, as long as you're like me."


I tell IG I want to work with an archetype that somehow relates to this weird defocussing of late, and I add for good measure "and that will do me the most good from the med in the limited time I have for it." I close my eyes, turn around, and open them to the arch. For an instant I nearly see something, and then --

-- I see this panel, like a solid object about 2.5 feet wide, 4 feet tall, and about 2 inches thick, vertical flat-facing me, with a horizontal bar running right through the middle of it, and it is spinning slowly on the bar.

I just stand there looking at it like an idiot for a bit. It is always offputting to me when my archetype is an object instead of something I can talk to and I always end up talking to the archetype as if there is an invisible person standing next to it that is actually the 'real' archetype and whatever I see is just some projection.

I watch it spin. I'm asking myself, what does this mean? Should it be spinning, or not? What should I be doing here to interact? I ask it, "what do I do?" and it moves toward me and so I let it merge into me, and I become that funky flat shape slowly, irregularly spinning.

I feel myself defocus. Yes, this is it... feels rather like that. Slightly dizzy. Losing track of what is around. I force myself, now the object, to stop and be vertical, and I think at a space next to us where I imagine something easier for me to imagine having a consciousness is standing.

"So... it's that I'm... um... spinning?" I ask. The shape of us changes, and the bar changes, and then there is a small ball in the middle, like a large ball-bearing, that somehow has its own elevated, stable nature, and now I am spinning in every direction, like one of those triple-ring things they use in the space program and they have at fairs. "Whoa..." I say, and I 'sense' that I'm starting to feel some info now.

One thing is that I feel it's relevent that in order for this spinning to happen I have had to completely lose track of my 'center' feeling. "So I need to... focus on my center," I say, thinking this sure was a lot of trouble to go through only to be told something that even I, dim as I am some days, could have told myself.

I felt something change, and suddenly I was moving all over, and various walls and things around me I was in danger of running into, and some were moving toward me, literal chaos ensued until I forced myself not only to hold the center but to hold an 'awareness' of where everything else was and "keep it equidistant from me" so that I could remain in the center.

"Ah," I say slowly, starting to get it. "So it isn't just about centering myself. It's also about maintaining an awareness of what is around me, because that is a big part of truly centering myself. When I tune out of what is around me--just like defocusing my eyes--I also lose the needed awareness for maintaining my own center--the I." That seemed sorta right. I don't think I totally got this accurately but it was the best I could do.

And then I'm sorry to say that I forget the rest. I do think I ended it but I can't remember. Lu scared me when he opened the door, I yelped loudly, and the last of it fell out of my head.


Later tonight I went down to see IG and I hugged him, and I asked him to take his real form and I flew up to gently lay on top of his giant head to rest on him. He was kinda slimy. Apparently psychic amphibians are slightly icky too. He warned me but as I landed I said, so what... I'll take a psychic shower. And I laid on him and told him I loved him and I was sorry for being so reactive earlier.

I hope this weekend to get some more 'serious' meditation done esp. in the Tower.

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