On My Road.

The other day I realized that my life already belongs to RV. It's not really even a question. It's not something that still needs to be decided. That's been the way it is since the instant I heard of it. It was mine. I was there, it was here, and the whole process was just a matter of the details from then on.

I've taken breaks, mostly from the "online field" that I've let drive me crazy -- something which recently I think I kind of moved past fortunately, finally -- and I've been chronically time-limited and sleep-deprived pretty much the entire period I've been involved with RV, so I've sucked at viewing anything even when I tried, and sucked at trying consistently anyway.

Even a little consistency kicks up my results, and the moment they start getting interesting I have quit viewing. Repeatedly. It's been a 12-year cycle.

Thursday night I made a radical change in myself.

I made a committment. Or rather, I accepted the one I already made.

I've always been committed to Remote Viewing in general. But often I've felt that my own viewing literally was in competition with my "accomplishing something constructive with larger results," and that has changed. Changed a lot. That night, I made a commitment to myself. To my own viewing.

I'm amazing, you know. It's just a matter of time until I can prove it. ;-)

I wrote in the Firedocs RV blog that night, in the post "I AM a Universal Translator":

Screw objectivity.
I want to share perception with the other.

I know my path now. And Remote Viewing isn't actually the end goal, funny enough. RV is a bridge to something so much bigger, to the conscious interaction with self, with the very nature of reality, that it's indescribable. I'm sure the rest of my life won't be enough to work all that out, though I feel my archetype and aspect RV are a start for me. For now, RV is my doorway, and it is my road.

I've always been on it. I just didn't get my act together to be aware enough until now; to take responsibility for where I am... and where I need to be.

I'm not here by accident. It's not that I've been wandering. I've always been on the road, but I've been so busy worrying about whether the road was well-paved for others that I've completely neglected my own focus.

That is changing now. People can walk that road or they can fall off the highway or never find it to begin with, and it is not going to be my concern anymore. I'll document my own journey as well as I can, as my breadcrumbs on the trail. But the journey is mine and it's long overdue.

Illinois central, Monday morning rail

Been on trains, planes and automobiles. Nearly home now. In a few hours I get up and catch a plane for home.

I like the train, with a couple exceptions; in general, it's neat. Below is what I was blogging earlier, but couldn't get online to post until now.

o0o

just after dark, 3rd December 2006, somewhere in Illinois

I am nearly alone in the dark. A few minutes ago it was light, and the train was rocking and rolling along, and everything seemed normal. Then all the lights went off, and in a sudden eerie silence, we slid to a stop.

Not a planned stop. It's dark outside, yet somehow the trees are recognizeably black-on-black as figures in the night. A very odd, muted wailing-whine has begun, two strands of anti-harmony that made the other few people in my small train car giggle nervously. They say now that the power has gone out and the engineers are working to restore it. The world outside seems like a lonely planet, with not even a moon to reflect on the featureless snow.

My novel is no fun in the dark, so I turned on my computer to blog.

I'm feeling a bit entranced today, maybe following on my attempt to seriously meditate last night in my sleeper car. Today I feel as if I am a halfling, caught between two worlds. One world is Mundania, as Piers called it, where all things are logical, the 'real' world as we pretend to know it so we'll feel better thinking reality is really that small. The other world is something else, something filled with shapes and shadows, with astronomically improbable convenience of circumstance showing up just on time and then receding into the unmanifest like that is normal. It feels as if there are vague but living energies reaching right into my body, yet somehow a few steps toward the astral part of it, tugging on me, calling like a destiny I recognize as part of me but can't seem to remember its name.

All day today, thinking about returning to my 'normal' life at home, it has felt like something in a dream. I have the oddest sense, as if all of reality is a total illusion, a game that we are all playing, supporting each others' delusions, psychically arranging to only meet or talk about the points of reality we think we have in common for the most part. It feels as if there are two very distinct worlds: one on the surface, that we think is the normal one, but is actually an interesting veneer, woven like a group dream out of the strings of time. The other, the 'real' world, a vastly deeper, infinitely more complex world, is what is really 'real', but which the liliputians on the surface of my reality dismiss as dream and fantasy. I try not to pay too much attention to it. I don't want the Lilliputians to know just how different I am from most of them. I don't want them to know I am not a character on their safe surface world. My deeper roots only frighten people. My adulthood is a testament to my dedicated attempt to learn how--and successfully--convince the people around me that we share an agreement about reality.

I felt the pull today. I haven't felt that since... 1993-5, my Bewilderness phase. I felt the pull of "coincidence I can count on." It was pitch black. "Give me light while I type the password," I thought, only to instantly have a light from some engineer outside flash in my window on my keyboard. The moment I finished typing it was past. Are those precognition... the arrangement of the present to fit the impending... or? I wasn't surprised somehow. I have been talking with my body today. My beautiful friend. My earth elemental that has been so unrecognized and unthanked most of my life. It is indeed the ultimate Warder: the strength that carries me, defends me, anchors me in this world. My body has been my best friend lately. Ever since I nearly poisoned it by taking that medicine I was allergic to... I have been suddenly more aware of it, aware that maybe I am a selfish shallow brat not to have realized that my body has its own destiny, its own life, its own joy in living, and my ignoring it and abuse of it is so unfair. Body and I have become much closer the last day or so in particular.

Today I'm distracted. I want to know truth. Back in that bewilderness era, I knew it. I could feel it, because it was so strongly inside me that I could recognize the distortions, distractions, confusions and evasions that stripped truth of its natural beauty. Nobody would believe. It doesn't matter. I could feel 'the red thread of truth' as I called it, in what people said, in anything I read. I could separate truth from intent, another subtlety. It occurs to me to wonder why it is that the moment I launched into remote viewing well over a decade ago, the massive conscious psi that I had accepted as simply novel and inexplicable, actually went away almost entirely. It is as if a person who dreamed throughout their entire daily experience, suddenly was told, "Look here, how fascinating--you can dream when you sleep!"--and suddenly, something about the mental model of that, caused dreams to cease except during sleep.

Did it wake my ego left brain up to protect me? How did I go from being impossibly psychic as thoroughly as I breathed, to studying psi yet having almost none of it manifest anymore, except in occasional dreams or experiences?

I think... I think that is what I need to make a decision about. It is my focus, as the Narrator made clear to me years ago. You get what you focus upon, as Seth said. I always do. I am always intense. But I let my focus get distracted and diffused and join the drama-queen of surface reality. I've used "doing" things to cloak awareness of "being".

Until now, I haven't felt like I had the energy to live the degree of self-integrity that I maintained in those years, that allowed me that kind of awareness. The effort to maintain awareness of every thought, to pull back from every tempting daydream, and from all the small sarcasms of daily life, was huge. It was a bliss of awareness, with the exhilaration of courage, and the unbelievable exhaustion of constant internal change. I was so happy, and yet, I recognized the sheer amount of work that it took to hold that state of mind, state of being, state of grace, was so much more work than most anybody would be willing to invest.

I miss that, for the first time in a long time.

[later]

So, as usual the power was out in our train car. Nobody woke us to tell us we were at the kansas city train station. I woke up just in time to see the lights, realize where we were, get my stuff and get out the door before the train drove off with me to somewhere else.

The Kansas City "Union Station" is apparently the biggest in the country except New York. I feel about it rather like I do the Atlanta airport. On one hand, you have to admit that it's gigantic and it's got tons of stuff and so on. On the other hand, if you make the mistake of feeling like the important thing is getting on a train or a plane, then your feelings maybe different. In Atlanta, even with trams and moving sidewalks the place is so huge you need to wear running shoes and just ship your luggage UPS to your destination instead. At the KC union station, once you finally get around the big area with the little train and all the shops and diners and such, and get yourself into where the actual train ticket counter etc. is, once you have done everything and there's nothing more to do than get on or off a train, THEN you get to go outside, in like -2F degree weather, and walk about a city block down this sidewalk, and then this lonnnnnnng flight of steps (there is an elevator fortunately), and then down this lonnnng sidewalk beside the train. Should your nose fall off from the freezing cold prior to that, there is nobody to help you. Train cars, like hotel rooms, are always the farthest possible distance they can be from wherever you start. It's like some kind of cosmic law. I found myself blessing myself for having shipped my luggage home, all but my personal laptop and a small carryon. It was still hard work!

I was waiting to see if my kid or my friend came online. After insisting I couldn't leave her, the kid has disappeared for half an hour now. My friend is probably working or busy or something. I should go take a shower but I'm freezing here. I think I'll see if the radiator in this cheap motel room is capable of anything more interesting than what I feel. At this rate I'm going to put my coat and scarves back on and just sleep in my clothes.

Meanwhile... being away from home, although not a huge thing as I worked during it, was at least 'away from home' which was a nice break. If I could just get enough sleep now, to feel human and strong, I can begin the priority shift I came to while away.

Must sleep now.

Time to live, I hope.

I keep forgetting to blog. I need to stay on it. Later, rereading stuff, it does me good.

Had a brief moment after a session recently. Flew to my Inner Guide. I see him more clearly all the time. I try not to be vaguely weirded out by this. He is sort of like if you crossed a human, and maybe an eel or something. Mostly human but... different. His eyes and ears and the side of his face and his skin. I believe the I.G. is a reflection of a part of me, so it doesn't matter, but I find it interesting as none of my I.G.'s have ever been anything but totally human before. Strangely, I vaguely associate the "fishian" overlay with natal and core psychology stuff.

I took him with me to the Tower, as the Senior had asked me to visit more often. I feel very odd when I am there with all the others. I feel extremely shy, and always look for my mate of the four and hold him with my head against his chest like a shy kid. I've never been shy in my life, so it's a weird feeling, especially to have in a meditation. Maybe following on my weird comment to Cosmos my cat the other night, I looked at the Senior and heard myself blurt out, "I don't want to die yet." (!! This spontaneous thing is kinda worrisome you know?!) He said seriously, "It is always your choice."

Anyway, eventually (I've forgotten some details) I decided that what I want to do is Remote Viewing. And I suddenly felt the time was right and I stood up alone and straight and said, "I request, in honor, that all of you give me this: I want to use Remote Viewing as my way of acting out God's Divine Will. I want this, and I have PAID MY DUES. I deserve it: it is mine!" Oddly it seemed as if they all half-expected this and felt it was about time.

I had the sense that my recent misery at hours and hours of my limited off-time spent doing manual archives of RV discussion lists from years ago... had simply finally put my Virgo self-imposed suffering to some level where finally I felt like I "deserved" skill and success with it. We of Four merged, though not the others. Still not a real intense merge which tells me I'm not fully integrated with it yet.

I had time for a quickie session just a bit ago. Have been determined to do at least a little viewing in the practice galleries to support them, but this is the first time I've gotten around to it in eons. Of course, wouldn't you know, I got all the data any viewer should need, but many aspects of it were just like a movie (Superman Returns) that I saw just a few hours ago, so I dismissed them. Also had a couple 'mini-movie' daydreams (where spontaneously I'm just 'in an experience, where like a dream I feel I know everything sometimes, and then I snap back here. But usually, when I get back to attention here, it was all so fast I can't remember much of it).

It was not good but it wasn't horrifying (esp for a quickie) so I let the session be public. That oughtta cure any inclination anybody in there might ever have to make me a guru.

The Warder

I recently read The Eye of the World, which is Book 1 of the series The Wheel of Time, by Robert Jordan. I liked it a lot. I got the first 9 books of the series to plow through. I don't do much fiction reading anymore so I love the escapism of it.

In the book there is this relationship role I rather liked, of a man with a woman in this case, he calls it a Warder. I imagine there's more info on this in later books, and I only have a small idea of the overall concept. I think, if you imagine a "different take" on "types of mating," maybe that would explain it.

I never thought I would marry. Even as a young child. I had a sense of "internal solitude," as well as a sense of having some sort of reason that would carry me in that way: traveling, interacting, protecting, communicating, teaching, but never really settling and sharing myself.

When I was about 13 and read Lord of the Rings, I encountered the character of Gandalf, and I remember thinking of this consciously at the time: that he was the closest character I had found to the "feeling" I had about my own role in adulthood. There was some sense of a person who "travels alone, even when they are surrounded by others."

I had a brief period of time from 16-19 where I had three boyfriends and in each we informally planned marriage, which we never got around to before ending it. And then I took a 10 year vow of celibacy. This didn't seem overly unusual to me at the time.

I remember when this changed. It was in January of 1995. I got a "Psychic Public Service Announcement," which is to say, I became aware of information that was broadcast very generically, regarding a new 'cycle' in the world and a substantial shift in the... novelty of experience that was expected as part of that. It coincided, almost as a 'by the way' sub-data, which what we call 'end times' etc. I realized that, as things were, I would not have the opportunity to "live a normal life this time." And to my astonishment, I felt a terrible sadness; my heart actually breaking. I didn't know until that moment that I wanted such a thing.

Within a few months I was married, breaking my 10 year vow 3 months early, and the next year I had a child. Talk about change. I changed my pattern, as the book might say. Drastically. My hyper-psi-awareness went underground as the other part of me manifested.

It feels they are starting to turn. Like a bookshelf that gradually turns and leaves the person standing there in another room entirely.

Now, as I get older, and my little girl is nearly 10, more and more of the feeling that I had most of my life starts to return to me. A sense of solitude and a need for it; a sense that on some level I am always alone and that is just the way of it; a sense that no matter how I love, or who I love, that there are "greater priorities" inside me, that drive me, and that I have a job to do and what I am doing does tie into it in places, but, that it will lead me, and this is an assignment with a level of dedication beyond what words can explain.

I feel as if what some call Divine Will is present in me, though much maligned by my own typical lack of clarity and maturity etc. It tells me that everything is ok. That I am where I need to be. That I am doing what I need to be doing. It does keep leaning on issues like health, and allowing myself more creative expression, and a need for more and regular sleep and meditation. But in general, I feel that not only do I have a path, but I am walking it, and everything is ok. It's all going according to schedule. Whatever that means.

I feel that the remote viewing things I pursue have a greater and deeper reason behind them, than whatever I might imagine is my reasoning. I feel that there are plans for my future that continue in that realm, but I don't know or even want to know the detail; I am doing what I feel is right for now. I plod along and every night and weekend put what effort I can into what seems right, what needs doing, an ongoing communication-set via internet. I feel the picture will gradually unfold itself, and I am not in any hurry.

My internal feelings, about myself, my destiny, my friends, etc. are beginning to get more intense, the way they were when I was younger. But unlike where I was for the last 10 years, even in my head, I feel as if a certain solitude is returning. Not that I will never be intimate with another person, just that the white picket fence suburbia life... I had my chance. Like a gift, it was given to me because I grieved for not getting it, because I wanted it so deeply, but... I feel as if gradually, it's ending. Not soon or immediately. Not in any bad way. Just in general.

In Jordan's book, the Aes Sedai (women with the magic) seldom marry. This is mostly I expect because their first dedication is to, well, a higher purpose that their 'magical order' (about the only parallel in our world besides a church) embraces.

It is the same with the Warders, a man who commits to an Ais Sedai (and she to him) in what I called above, a "different type of mating." Rather than being romantic and sexual, it is more an issue of shared energy, shared purpose, and mutual protection. It is a bond deeper than brother or best friend, deeper than priest or father, and different than marital-mate; lacking the sexual angle (anything overt anyway), it also lacks the many issues that "cloud" relationships of that sort, but as they are both powerful people, those powerful energies are sublimated into the relationship in other ways.

It is, you might say, the protective and spiritual bond of people who do not allow themselves a sexual and emotional mating; but who channel the power of those human needs into the type of mating they have. The result is entirely sexy and emotional to consider, as you might imagine; as if the lack of those elements only highlights them.

In a world where people were better capable of not having sex with other people at every whim, where a spiritual-psychic dedication really could come first in a person's life, this kind of relationship might be do-able. Not that many people are that deep, that singleminded, that committed to the divine will inside them. That able to commit to anything.

Somewhere out there, there is a Warder for me.