Sunday, July 30, 2006

July is almost over.

Saturn is now out of retrograde. Hallelujiah.

Haven't been able to meditate worth a darn. Every time I start I either end up in a daydream or asleep. Will try again tonight.

I've also been really lazy about using any method -- experimental or standard -- for my last week of RV. Not sure why. I am probably being p/a for some reason. Need to do more short exercises to shake it out of me.

Had a bizarre dream that Cassandra Frost was sucking up to Ingo Swann and all the efforts Joe and I were making (in the dream) to do something publicly good for RV and viewers were eventually greatly negated by some negative public thing done by CF. This struck me as funny when I woke up, since I had not been thinking of she or Swann at all in eons so it was a bit out of the blue.

(In a funny sync, I just finished writing that paragraph, and switched windows to add the feedback to a session before I forgot and so I could link to it here in my next paragraph -- and saw a note on the dojo chatmat that CF had entered. No clue who CF is. I don't even look at the users, I ceased to have a clue like 3400 people ago who anybody might be. But it's like it's haunting me lol.)

Finished the starlight session. Really sucked! Didn't feel any sense of contact, so even when I had it, I was so busy fighting the data lest it be aol, that I trashed my own session. I resisted the boat aol SO beautifully ... The awful result is here. (Unreadable, as well.) Ah well. You win some, you lose some. I've been working with LD as tasker fairly regularly and it's getting harder to come up with sessions for him and others and starlight and TKR and now...

Radical RV officially opened today and the first task opens tomorrow the 31st. This is a small viewer group for non-/limited-feedback tasks. My friends and I joke it's the one place where all our sessions will be amazingly accurate hahaha. Two tasks a week. Everyone gets to task. 1 session per six weeks required. We use TKR's tools for posting sessions. We want to keep it small but I'm up for a few more people joining if anybody's interested.

I've been working on TKR stuff each night after work. Trying to finish some "offsite tasker" features designed to make viewer-groups in Yahoo far more fun and less bother, and some baby-bot, simplified versions of Taskerbot, so people can task themselves (mix it up), task friends, do 'tandem' practice, etc. My laptop died and I get sick of sitting in my chair so many hours so I'm doing less all the sudden. Maybe in the 2 weeks while it's getting warranty-replaced, I will finish the Wheel of Time series. I quit reading in early book 8. Need to finish up to 11 and the prequel so I can send them off to someone else, am trying to keep my house in minimalist mode and get rid of stuff.

Speaking of which, my birthday is Sep 14, and I know that no matter what I say sometimes people online will send me stuff, which is incredibly sweet. I'm trying so hard to keep stuff out of my house I recommend JellyBelly jellybeans. No puns about the size of my butt, now. They're yummy and unlike chocolate they don't melt in Oklahoma's indian summers, and most importantly, they do NOT take up room in my house. Unless you are counting my girth. But let's not. Please.

Meanwhile, Joe McMoneagle is finally using his blog (here) regularly, the last couple days and the next couple days he'll be posting. I'm encouraging people to comment, to encourage him to realize someone is paying attention. You know if we can ever get this guy talking more about RV, it'll be invaluable; there is more stuff in his head than most the entire field has available combined everywhere else. (He's a nice guy, too; you'd like him if you knew him.)

Well, Rykah is demanding I come do something with her before sleep. Yeah, she's up late as usual. I hope that this school year I can vastly "regulate" the whole eating sleeping schedule for her, I think it would help her so much, not to mention the issue of my sanity. For now, she is waiting on math practice and some hangman games, so I gotta go. Hell hath no fury like a 9 year old ignored.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

In the Cellar

I was supposed to post this day before yesterday. I forgot about 20 times. Then I went to post it last night and I kid you not, I was sitting in bed with my laptop and I clicked the link to come to the admin for this blog and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up an hour later -- I had someone sitting in an IM box! -- admitted I had rather weirdly passed out very suddenly, between one click and another, and just went to sleep instead.

Now I'm taking a break from work just to get it posted. It's so boring and unimportant I can't imagine why I might be in denial of posting about it, unless it's some subconscious reaction, or maybe just that it seems gross and it would be so much groovier if all my experiences could be something that makes me look really cool, man. Heh.

My friend tells me I am so hip I am square, or so square I am hip. I wonder when my friends will just admit I am a total weirdo-nerd and that's just the way it is.

In keeping with being socially unacceptable...

So I keep forgetting the 'wall of fear' exists, in stasis in the tower room, total denial. Then something reminds me that I have to get back to that. I just haven't felt like I had any idea how to deal with it. And the dark side of it was just gross and terrifying. So... time marches on. I'm the Queen of denial, no news there.

Day before yesterday I decided to do an archmed and ask to work with the arch who would best help me deal with the wall of fear... who knows how. I trust IG to work out the details. But I couldn't really see the arch well at all, typical of those I have the most problems with. And sometimes when I almost saw it I would feel fear lurch in my gut and I would find myself breathing hard all the sudden and find something really urgent I needed to do that was not meditating.

Finally after ditching the process in the middle like 2 or 3 times I think, I came back determined to finish it. I stare at the space where I know the arch is but I can only feel him and not really see him, aside from a general impression of blobbiness. I did once get the impression of a head that had all the components but all totally separate like Mr. Potato Head but that kind of grossed me out so I didn't pay attention to that anymore, which might explain why he got less visible instead of more as time went on.

So we're there, in my inner space, and I have no idea what to do with him. I just don't really feel any ideas whatever. Normally the spontaneous ideas I have are, I assume, an equal part of the process. I was not feeling very idea-prone. I finally asked him if he would walk with me a bit, and I held his hand of sorts, and we walked a bit around the field by the tree where IG is.

I told him how I really wanted to work with him but was clueless where to begin and in denial besides, and would appreciate his help. Then I had the idea that maybe we should go check out the cave. This had never occurred to me before. The cave is like a part of my outer-inner world (wait, that sounded confusing...) -- the space where "outer guides" and such are found. Through the cave and out an archway on the side, I'm in another world. That world is the "inner" world where archetypes go.

True, I have brought outer guides into my inner space, more than once. The first time I did that, the guide seemed totally in awe. The next time I showed up to meditate there were like 20 people I'd never seen before all hanging around that guy, all rowdy, like he'd brought his college dorm or something. I had to keep telling them to pipe down, but I took them too. Now and then I've taken another. I always wonder how it comes off to them. They seem to find it really novel. But I'd never thought of bringing an archetype into any part of the outer-guide space.

(I think this is part of what's frying my brain about putting RV and archmeds in the same context. That to me, RV is totally outer-world-HERE, and archmeds are totally inner-world-THERE, and it's a stretch to see how they could meet.)

So I said, "Wanna go check out the cave? Maybe pick a door, see what's inside?" He said sure. So we went into the cave to the point where it V's off and he said, "Left." So we went left, down a long hall with doors on right side, and then suddenly there was this doorway that instead of a door, just led to a hall, but the hall instantly veered in a curve and went sharply downward. He wanted to go that way, and he seemed to know where he was going, so I asked him if he did. He thought that was funny for some reason but didn't answer. We go around this long curve of stone floor, going pretty deeply down, and finally we reach the bottom.

Just off the 'curve' is what seems to be a pond or pool of water. I ask if this is right and he nods yes, and we go along the little side near us over to the left side which has lots of space, and we sit down there and he points at the water, which is like a big rectangular pool going back into a deeper cavern, and he says, "Watch." Just then there is this odd sound, and the water level starts dropping rapidly, and ALL the water literally drains out of the area, and I can see that the lowest part was actually over at the other side, and there were these three big tubes like sewage pipes that apparently connected as I could see their opening at the bottom-side on the other side, and all the water really rapidly drained into them and then from all around, the pool refilled with clean water, really fast.

I looked at this, I looked at the guide, and then I said, "Oh my God. It's a toilet!!" and I just cracked up. I mean of all symbols to get! But it very obviously was, although very very big and my impression was that this was literally part of my biological body, symbolic of it anyway. It appeared the water occasionally 'flushed' whether there was any visible need of it to or not.

Then he said, "We are here for the wall of fear. We can deal with some of it here." I said, "But how? It's way over in the tower." He looked at me. I realized I am a moron. Man, sometimes I'm SO dim... so I visualized it appearing in the air, intact, above the water.

He said ok, easy does it, and he--and me, sort of helping when I realized what he was doing--let the far left side of the wall, which was about a foot thick and maybe 10 feet high, open up like a door on it opened, and the worst of the wall, the utterly black stuff, started coming out.

Sort of. Not only was it sludge, but it was nearly solid in places, and I could feel that 'pieces' in it were hard as rocks. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I felt nauseated and wondered if a meditation could make me throw up.

I did a major effort to ask for energy to hit this stuff and make it chemically inert, and break up the solid pieces, etc. and I could feel the rush of the energy so at least that part was working. Even though it was a big pool of water, it could only take so much.

The water had some property where it really absorbed into anything dropped in it, so as to make everything thinner and flushable. When the water maxxed out in that regard, we stopped, and it flushed. It was gross. The clean water filled up, and we did it again. Many times, over and over, through the horrible black stuff, then through the just gross brown stuff, and finally we reached the point where red was visible, the red of the fear, and he said (now that the 'toxic and toxin' part was gone), whether I dealt with the rest of the fear this way or some other way was optional.

As we were on a roll I chose to deal with as much of it as I could this way, and we got the red all the way up to about the yellow-red of cowardice before we stopped the major flushing, rinsed out the part of the lucite-like wall where all the rest had been, and closed it.

I sat looking at it for a bit, at the wall of what fear was left. I understood that all this other fear-energy, the various shades and meanings of the "red roiling energy" inside the wall, was something that I actually had options about and could deal with in other ways. For example I could really work on transmuting it, improving its frequency level (for lack of a better concept) until it was no longer fear, or at least not so serious. I thought about just dumping it all out here and wondered what that would mean.

"What would it mean if I just dump it all?" I asked the arch. "Would it be denial?" He shook his head, and into my mind came a memory of an experience I had a long time ago (online, 'searching for fear' here). (Wow now I see it was exactly 13 years ago I had that experience. Holy cow! I'm getting old!) I remembered explaining that experience, with the understanding that when I truly "released" my fear, that energy which had been part of me, left me, and essentially became independent. When that happened, it was as if I was "smaller" without it. Literally I had given up a part of myself.

I realized that is why it's so hard to let go of fear. It is part of us just like good emotions are. And I think all things have a primal, spirit-level urge toward growth, toward absorption-expansion, and that is sort of contrary to that drive. "But it doesn't help to be bigger, if the extra is all ugly," the arch said. "If you let go of that, it's true you would be much smaller. But maybe you would be better able to grow in good ways, without all that." I nodded.

And then I realized that this is the situation with being overweight, as well. In terms of creating reality, and living in the body of our beliefs as Seth puts it. It is a part of ourselves. As Reich put it, as "body armor," it is very likely a lot of fear used as protection. Yes, we would be smaller if we let it go. But...

I called back the wall and said that's it! I'm dumping the whole damn thing into the water! The arch laughed. I opened up the long-side of the wall, the flat face of it, and held it out over the small lake, while forcing it to flush repeatedly. When it was done, I imagined rinsing out the inside of the wall.

There was still some fear-energy in there but not much. I figured that meant I have to deal with that part of it in some other way. I imagined the wall shrinking down to fit what was left, and it became a flattish oval shape that reminded me of "Mirror mirror, on the wall..." a funny sync to my thoughts about fear and extra weight.

That seemed like what we came for. So I took its hand and we went around the edge and hiked back up the long curving slanted route back up to the end of a long hallway, and down that to where the cave V'd, and into the cave and then over the little bridge that spans the creek and out the door and back into the archetypal realm. We went back to IG and it was time for the arch to leave.

We shook hands. I could sorta seem him then. Seemed... relatively normal. "Water." he said. "Drink water." And then he was gone.

I shrugged at IG and wrapped it all up to be done with.

Pretty disgusting as a process, but it did seem fairly, er, ventingly-useful.

Got me thinking about being overweight though, one of the few plagues of my life. Thinking about Seth saying we live in the body of our beliefs. Thinking about it being hard to let go of fear because it is an equal part of us. I'm thinking now, what are all the things that I believe, that I will not let go of, that I am essentially "wearing" in my body?

Monday, July 24, 2006

Dark Energy, maybe

A bit over an hour ago I woke up for work. I'm taking a break to write this down before I forget any more of it.

I dreamed about (of all people) Tom Cruise. I can't imagine why. I haven't even seen a media reference to him in some time so it's not like anything on my mind.

I dreamed that it was the future and he had a little girl who was about four, four and a half years old, and a wife. He had this place he lived sometimes that was a big plot of land, kind of ranch-like where there's tons of space, had a feel like it was "out of the way" of the coasts (maybe midwest).

He was outside in a rather more remote area of it, with his little girl, his wife either inside the house or somewhere else, when his little girl disappeared. Literally just, she was there one minute and there was nobody and nothing around but a couple minutes later he realized she was gone. He started searching and then got all freaked out and called someone to help search and before you know it, the whole world knows that his kid has disappeared and there's search parties everywhere.

Time passes. Eventually, they find a body. They aren't sure it's hers, so the world is in suspense while they're running some kind of check. Finally, the news announces it: the girl's body had been found, she was dead. It appeared someone had kind of been stalking TC's celebrity identity and had the opportunity and nabbed her.

I found myself there with TC as if I were some kind of spirit guide. His grief was so keen. He had such guilt about it as well, about her being taken while he was right there. His wife also was terribly grieving about it, more than him in ways that make sense for a mother. I "observed" her. There was another woman there, with light hair, who had come when they found the body. She reminded me of TC's ex wife, the actress NK who honestly always struck me as cold somehow, she just has that look I suppose. I'm not sure if it was her or just someone I got the cold vibe from.

She hung around as a 'counselor' for T's wife, seeming a saint for making such efforts to be with her and so on. But really, she was wicked. She was constantly, subtly implicating T in the event, constantly trying to drive a wedge between T and his wife who had enough issues just resulting from the situation.

When I finally woke up, I felt such a genuine sadness. I haven't had a bad dream in awhile. I don't know why I would have one like this, or what psychology, aside from typical today's-world, mothers-worries sorts, would bring that symbology to me. I hope there is no hint of reality in it and it is just symbolic dreaming.

The feel as if I were some kind of guide though, is just like the feel I've had in other-lives memories when a different aspect of me is dominant. In those lives they are the primary-identity and I'm like a close guide. Why I would feel as if I had that relation to TC is utterly beyond me. Not to mention that I'm certainly hoping to be fully in the flesh when his daughter reaches that age. (!)

Anyway. I got set up for work and read my email and my Warder wrote saying he'd had this very unusual "dark dream." I wonder if there is some shared energy there.

Go figure.

Monday, July 17, 2006

The Only Living Boy in New York

That subject is the title of a great Paul Simon song. My archmed earlier today made me think of it. (I think his "Negotiations and Love Songs" [Greatest Hits collection] is one of the best albums of all time.)

You know how I keep saying that I want to work with archetypes (and targets, and aspects, and... well, let's just say reality) "from the inside" and so on. But how come, if I believe this, every time any identity does something new that seems autonomous, I am so astonished?

I mean, for someone who allegedly believes that everything is consciousness, I sure am surprised when anything shows signs of it. Even in the smallest ways.

Another archmed on what I needed most, let the IG work out the details. The arch was kinda funky. There was the vaguest frogginess about him, though he was human, his head was a bit big. You know the texture of rubbery green skin and those bony-looking "heavy brow" shapes around the eyes that literally shape the head... a bit odd. I could not see him very clearly which is always a sign of something I am not well integrated with.

Anyway, I opened my (er, imaginal) mouth to say something, I don't know what exactly, and what came out of me was, "I respect you." I surprised myself. But it was apparently a good enough beginning.

When I went to create a thoughtform energy-something to give the archetype, though, I felt oddly like I didn't really have enough energy to do that. It was like a billion degrees (I know... mom told me a million times not to exaggerate...) and I was sitting in a car briefly while Lu ran in to shop and Ry ran to see the sidewalk sale, and I just didn't really feel like I had a lot to give. So I visualized 'opening' all my chakras 'more' and then bringing energy through me like you do in healing, through the crown, feet and perineum (Kundalini) area.

Whatever I decide to do is spontaneous and always part of the meditation and the nature of it all, of course. I did something different than usual (it's always unique, but sometimes more than others), I decided to create a sort of "energy-shape-of-me" as if creating a thoughtform that was me-shaped and standing right in front of me. I decided that I would channel all this energy into the me-form and then when it was done, I would give him that as the link. I tried to "set" it so it would keep pouring energy "through" me into this.

To my astonishment, he began doing the same thing!

Now I'm sorry to be so dense. It's not like an archetype has never interacted with me autonomously before.

One time, I was meditating with Sun. He is a golden Adonis sort. He took my hand and led me off, away from the inner-guide area, out into the "world" there that I had never been anywhere in except where my guide's little white benches are under a big tree. We walked for quite some ways, and there was something up ahead which eventually we came to, and it was a double, elevated conveyor belt. About 3 feet wide, elevated around 4 feet off the ground, two next to each other. Like a manufacturing assembly line hahaha, with people standing on top, except I saw no people. There were small staircases every so often (quite some distance apart, but one near where we were), and we climbed one to step on it. Then we went (with the direction of the belt, which was right) on, and on, for quite some distance! Mostly fields and so on.

I was riding this thinking of two things. The first was, "Holy cats! Where the hell did all this come from?! Is this all me? Is this my mind generating an entire reality all on its own? Is this some intermediate-world that is like an interface between my brain, some energies, and this is the "translation point" where it all gets moved into symbols I recognize? Was it here all along??"

The second was, "How is it that he knows about this and I don't? How is that my Sun archetype is acting as autonomously as a person?!"

We eventually rolled into what seemed a town or city, but it was as if our rolling conveyor built for people, was the equivalent of a railroad or freeway in our world: the town was very clearly built "around" the thing. The buildings were a small dark brick like I've seen in pictures of Europe. They were simple and kind of long, like something several stories high, in a rectangular shape that went back about the size of a city block in my world. These were on both sides, and the conveyor-belt went through the middle. As we reached the buildings area, the ground around the belt became cobblestone, paved.

As we got into the city, I could look both ways and see all the way down the "roads" on either side -- all cobblestone, all made for foot traffic and nothing else it appeared -- until their end, maybe two or three buildings blocks away. There were extra stairs here, every "road" there had a stair to step up or down next to the belt. Sun indicated we should get off at one point finally, so we went down a staircase and walked down this street. The stores on either side seemed a little different, maybe a little old fashioned in some way I couldn't put my finger on. Nearly everything was made out of brick on the outside and a dark wood on the inside as far as I could see, but there were hardly any windows for some reason, and I didn't see anything electric -- I have no clue how the belt worked.

He walks me down this street and we go about halfway down the first block. We turn into this building at the right, and it seems to be a hotel. It's a big entry room, we are against the right side wall and at the far left side there is a counter (like hotels have) and a man behind it. The counter is made of a dark wood and the walls are either wood or paneled. Sun and the man nod silently at each other and Sun leads me straight back (going forward from the door), all the way to the back of the room and there is an elevator.

We get in it, and we go up, and we go all the way to the top. When we get out, on the left is the wall (the edge of that particular unit in the building), and the hallway extends apparently all the way to the far edge of the building, way down to the right. We walk all the way down to the very end of the hall, and there are doors on the left and right, and there is a door at the very end facing us. We go into that room.

The room was totally round, and it seemed empty. The ceiling was about twice the normal ceiling height, and it was rounded like a dome, and it was entirely glass windows. The light was incredible in there! Sun put his hands on my shoulders and sort of positioned me and then just... just... radiated me. In the best way. I physically gasped from it, and remembered that I was just sitting around with my eyes closed and all of this seemingly real experience was just an archetype meditation. I opened my eyes. Still normal. I closed my eyes. There we were.

I had this rather offbeat idea, not sure where I got it. I said, "Please... radiate away my fears." And as the light beamed into me, I could physically feel all these sharp little pains!, of various size and intensity and depth-placement, nearly all of which ranged from my solar plexus to the top of my heart for body-location. By the time that was over my eyes were wide and I was pretty much speechless. Finally, he took my hand, holding it, and we went back the entire way we came. Out the door, down the hall, into the elevator, down to the ground floor, into the hotel, out the door, onto the sideway, down the road, up the stairs, onto the conveyor, the other side this time, and all the way back to the hill where we'd climbed on, and then back through the field until I came to the tree with the small white benches where IG (inner guide) sat waiting.

So it's not like no archetype has ever been autonomous!

Two notes.

1: I later read of someone else working with a Sun archetype and asking them to radiate away their fears. Maybe this process is itself archetypal, and so spontaneous??

2. When Sun took me, we went right on the belt, right down the street, right into the building, turned face in the elevator, and right down the hallway. Dunno if it matters. But in the "cave" I actually go "through" for my archmeds?---if I continue in the cave, which I have a few times, it splits left and right, and there are doors and rooms in there, and each one has something different! No kidding.

One time I went right for example, and came to a stone stairway hewn out of the rock. I went down the stairs, and at the bottom was a little door on the left, in a little hallway. I opened the door, and this catholic monk with tonsure looks at me. He comes to me and talks to me, but this was at a time when I could not "hear" my guides at all so alas, it was like watching him with the mute button on. He realized this, and he took off some kind of big necklace that he had on and put it over my head, made the sign of the cross on my forehead, bowed, and went back in his room. I wandered back out of the cave, completely mystified at why of all things, some catholic dude would be living in a room downstairs off the right branch of my cave.)

But they don't often do something that, you might say, "contributes to the merge" process.

Well, wait, there was another that actually did...

I was at The Monroe Institute, Jan 2001. I was some ways into the second week (two programs taken together, not generally allowed, for good reason I learned) and we were supposed to be doing some meditation, in the Guidelines program, I can't remember what. I had this really overwhelming sense of needing to do an archetype meditation on Responsibility. This stemmed from an experience in one of the earlier tech-induced "visualization communication experiences" or whatever you want to call it.

So I went to my CHEC unit, which is basically a queen sized bed that is built into a sort of cabinet, with a black curtain that firmly seals on the one open part, so you are sitting in utter darkness. There are headphones and a light and such built into the wall by the bed. I was alone in the room downstairs, right next to the main big-room where we would decompress together, as my roommate, a friend I'd taken with me to the first program, had left. I put on my headphones and got into the darkness and the altered state and fell into an archmed on Responsibility.

When I met IG (inner guide), the first thing I understood when I asked him why I felt like doing this particular meditation, was that I profoundly misunderstood the nature of "Responsibility." To me, it has usually meant what it means (or is felt to mean) on the surface of our culture, our language. It's an ugly word that means some "burden" and "obligation" and "guilt-should-ought" sort of thing. But talking to IG, I realized as a sort of 'insight', that the word is Holy. That responsibility at core is the root of Divine Will. When we take responsibility for a family to shelter them, when we take responsibility for a work project to drive it to success, when we take responsibility for our own destiny, anything, it is a mundane "reflection" of a much higher dynamic that has octaves and harmonics all through our universe.

So I met the arch and I was so astonished that I just stood there for awhile, unsure what the heck to do with him. I've had everything, nearly. These meditations are infinitely creative. I've had a big black-knight chess pieces put a rotary saw blade in the inside of my arm as his exchange. I've had a guy with a big fish head and a harpoon through him. I've had a giant multi-faceted green dripping monster (heh. That was Saturn... when I was 30. I remember when the X-files came out I said about their logo, "Hey, it's Saturn-Green! How apropo."). I've had stuff so weird I can hardly translate it to words.

But this arch, it wasn't just about what he looked like. It was about how I felt about him. Which was, for lack of a better word, wildly drawn to him physically, in a sexy kind of way. Although I'd done some tantric stuff with archetypes before, that was always a deliberate plan and part of a ritual of sorts (don't get too excited about my morals, I was alone...!), I had never FELT that way toward an arch instantly, like I craved them merging into me like I was a sponge.

He was human... mostly. He reminded me of the kind of character that some cheap paperback scifi novel might have. Like a human who is genetically engineered to survive in the incredibly hostile environment of a foreign planet teeming with a combination of monsters and even flora and fauna that would get ya. He had sort of golden hair, not blonde but more like "bright tan". He had totally golden eyes, like a lion. (I once met a 'Lion' archetype a couple times, sitting in for Jesus in an experience. I even noted in them --Lucid dreams, both--"Hey, that reminds me of Aslan!") He was not any unusual size but I had a really strong impression of incredible "strength."

His teeth... were normal and very white except for the canines, which were... ah... sharp. I know, this is a little worrisome as a symbol I suppose, but to me it wasn't anything bad like a vampire but rather, a sign of the "wild" in him. And his skin... now that was the weird part. His skin was like a dark golden tan on his face and so forth but on the main of his arms, chest and legs (he wore something akin to shorts I guess) he had quills! Like a porcupine!--well, except they were a little diff. They were thinner, and softer, although my sense was that when they were made to stand up they were extremely sharp. And they were "lying flat" on his skin, his arms and legs and chest (I just didn't wonder about the rest I admit). I was completely overwhelmed by this 'understanding' that he was literally:

The very embodiment of the Ultimate Warrior.

I gotta give it to IG, this was definitely a whole new perspective on "Responsibility." Archmeds almost specialize in radically changing how you perceive things but that was pretty memorable.

I stood there looking at him, almost panting in desire. I just stared at him. And the meditation ended up being the sexiest seduction scene! And in being so, it seemed to cross some bizarre boundary out of the 'archetypal world' and into -- well, alllllmmmoooosssstttt -- into this world. It was surely as physical as an incubus/succus experience, I think.

He walks up to me, and he moves until he is perhaps 3 molecules from touching my lips with his, and he sort of breathe-growls at me,

You have to want me. You know you want me. Take my power unto you.

If it's possible to just faint away from sheer overwhelming lust I'd have done it about then.

I became aware of myself physically then -- that I was quite literally panting, and I became highly aware of the fact that I was sitting up against the wall on the side of my CHEC unit, in the pitch black. I felt more aware of every inch of my body than I ever had been.

He sort of warm-breathed down the side of my neck to my collarbone and I felt my head, dropping back a little, bump the wall, yet I could still feel him on my skin it seemed like, and he kissed my skin, and then I felt just the hint of his teeth and then---and then he was just... he was just there. There with me. He wasn't totally in the flesh of course... and yet... he wasn't just in the archworld either. HE was "aware" of my whole environment and position, and as we shifted, he was on the bed with me instead of standing in that world, and my legs spread out more as he sort of straddled one of my thighs and slid one hand under my arm and kissed my neck then, just enough of the warm breathe and the edge of sharp teeth to make my entire body hot-shiver.

A part of my mind was observing that this was the most remarkably body-real archmed I'd ever had. EVER. Another part of me was wondering, with a total lack of inhibition, if it would be physically possible to have sex with him right then and there, the sooner the better. Of course the watcher part of me was intellectually wondering if somehow, the combined energy of the people in my course, the overall grounds and psychic-experience level at TMI, and who knows what else, might be contributing to the "amplitude" of the experience.

Meanwhile, he was slowly kissing with teeth my body from one shoulder to the other and now and then leaning up against my cheek and saying in my ear, Ask for me. I am part of you. Tell me you want me. and by that time, as if I were another person, I was panting, yes... yes! A very distant part of my mind, watching the goings on with interest, was thinking with some humor about what this was going to sound like should anybody actually walk past the open door of my room.

He leans against my lips again, his whole body hard and strong against mine, literally pressing me back into the wall along every inch, and he says something like, The acceptance must come from deep inside you; submit to your destiny! (Heh. Well it made sense at the time and I admit I was not really thinking critically at that moment anyway.) I cried Yes! and in response he grabbed both my wrists and pushed them against the wall high above my head, one on either side of me, and I realized that "in real life"---I was sitting there in the CHEC unit with my hands pressed up against the wall on either side of me.

It was if somehow there were three realities going on at the same time: my normal one, the archetypal one, and some meeting in the middle that was a whole third world that "overlapped" with both the others but we were only fully in the center; not "wholly" in one nor the other.

I finally said, Yes. I accept! but just at that moment --

-- this tape at TMI is ending, and Bob Monroe's voice comes on talking about whatever it was we were supposed to do to wind down! LOL! What timing.

I instantly ripped off my headphones with one hand and threw them away from me and went back to what I was doing -- my hand went right back up to the wall.

I put my forehead against his and understood we were finally at the point where this could happen and he pushed against me, as if in sex, but thickly and slowly merged into my body. I couldn't even breathe while it was happening, it was so intense. And when he was finally fully in me, it was like he inverted in some way, so that then he was facing the way I was, and literally it felt as if I were wearing him like I was his skin. All the overtones of sex and fulfillment and so on were present... wowwwwwww.

My arms slid down the wall slowly, and my panting slowed down, and by now my eyes were open and it was light because throwing my headphones had pushed open the curtain and it was a bit light in the room as it was only dusk. I felt this huge need to just lie there and "experience" us together, quietly, alone, for at least a few hours.

Just then, someone pops their head in to tell me that Joe McMoneagle is speaking in the other building and I had to come out and go over there for that. I was staying with Joe and Scooter between and after the TMI courses I was taking, so perhaps this had less effect on me than it would on some people, since I think I muttered something very antisocial at that point. The person said it was not optional. So very grouchily, wanting more than anything to be alone for awhile, I get up and I go over to the place where Joe is going to be talking.

I never was so overwhelmed by the need to be someplace else in my life. I was in utter misery every minute of it. I was so trying to be patient and interested because normally, I totally would be, but I was so wrapped up in the recent experience that all I could think about was how much I didn't want to be in the bright light surrounded by people with someone talking.

And I could feel Responsibility inside me. I could feel this odd "strength" in my hands that I recognized as his. I felt as if, were a psychic to look at me closely or at the right moment just then, they might actually SEE the archetype through me, as if we were two films showing on the same screen or something. I could feel his strength through my body in what I would now call "ghost body" feelings, in RV it's a bit similar, like if you are feeling something that (we assume) someone in the target felt, it's like it's your body yet it's not like some "overlay/over-through".

And I felt this really powerful sense that this had only begun some process, and that what I called "Responsibility" was about "Destiny".

Perhaps this is the kind of meditation only a lonely, middle aged Virgo x4 would have. I suppose the only thing sexier would have been if we were in a library....

.... I am just kidding. Virgo jokes. Not everyone gets 'em.

What was I talking about before I made myself all randy writing this?! Oh yeah. The archetype meditation! So my point was (... a bit long in the making ...) that I guess I have, actually, had archetypes who "actively and autonomously participated in facilitating the merge process."

Actually, hell, after that story, the current one seems so boring as to not be worth bothering with, hahaha!

So back to the vaguely big-headed froggish man with "three rows" of brows at each side and vaguely greenish rubbery skin. I set my process to go on without my direct attention, and that was good as Lu and Ry came back to the car just then and we drove off. I stopped to get gas, and while Lu was filling the car and Ry was getting a soda, I finished the archmed.

When I tuned back in, I saw that the "density and intensity" of mine had grown to really cool degrees, as had his. I looked at them both more closely and I felt that not only had they sort of filled with energy (looking like a light-body, each of them) but that they had then improved the "quality and creativity" of the energy; inside was all kinds of sense of color and curly and so on, like a Mandelbrot fractal in 4D or something.

We each merged into the light-body of the other. It was a really good rush, so I know whatever we did worked. Then we merged into each other. I realized that I'd just done the Four symbology---two male/female merge, then those merge, ending with one. I felt pretty good about it.

I thanked IG for helping. Either I am getting closer to him and can see him better, or he is getting a bit more unusual. He has some kind of small gills at the side of his face. He has spots down the side of his head and neck like a Star Trek "Trill" symbiote-host. (Actually the "symbiote" symbology, for an identity that "lives inside me" really could not be more apropriate!) His eyes are a bit odd, his skin texture is a bit unusual, and I swear he has some very odd fishy-eely-human overlay that I can't quite grasp. I went to him and hugged him and said, "I love that you are so weird. All my other IG's were so normal!"

Then I wrapped it up, and that was that.

But my utter SURPRISE at when this arch actively volunteered and began building his own light-body to pour energy into, for me, makes me think that all my talk here about how I respect the consciousness of everything, and I know everything operates as an identity, yada yada yada... must be on some level, just armchair theory.

Because if I really believed and respected the autonomy of my targets and my archetypes (I am still working out the difference....), I shouldn't be surprised at all.

It seems to me.

Sunday, July 16, 2006


I can't shake the memory of that "Library of Me," and me trying to hang on up high while the entire edifice of bookshelf and contents began to fall into chaos and collapse.

I feel as if this is so literal. As if I can actually feel that inside me, like I am breaking up into many component parts and it's going to be a big tumbling rearrangement of everything. Do you suppose all the kings horses and all the king's men can put me back together again? And what good are the horses supposed to do, anyway?

I've been stressing over job issues, over money issues, over health issues, over child issues, over mate issues, over friend issues, a root canal I needed 10 years ago and didn't get has come back to haunt me and dental stuff is always, for me, my reality-sign of major "fundamental" stuff going on with me. My A/C house system semi-quit working and the heat has been horrible which has made me the dragon lady. I just feel as if every major issue in my life is coming up in my face at the same time for some reason.

My dad just retired two weeks ago, after a year of living in terror about how when this happened they'd be so poor and my stepmom's job (which didn't make much) would be the only thing and since they are to some degree my "stability link" that was worrisome enough. But then tonight they tell me she got fed up and quit her job so they're taking their (old, but new to them) RV and both the cats and they're going to tour Texas and Arizona and so on.... in late July.

Yeah. Alrighty then.

So a little while ago, sitting in the walmart parking lot while Lu The Stoic, commanded by Evil Queen Me, ran in to buy more A/C filters, I did a quick archmed on whatever I needed most right then with a special thought for my life's stability particularly in job/money areas.

The arch was pretty unique. OK, they all are, but really... he was "composed" of a loose mass of short little threads, each one a different color. It looked rather like when you apply graphic color "noise" to an image except the dots were little threads. But then, from around his collarbone, his whole neck and head was stretched waaaaaaay up away from his body, and I had the sense that there was something "in" him that was "distorting his pattern" causing this.

I got into him like a medical thing and removed all kinds of "spacer bars" and other things that seemed designed to distort his body in this fashion. I took a whole bundle of metal-like short posts and such out of him, and dealt with them. Went back to him and apologized for so "mucking up his pattern." Instead of a trade I felt we could merge so I tried it out, and got a decent little rush that tells me it worked at least a little. Got out of it just in time to start the car and leave.

Humor, maybe: my Warder of sorts (in the most delightfully Green way) tells me that as it turns out while I was dreaming of the library of me, he was in something between a dream and meditation where he was in a library where every book had my name in front of a title and each book was some aspect of my life. Neat shared symbology! I was going to do archmed work on that nifty symbol but, the heat has made me really unwilling to do anything but slither around growling at the universe.

Oh yeah! Well I'd planned a second session as the first was short, but blew it and by the time I woke up -- early, actually, especially for a Sunday -- feedback had posted like an hour before. So I'm in the doghouse, I blew it. I had Ry go scan and email me the image right then anyway, I hope better late than never. I can't say any of the data is correct as it turns out there is no feedback except the tasking and target; the "focus" of the target's task is on a "source" of what is seen in the photo. Brief session here.

I read my email and though I don't respond to much these days for time issues, I just want folks who write me about stuff here to know that I read them and I really appreciate them. Sorry I'm an antisocial cretin, glad someone likes me anyway.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Day by Day

Mundania is such a chore. When I have time, I spend it doing very little, and when I don't have time, which is 99.9% of the time (no pun intended), I'm trying to stuff far too much into it, sleeping too little, breathing too little, moving too little, sitting at my computer. Some days I think if I didn't consume food there would be no visible sign that I am alive.

A friend says, "And what are you teaching your child by this workaholism, dedicated to working days for money and nights and weekends for RV and having no time for yourself?" I said, "To marry well."

I went back to the tower last night but didn't really feel capable of dealing with the wall of fear and eventually I left. Then I had a dream last night I do think relates to my issues with the new aspects and internal changes, symbolically. The only part I remember was:

I was in this room like a library, which had a big bookshelf built half-into the wall up to the ceiling. My sense of the room and shelf was that it had a lot to do with what I believe. About... I don't know. Myself, my reality, whatever. The books had that "I know this, I have knowledge, I feel safe!" vibe to them. I was at the very top of the shelf, by the ceiling, standing on the top shelf. I had the sense that I was standing on all these books because they were "my foundation."

Then it started to almost-topple, and I frantically grabbed something like ceiling molding and looked down, and it turned out there was this guy... he was literally like sort of "built into" the wall and shelf. He was trying to break out from being locked in stillness, to be free, but every time he moved, my entire structure of shelving and books starting going chaotic and I had to clutch the ceiling to keep from toppling. I looked at him and I could see that literally, his head held up one of the main shelves like a support beam. There was just no way that he could get clear without my entire structure collapsing in a big mess, and me falling to the floor with it. He could see what was happening, and he didn't want to make me fall, but he did want to be free. I realized that he was going to get that way, and I was going to have to find a way to deal with the inevitable collapse.

Dealing with fundamental things, belief systems, and accepting change... a part of me trying to break out of being held in stillness, to be "free" of all that "knowledge" and that fairly rigid structure of archived information... well it seems like it pertains to my life to me.

I've been working, and doing TKR at night... the only time I have to view, I'm sleep deprived, it's so unfair. (I know... belief systems... my reality has issues.) On the bright side, I hope with real effort I will finish all my work this weekend, and should have the new TKR software in beta by next week with a little luck.

I have always laughed at people going on about mercury being retrograde but for some reason in this particular cycle, I feel as if I can literally feel it. I'm sure I am imagining it. Still. Do you ever have one of those weeks where everything just seems so damned hard. Every little thing.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

The Wall of Fear

The Senior had told me to come to the Tower regularly. But every time I show up, with all those new people ("aspects" or whatever) there, I respond so weirdly. The first few times I was insanely shy, and literally had this feeling of curling up like a kid against one of the Four. Earlier and then again tonight I went to the tower, everybody was there of course, and I realized that what I feel is outright fear. It comes in waves and spots and bombs depending on who I'm looking at.

Last night I had the bright idea that I would attempt to integrate a little (again, it clearly needs far more work) with each of the other aspects. Nero was there and I haven't seen him since whenever I mentioned him last, except "there" peripherally. So I decided to start with him. I faced him, and even him, I just felt extreme "turbulent" fear with, despite that I know he is cool.

My sense was that all these new aspects as a total package are like... hmmn. I used to call the four elementals of soul, "the linoleum theory," like how you look down at some tile and each four create a whole pattern, but then each of the four are linked in different positions into several other 4-patterns, too. Plus, of course, larger patterns. Well it is like maybe I got "the next ring out," like say 16 or whatever, more tiles all around us. I know that all those identities are part of me and when I am able to accept them, and basically "extend myself through them" in doing so, there will be some benefit to this, more power, more identity, more whatever it is that we think is evolutionary. For whatever reason I am having a difficult time with that apparently.

I had such a problem with Nero---I was completely incapable of merging with him at all---that I asked him and my inner guide (who I called to me for the occasion) and they both said sure, I can work in the tower, with these parts of me, just like I work with archetypes. So I laid him out on a medical table and looked at him, knowing there would be something up since I was having such issues with him.

I kept finding these big, kind of heavy-metal pieces of stuff in him, like formed stainless steel pieces of some structure or object that had gotten somehow half-deep into him. I would take each of them out gently, dissolve them and dump them into the waste grill under my feet to be washed out of the body. I turned him over and finally, the last major visible issue was this really big heavy all-metal knife that was in his back but down toward the lower right side a bit. I worked carefully on getting it out of him without pain, and then decided when I breathed and counted to 3 I would totally "let go of the part of myself that is that knife" and transmute the now-seems-separate energy into gold light at the same time. To my astonishment when I did this, it was a totally body-rocking amazing rush of buzzing energy. So... I guess it did SOME good.

Then tonight I went back to the tower and this time really paid attention. I decided that I have to deal with all this fear. I believe I'm having some offbeat side effects in my reality as a result of it in really fundamental areas of life I don't want to screw with (like my job). So I went back, and let myself feel whatever came to me. The amount and variety of fear was just ridiculous.

I asked the other three of me for help and finally the senior put his hand into my heart and I felt that I had the strength to deal with it because I AM, autonomously, and all is me, and I command. Then "she" put her fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through great love, and compassion, and nobility, and infinite flexibility. And then my mate put his fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through sheer courage and skill and toughness. Then I merged with him, and the other two together, and then all into one.

I found myself crying to them that when they left me before (long ago, not on this blog, when they were each "sacrificed," died in my inner world in a deep dream, and I did not see them for a long time after that) I was utterly bereft, and I begged them to please, never ever leave me again. I could feel that somehow my fear with all the others had at least a little relation to my fear about losing The Four.

So I had to figure out how to deal with all the fear which was just too much at once. Recalling an ancient dream where a friend of mine had "a whole jungle" of dark spiky stuff held in "stasis" in a big, endlessly deep blue pool, I decided that this might be the route. I would create a thoughtform to "hold the fear-energy in stasis," and then I would see if I could move it outside me into this thoughtform. Then I could see it. Not sure why but it seemed important that I see it, that it not be just some hidden feeling, but that I could objectify it.

So I imagined a big clear box that would hold the energy, and I went through myself, looking at the various people, letting the waves of fear come in and then imagining gathering all that energy up together and pushing it into the stasis-box, where it would be held safely for me. I had to do this for awhile, on all six sides of this clear cube. Finally I felt that most of my primary fear had been projected into this thoughtform-box and I could now step back and consider it.

There was way too much for the box; it had a real density/intensity as a result. So I imagined that it spread out into a maybe 12" thick whole 'wall' of clear stasis-container. Imagine if a fish tank were floor to ceiling, an entire wall, and about a foot deep, it looked like that. And all the energy was "roiling"---that word came to mind---inside. There were a zillion shades and textures and densities and more.

I found myself just left of center, looking at this yellow-red area and somehow I "knew" that this was the fear related to cowardice. I thought that was curious, given the yellow and wondered if that human association had some good reason for the color it turns out. I walked to the right a little and, like a wall-sized spectrum, it blended into light orange-red, that was a sort of fear of self expression (I associated this with 'creative fear'). Onward to dark orange-red and it became fear that linked into the core of my ego (my 'focus personality' as Seth would put it).

When it reached bright red-red the fear was merely outright terror: no association, no shading, nothing but fear itself (and maybe fear-of-fear). I continued walking to the right and looking into the clear wall, and the energy, still 'roiling' everywhere of course, turned into a sort of red-blue. It felt literally like this was a sort of conscious-"ouchie" bruise sort of fear, like hurt feelings and fear related to things like my looks or my social status and things like that. This blended gradually into a dark, red-purple area of hues, which felt like "deep old wounds" that had never healed, like fear resulting from things that somehow had caused my heart great injury over time. I was at the far wall now, so I turned and walked back to just left of center where I began.

Looking at the yellow-red, I went left then, and the colors shaded into a sort of light muddy red-brown and then darker and darker brown. I felt that this was fear that was filled with biological toxins, essentially fear that if properly vented would be a flu-style bathroom experience, and although all the other shades so far, I had felt were variants on fear-energy, this felt literally like "trash-toxin," something that was not really any energy that needed to be redeemed, but rather, something that just flat-out needed to be vented out of me.

Moving farther to the left, the brown shaded into actual black, and this was really just horrible. My sense was that this was literally toxic in the manner of being disease, on every level, rotting putrid blackness that was beyond mere 'vent this out please' and in need of a HAZMAT crew.

I stepped back then and looked at the entire "wall of fear", with the bright red-red in center and the whole spectrum from left to right. It was a rather odd feeling, to sense that so much of my fear was literally spread out in front of me. I had the feeling that if I were a little better with conscious inner work, I would be able to look into any little part of the wall and focus in and actually 'see' events that had led to or generated the energy in that place.

It was waaaaaay too much to deal with all at once though. I asked IG and the Senior if it would be possible and ok for me to literally leave my fear "in stasis," similar to how my friend had had it. One of them led me to understand that I could do this, but if I did it indefinitely I would have really severe reality and/or health problems from it, so this had to be a very short term thing. I agreed to that. I just wanted to go off and think about it some and ponder on a way of approaching "dealing with" that much stuff at once.

So I closed the meditation. It was time to go view then.

To start my viewing, I always visualize anchoring my kundalini and solar plexus in the core of the earth, and then in the center of galaxy from my crown, and then I imagine the 'string' of energy from one to the other has me, like a shish-ka-bob (haha), and that my spine alines with it. This is no big deal, just about 7-10 seconds on average. So I "sunk me into the core" and realized... felt different. It was like there was no-feeling. Normally when I do this, I feel some vague sense of relief, and a grounding, and an actual affection, for myself as part of earth so to speak, like I am anchoring with mother-energy. As I wondered why it suddenly felt so different, a sort of "insight" came to me, about myself and this process:

The good emotions are actually a side-effect of chronic low-level fear of being separated from self, from that which is part of me. As my fear was held in stasis at that moment, the other emotions didn't follow-on, and I was able to understand that dynamic. I had this sort of reminder -insight: All fear is based on fear of separation from self.

I sort of just sat with this for a few moments, waiting for it to make a little more sense to me. Then I understood that this directly relates to my fear in the Tower, and the reason why mysteriously I was blurting out "Don't leave me!" to the other 3 of 4 earlier. They are a part of me, and although it took me years to accept the larger-me that includes them, now I fear losing them. All the other aspects that the Senior brought to the tower for integration, they make me feel threatened, on many levels, all about loss of self in a few ways, but also loss of the core of us four.

I had this idea that the reality of the universe is something like, "It never was me. It always is me." that I would realize the whole question of what is a part of me vs. separate from me is actually a nonsequiter: in some fashion, there is no such thing. Everything both totally is part of me, and totally is not (I know this makes no sense in linear words, but it does to me in some ineffable way), and hence I can never actually "lose or gain" anything. Facing the "gain and acquisition" of the additional aspects, highlights the flip side of the same belief: that if I can gain parts of me, I can lose them too. Neither are really accurate. In reality, we are all and nothing, and it's just a matter of what we are willing to "extend our attention to."

No FB on the session till this weekend. Hoping to do another on that target.

Before I closed up my lab book (which is both a session book and magical diary of sorts), I had the thought that the wall of fear might require actual divine intervention to properly deal with, of the Jesus - Michael - Sun variety. I will have to do that another night, though. I have to work early.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Giant Mutant Sand Worms

No, but really....

So my "archetypal 'relationship' approach" to viewing had three good sessions. I did two more sessions on a target for daz's group.

The target turned out to be Chernobyl.

My FIRST session was on a high technology of metal with several rods or protrusions, situated in some kind of material I suspected was coolant as I couldn't lock on gas or fluid, which generated massive energy, was in an enclosed space, and was not good for human bodies. (Not an event, though, which was the task focus.)

My SECOND session was on these giant sandworms whose bodies are used for a manufacturing material by a people living inside the tubes of them underground. In fact, in retrospect, it looks like some massive AOL drive on the Mars tubes except I didn't think of the Mars tubes while doing it until the very end (when I had this visual of something on a track up high and made a connection to Ernest L. Norman's "The Truth About Mars" book which had something like that, and then all the other data seemed potentially similar if impossible, and at that point I decided I was offtarget and quit, so I'm not sure how that could have affected the session).

Go figure. And I felt guilty as I was s/b doing LD's task instead. Karma maybe, heh.

I was very tempted to only give them my first session, and I wish I had. The joy and tears is here.

So . . . was the second session a punishment. Was it on a completely different target, or the same place a million years later. Typical of aol-drive it was amazing how consistent it was LOL. Weirdly it ALSO had the tech but like a minor sidenote, like it wasn't the focus.

The experiences were incredible! I mean totally interactive! It was just like a good archetype med, sometimes even better. The arch would show up and do something, I would interact, and then I'd be having an entire "experience" like either seeing a movie or literally being in a 3-D world but like in astral form. I had a helluva lot of fun despite being, as I often joke, "Off on Mars," which actually in this case may be a hilarious pun. (No. I do not think Mars has giant sandworms. I just think I tuned into some bizarre science-fiction scenario.)

The only minor quirk I can see with my focus is that on the second session, rather than focusing on "the target tasked for the group right now" as I had the first time, I "called the part of me" that I had given to the archetype-target.

The first thing it told me was that how I had presented it, and kind of made it in my mind, that I wrote down previously, was wrong ("It wasn't a celtic knot") which was a rather odd way to say hello now that I think about it. Maybe that should have been a sign? I don't know.

The only refocussing I did was through the gold threads, rather than specifically on "the target I'm going to get feedback on for this session". Perhaps that's where I went wrong. Did I accidentally retask myself, if my definition of the threads was 'wrong' and that's what I was viewing-from?

Well, live and learn! Every day's a new day.

If nothing else it was a good exercise. I am getting better at allowing myself to be led, at allowing experiences and visuals to unfold.

The ironic thing is that the reason I chose daz's target is because I'd had several good sessions with the method and figured that based on probability alone, I was probably going to eat it really bad on something, so I wanted a human tasker to maybe help me a bit with something more interesting. Only after, did I realize I'd have to join the group for FB. Then he offered me private FB without that but alas, not till after I'd joined, and that would have been kind of rude to leave then! Anyway, so a part of me wonders if my "expectation that I was going to have a session way off," as like an ego-response to having done well previously, literally created that reality. Be careful what ya believe in, I guess.

Still. OK it may be totally off target but as far as session experience goes, I think this is one of my favorites. ;-)

Edited later to add:

OK, now here is an interesting, offbeat situation. Shortly after I gave my tasker (Daz in that case) my sessions, and he saw the entire session on 'giant mutant sand worms', he gave me "additional feedback" of sorts -- this blew the protocol completely out of the water of course -- an article that he had recently been reading and thinking with intrigue about, which suggested that the fallout of the Chernobyl meltdown (our target) had caused "mutation" in worms of the region. I am not making this up. So did I have that entire stunningly-vivid "interactive" session with the people living underground using giant mutant sandworms as primary survival material because my tasker was really thinking on this at the time I viewed, and associating it with the target he'd tasked? Or because I got information about it later? Or perhaps just because doing ok at RV isn't exciting enough so I need something really cosmic and weird to keep myself entertained? Who knows? But it hardly seems like coincidence.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Movie Dreams

I had the funniest "movie dream" early this morning.

My dreams are so silly! But they are a lot of fun anyway. I like the ones that are "whole linear experiences" like this one.

He was a friend of mine from another world. (He looked like Kevin Spacey, bald, who plays the bad guy in the current Superman movie, but who was a good guy in my dream.)

"I have to go back. I have to tell them that we're asleep, and totally under control," he said with grief for his people. Somehow, by "waking up," and by ... climbing out when no authorities were around to stop him, he had made it to my world.

He should have been home free, but he couldn't stand it. To me it seemed rather pointless---who would believe?---but he was determined. I shrugged, accepting that perhaps this was his destiny, and he concentrated, and a big hole opened in the floor of my house (which somehow, was at the top of a many-storied building), and I could see through this big square opening down into what seemed a whole 'nuther world of little tiny people.

He had a piece of paper in his hand which he wadded up into a ball and he jumped in---but as he did, this bizarre wind caught me and took me with him. At first it kind of scared me, but then I accepted it, realizing there was nothing I could do. We fell slowly, shrinking as we did, and finally landed (surprisingly softly to me) on the ground, which was a cement courtyard type area of this little world.

Then we saw the piece of paper, which by now seemed the size of a giant ball 3 stories high coming right down on top of us but more slowly, and we took off running to the side to get out of its way. As the paper ball gently hit the ground and rolled a bit there was shouting, and some kind of 'authorities' came running to investigate the ball. We hurriedly got out of the way, making our way out of the courtyard and following some path into what seemed a large hallway.

The large hallway turned out to be a street. But the street was a bit narrow, and there were apartment-like housing stacked several (around 5) stories high, and then the buildings on each side ended in some kind of roof or ceiling that went across the street, as well, so the whole area was enclosed. I didn't like it much, as it was immediately apparent there was no way out except through the openings at the far sides of the street. It was almost like this whole world was "one thin layer." (I've had that impression before of "frequencies which operate as a whole reality." But I wasn't aware of that in the dream.)

We walked the street acting casual. The people didn't look any different to me than people of my own world. There was music playing from somewhere, as if piped into this neighborhood. It was a song from my own world, and yet an old one, and I wondered if it was possible that there was some interaction between our worlds; like, how would they get our songs? It was some insipidly pop 80's tune, and my friend kind of groaned. Apparently this upbeat song--- which, surreally, seemed to actually BE making all the people on the street seem "upbeat"--- was to my friend an announcement of something else.

The human traffic on the street all began going one way at each end, and we were forced to walk a little faster ("upbeat!") until we were out of that "neighborhood" and all around a courtyard on this end of it, looking just like it had on the other side, were something like desks. Like a big library sort of. Except each desk looked like it was a dark-tinted lucite, a glass effect but not glass, and was small, and a person sat down at a stool by it but instead of doing something on the desk, they actually looked "into" it. It appeared that the people were choosing movies to watch, in some great enthusiasm, and I had the feeling that "every night was movie night" here.

My friend was starting to look like he was panicking. He was standing almost frozen at one side, me next to him, as the other people milled about choosing their movies from tall spinning racks. It didn't look like the rack actually held a movie; just some kind of picture-card. A man in a suit appeared, and somehow I knew he was "one of the movie librarians" and he said to us, "And what will you be watching tonight?" I started to say it didn't matter, but then realized everybody else was excited about choosing a movie, and acting casual might make me look suspicious. My friend was still sort of stuck as if in nervousness so I said, "Oh, we wanted to watch this one!" and I grabbed the closest item to me and handed it to the librarian.

"Movie-Visa," he said, casually but expectantly. I froze. I thought maybe this part was what my friend had been scared about. "Ah... we forgot them!" I said with the most charming grin I could manage. The man was totally silent, looking at us speculatively, and I knew that we had made him suspicious. He said, "Well we'll let it pass tonight, but bring it tomorrow." I sighed in relief, and we followed him as he walked toward two empty desks. My friend had the look, though, that this wasn't ok; that we'd probably got ourselves in big trouble, maybe? I wasn't sure.

We sat down at the desks. I could see into mine quite literally; it was very dark tinted, but I could see that each desk was literally, totally open inside, and that the ground under the desk didn't exist, as if the whole thing were a shell and whatever happened, was 'beamed' up from underneath or something. The man pressed a button on both of the desks and said calmly, "These two have forgotten their visa." He said it casually, but with a tone that told me that this had a major significance to whomever he was speaking to. A few seconds later, I saw dimly that inside my desk, someone had come up underneath -- literally it was as if the 'ground' were just lower than head-height to a level underneath, and the head of a man popped up down inside the desk, dim but visible to me behind the tinted lucite-like surface. Except it wasn't a man, it was an alien creature that looked a great deal like a Klingon. I wondered if all the people here knew that their movie equipment was being run by bad tempered aliens. Somehow I doubted it.

Something finished, the guy ducked out from the inside of my desk and I could see, appeared in my friend's. A few seconds later he disappeared from there, and it was time for our movies. I can't remember what it was that we were watching, but it seemed a harmless, happy enough movie to me. I leaned over the desk, watching as it began.

I could feel that there was something more. I could feel that there was something that was tracking the very detail of my eye movement, and I had this vague memory of my "other life" where this was a real laser technology. (What I couldn't bring to mind during the dream was that it was the mind-control tech in the movie "Looker" with Susan Dey. As a coincidence, I am pretty sure (not 100%) that the guy who invented that laser tech, or had some leading role in it anyway, is the guy who founded the IRVA. Of course, the idea that it is used for mind control is purely movie paranoia! One assumes.)

I could feel that somehow, my "reaction" to stuff in the movie was being recorded, as if by some computer that could interpret so much about my mind and body through this, that I was being "read" like a book. I had the feeling that there was something "extra" in my desk due to the guy who'd done something, that was specific to my allegedly having forgotten my movie-visa. I had the feeling, as much a psychic sense as anything, that they were attempting to "track our patterns" to match with their database to see who we were.

But I watched the whole movie with no incident. I was very unusually "moved" by it though, especially given it seemed a lighthearted fun movie. I felt as if on some level, it just downright touched my soul. Weirdly, I felt as if my friend had been in the movie, and yet with me, and that we had interacted with each other "in the movie world," and my response to our "relationship" in the movie seemed far more powerful than any response I had to the movie itself. I wasn't sure how this was possible, and I was musing about it when two people walking quickly, a man and a woman, passed us in the street-hall. She was crying, and he was angry and it was very clear that they were feeling this way about each other, and that the movie "relationship" had caused this.

My friend watched them, still quiet---he had been so quiet since we arrived!---and I felt, from the look on his face, that this was the core of everything. That this was how his whole world was controlled, why they were "asleep" as he put it. I had the feeling that the movies could cause one person to be completely ostracized by their tiny society in the hallways which seemed to hold about 100 tiny apartments each. I had the feeling that two or more people could be made to feel any way about each other, depending on "the controllers" and their plans. I had the feeling that anybody who was not happy would be made happy, or would find themselves in a movie that maybe seemed to go on for years of terrifying imprisonment. It suddenly occurred to me that my friend might have feared the movie would make me lost to him, or hate him or something, and that he was trying fiercely not to care, knowing that he might have to abandon me at any moment for his own survival.

We were walking down the big hallway and everybody was disappearing into the buildings on either side. We didn't have a house, and pretty soon that was going to be apparent, I realized, and we would stand out to the authorities. I wondered how on earth my friend ever hoped to get through to his people. I had the impression that he hoped to get into the "underworld," the one just beneath his, where the movie technology was. I wasn't sure he had any plan at all beyond that one. We were nearly the only people on the street now, and I felt almost naked, as the street was long and straight with no place to hide. One of the guys in uniform that I considered an authority casually strolled into the end of the street from one of the courtyards, and on seeing us, appeared to know us. I realized that we were in deep trouble...

...but just then, I woke up.

Poor guy. I hope I didn't leave him there alone. Or maybe some part of me is still there, hoping for Soul Retrieval? LOL.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Seeds and Weeds

One of the things about experimenting is, sometimes you don't really know if you are walking a path with potential... or one destined to failure for something so stupid you'll be whacking your forehead about how could you have missed it... or just some ordinary, meaningless path that your desire to be experimental is making into a big drama-queen head-trip Adventure with a capital A, when really it just ain't no thang, as the saying goes.

I did another session along the same lines as the last one. A few have worked so great for me in this "relationship" model I've been working in, that I've been excited about it all.

I realized when beginning the connect phase that if it's easier for me to 'expect' the target to provide me a symbol of something, like a person, to 'communicate' with about the initial phase, that's fine too. So I did.

When it came to putting some of my energy into some form that I could put 'on or in' the archetype---or in this case, give to the target-symbol---I "understood" that it wanted something specific. Instead of just imagining pouring energy into a little ball and handing it over, which was my conscious intent for a moment, I felt obliged to go over my entire body pulling out "threads" of this gold-light-energy. I mean my whole body, head to toes, back and front, as if it was important that there be some representative energy from all over.

I felt intrigued by this; it's always the spontaneous, surprising stuff that has the most power in archetype work and I didn't consciously think of this. I then held in both my hands a heaping group of energy strings, looking much like regular strings would in some respects, about 8-9" long each and several dozen of them. I wasn't sure what to do with them, but it "felt right" to let them settle into a neat bundle--they looked silky like hair then--- and then to twist this into a shape that sort of tied in what looked like a Celtic knot. Then I gave it to the representative, and he indicated that was ok and it was clear that he had a specific . . . "criteria" for this and I had met it acceptably.

This made me feel a bit odd, not bad at all, just wondering... my archetypes as I've worked with them for years, may change or heal or whatever on their own schedule, in their own way, and have their own communication, but it has always been me who 100% drove that show. Suddenly it feels as if I'm having to put my experience where my armchair is: all that talk about "mutual" and "equal relationship" and "respect" and I find I'm being forced to acknowledge exactly that, when despite my theories, apparently I still had a comfortable "superior and in control" perspective (if my surprise on not feeling much of either is any clue!).

I wondered, so is the archetype (which is the target, even though in my normal work the archetype is always ME, yet we're working on the assumption that the universe, target and me are all part of the same continuum here... ouch! my brain hurts!)---is the archetype-target, prior to the session, telling me something about its nature, or the nature of my connection with it?

OK so then in the session, I feel as if it's going fine. (No FB yet.) Then, this is funny: the element of "string theory" --- specifically, Serpienski strings (a type of fractal I believe) --- ended up in the session, and I gotta ask myself, ok, WHAT are the odds that something bizarre like that in a session would be following on something in the intro of me pulling out little strings all over me? I don't know if it means anything more than me picking up on me, or if the session data was in fact wrongly affected by the intro---but still I found it intriguing.

At the end of the session---or rather, some ways in---I had such a massive AOL on the target I'd done just previous that I had to quit viewing altogether. In retrospect I see that it really was AOL, so I'll be doing another session, ignoring that and picking up the earlier stuff where I left off... and we'll see if I can successfully, surgically resuscitate the data. ;-)

So then, going into the session after that, I had the feeling that I need to establish a typical, consistent doorway for this contact. By that I mean, archetype work has the inner-space "cave" in the Inner Guide shamanic format, and it has rituals in various occult formats, most things do have some kind of standard visualized environment and process for the "connection."

I felt that my inner space cave was not the place to do this. Don't know why, but I feel that it is not appropriate there for some reason. Nor my typical area where my Four and regular guides are. Nor my physical environ either. I felt there was something I'm missing, something that a subconscious part of me was saying, "Do it like this, this is the good, solid, appropriate approach." I can actually "feel" under the surface of me, a "mental model, thought-form construct" that is what is... good for this. I just haven't had it come through yet.

In the next session I spent like 15 minutes trying to get an intuitive handle on how to start this off properly and ended up snoring. Sigh. Chronic sleep deprivation sucks. Every time I've tried to view for 2 days I fall asleep. Yes I know I need sleep but I don't have time. Grrrr.

My earlier session, which in retrospect, although a diff experience, made me think: when I went through the data, I saw all these amazing parallels to the previous session I'd done 2 days before. This made me wonder: could it be that I did not "disconnect" sufficiently? You know, like viewers talk about detox from target, well is there some disconnect ritual kind of necessary when you are trying to make such a deep connection as I am with them, an actual permanent exchange of energy with the target as an archetype?

And is my reality going to freak out if I start doing all these sessions that amount to archetype meditations? I've only worked on MY archetypes and the results are staggering; this is real magic in the most profound form. Now I'm working on... um... are they still "my" archetypes? Does viewing something connect me with it ("putting it into my reality" you might say) in such a way that this "internal blueprint of communication and energy exchange" makes it no different than me meditating on a life situation or my Sun?

I do rather feel like I'm walking a path that hasn't got any kind of road at all. The closest I find is a combination of Seth (Jane Roberts), Crowley, Edwin Steinbrecher, and my own years of offbeat experience with 'active meditations', identities, etc. I'm not sure if I am blazing a useful trail, or if I'm just meandering through the psychic gutter making a big deal of every can I have to kick out of the way. It feels right, though. It feels like this is something that is really important to me, and that I am supposed to find, but that I am just at the beginning.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Angels and HAARPs

It was time to go do the weekly TKR Mission. I used the experimental approach I've been trying lately where I see the session as a relationship between me and the target.

I ended up calling my Inner Guide who recommended the same process as used for working with archetypes---that I use my energy to create some object that I place on or in the target. But I was sleepy and I kept kind of tuning out into zombieland initially. Finally, I got into the session, having spaced through actually giving over my "energy construct", but apparently... some part of me, or the target, wasn't going to let that slide. I had this archetypally- autonomous- experience where this giant structure, bigger than a vehicle but smaller than a house, came crashing down onto a street where I was standing, sliding right up next to me nearly like a plane crash, and it's this big bizarre shape, and then I realize--kind of taken aback by the suddenness of all this--that it's a giant cash register, drawer open! Like, Give it to me! Put it in here! hahaha!

Then I was sort of disconcerted. Wow. Just because I SAID interactive didn't really mean I was ready for the target to be, er, that interactive. "Show me the money! You promised!" was the gist of it, except energy was the payment.

I had this brief wonder if every RV session is going to be an archetype meditation for me. This would have fairly enormous reality-impact.

Then I wondered if there was going to be pieces of me all over the universe thanks to me doing this archetypal trade with every target?? But that would be silly really, since I trade energy, atoms and attention and even healing with zillions of sources already, so how would it matter.

I had fun in the session. I really 'felt' it, I just LOVE the "experiential" kind of sessions. It's in the galleries. I noticed in my presentation session, seemingly by accident---it just didn't seem 'so relevent' to me when doing the gathering for that presentation---I left out some data that I suppose some would consider negative. Then I had this guilt trip about whether I am morally obliged to share at least if I'm doing public session work with others in the public. I still am not sure how I feel about it. Finally I posted it along with the orig here.

Anyway. Not perfect but not bad, though a bit on the wordy and symbolic side, but still enough fun to inspire me to do it more regularly. I think I will stay with this particular approach for at least a few weeks. My last experiment ended up with me unable to hit the broad side of a barn for nearly a month, it was just horrible. But then, that's what experimenting is about I guess.

I thought the moment in the session where I saw what I thought was a female angelic was interesting, given the name is HAARP. Heh. I'm easily amused I guess.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

Psychic Families

A dream:

I met a man who had been (and/or was, but I think 'had been') a viewer in 'the program' (US gov't program). I had never known of him, and was very surprised to discover his role there and meet him. I saw him so clearly visually, it was just mind boggling! He had dark hair, and he was a really big guy.

There was a woman who had grown up feeling like an orphan, and then it turned out he was her father. But later, more than once I heard myself saying to somebody, "My uncle was part of that program. What are the odds?!"

I kept going back around him, and he acted like he couldn't decide if he was really happy to meet me, or felt weird about it for some reason I wasn't clear on.

At one point, he picked up a couple offbeat things in his hand. I felt that one was fire and one was wind, somehow, yet they were objects. He began walking off (to go use them). I realized that they were used as a prop during psi, in a sort of negative RI kind of way. He realized that I realized, and he looked at me sadly, like that wasn't who he wanted to be, and yet was.

I saw that a friend was online. I was in the TKR forum yet somehow there was a chat right on the front of it, too. I tried to tell him how this guy turned out to be related to me, how he was an expert viewer, how amazing and weird it all was, but every time I tried to type something to him, bizarre symbols came out instead of letters... so I couldn't communicate.

I found that I was staying (living) with this man, who was going to have some hand in working with me (on psi). But it was a bit of a rude surprise, as first thing, he actually expected me to get up in the morning and exercise! --- which I protested greatly, as I saw no relation to RV for this. It turned out he could be quite the dominating bellowing bully when he chose to be. Grouchily, I prepared to get out of bed and exercise.

And then I woke up. Heh.

I suppose my mind is making up some symbols to relate to my change of focus, or something.

{note posted much later: that 'identity' in the dream, an archmed later named as 'Ben'.}