Thursday, August 03, 2006


I went to bed before 10pm last night. I can't even remember the last time that happened. I decided to do prayer-meditations for awhile. I'm out of touch, out of practice. I finally got enough into the groove to feel it.

My prayers to Archangel Michael have changed over the last year or so. It used to be, I just talked to him and well, whatever. But now, when I pray to him, when I really "tune into the feeling," I feel as if I am 'shifted' slightly into an even more devout feeling of Glory be to God. I mean, I feel as if Michael is directing me to that, as if, "That always comes first." As if, he doesn't want to be an idol/demi-deity 'replacement' for God in my mind, but wants to affirm the priority. After that is done properly, THEN I can go on with my prayers.

I so miss Michael. I used to come home every night, and go to this thing I hung on my wall with a rhyming prayer I wrote to him printed on blue and framed, and I would throw my arms out and cant it loudly with as much "oomph" feeling as I could muster. I used to light a candle and incense every night and pray so fiercely to "evolve". Every spare 10 seconds I had in a day, I closed my eyes and "centered." It's no wonder my 'awareness' was so much greater then.

Nowdays I work all day... code some tkr stuff (never enough, and usually by the time I'm ready to add piece 1 to piece 11, I've forgotten what the heck I was doing and have to do it over...), sometimes spend some time with my kid... some time in chat or phone with friends... and if I'm lucky, get a session done... if I get all that into a day, I only get about 3-4 hours of sleep. So, something has to give in order for me to get at least 6 hours sleep. Last night everything gave. I woke up at 6:30 and went back to sleep, overslept, woke up at 9:30. That means after prayer etc. I got probably 10 hours of sleep. That's astounding.

Actually what's astounding is that I feel smart today. Don't laugh. I feel like I have access to my brain. Normally, I only have some percentage of access to my brain. Sometimes, a very small percentage, depending on my sleep. (And, depending on how much wheat/gluten/etc. I'm eating, since I have asthma if I eat that junk and it cuts down my blood oxygen level.) For ten years my kid has been destroying any sleep that would last longer than 3 hours, and I just recently got her trained to believe that mortal doom would descend from the sky if she woke me up for any reason besides gushing blood, the smell of gas or actual flames.

On average, I operate on a fraction of my capability mentally and physically both. Unfortunately, fat is harder and slower to lose than blood and brain oxygen and sleep are to improve. At least the brain, I can help! So for once, I slept enough, and today I have a brain. Of course, I slept all night sitting up with my lab book on my lap, since I was preparing to do a session.

Hmmnn. So... night before last I did a session that sucked, and last night I fell asleep rather than get around to doing one at all. Denial? Maybe the whole person- rapport experience (or belief I had that experience, anyway) caused some rubber band effect of resistance.

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