Cave of Gold

I was quick-browsing some email archives online at the dojo info site, when I came upon a few posts I had forgotten about. I actually had once tried to find these, knowing I'd written them down, but couldn't, so I'm delighted I stumbled on them.

Odd because there is a small parallel between a dream I posted not long ago (either here or on mypsiche blog) about this golden thing 'growing' in a cave.

This dream recorded might have been the accidental beginning of my targets-as-archetypes in remote viewing. It is circa 2003 sometime.

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Several days ago my practice target was Green Lake in the Carlsbad Caverns. I was happy with the (brief? ) session. But during it I had this subtle sense of being... vast.

As an Aspect recently suggested I try and get in contact with targets AFTER feedback--consciously--I decided to try this, to see if I could figure out what in this target caused the 'vast' feeling. So I looked at the pic and tried to tune into the cave in general.

It was a nice meditation but I didn't find anything.

I went to sleep about an hour later, and had the most amazing dream. Like many of my so-called 'spiritual' dreams, it had what I call my 'elementals of soul'--another female and 2 males, but we are also all one.

In the dream, we were looking for a cave. In the cave, was a secret; it included gold. Somehow the concept of gold was bigger than a pretty mineral though. We had to find the cave, first.

There was a bad guy and his minions, also looking, racing us. The bad guy was not evil actually, more like an adversary than enemy, he was just very aggressive. We went to where two caves, next to each other, had all his guys in there with big lights and machinery, looking for the treasure.

But if we looked 'between' the caves, and then didn't really look, only sort of peripherally, and then 'allowed' our vision to work itself out like with those 3D pictures, we could see the tiniest glimmer of something, 'between' the caves. We followed it, and we found ourself in another, hidden cave between those.

I understood that we were able to see it because we were not just looking for what was 'physical' but for a greater 'understanding'.

Inside the cave we'd found, was an amazing amount of precious stuff. But it was weirdly entwined with the cave. For example, stuff sort of like furniture, much made completely out of gold, was actually part rock, as if somehow, all this stuff had *grown out of* the cave's rock itself, not been created by man or placed there.

Then I felt The Cave. Not self-aware, but aware. Not an identity, but a consciousness. I felt vast. And I suddenly understood what I'd been looking for before I went to sleep: the sense was the cave. Maybe it was my lifelong fascination with caves, or my incredible appreciation upon feedback, who knows. But in the dream, I had that sense to the Nth degree: I was basically 'in rapport with' the consciousness of a cave. (That particular cave? Who knows? A cave, is all I know. )

It wasn't a verbal/word communication. But I understood that we could not get the gold from the cave. I had a thought, in response to this, about how the bad guys would come in and just blast it loose from the rock. The cave showed me an image of some people trying to steal the gold, and it suddenly liquifying and melting them (there were huge amounts of gold there). (I know. My dreams are like the psychic Indiana Jones, lol! )

And then finally, what the cave was trying to get across to me hit me: we had to GET the cave to GIVE us the treasure.

We had to have a sense of love and appreciation and acceptance--all combined, which equalled a feeling somewhat like 'gratitude' but more--sort of making love, appreciation proactively--and the cave, if we had this proper state of mind, would show itself to us, would "give itself to us" voluntarily.

My memory of the rest of the dream is in pieces. We had acquired ourselves a shaman to 'guide' us through the caves, for when we would find it. He was small and had really long black hair, dark skin like a native or south american. He was able to 'morph'. The other female-Aspect was ready to kiss him in thanks for his help, when he morphed into a young, beautiful woman. She refused to be taken aback, and kissed him anyway, and he (she? ) grinned; I understood that she had scored a point in his eyes for recognizing him as him and not caring about his appearance.

The only other thing I remember is a bit black, lol. A little kundalini going on I would guess. The 'bad guy', a very large brawny bully sort, we had caught him. We had no desire to harm him, but after keeping him to talk to, we were simply going to let him go-- abandon him. He had no shirt on, and it was late night and really cold outside in what seemed like a desert. I kept morphing our vehicle as an old-west wagon or a station wagon. He was standing in the back of the wagon--cold--and we were ready to leave.

The shaman, who had a rather twisted sense of humor I might add, went in young beautiful female form to the wagon, put a really big red sleeping bag in it, and crawled inside it. We knew that between his cold and his approach to women, he would crawl inside with her before long, no matter what she said. Alas for him, one of the other forms the shaman could take was a large math of writhing snakes.

LOL. Like I said, Indiana Jones dreams.

But having thought about this for a few days, something comes to mind for me. One time in... years ago, anyway, when I was thinking about RV all the time and having the most incredible dreams (like 'the frequencies of telepathy' and seeing chakras, like one that looked like a million-colors-of-gold feather fan across a woman's forehead, or things like that? ), I woke up one morning and was able to 'grok' something of my dream before it faded away, while it was still interactive with me.

It was, "...it images itself for you." And I understood at the time what it meant: that it was not me looking at a separate, unaware thing... the target, the information, WANTED to be known, wanted to show itself off in its own way.

Somehow, this reminds me of that dream, that insight. How the cave had to 'give us' the gold.

It made me think that perhaps it was a nice allegory to 'intent' in remote viewing.

PJ

Magick, Remote Viewing and the Scientific Method

Probably the most intriguing facet of Remote Viewing when I first heard about it was that it combined the unpredictable, sometimes chaotic, usually confusing, wild "psychic" stuff I'd been experiencing spontaneously for years anyway, with the planned, carefully approached, decently documented, experimental "scientific method" of RV protocol. It combined the opposites.

(Never mind that when I began my studies I was fooled, like most of the public, into thinking RV protocol was a psychic method you paid money for, rather than a science protocol. It still amounted to this in my expectations.)

I can't say that this is what brought me to ceremonial magick or Thelema before RV, because it was the regular deep dreams, the seeming connection to both Crowley and even Regardie (oddly) at some astral level, and that overall "meant to be" sense that I documented in Bewilderness that led there. However, once I was IN the O.T.O. and at least bothered to talk with a couple people and read a book or two, I have to say that it's the same things about magick that most impress me and draw me to the Art, even still.

I have done very poorly at the professional level of documentation I would like to have taken with my viewing over the last dozen years; I have never "gotten around to" making it a formal effort, although I've worked my butt off on many related things which certainly take planning and documentation (such as dynamic programming).

My irregular, fractured schedule, my having slept through hundreds of session attempts in my years of sleep deprivation, my chronic sessions done in 4-12 minutes while sitting in a car in a store parking lot (grabbed the only chance I had), my split between online working in TKR at the Dojo Psi vs. on-paper working as usual, and general laziness and disorganization I suppose, have contributed to most of my viewing being a fairly casual but ongoing experiment. This isn't what I had in mind initially and it's not what I have in mind now, so I hope to improve that situation before long here.

The thing which most affects my viewing is this: it is, and has always been, "experimental." Although I temporarily adopted CRV when I was first learning, I've been experimenting since shortly after that and ever since.

I wanted to know, what matters? If I lie on my bed with my feet on the wall and use a purple pen writing diagonally on an accounting pad, rather than my proper posture clean white paper and black pen sitting at a desk CRV, does that work? Sure. Does mellowing to where I can hardly function rather than using the totally-alert approach work? Sure. Does doing it by voice, or while near-sleeping, work? Sure. Does imagining a projection out of body or bilocation, rather than imagining the signal line beaming into my head, work? Sure. Does changing the method stages around, repeating a stage, or (insert one of 100 variants) work? Sure.

In fact, over time, I eventually realized that since everything seemed to work, the question was probably more about to what degree a given thing might "interfere with" what seemed to be the innate human ability to utilize psi for information acquisition.

In other words, the public (including me) had been sold a philosophy that said, "If you have our Secret Sauce™, you too can get psychic data!" but it was looking more and more like everybody could innately get psychic data. Which meant that first off, indoctrinating people to project responsibility for this onto a method rather than the individual was a problem for several reasons I'm sure are obvious.

(Initially it led me to dark wonderings about why this was done, but I decided this was ignorance eventually, combined with stubborn intent, but not, or at least probably not, any devious plan on the part of the individuals involved. Which isn't to say they didn't and don't serve some other plan unintentionally.)

It also meant, secondly, that the issue of that method, rather than being the carved in stone "You cannot change this because you can't get that data without it" philosophy marketed for $sale, was obviously just a huge variable. Plenty of people were using variations. There were essentially dialects of CRV, there was TRV and SRV and TDS and so-called ERV, and I myself was experimenting not only with all of those as well, but with my own ideas, and something akin to none-at-all -- and it was working just as well as the original ever had, it appeared.

Occasionally someone would report this wasn't true for them, however, there was no way to see whether that was as much their own belief system effect as anything; it wasn't true for everybody, in any case. The "didn't work 'cause I varied" played out even with differing methods, depending on what people had begun with, suggesting maybe indoctrination had more to do with that than any objective quality of the methodology.

As far as more structured experiments, I've mostly pursued a few, basically my inventions as far as mixing it with RV, which is not to say that it is a good thing, or a bad thing either--it's simply arbitrary. I'm going to talk about them in future posts so I am setting the stage here. There have been about a dozen, but the ones I am still interested in and documenting are:

1) Combining chakra-meditations with the session focus, which I call Chakra-RV. I ended up doing little on this, my friend did several. I intend to get back to this.

2) Combining aspect-psychology with the session focus, which I call Aspect-RV. This eventually blossomed into an entire approach, bigger than the original idea. I intend to get back to this as well.

3) Combining archetype-meditations with the session focus, which I call Archetype-RV.

4) Interacting with the data itself, as a sort of archetype meditation approach but without the archetype. I didn't name this as it ended up folding into the archetype approach... sort of. I don't always do this but it often happens by accident.

5) Assigning myself to dream, whether lucid or normally, about targets. I didn't name this and it didn't work out very well for me so I dropped it. I do dream about them on occasion and it's usually deeply shamanic and moving, but seldom helpful data-wise unless the quiz is on metaphysics. ;-) But I do still want to work with doing this on ongoing issues (such as multi-task sessions where FB doesn't come until later.)

Over the years I've used half a dozen different methods for session as well as cool down approaches. Currently I'm in the archetype model so my cooldown is an archmed.

Also, currently I consider the feedback experience to be a whole area worth development on its own merits and am gradually building that out as part of the process.

More on the specifics of each approach later.

I've been reading some magick stuff online lately, and it makes me miss it. Not magick, that permeates us of course, but the mindset, the conscious and deliberate intent to make something better of oneself and to experiment, and document results, in a more formal way.

I'm going to work on applying a lot more of the proper magickal tradition to my RV in this regard.

For those unfamiliar with the ceremonial magick traditions, this means having what some call a 'magickal journal' -- I call it an RV lab book :-) -- and into that goes plans, ideas and thoughts, your dreams, rituals and results, and so on. It means mapping out a course of disciplines for yourself and following them, to build will/intent and self-control, as well as to build a strong relationship between yourself and your Holy Guardian Angel, or Higher Self, or God, Jesus, or whatever it is you personally believe in. It means setting a plan for your psychic explorations, so they actually get done, and so some degree of intelligent design is behind them.

Prior to Thelema and ceremonial magick the only thing I had encountered, distantly, related to magick was Wicca. These people are not similar in the way that people majoring in engineering are not similar to people majoring in 17th century French poetry. If we were to render these into magical archetypes, the wiccans would be little flying garden sprites with nature magic, and the thelemites would be sorcerors. Not the same animal at all, generally.

The bright side of the Thelemic tradition in OTO is that it's very hands-off when it comes to style. Although there is a doctrine -- Liber al vel Legis, or, "The Book of the Law" (a truly bizarre little book), the idea is that each person interprets it according to their own reading, prayer, and appeal to AC's writings. So for me for example, it is not literal in many places that sound very literal, and it is very literal in places that sound quite mystic. I'm sure to others it's different.

Crowley made a point of setting the group and approach up in this way, and the entire philosophy of Thelema relates to individuality (which, like all pure ideals, is often best explored through its polarity. Or in another way of putting it, many people find christ consciousness, so to speak, via service to others, or recognition in others). So theoretically, members of the Order and church can be--and are--wiccans, buddhists, gnostic christians, and many other theologies. For that matter, if I choose to explore myself and my higher self and my universe via archetypes and remote viewing, that is just as fine as exploring it through gematria and scrying and ritual.

The church behind that organization provides structure (and a long list of regulations mostly designed to keep the church out of court or prosecution, e.g., the organization is almost fanatically against drug use within any ritual or formal setting. Which probably explains why many of the members are equally in favor of it in my observation LOL), and the various groupings of people (which vary radically in personality, experience and philosophies, be warned) provide some structure for group ritual, initiations, social and family extensions, and sometimes classes and events. But the personal approach to spirituality is completely up to the individual. Which is the only reason I can be a Thelemite and also belong to the Madonna Ministry, a group of new-age-like healing-arts sorts with a Marian (divine feminine) focus, despite that Liber al actually has some shocking rants that sound anti-Mary within it (which I do not actually take literally, but more culturally). You would think my soul would implode somewhere in the middle but they are not mutually exclusive at all.

Anyway. Aside from the side effects of early-level magick which seems to result in doctrine spouting power tripping lunatics--humorously, just as nearly any other religious approach does--the larger vision of ceremonial magick, and its studied, practical, planned, documented, experimental approach is right up my alley. Being a Thelemite is something one is or isn't without regard to any religion or affiliation of course, but the archetype of the magickian is a model I admire. I have a couple of goals for 2008 so far but I think a more formalized model of documentation and practice is going to be one of them.

Organizing Spirit

They say that Consciousness Is An Organizing Principle. Well I say that, or did in Bewilderness. Of course, Dr. Dean Radin said it in his book 'The Conscious Universe' too, but I suspect it means more coming from a scientist with data on it than someone talking about their weird experiences. Either way, the point is worth making: intent seems to 'organize' anything it's applied to.

Nearly 20 years ago, when I had 20 years less of stress and sleep deprivation and was much closer to human than whatever I am now, I chanced on the formal workings of archetype meditations. I first encountered this as 'self-willed shamanic journeys', then 'jungian archetype work' and then thanks to Edwin Steinbrecher's excellent work 'The Inner Guide Meditation', as simply 'archetype meditations' or 'archmeds' as I call them. There are other formats for similar work -- not identical but with much in common -- called Conscious Dreaming, Active Imagination, and things like that.

This should not be confused with visualization. It involves visualization as a tool -- much moreso when you are beginning and establishing it -- but that is not its scope. Once one learns how to do this, it is no more "deliberately imagined" than remote viewing is. (Which is to say it could be subconsciously but is not done so consciously at least.)

Doing these meditations well is a skill, no different than karate or remote viewing. There is a certain state of active-allowing, combined with a state of not-creating, combined with a state of alertness so one is interacting from the first person. Somewhat like RV it comprises a sort of "border territory" of brain-mind that has a percentage in two (or more) quite different areas, held simultaneously and interactively.

The more altered the state of mind, the more autonomous these tend to be. The better practiced or skilled the individual, the more autonomous these tend to be. The more often they are done with certain consistent framework elements (such as the 'inner space' one uses), the more autonomous these tend to be. Combine those three factors and you get a fully autonomous inner landscape and infinite cast of characters that can shock the heck outta you, surprise the snot out of you, terrify you, enlighten you, fascinate you, and in general make radical changes inside you... that can also reflect 'outside' you in major reality-changing ways.

The archmeds can lead to tantric workings, solo or not, and can lead off on another path to what I call 'reality meds', basically a somewhat ineffable ability to creatively interact with your reality of the moment using whatever creative inner elements work. For me that is geometries. No idea why. Sometimes it does involve elements I half-got spontaneously and half-visualized to fill in, like a big white lab where I get a holographic projection of some part of my inner body I can work on, microscopic areas blown up into rather disgusting looking projects I have to repair. Or like a central command center that has a couple different core machines that I can ask to plug a new idea or decision into and which sends it out through the nervous system in gold light to my entire body. But usually it's just geometries.

Archmeds -- and reality meds -- aren't a matter of visualization and faith. When they work, they are a matter of interaction as novel to you as having it with another person would be (sometimes moreso). When they work, you get feelings in your body including 'rushes' of various kinds when you merge with an arch or resolve something or implement something. There is no doubt physically that you are doing 'something'. Sometimes you can get energy so powerful it's nearly a kundalini experience. Sometimes it'll hit you so hard your body instantly starts stretching and you feel as if there is energy coursing through every nerve ending, your entire nervous system. Who cares whether this is only you or also guides or whatever explanatory label someone wants to put on it. They're amazing.

o0o

Long ago, I made spreadsheet lists of the meditations I needed to do. I covered the basics: the local planets as archetypes; several tarot symbols as archetypes; my mother, father, boss, car, money, lack of money, and then an endless list of "issues" that I felt I probably needed to address.

I got about halfway through the list, and that was the short list, when the avoidance kicked in. My psyche realized that change = death and decided the best way to avoid the radical changes I was constantly imposing was simply to be sure I "didn't get around to" meditating.

Kinda like... not getting around to viewing.

I was organized then. I had a plan. Always had a plan. Should a moment arrive when I did not have a plan, I would be frantically making one.

Having a kid seemed to obliterate past plans and eventually showed me that making much of any plan besides "I will be a slave to the needs of others" for the next 20 years was probably just a waste of time. I quit making plans.

Today I realized that my normal organization principle looks like it got wadded up and stuffed in the back of the sock drawer. My spiritual evolution feels like it is about as stalled as my 1986 Ford F-150 that has been sitting motionless in a parking spot across the street for like a year now. Evolution. Snort. What evolution? I dream of being a light being but for now, I'm a tree sloth.

I credit this dismal state of things mostly to not being organized.

(Right. Leave it to a Virgo to come up with a reason why the primary answer to personal spiritual evolution must involve making lists and categorizing things.)

I'm having a hard time making myself meditate on stuff I need to. Hell, I even have a hard time viewing, though now I'm required to do it daily for a project I'm in. It seems like something always comes up, time is so limited, and when I do have a little block ("oh look! 42 minutes of freedom!") well you know, I don't necessarily always feel like meditating or viewing at exactly that second, sheesh.

But miss the small windows of opportunity my schedule gives me and the chance may be past.

But who am I kidding. I can make a few minutes. 5. 10. 20. even 30. If and when I need to. If it was really important to me.

I think I need to make another list. Of archmeds. As well as including at least one session a day preferably more. And just commit to it. And just assume that no matter what is in my life, no matter how work is crazy making and overbusy, no matter how the kid has mommy-time nightly but always wants more, no matter that I do need to sleep... I think, if I set out a list of goals, and there was something due daily, and I committed to making it happen, that my meditations -- and hence, personal development -- might actually happen.

So I am organizing my spiritual work... as I feel possessed by an organizing spirit. I am going back to the more consciously aware, deliberately planning, constructionist I used to be, before just getting through the average day without incident, and getting more than 3 hours of sleep, was considered an accomplishment of its own.

This week I am dedicating to time. My first meditations are going to be on "time"... and my seeming lack of it. I figure it's about... time that I put a little more proactive effort into myself.

My Psiche

I created a separate blog to talk about the archmeds I do on targets prior to remote viewing sessions.

http://mypsiche.blogspot.com

Midas

I had a great meditation this morning. Too tired to view or meditate last night, I woke up early this morning for it instead. I was merging all over the place, and getting so much energy that right after each one I'd have to yawn and stretch immediately. I did an archmed with a conglomerate, part of which was based on the thing in my previous post.

I was having a problem, in that I was still a bit sleepy, and now and then would slide off into a half-day/half-real dream. Then I'd bring myself back to what I was doing and focus on dissolving and releasing some of the negative elements in the daydreams. It happened again after I'd merged as The Four, and then it happened again after I'd merged as The Coalition, and I had this strong sense that the only thing worse than negative daydreaming in general, was negative daydreaming during a major energetic merge experience with a larger part of your self.

At the same time I was realizing this with their help, came the voice of one of them saying, With power comes responsibility. I understood, and I managed to keep my act together through the remainder of all the meditative work. I thought it humorous because LD and I were just talking about that concept yesterday.

Just as I was finishing up the last of it -- which was no longer in the tower with the Coalition but way over and into the other world where I meet my Inner Guide and archetypes -- I had this sort of insight. Funny enough, I've been told this and shown this plainly more than once, by IG, by the Narrator, etc. It's something like this:

Your power to create your reality is vast. But, your reality follows your focus. So, if you do not have the discipline to keep your focus clean and positive, that inherent power will be throttled down by many aspects of yourself, for your own protection.

The power to change your reality to bring the things you want, includes the power to change your reality to bring the things you don't want. The cleaner your focus gets, the safer it becomes for the power available to you, to flow through you and follow your focus.

So to increase the intensity of your inherent, automatic power to create your reality, clean up your focus. Watch your thoughts. Curtail, dissolve and release negative daydreams. Turn off the auto-pilot and work to be as 'aware' of the Self as possible.

Pay attention to the words that leave you: evaluate them to make sure they are completely true. Sarcasm, joking, flippancy, often cause untruths that we do not consider lies, but they weigh against the clarity of the overall focus.

Your reality follows your focus: life is biofeedback. Your power to effect change in that reality -- real "magic" -- will be in direct proportion to how much or little your larger self feels it must protect you from yourself.

I suppose the lesson recurs because I'm not getting it, haha.

So like Midas, who wanted everything he touched to turn to gold, but then had reason to grieve for that when his food and his daughter were transformed, we deal with a similar issue in our daily existence. We want every focus we touch to spring to reality, all our wishes and dreams and creative aspirations. But as long as our 'awareness' is not in control of our focus keeping it clean and positive and allowing, we risk springing some very dark and tragic elements into our reality.

I learned this, back in '94. I actually accomplished this, temporarily alas. The amount of incredibly hard work it took in terms of really being as "aware" every moment as was possible, was kind of amazing. It really does take effort, and a lot of it, to be aware, and to responsibly deal with what we find in ourselves. Later, after marrying and my life changed radically, I changed my focus. The Narrator showed me back then, what I had done, and that I had done it for self protection.

I merged with Nero while I was there by the way. I didn't mean to. I just threw my arms around him and hugged him and it started happening, so I accepted that and participated and it was really intense. Very cool.
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Awareness

A friend of mine into RV, Shamanic meditations and Lucid Dreaming, was having this very cool med the other day when an archetype told him, to increase his "awareness":

Contact the part of you which is all of you which is not afraid.

I thought that was a great line. I think I'm going to try my own archetype meditation with that used as a 'query string' or 'tasking'.
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The Immortal

I went to bed early. I meditated a bit first. I got this awesome Creative 30G Zen player -- like a video iPod but better -- so I put on my favorite meditation music (the Narnia soundtrack) and finally got into it.

I had a different urge than I ever had before, and spent some time imagining myself in/at the very core of the earth, which had a sort of offbeat feeling, can't remember why. I fell asleep in the middle of that.

When I woke up this morning I was 20,000 leagues under the sea it felt like. I'd slept more than I usually do, but it took about six attempts over half an hour, including shaking and light, for someone else to get me awake.

I had this two-part dream.

In the first part, I was working with a group of people who weren't my people -- I mean they weren't human. We were doing a research study and I was one of the key subjects, but they were treating me like a coworker as well, and we were reviewing the research results.

It had to do with human experience with their species. We had a fairly large trial pool of subjects, of which I had been one prior to my current place reviewing results with them. We explored the data. It was clear that although nearly-all the humans were having the interaction with their people, only a super tiny percentage (like less than 1%) were able to become cognitively aware of this. The reasons ranged from health to psychology issues, but the general consensus we had was that although the humans considered this awareness to be a form of insanity or related to it anyway, that it was in fact evidence of a good deal more physical and psychological 'clarity' on the humans' part who were able to be 'aware' of it.

The second part of the study had to do with the frequency of exposure. This was the part that really threw me for a loop. They showed how on average in 24 hours, humans passed through a sort of... you might call it a cycle, kind of like how brainwaves cycle except this is more like a larger earth cycle we are just part of, but that does interact with our minds -- and we were exposed to them generally about four times during each 24 hour period. This kind of amazed me. I was saying, but I thought this was something that only happened when we were asleep, or walking through the woods ha-ha-ha, are you sure? FOUR times per 24 hours?! So they sort of showed me (though I can't put it in words) how and why this was the case. I know I'm translating it badly, but it felt like something to do with four cardinal points and our brainwaves and the rotation of the earth.

Then we reviewed how the 'awareness' of the population and the 'frequency' of the interaction varied with many of the subjects. For example, even of those humans able to become 'aware' of the 'during-sleep' exposure to their species, just as low a % of them were able to be aware of the occasional exposure that happened at periods other than sleep. The very few who did, usually psychologically were associating their experience with something like a place -- for example, the route they drove every day, they would think they were being abducted from their car or something, when really, everyone was exposed "on this other level of consciousness" and for them the cycle just happened to fall during their long drive.

We also explored how some people thought they had an exposure to their species as a one-time thing, and it wasn't that it was a one-time thing, it was just that for a variety of reasons (often health, psychology, the cycle, the type of experience, whatever) they were only aware of that one particular experience and none of the others. Something to do with what % of a person's overall attention they turn toward that level of themselves vs. having it (as is normal) split, and so much less intense.

Oh yeah that reminds me, another factor was that the four cycles weren't the same for everyone. Even though it was a larger earth-based 'pattern of cycle', it related to the individual's interaction with that on an energetic level, so people varied "when" and sometimes how often (more or less) depending on their own cycles.

Then there was this second part of the dream.

I was working with this group of people who weren't my people -- but I don't know if it was the same group as the first time, I'm just assuming so -- doing a lot more complex stuff. It was a combination of testing (them testing me), and experimenting with what I could do, perceive, etc. as a conscious test subject.

Then just about everything was completed, and the room changed into a bedroom, and they said, "We can tie you, if you like." They acted like this was a good idea and I should agree. For what, I asked? For The Immortal, they say. It came across with that word and the sense of a capital. The Immortal was 'superior' to them in their perception, like part of a different species with a higher authority you might say.

I said naw, I'll talk to him, casual as I always am. So he comes in the room, and I nearly pass out. I don't know why, but he terrified me. He was at least three times as big as me, although now awake I think that might have been not his body but his aura. He was almost the archetypal 'demon' image of our culture, and reminded me greatly of what a close friend of mine told me he has seen in his viewing and 'experiences', which I assured him I had never encountered, despite all my many alien-ish experiences. He had some kind of spiky-things on his shoulders and too-small bat-wing things. And he was ugly. But it wasn't the body; I wasn't really responding to that, I was just 'observing' it. It was the energy that freaked me out. It was so "intense," and so "large". So frightening to me.

The energy of an Archangel is frightening too of course, on a really deep level of mortal terror, but that is the fear of God, it is fright based on 'awe' and the soul's realization that too close exposure could do the equivalent of vaporize you. This was not that kind of fright, but still seemed like the gut-inspired sort.

I found myself on the bed naked (this will teach me to wear pajamas to bed, ha!) and I realized as he came toward me that the intent was that he was going to have sex with me. I leaped off the bed and went, I DON'T THINK SO YOU GUYS! He stopped, and looked at the others with me. One of the guys pulled out a sheet of paper and said, "See, you agreed to work with us on this." I said dude, sex with your freaky Immortal was NOT what I agreed to! A female there said to me, "Oh come on. You had to know from the beginning that this was intended at the end!" I looked at her like she was crazy. "I think not!" I denied. "Maybe I was stupid or inattentive, but I never agreed to this, and there is NO WAY I am merging with that -- that -- thing!"

Oddly enough, it wasn't the sex part that bothered me -- it was the understanding that it would merge my ENERGY with his that was really upsetting me. It was like it was rape. I mean even if I had agreed to it, it would have been rape, that is the 'effect' the energy would have on me, in a really severe way.

Suddenly I realized why they had offered to tie me. They'd hoped I'd say yes. And I'd been so oblivious. Here I'd spent a whole day studying research about how oblivious humans were -- and then promptly proved it in my own way.

Then the 'context' of the dream shifted, and instead of me being in the situation, I was watching a woman in a movie. But some little part of my mind was 'aware' that this was still me, and that this 'movie effect' was in fact one way they had of dealing with my species. They couldn't keep some of us from being aware. But they could kind of lean on us to "shift perspective," in much the same way that a therapist can have someone "imagine" seeing a past traumatic experience on a television instead of re-experiencing it personally.

It didn't help them. Despite that I had this strong sense from the others that I was supposed to be *flattered* this 'Immortal' wanted to merge with me, I considered his energy a direct threat to mine... as if the experience would genuinely do me harm spiritually.

I half-realized (not entirely lucid on this, only partly) that this was a new and novel approach to me. They keep coming back and trying to convince me to join them or sign something, but usually they are more direct. I usually find myself in dreams standing with my legs staunch, like a captain on board a ship, shouting loud like a magical cadence, I AM OF MICHAEL! YOU CANNOT HAVE ME! I AM OF MICHAEL! over and over, and they have to leave me, obviously ticked off about how innately I snap to that the minute awareness of their attempt to get my commitment became clear.

This was novel though, because I didn't have that response this time, maybe because of the different way they approached it this time. They never asked for my agreement on the level they wanted, they'd only asked for something I was willing to do because I'm so interested in research, and I think they hoped that the merge of energy, if I could be persuaded to it, would in turn make me a lot more susceptible.

I was being woke up as I was refusing, and it was pulling me away from them. It felt like they were trying to hold me there, and my body was having such a hard time waking up, but then I'd be forcibly woken up again, until finally I woke up fully, and at least as far as I know, pulled myself away from them in the process.

The overall experience particularly with the 'research' initially really underscored how our concept that these things have to be physical on *our* level is just so, so wrong. It's just as real, but culturally we are geared to deny anything non-physical. At times I've had the impression this is one of many cultural things they themselves 'encourage' in our species for their own ends.

Later when awake, I was kind of disappointed I hadn't responded like I normally do. As if it is a sign of my having paid so much less attention to Michael and prayer for some time. Time to re-affirm that part of my life.

When I finally woke up, I thought to myself, "Like they have nothing better to do but recruit you during your sleep. Like you are so important. Get over yourself, sheesh!" and I threw on a dress and took the kid to school.

It's just another day.
.

The I's Have It

I was thinking to myself about how I've been going through this phase where my eyes and brain both keep 'unfocusing and diffusing', constantly. Driving me nuts. It occurred to me that my "I's" keep unfocusing and diffusing... maybe that is really what it means.

I was signing a check for my kid's karate dojo today and I realized that for a long time now I have the oddest habit: I keep forgetting the "I" in my last name (Gaenir). Literally, I handwrite it, and then I have to go back in and forcibly insert the I into the name, where it doesn't have enough room really. I thought that LD would probably say that this summed up my life pretty well: "not making room for the I."

o0o

I did a session that was two, short, 'sitting in walmart parking lot' illegible piecess, which are often the only kind I get in. I love describing sessions in retrospect, soon enough that hopefully memory hasn't torqued it to inventing, but late enough that feedback allows the tons of "contextual, below-verbal" levels of info to add into the description for much more sense.

1} There were these little glowy balls that were floating around all over the place in the air, and then suddenly there was this mass interruption and everything went to "static-and-black". It looked as if I'd been watching, with my face just inside the screen so it was all I saw, a 3D TV documentary on these things, and then someone yanked the cable and a second later the plug. Very much a "sudden radical interruption". It was pretty novel.

2} There was something physical that had two kinda flat shapes, horizontally placed, parallel with one above the other, and they were connected to each other only at one end, by this space that was between them and slightly inward from the end. (I sketched this. Twice. Badly.)

3} There was this shape, I couldn't tell what it was, but there was a part of it that was very specifically "peeled away" on the corner, rather like in illustrations where they show you a part of something 'peeled away' to show you what is underneath. I didn't feel the point was what was under, but rather the "peeling off of an outer layer."

4} I saw something facing me that had a bunch of small shapes in a horizontal row, but there was this "swollen thickness" around them that later I wished I'd written down as a sort of "glow" but at the time, I just sketched, badly like everything else, my sketching really needs work darn it.

5} I had a combination of senses hard to articulate that I had to render as AOLs through no choice. A sense like a catapult, throwing one thing high and far; a sense like some kind of forced-air-machine, like whatever was being thrown wasn't really solid.

6} I also had several feelings that suggested the physical thing connected near one end was kinda like a teeter totter, or the finger-side of a clamp at the connected end; a strong feeling like, "You push this side down, and the other side goes up."

I was thrown off because right off at the beginning of the session I got this overwhelming sense of a whole bunch of tall parallel shapes. This nearly always means trees. I also had data with no FB and/or wrong, that seemed to me kinda like a rough edged truncated tree trunk, but I wasn't sure if that was a 'symbol' (of 'rough surface' and 'truncated') or if it was literal. And I had other data that is either no FB or just totally off, and I fell asleep once and nearly did a few times, despite the supershort scribbling 2-part session. I may be hopeless if I can't make more decent time for the art, sheesh!

One interesting thing is in the my last several sessions I've had this experience near the end where it's like, I get *so much data* that it's impossible to fathom or articulate. It's like I'm just aware of this giant glob of tons of stuff all at once, and sometimes I am sort of aware of some tiny aspect or six, but it's all moving so fast, there is just no way. I had it on the prayer ribbons target recently, and on the mcqueen session recently, and again on this one.

Anyway the task was from LD who does most of my tasking that isn't from group efforts or my envelope pool, and it was this novel technology, a Reich orgone cloud buster as it's called, and his intent was describe how it worked. I've no idea if I fulfilled that but it was a fun session anyway. Of course, the disaster of my raw sessions vs. the decent form I can put them in if I have time prior to FB is always a little distressing but oh well. The messy truth is here.

o0o

Last night I sat looking at Dor's talisman. It's been hanging on the little shelf by my bed for a couple days. I felt if he wasn't going to be more proactive with me, and I just don't feel him (maybe this is my ignorance, but still!) that I see no reason to feed him my energy. It is a symbiote relationship but if I don't get my part that'd make him a parasite and not to be over personal but at this moment in my life I think I have enough of those and I'm just not in the mood damn it. So I took off his talisman and hung it up and I have looked at it grumpily but refused to wear it, though I never took it off since I got it. Today I gave in and put it back on, feeling like maybe I was blaming him for my own BS.

Soooo.... as usual, my only time to do anything of interest today was about 15 minutes in the car, while Lu shopped. At this rate someday I'll be on Geraldo talking about "How I found omniscience in the Walmart parking lot." (Just kidding.)

It was TIME to do a meditation. I tuned into my sacred space and then wondered where I was. I often appear in different places and usually I figure that is a form of self communication too. I was way the heck away from the castle, I was over in the space where I began all this years ago, the plateau.

In fact, ironically I never noticed this until not long ago, but my "sacred space" that I made for myself a dozen years ago looks slightly like part of the background pic of this blog. It's a super high "plateau," one of those funky desert looking things, and when I look down the back, way down there is a meandering river. Down the front there is a cage elevator that gets me down to the ground, then there is a small cornfield, and I go through that and then a little clearing and a cave.

I go into the cave and in a ways, there is a tiny creek that goes under the ground just before the entrance. I walk beside the creek until I reach a tiny stone bridge that is one of those little shallow arch footbridges that leads across. Just on the other side, a few steps from the bridge, is a big stone archway that is a doorway out of the cave.

When I exit it, I'm in a different 'inner' reality. I turn right and walk alongside a tiny field, then left and go across it. In the center I reach a big tree, with some little white benches around it, where my inner guide waits. I trace it back exactly to return.

At one point I built a tiny 'pavilion' for the 'four elementals of soul' (3 and me, or "the 4") that was way off to the right of where my armchair sits on the plateau. It was lovely, mostly open, with columns, and on its own little plateau surrounded by sky. Then one day I came in and it had grown massively into this whole castle that was over on the longer, main plateau, way off to the right. This was early this year when these meditations were so autonomous and profound... there's just no putting it in words.

There was a huge walled garden extending about 1/8 of a mile off to the left. Inside the garden there is a really long thin pool-like shape (shallow like a fountain) that goes all the way through it, and inside this at the bottom is a colorfully tiled DNA helix. Don't ask me why. The '4' of DNA is about the only correlation I can make there.

Anyway, on the other side of the garden stairs up to the castle proper. In the middle of the castle on the top level is a roof and that is usually where I appear of late, on the other side of it. The sunsets are quite lovely there and far, far off in the distance, I can see what I am suspicious are dragons flying near the high mountains. There is a big river that goes by the other side of the castle.

In the middle of the castle is a winding square staircase that leads up to a big circular room with a giant symbol (dunno what yet) on the floor, and they call this room the 'tower'. Even though it isn't taller than the rest of the castle and isn't a typical tower. Which is where the Senior (the top of 'the 4') has me come to work with 'the consortium'... the next ring of identities involved in my larger soul. Or... something.

That was way more boring stuff than anybody wanted to know. Moving on.

o0o

I decided prior to going to the tower, where I am way overdue I know, I need to do an archmed on this weird "de-focussed" effect I've had lately. I have really had a hard time lately, haven't meditated in quite some time, and the last time I tried literally everything was semi-opaque, distant and unreal. This seemed ok, not as good as usual but ok. It improved as I went on. So I got to IG, and realized it'd been awhile, and I hugged him --

--and then realized, or understood, that I have actually been avoiding meditation because of my response to him. I had no idea consciously. The last few times I've seen him I have noticed more and more that he is not human, and despite that on that inner world, entities can be anything, all my guides have been human until him. Each time I have seen him he seems to get a little bit more... um... amphibian. The last time I saw him I really noticed the small open gills on him, the spots on him, and his eyes seemed more black, and his skin more... rubbery sorta. A part of me pulls back in semi-repulsion from this, even though the more dominant, conscious me, insists on finding it novel and ignoring that.

"So I was avoiding you," I say, "realizing" that HE has given me this realization when I hugged him. He nods. "I'm so sorry," I say. "Please. I remember when I first met you I couldn't even see you. I know it's like a denial. Please don't go less visible on me last time. I can't stand it. I truly want you to be YOU, whatever you are. I want to know you, in your most natural form."

"Are you sure?" he says. Suddenly a bit unnerved, I stammer, "Yeah, sure!"

He turns into this huge creature that is probably 20 feet high, looks sort of like a frog/toad but also like something else I can't even name, and he sits there and looks down at me.

"Um." I say, struggling to be polite and to keep my word. "So. Um. This is the real you! Wow. That's. Um. That's really... really interesting!"

He sat there and looked at me. I stood there and looked at him. Silence.

"SOooooo," I say, knowing that he KNOWS whatever is inside me, so pretending anything is just SO beyond stupid, "Are you more comfortable in that form than you are in the humanoid form you usually wear with me?" I could only hope not.

"It doesn't matter to me," he says.

I nearly breathed a sigh of relief. Good. I would not be morally obligated to interact with that form then. "Well then... nothing personal but I would really prefer you in a humanoid form," I said apologetically. It's not you!" I assured him hastily, "It's me, you know, I'm simple, easily scared, and I just relate more to species closer to mine." Heh. Nice save. Almost.

Back in his humanoid form, looking rather like an overpale Trill from Star Trek (ok, with small gills as well as spots, lol) he waits for me.

I feel so guilty. I mean, he is part of me. I know he is part of me. I love him, he has done so much for me, he is so wise and brilliant and -- and WTF kind of spiritual path makes your wise inner self a giant alien-amphibian frog-like creature? How come other people get little pink Jesuses and typical Buddha or Native sorts, and I get totally freaky things?!

I felt sort of... I dunno. Not really ashamed of myself, not a bad-guilt feeling, more like a sorry-I'm-not-more-evolved feeling. Like, "Yeah, be who you are!--er, as long as you're like me."

o0o

I tell IG I want to work with an archetype that somehow relates to this weird defocussing of late, and I add for good measure "and that will do me the most good from the med in the limited time I have for it." I close my eyes, turn around, and open them to the arch. For an instant I nearly see something, and then --

-- I see this panel, like a solid object about 2.5 feet wide, 4 feet tall, and about 2 inches thick, vertical flat-facing me, with a horizontal bar running right through the middle of it, and it is spinning slowly on the bar.

I just stand there looking at it like an idiot for a bit. It is always offputting to me when my archetype is an object instead of something I can talk to and I always end up talking to the archetype as if there is an invisible person standing next to it that is actually the 'real' archetype and whatever I see is just some projection.

I watch it spin. I'm asking myself, what does this mean? Should it be spinning, or not? What should I be doing here to interact? I ask it, "what do I do?" and it moves toward me and so I let it merge into me, and I become that funky flat shape slowly, irregularly spinning.

I feel myself defocus. Yes, this is it... feels rather like that. Slightly dizzy. Losing track of what is around. I force myself, now the object, to stop and be vertical, and I think at a space next to us where I imagine something easier for me to imagine having a consciousness is standing.

"So... it's that I'm... um... spinning?" I ask. The shape of us changes, and the bar changes, and then there is a small ball in the middle, like a large ball-bearing, that somehow has its own elevated, stable nature, and now I am spinning in every direction, like one of those triple-ring things they use in the space program and they have at fairs. "Whoa..." I say, and I 'sense' that I'm starting to feel some info now.

One thing is that I feel it's relevent that in order for this spinning to happen I have had to completely lose track of my 'center' feeling. "So I need to... focus on my center," I say, thinking this sure was a lot of trouble to go through only to be told something that even I, dim as I am some days, could have told myself.

I felt something change, and suddenly I was moving all over, and various walls and things around me I was in danger of running into, and some were moving toward me, literal chaos ensued until I forced myself not only to hold the center but to hold an 'awareness' of where everything else was and "keep it equidistant from me" so that I could remain in the center.

"Ah," I say slowly, starting to get it. "So it isn't just about centering myself. It's also about maintaining an awareness of what is around me, because that is a big part of truly centering myself. When I tune out of what is around me--just like defocusing my eyes--I also lose the needed awareness for maintaining my own center--the I." That seemed sorta right. I don't think I totally got this accurately but it was the best I could do.

And then I'm sorry to say that I forget the rest. I do think I ended it but I can't remember. Lu scared me when he opened the door, I yelped loudly, and the last of it fell out of my head.

o0o

Later tonight I went down to see IG and I hugged him, and I asked him to take his real form and I flew up to gently lay on top of his giant head to rest on him. He was kinda slimy. Apparently psychic amphibians are slightly icky too. He warned me but as I landed I said, so what... I'll take a psychic shower. And I laid on him and told him I loved him and I was sorry for being so reactive earlier.

I hope this weekend to get some more 'serious' meditation done esp. in the Tower.

In the Cellar

I was supposed to post this day before yesterday. I forgot about 20 times. Then I went to post it last night and I kid you not, I was sitting in bed with my laptop and I clicked the link to come to the admin for this blog and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up an hour later -- I had someone sitting in an IM box! -- admitted I had rather weirdly passed out very suddenly, between one click and another, and just went to sleep instead.

Now I'm taking a break from work just to get it posted. It's so boring and unimportant I can't imagine why I might be in denial of posting about it, unless it's some subconscious reaction, or maybe just that it seems gross and it would be so much groovier if all my experiences could be something that makes me look really cool, man. Heh.

My friend tells me I am so hip I am square, or so square I am hip. I wonder when my friends will just admit I am a total weirdo-nerd and that's just the way it is.

In keeping with being socially unacceptable...

So I keep forgetting the 'wall of fear' exists, in stasis in the tower room, total denial. Then something reminds me that I have to get back to that. I just haven't felt like I had any idea how to deal with it. And the dark side of it was just gross and terrifying. So... time marches on. I'm the Queen of denial, no news there.

Day before yesterday I decided to do an archmed and ask to work with the arch who would best help me deal with the wall of fear... who knows how. I trust IG to work out the details. But I couldn't really see the arch well at all, typical of those I have the most problems with. And sometimes when I almost saw it I would feel fear lurch in my gut and I would find myself breathing hard all the sudden and find something really urgent I needed to do that was not meditating.

Finally after ditching the process in the middle like 2 or 3 times I think, I came back determined to finish it. I stare at the space where I know the arch is but I can only feel him and not really see him, aside from a general impression of blobbiness. I did once get the impression of a head that had all the components but all totally separate like Mr. Potato Head but that kind of grossed me out so I didn't pay attention to that anymore, which might explain why he got less visible instead of more as time went on.

So we're there, in my inner space, and I have no idea what to do with him. I just don't really feel any ideas whatever. Normally the spontaneous ideas I have are, I assume, an equal part of the process. I was not feeling very idea-prone. I finally asked him if he would walk with me a bit, and I held his hand of sorts, and we walked a bit around the field by the tree where IG is.

I told him how I really wanted to work with him but was clueless where to begin and in denial besides, and would appreciate his help. Then I had the idea that maybe we should go check out the cave. This had never occurred to me before. The cave is like a part of my outer-inner world (wait, that sounded confusing...) -- the space where "outer guides" and such are found. Through the cave and out an archway on the side, I'm in another world. That world is the "inner" world where archetypes go.

True, I have brought outer guides into my inner space, more than once. The first time I did that, the guide seemed totally in awe. The next time I showed up to meditate there were like 20 people I'd never seen before all hanging around that guy, all rowdy, like he'd brought his college dorm or something. I had to keep telling them to pipe down, but I took them too. Now and then I've taken another. I always wonder how it comes off to them. They seem to find it really novel. But I'd never thought of bringing an archetype into any part of the outer-guide space.

(I think this is part of what's frying my brain about putting RV and archmeds in the same context. That to me, RV is totally outer-world-HERE, and archmeds are totally inner-world-THERE, and it's a stretch to see how they could meet.)

So I said, "Wanna go check out the cave? Maybe pick a door, see what's inside?" He said sure. So we went into the cave to the point where it V's off and he said, "Left." So we went left, down a long hall with doors on right side, and then suddenly there was this doorway that instead of a door, just led to a hall, but the hall instantly veered in a curve and went sharply downward. He wanted to go that way, and he seemed to know where he was going, so I asked him if he did. He thought that was funny for some reason but didn't answer. We go around this long curve of stone floor, going pretty deeply down, and finally we reach the bottom.

Just off the 'curve' is what seems to be a pond or pool of water. I ask if this is right and he nods yes, and we go along the little side near us over to the left side which has lots of space, and we sit down there and he points at the water, which is like a big rectangular pool going back into a deeper cavern, and he says, "Watch." Just then there is this odd sound, and the water level starts dropping rapidly, and ALL the water literally drains out of the area, and I can see that the lowest part was actually over at the other side, and there were these three big tubes like sewage pipes that apparently connected as I could see their opening at the bottom-side on the other side, and all the water really rapidly drained into them and then from all around, the pool refilled with clean water, really fast.

I looked at this, I looked at the guide, and then I said, "Oh my God. It's a toilet!!" and I just cracked up. I mean of all symbols to get! But it very obviously was, although very very big and my impression was that this was literally part of my biological body, symbolic of it anyway. It appeared the water occasionally 'flushed' whether there was any visible need of it to or not.

Then he said, "We are here for the wall of fear. We can deal with some of it here." I said, "But how? It's way over in the tower." He looked at me. I realized I am a moron. Man, sometimes I'm SO dim... so I visualized it appearing in the air, intact, above the water.

He said ok, easy does it, and he--and me, sort of helping when I realized what he was doing--let the far left side of the wall, which was about a foot thick and maybe 10 feet high, open up like a door on it opened, and the worst of the wall, the utterly black stuff, started coming out.

Sort of. Not only was it sludge, but it was nearly solid in places, and I could feel that 'pieces' in it were hard as rocks. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. I felt nauseated and wondered if a meditation could make me throw up.

I did a major effort to ask for energy to hit this stuff and make it chemically inert, and break up the solid pieces, etc. and I could feel the rush of the energy so at least that part was working. Even though it was a big pool of water, it could only take so much.

The water had some property where it really absorbed into anything dropped in it, so as to make everything thinner and flushable. When the water maxxed out in that regard, we stopped, and it flushed. It was gross. The clean water filled up, and we did it again. Many times, over and over, through the horrible black stuff, then through the just gross brown stuff, and finally we reached the point where red was visible, the red of the fear, and he said (now that the 'toxic and toxin' part was gone), whether I dealt with the rest of the fear this way or some other way was optional.

As we were on a roll I chose to deal with as much of it as I could this way, and we got the red all the way up to about the yellow-red of cowardice before we stopped the major flushing, rinsed out the part of the lucite-like wall where all the rest had been, and closed it.

I sat looking at it for a bit, at the wall of what fear was left. I understood that all this other fear-energy, the various shades and meanings of the "red roiling energy" inside the wall, was something that I actually had options about and could deal with in other ways. For example I could really work on transmuting it, improving its frequency level (for lack of a better concept) until it was no longer fear, or at least not so serious. I thought about just dumping it all out here and wondered what that would mean.

"What would it mean if I just dump it all?" I asked the arch. "Would it be denial?" He shook his head, and into my mind came a memory of an experience I had a long time ago (online, 'searching for fear' here). (Wow now I see it was exactly 13 years ago I had that experience. Holy cow! I'm getting old!) I remembered explaining that experience, with the understanding that when I truly "released" my fear, that energy which had been part of me, left me, and essentially became independent. When that happened, it was as if I was "smaller" without it. Literally I had given up a part of myself.

I realized that is why it's so hard to let go of fear. It is part of us just like good emotions are. And I think all things have a primal, spirit-level urge toward growth, toward absorption-expansion, and that is sort of contrary to that drive. "But it doesn't help to be bigger, if the extra is all ugly," the arch said. "If you let go of that, it's true you would be much smaller. But maybe you would be better able to grow in good ways, without all that." I nodded.

And then I realized that this is the situation with being overweight, as well. In terms of creating reality, and living in the body of our beliefs as Seth puts it. It is a part of ourselves. As Reich put it, as "body armor," it is very likely a lot of fear used as protection. Yes, we would be smaller if we let it go. But...

I called back the wall and said that's it! I'm dumping the whole damn thing into the water! The arch laughed. I opened up the long-side of the wall, the flat face of it, and held it out over the small lake, while forcing it to flush repeatedly. When it was done, I imagined rinsing out the inside of the wall.

There was still some fear-energy in there but not much. I figured that meant I have to deal with that part of it in some other way. I imagined the wall shrinking down to fit what was left, and it became a flattish oval shape that reminded me of "Mirror mirror, on the wall..." a funny sync to my thoughts about fear and extra weight.

That seemed like what we came for. So I took its hand and we went around the edge and hiked back up the long curving slanted route back up to the end of a long hallway, and down that to where the cave V'd, and into the cave and then over the little bridge that spans the creek and out the door and back into the archetypal realm. We went back to IG and it was time for the arch to leave.

We shook hands. I could sorta seem him then. Seemed... relatively normal. "Water." he said. "Drink water." And then he was gone.

I shrugged at IG and wrapped it all up to be done with.

Pretty disgusting as a process, but it did seem fairly, er, ventingly-useful.

Got me thinking about being overweight though, one of the few plagues of my life. Thinking about Seth saying we live in the body of our beliefs. Thinking about it being hard to let go of fear because it is an equal part of us. I'm thinking now, what are all the things that I believe, that I will not let go of, that I am essentially "wearing" in my body?

The Only Living Boy in New York

That subject is the title of a great Paul Simon song. My archmed earlier today made me think of it. (I think his "Negotiations and Love Songs" [Greatest Hits collection] is one of the best albums of all time.)

You know how I keep saying that I want to work with archetypes (and targets, and aspects, and... well, let's just say reality) "from the inside" and so on. But how come, if I believe this, every time any identity does something new that seems autonomous, I am so astonished?

I mean, for someone who allegedly believes that everything is consciousness, I sure am surprised when anything shows signs of it. Even in the smallest ways.

Another archmed on what I needed most, let the IG work out the details. The arch was kinda funky. There was the vaguest frogginess about him, though he was human, his head was a bit big. You know the texture of rubbery green skin and those bony-looking "heavy brow" shapes around the eyes that literally shape the head... a bit odd. I could not see him very clearly which is always a sign of something I am not well integrated with.

Anyway, I opened my (er, imaginal) mouth to say something, I don't know what exactly, and what came out of me was, "I respect you." I surprised myself. But it was apparently a good enough beginning.

When I went to create a thoughtform energy-something to give the archetype, though, I felt oddly like I didn't really have enough energy to do that. It was like a billion degrees (I know... mom told me a million times not to exaggerate...) and I was sitting in a car briefly while Lu ran in to shop and Ry ran to see the sidewalk sale, and I just didn't really feel like I had a lot to give. So I visualized 'opening' all my chakras 'more' and then bringing energy through me like you do in healing, through the crown, feet and perineum (Kundalini) area.

Whatever I decide to do is spontaneous and always part of the meditation and the nature of it all, of course. I did something different than usual (it's always unique, but sometimes more than others), I decided to create a sort of "energy-shape-of-me" as if creating a thoughtform that was me-shaped and standing right in front of me. I decided that I would channel all this energy into the me-form and then when it was done, I would give him that as the link. I tried to "set" it so it would keep pouring energy "through" me into this.

To my astonishment, he began doing the same thing!

Now I'm sorry to be so dense. It's not like an archetype has never interacted with me autonomously before.

One time, I was meditating with Sun. He is a golden Adonis sort. He took my hand and led me off, away from the inner-guide area, out into the "world" there that I had never been anywhere in except where my guide's little white benches are under a big tree. We walked for quite some ways, and there was something up ahead which eventually we came to, and it was a double, elevated conveyor belt. About 3 feet wide, elevated around 4 feet off the ground, two next to each other. Like a manufacturing assembly line hahaha, with people standing on top, except I saw no people. There were small staircases every so often (quite some distance apart, but one near where we were), and we climbed one to step on it. Then we went (with the direction of the belt, which was right) on, and on, for quite some distance! Mostly fields and so on.

I was riding this thinking of two things. The first was, "Holy cats! Where the hell did all this come from?! Is this all me? Is this my mind generating an entire reality all on its own? Is this some intermediate-world that is like an interface between my brain, some energies, and this is the "translation point" where it all gets moved into symbols I recognize? Was it here all along??"

The second was, "How is it that he knows about this and I don't? How is that my Sun archetype is acting as autonomously as a person?!"

We eventually rolled into what seemed a town or city, but it was as if our rolling conveyor built for people, was the equivalent of a railroad or freeway in our world: the town was very clearly built "around" the thing. The buildings were a small dark brick like I've seen in pictures of Europe. They were simple and kind of long, like something several stories high, in a rectangular shape that went back about the size of a city block in my world. These were on both sides, and the conveyor-belt went through the middle. As we reached the buildings area, the ground around the belt became cobblestone, paved.

As we got into the city, I could look both ways and see all the way down the "roads" on either side -- all cobblestone, all made for foot traffic and nothing else it appeared -- until their end, maybe two or three buildings blocks away. There were extra stairs here, every "road" there had a stair to step up or down next to the belt. Sun indicated we should get off at one point finally, so we went down a staircase and walked down this street. The stores on either side seemed a little different, maybe a little old fashioned in some way I couldn't put my finger on. Nearly everything was made out of brick on the outside and a dark wood on the inside as far as I could see, but there were hardly any windows for some reason, and I didn't see anything electric -- I have no clue how the belt worked.

He walks me down this street and we go about halfway down the first block. We turn into this building at the right, and it seems to be a hotel. It's a big entry room, we are against the right side wall and at the far left side there is a counter (like hotels have) and a man behind it. The counter is made of a dark wood and the walls are either wood or paneled. Sun and the man nod silently at each other and Sun leads me straight back (going forward from the door), all the way to the back of the room and there is an elevator.

We get in it, and we go up, and we go all the way to the top. When we get out, on the left is the wall (the edge of that particular unit in the building), and the hallway extends apparently all the way to the far edge of the building, way down to the right. We walk all the way down to the very end of the hall, and there are doors on the left and right, and there is a door at the very end facing us. We go into that room.

The room was totally round, and it seemed empty. The ceiling was about twice the normal ceiling height, and it was rounded like a dome, and it was entirely glass windows. The light was incredible in there! Sun put his hands on my shoulders and sort of positioned me and then just... just... radiated me. In the best way. I physically gasped from it, and remembered that I was just sitting around with my eyes closed and all of this seemingly real experience was just an archetype meditation. I opened my eyes. Still normal. I closed my eyes. There we were.

I had this rather offbeat idea, not sure where I got it. I said, "Please... radiate away my fears." And as the light beamed into me, I could physically feel all these sharp little pains!, of various size and intensity and depth-placement, nearly all of which ranged from my solar plexus to the top of my heart for body-location. By the time that was over my eyes were wide and I was pretty much speechless. Finally, he took my hand, holding it, and we went back the entire way we came. Out the door, down the hall, into the elevator, down to the ground floor, into the hotel, out the door, onto the sideway, down the road, up the stairs, onto the conveyor, the other side this time, and all the way back to the hill where we'd climbed on, and then back through the field until I came to the tree with the small white benches where IG (inner guide) sat waiting.

So it's not like no archetype has ever been autonomous!

Two notes.

1: I later read of someone else working with a Sun archetype and asking them to radiate away their fears. Maybe this process is itself archetypal, and so spontaneous??

2. When Sun took me, we went right on the belt, right down the street, right into the building, turned face in the elevator, and right down the hallway. Dunno if it matters. But in the "cave" I actually go "through" for my archmeds?---if I continue in the cave, which I have a few times, it splits left and right, and there are doors and rooms in there, and each one has something different! No kidding.

One time I went right for example, and came to a stone stairway hewn out of the rock. I went down the stairs, and at the bottom was a little door on the left, in a little hallway. I opened the door, and this catholic monk with tonsure looks at me. He comes to me and talks to me, but this was at a time when I could not "hear" my guides at all so alas, it was like watching him with the mute button on. He realized this, and he took off some kind of big necklace that he had on and put it over my head, made the sign of the cross on my forehead, bowed, and went back in his room. I wandered back out of the cave, completely mystified at why of all things, some catholic dude would be living in a room downstairs off the right branch of my cave.)

But they don't often do something that, you might say, "contributes to the merge" process.

Well, wait, there was another that actually did...

I was at The Monroe Institute, Jan 2001. I was some ways into the second week (two programs taken together, not generally allowed, for good reason I learned) and we were supposed to be doing some meditation, in the Guidelines program, I can't remember what. I had this really overwhelming sense of needing to do an archetype meditation on Responsibility. This stemmed from an experience in one of the earlier tech-induced "visualization communication experiences" or whatever you want to call it.

So I went to my CHEC unit, which is basically a queen sized bed that is built into a sort of cabinet, with a black curtain that firmly seals on the one open part, so you are sitting in utter darkness. There are headphones and a light and such built into the wall by the bed. I was alone in the room downstairs, right next to the main big-room where we would decompress together, as my roommate, a friend I'd taken with me to the first program, had left. I put on my headphones and got into the darkness and the altered state and fell into an archmed on Responsibility.

When I met IG (inner guide), the first thing I understood when I asked him why I felt like doing this particular meditation, was that I profoundly misunderstood the nature of "Responsibility." To me, it has usually meant what it means (or is felt to mean) on the surface of our culture, our language. It's an ugly word that means some "burden" and "obligation" and "guilt-should-ought" sort of thing. But talking to IG, I realized as a sort of 'insight', that the word is Holy. That responsibility at core is the root of Divine Will. When we take responsibility for a family to shelter them, when we take responsibility for a work project to drive it to success, when we take responsibility for our own destiny, anything, it is a mundane "reflection" of a much higher dynamic that has octaves and harmonics all through our universe.

So I met the arch and I was so astonished that I just stood there for awhile, unsure what the heck to do with him. I've had everything, nearly. These meditations are infinitely creative. I've had a big black-knight chess pieces put a rotary saw blade in the inside of my arm as his exchange. I've had a guy with a big fish head and a harpoon through him. I've had a giant multi-faceted green dripping monster (heh. That was Saturn... when I was 30. I remember when the X-files came out I said about their logo, "Hey, it's Saturn-Green! How apropo."). I've had stuff so weird I can hardly translate it to words.

But this arch, it wasn't just about what he looked like. It was about how I felt about him. Which was, for lack of a better word, wildly drawn to him physically, in a sexy kind of way. Although I'd done some tantric stuff with archetypes before, that was always a deliberate plan and part of a ritual of sorts (don't get too excited about my morals, I was alone...!), I had never FELT that way toward an arch instantly, like I craved them merging into me like I was a sponge.

He was human... mostly. He reminded me of the kind of character that some cheap paperback scifi novel might have. Like a human who is genetically engineered to survive in the incredibly hostile environment of a foreign planet teeming with a combination of monsters and even flora and fauna that would get ya. He had sort of golden hair, not blonde but more like "bright tan". He had totally golden eyes, like a lion. (I once met a 'Lion' archetype a couple times, sitting in for Jesus in an experience. I even noted in them --Lucid dreams, both--"Hey, that reminds me of Aslan!") He was not any unusual size but I had a really strong impression of incredible "strength."

His teeth... were normal and very white except for the canines, which were... ah... sharp. I know, this is a little worrisome as a symbol I suppose, but to me it wasn't anything bad like a vampire but rather, a sign of the "wild" in him. And his skin... now that was the weird part. His skin was like a dark golden tan on his face and so forth but on the main of his arms, chest and legs (he wore something akin to shorts I guess) he had quills! Like a porcupine!--well, except they were a little diff. They were thinner, and softer, although my sense was that when they were made to stand up they were extremely sharp. And they were "lying flat" on his skin, his arms and legs and chest (I just didn't wonder about the rest I admit). I was completely overwhelmed by this 'understanding' that he was literally:

The very embodiment of the Ultimate Warrior.

I gotta give it to IG, this was definitely a whole new perspective on "Responsibility." Archmeds almost specialize in radically changing how you perceive things but that was pretty memorable.

I stood there looking at him, almost panting in desire. I just stared at him. And the meditation ended up being the sexiest seduction scene! And in being so, it seemed to cross some bizarre boundary out of the 'archetypal world' and into -- well, alllllmmmoooosssstttt -- into this world. It was surely as physical as an incubus/succus experience, I think.

He walks up to me, and he moves until he is perhaps 3 molecules from touching my lips with his, and he sort of breathe-growls at me,

You have to want me. You know you want me. Take my power unto you.

If it's possible to just faint away from sheer overwhelming lust I'd have done it about then.

I became aware of myself physically then -- that I was quite literally panting, and I became highly aware of the fact that I was sitting up against the wall on the side of my CHEC unit, in the pitch black. I felt more aware of every inch of my body than I ever had been.

He sort of warm-breathed down the side of my neck to my collarbone and I felt my head, dropping back a little, bump the wall, yet I could still feel him on my skin it seemed like, and he kissed my skin, and then I felt just the hint of his teeth and then---and then he was just... he was just there. There with me. He wasn't totally in the flesh of course... and yet... he wasn't just in the archworld either. HE was "aware" of my whole environment and position, and as we shifted, he was on the bed with me instead of standing in that world, and my legs spread out more as he sort of straddled one of my thighs and slid one hand under my arm and kissed my neck then, just enough of the warm breathe and the edge of sharp teeth to make my entire body hot-shiver.

A part of my mind was observing that this was the most remarkably body-real archmed I'd ever had. EVER. Another part of me was wondering, with a total lack of inhibition, if it would be physically possible to have sex with him right then and there, the sooner the better. Of course the watcher part of me was intellectually wondering if somehow, the combined energy of the people in my course, the overall grounds and psychic-experience level at TMI, and who knows what else, might be contributing to the "amplitude" of the experience.

Meanwhile, he was slowly kissing with teeth my body from one shoulder to the other and now and then leaning up against my cheek and saying in my ear, Ask for me. I am part of you. Tell me you want me. and by that time, as if I were another person, I was panting, yes... yes! A very distant part of my mind, watching the goings on with interest, was thinking with some humor about what this was going to sound like should anybody actually walk past the open door of my room.

He leans against my lips again, his whole body hard and strong against mine, literally pressing me back into the wall along every inch, and he says something like, The acceptance must come from deep inside you; submit to your destiny! (Heh. Well it made sense at the time and I admit I was not really thinking critically at that moment anyway.) I cried Yes! and in response he grabbed both my wrists and pushed them against the wall high above my head, one on either side of me, and I realized that "in real life"---I was sitting there in the CHEC unit with my hands pressed up against the wall on either side of me.

It was if somehow there were three realities going on at the same time: my normal one, the archetypal one, and some meeting in the middle that was a whole third world that "overlapped" with both the others but we were only fully in the center; not "wholly" in one nor the other.

I finally said, Yes. I accept! but just at that moment --

-- this tape at TMI is ending, and Bob Monroe's voice comes on talking about whatever it was we were supposed to do to wind down! LOL! What timing.

I instantly ripped off my headphones with one hand and threw them away from me and went back to what I was doing -- my hand went right back up to the wall.

I put my forehead against his and understood we were finally at the point where this could happen and he pushed against me, as if in sex, but thickly and slowly merged into my body. I couldn't even breathe while it was happening, it was so intense. And when he was finally fully in me, it was like he inverted in some way, so that then he was facing the way I was, and literally it felt as if I were wearing him like I was his skin. All the overtones of sex and fulfillment and so on were present... wowwwwwww.

My arms slid down the wall slowly, and my panting slowed down, and by now my eyes were open and it was light because throwing my headphones had pushed open the curtain and it was a bit light in the room as it was only dusk. I felt this huge need to just lie there and "experience" us together, quietly, alone, for at least a few hours.

Just then, someone pops their head in to tell me that Joe McMoneagle is speaking in the other building and I had to come out and go over there for that. I was staying with Joe and Scooter between and after the TMI courses I was taking, so perhaps this had less effect on me than it would on some people, since I think I muttered something very antisocial at that point. The person said it was not optional. So very grouchily, wanting more than anything to be alone for awhile, I get up and I go over to the place where Joe is going to be talking.

I never was so overwhelmed by the need to be someplace else in my life. I was in utter misery every minute of it. I was so trying to be patient and interested because normally, I totally would be, but I was so wrapped up in the recent experience that all I could think about was how much I didn't want to be in the bright light surrounded by people with someone talking.

And I could feel Responsibility inside me. I could feel this odd "strength" in my hands that I recognized as his. I felt as if, were a psychic to look at me closely or at the right moment just then, they might actually SEE the archetype through me, as if we were two films showing on the same screen or something. I could feel his strength through my body in what I would now call "ghost body" feelings, in RV it's a bit similar, like if you are feeling something that (we assume) someone in the target felt, it's like it's your body yet it's not like some "overlay/over-through".

And I felt this really powerful sense that this had only begun some process, and that what I called "Responsibility" was about "Destiny".

Perhaps this is the kind of meditation only a lonely, middle aged Virgo x4 would have. I suppose the only thing sexier would have been if we were in a library....

.... I am just kidding. Virgo jokes. Not everyone gets 'em.

What was I talking about before I made myself all randy writing this?! Oh yeah. The archetype meditation! So my point was (... a bit long in the making ...) that I guess I have, actually, had archetypes who "actively and autonomously participated in facilitating the merge process."

Actually, hell, after that story, the current one seems so boring as to not be worth bothering with, hahaha!

So back to the vaguely big-headed froggish man with "three rows" of brows at each side and vaguely greenish rubbery skin. I set my process to go on without my direct attention, and that was good as Lu and Ry came back to the car just then and we drove off. I stopped to get gas, and while Lu was filling the car and Ry was getting a soda, I finished the archmed.

When I tuned back in, I saw that the "density and intensity" of mine had grown to really cool degrees, as had his. I looked at them both more closely and I felt that not only had they sort of filled with energy (looking like a light-body, each of them) but that they had then improved the "quality and creativity" of the energy; inside was all kinds of sense of color and curly and so on, like a Mandelbrot fractal in 4D or something.

We each merged into the light-body of the other. It was a really good rush, so I know whatever we did worked. Then we merged into each other. I realized that I'd just done the Four symbology---two male/female merge, then those merge, ending with one. I felt pretty good about it.

I thanked IG for helping. Either I am getting closer to him and can see him better, or he is getting a bit more unusual. He has some kind of small gills at the side of his face. He has spots down the side of his head and neck like a Star Trek "Trill" symbiote-host. (Actually the "symbiote" symbology, for an identity that "lives inside me" really could not be more apropriate!) His eyes are a bit odd, his skin texture is a bit unusual, and I swear he has some very odd fishy-eely-human overlay that I can't quite grasp. I went to him and hugged him and said, "I love that you are so weird. All my other IG's were so normal!"

Then I wrapped it up, and that was that.

But my utter SURPRISE at when this arch actively volunteered and began building his own light-body to pour energy into, for me, makes me think that all my talk here about how I respect the consciousness of everything, and I know everything operates as an identity, yada yada yada... must be on some level, just armchair theory.

Because if I really believed and respected the autonomy of my targets and my archetypes (I am still working out the difference....), I shouldn't be surprised at all.

It seems to me.

Threads

I can't shake the memory of that "Library of Me," and me trying to hang on up high while the entire edifice of bookshelf and contents began to fall into chaos and collapse.

I feel as if this is so literal. As if I can actually feel that inside me, like I am breaking up into many component parts and it's going to be a big tumbling rearrangement of everything. Do you suppose all the kings horses and all the king's men can put me back together again? And what good are the horses supposed to do, anyway?

I've been stressing over job issues, over money issues, over health issues, over child issues, over mate issues, over friend issues, a root canal I needed 10 years ago and didn't get has come back to haunt me and dental stuff is always, for me, my reality-sign of major "fundamental" stuff going on with me. My A/C house system semi-quit working and the heat has been horrible which has made me the dragon lady. I just feel as if every major issue in my life is coming up in my face at the same time for some reason.

My dad just retired two weeks ago, after a year of living in terror about how when this happened they'd be so poor and my stepmom's job (which didn't make much) would be the only thing and since they are to some degree my "stability link" that was worrisome enough. But then tonight they tell me she got fed up and quit her job so they're taking their (old, but new to them) RV and both the cats and they're going to tour Texas and Arizona and so on.... in late July.

Yeah. Alrighty then.

So a little while ago, sitting in the walmart parking lot while Lu The Stoic, commanded by Evil Queen Me, ran in to buy more A/C filters, I did a quick archmed on whatever I needed most right then with a special thought for my life's stability particularly in job/money areas.

The arch was pretty unique. OK, they all are, but really... he was "composed" of a loose mass of short little threads, each one a different color. It looked rather like when you apply graphic color "noise" to an image except the dots were little threads. But then, from around his collarbone, his whole neck and head was stretched waaaaaaay up away from his body, and I had the sense that there was something "in" him that was "distorting his pattern" causing this.

I got into him like a medical thing and removed all kinds of "spacer bars" and other things that seemed designed to distort his body in this fashion. I took a whole bundle of metal-like short posts and such out of him, and dealt with them. Went back to him and apologized for so "mucking up his pattern." Instead of a trade I felt we could merge so I tried it out, and got a decent little rush that tells me it worked at least a little. Got out of it just in time to start the car and leave.

Humor, maybe: my Warder of sorts (in the most delightfully Green way) tells me that as it turns out while I was dreaming of the library of me, he was in something between a dream and meditation where he was in a library where every book had my name in front of a title and each book was some aspect of my life. Neat shared symbology! I was going to do archmed work on that nifty symbol but, the heat has made me really unwilling to do anything but slither around growling at the universe.

Oh yeah! Well I'd planned a second session as the first was short, but blew it and by the time I woke up -- early, actually, especially for a Sunday -- feedback had posted like an hour before. So I'm in the doghouse, I blew it. I had Ry go scan and email me the image right then anyway, I hope better late than never. I can't say any of the data is correct as it turns out there is no feedback except the tasking and target; the "focus" of the target's task is on a "source" of what is seen in the photo. Brief session here.

I read my email and though I don't respond to much these days for time issues, I just want folks who write me about stuff here to know that I read them and I really appreciate them. Sorry I'm an antisocial cretin, glad someone likes me anyway.

The Wall of Fear

The Senior had told me to come to the Tower regularly. But every time I show up, with all those new people ("aspects" or whatever) there, I respond so weirdly. The first few times I was insanely shy, and literally had this feeling of curling up like a kid against one of the Four. Earlier and then again tonight I went to the tower, everybody was there of course, and I realized that what I feel is outright fear. It comes in waves and spots and bombs depending on who I'm looking at.

Last night I had the bright idea that I would attempt to integrate a little (again, it clearly needs far more work) with each of the other aspects. Nero was there and I haven't seen him since whenever I mentioned him last, except "there" peripherally. So I decided to start with him. I faced him, and even him, I just felt extreme "turbulent" fear with, despite that I know he is cool.

My sense was that all these new aspects as a total package are like... hmmn. I used to call the four elementals of soul, "the linoleum theory," like how you look down at some tile and each four create a whole pattern, but then each of the four are linked in different positions into several other 4-patterns, too. Plus, of course, larger patterns. Well it is like maybe I got "the next ring out," like say 16 or whatever, more tiles all around us. I know that all those identities are part of me and when I am able to accept them, and basically "extend myself through them" in doing so, there will be some benefit to this, more power, more identity, more whatever it is that we think is evolutionary. For whatever reason I am having a difficult time with that apparently.

I had such a problem with Nero---I was completely incapable of merging with him at all---that I asked him and my inner guide (who I called to me for the occasion) and they both said sure, I can work in the tower, with these parts of me, just like I work with archetypes. So I laid him out on a medical table and looked at him, knowing there would be something up since I was having such issues with him.

I kept finding these big, kind of heavy-metal pieces of stuff in him, like formed stainless steel pieces of some structure or object that had gotten somehow half-deep into him. I would take each of them out gently, dissolve them and dump them into the waste grill under my feet to be washed out of the body. I turned him over and finally, the last major visible issue was this really big heavy all-metal knife that was in his back but down toward the lower right side a bit. I worked carefully on getting it out of him without pain, and then decided when I breathed and counted to 3 I would totally "let go of the part of myself that is that knife" and transmute the now-seems-separate energy into gold light at the same time. To my astonishment when I did this, it was a totally body-rocking amazing rush of buzzing energy. So... I guess it did SOME good.

Then tonight I went back to the tower and this time really paid attention. I decided that I have to deal with all this fear. I believe I'm having some offbeat side effects in my reality as a result of it in really fundamental areas of life I don't want to screw with (like my job). So I went back, and let myself feel whatever came to me. The amount and variety of fear was just ridiculous.

I asked the other three of me for help and finally the senior put his hand into my heart and I felt that I had the strength to deal with it because I AM, autonomously, and all is me, and I command. Then "she" put her fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through great love, and compassion, and nobility, and infinite flexibility. And then my mate put his fist into my heart too and I felt I had the strength to deal with it through sheer courage and skill and toughness. Then I merged with him, and the other two together, and then all into one.

I found myself crying to them that when they left me before (long ago, not on this blog, when they were each "sacrificed," died in my inner world in a deep dream, and I did not see them for a long time after that) I was utterly bereft, and I begged them to please, never ever leave me again. I could feel that somehow my fear with all the others had at least a little relation to my fear about losing The Four.

So I had to figure out how to deal with all the fear which was just too much at once. Recalling an ancient dream where a friend of mine had "a whole jungle" of dark spiky stuff held in "stasis" in a big, endlessly deep blue pool, I decided that this might be the route. I would create a thoughtform to "hold the fear-energy in stasis," and then I would see if I could move it outside me into this thoughtform. Then I could see it. Not sure why but it seemed important that I see it, that it not be just some hidden feeling, but that I could objectify it.

So I imagined a big clear box that would hold the energy, and I went through myself, looking at the various people, letting the waves of fear come in and then imagining gathering all that energy up together and pushing it into the stasis-box, where it would be held safely for me. I had to do this for awhile, on all six sides of this clear cube. Finally I felt that most of my primary fear had been projected into this thoughtform-box and I could now step back and consider it.

There was way too much for the box; it had a real density/intensity as a result. So I imagined that it spread out into a maybe 12" thick whole 'wall' of clear stasis-container. Imagine if a fish tank were floor to ceiling, an entire wall, and about a foot deep, it looked like that. And all the energy was "roiling"---that word came to mind---inside. There were a zillion shades and textures and densities and more.

I found myself just left of center, looking at this yellow-red area and somehow I "knew" that this was the fear related to cowardice. I thought that was curious, given the yellow and wondered if that human association had some good reason for the color it turns out. I walked to the right a little and, like a wall-sized spectrum, it blended into light orange-red, that was a sort of fear of self expression (I associated this with 'creative fear'). Onward to dark orange-red and it became fear that linked into the core of my ego (my 'focus personality' as Seth would put it).

When it reached bright red-red the fear was merely outright terror: no association, no shading, nothing but fear itself (and maybe fear-of-fear). I continued walking to the right and looking into the clear wall, and the energy, still 'roiling' everywhere of course, turned into a sort of red-blue. It felt literally like this was a sort of conscious-"ouchie" bruise sort of fear, like hurt feelings and fear related to things like my looks or my social status and things like that. This blended gradually into a dark, red-purple area of hues, which felt like "deep old wounds" that had never healed, like fear resulting from things that somehow had caused my heart great injury over time. I was at the far wall now, so I turned and walked back to just left of center where I began.

Looking at the yellow-red, I went left then, and the colors shaded into a sort of light muddy red-brown and then darker and darker brown. I felt that this was fear that was filled with biological toxins, essentially fear that if properly vented would be a flu-style bathroom experience, and although all the other shades so far, I had felt were variants on fear-energy, this felt literally like "trash-toxin," something that was not really any energy that needed to be redeemed, but rather, something that just flat-out needed to be vented out of me.

Moving farther to the left, the brown shaded into actual black, and this was really just horrible. My sense was that this was literally toxic in the manner of being disease, on every level, rotting putrid blackness that was beyond mere 'vent this out please' and in need of a HAZMAT crew.

I stepped back then and looked at the entire "wall of fear", with the bright red-red in center and the whole spectrum from left to right. It was a rather odd feeling, to sense that so much of my fear was literally spread out in front of me. I had the feeling that if I were a little better with conscious inner work, I would be able to look into any little part of the wall and focus in and actually 'see' events that had led to or generated the energy in that place.

It was waaaaaay too much to deal with all at once though. I asked IG and the Senior if it would be possible and ok for me to literally leave my fear "in stasis," similar to how my friend had had it. One of them led me to understand that I could do this, but if I did it indefinitely I would have really severe reality and/or health problems from it, so this had to be a very short term thing. I agreed to that. I just wanted to go off and think about it some and ponder on a way of approaching "dealing with" that much stuff at once.

So I closed the meditation. It was time to go view then.

To start my viewing, I always visualize anchoring my kundalini and solar plexus in the core of the earth, and then in the center of galaxy from my crown, and then I imagine the 'string' of energy from one to the other has me, like a shish-ka-bob (haha), and that my spine alines with it. This is no big deal, just about 7-10 seconds on average. So I "sunk me into the core" and realized...

...it felt different. It was like there was no-feeling. Normally when I do this, I feel some vague sense of relief, and a grounding, and an actual affection, for myself as part of earth so to speak, like I am anchoring with mother-energy. As I wondered why it suddenly felt so different, a sort of "insight" came to me, about myself and this process:

The good emotions are actually a side-effect of chronic low-level fear of being separated from self, from that which is part of me. As my fear was held in stasis at that moment, the other emotions didn't follow-on, and I was able to understand that dynamic. I had this sort of reminder -insight: All fear is based on fear of separation from self.

I sort of just sat with this for a few moments, waiting for it to make a little more sense to me. Then I understood that this directly relates to my fear in the Tower, and the reason why mysteriously I was blurting out "Don't leave me!" to the other 3 of 4 earlier. They are a part of me, and although it took me years to accept the larger-me that includes them, now I fear losing them. All the other aspects that the Senior brought to the tower for integration, they make me feel threatened, on many levels, all about loss of self in a few ways, but also loss of the core of us four.

I had this idea that the reality of the universe is something like, "It never was me. It always is me." that I would realize the whole question of what is a part of me vs. separate from me is actually a nonsequiter: in some fashion, there is no such thing. Everything both totally is part of me, and totally is not (I know this makes no sense in linear words, but it does to me in some ineffable way), and hence I can never actually "lose or gain" anything. Facing the "gain and acquisition" of the additional aspects, highlights the flip side of the same belief: that if I can gain parts of me, I can lose them too. Neither are really accurate. In reality, we are all and nothing, and it's just a matter of what we are willing to "extend our attention to."

No FB on the session till this weekend. Hoping to do another on that target.

Before I closed up my lab book (which is both a session book and magical diary of sorts), I had the thought that the wall of fear might require actual divine intervention to properly deal with, of the Jesus - Michael - Sun variety. I will have to do that another night, though. I have to work early.