The Warder

I recently read The Eye of the World, which is Book 1 of the series The Wheel of Time, by Robert Jordan. I liked it a lot. I got the first 9 books of the series to plow through. I don't do much fiction reading anymore so I love the escapism of it.

In the book there is this relationship role I rather liked, of a man with a woman in this case, he calls it a Warder. I imagine there's more info on this in later books, and I only have a small idea of the overall concept. I think, if you imagine a "different take" on "types of mating," maybe that would explain it.

I never thought I would marry. Even as a young child. I had a sense of "internal solitude," as well as a sense of having some sort of reason that would carry me in that way: traveling, interacting, protecting, communicating, teaching, but never really settling and sharing myself.

When I was about 13 and read Lord of the Rings, I encountered the character of Gandalf, and I remember thinking of this consciously at the time: that he was the closest character I had found to the "feeling" I had about my own role in adulthood. There was some sense of a person who "travels alone, even when they are surrounded by others."

I had a brief period of time from 16-19 where I had three boyfriends and in each we informally planned marriage, which we never got around to before ending it. And then I took a 10 year vow of celibacy. This didn't seem overly unusual to me at the time.

I remember when this changed. It was in January of 1995. I got a "Psychic Public Service Announcement," which is to say, I became aware of information that was broadcast very generically, regarding a new 'cycle' in the world and a substantial shift in the... novelty of experience that was expected as part of that. It coincided, almost as a 'by the way' sub-data, which what we call 'end times' etc. I realized that, as things were, I would not have the opportunity to "live a normal life this time." And to my astonishment, I felt a terrible sadness; my heart actually breaking. I didn't know until that moment that I wanted such a thing.

Within a few months I was married, breaking my 10 year vow 3 months early, and the next year I had a child. Talk about change. I changed my pattern, as the book might say. Drastically. My hyper-psi-awareness went underground as the other part of me manifested.

It feels they are starting to turn. Like a bookshelf that gradually turns and leaves the person standing there in another room entirely.

Now, as I get older, and my little girl is nearly 10, more and more of the feeling that I had most of my life starts to return to me. A sense of solitude and a need for it; a sense that on some level I am always alone and that is just the way of it; a sense that no matter how I love, or who I love, that there are "greater priorities" inside me, that drive me, and that I have a job to do and what I am doing does tie into it in places, but, that it will lead me, and this is an assignment with a level of dedication beyond what words can explain.

I feel as if what some call Divine Will is present in me, though much maligned by my own typical lack of clarity and maturity etc. It tells me that everything is ok. That I am where I need to be. That I am doing what I need to be doing. It does keep leaning on issues like health, and allowing myself more creative expression, and a need for more and regular sleep and meditation. But in general, I feel that not only do I have a path, but I am walking it, and everything is ok. It's all going according to schedule. Whatever that means.

I feel that the remote viewing things I pursue have a greater and deeper reason behind them, than whatever I might imagine is my reasoning. I feel that there are plans for my future that continue in that realm, but I don't know or even want to know the detail; I am doing what I feel is right for now. I plod along and every night and weekend put what effort I can into what seems right, what needs doing, an ongoing communication-set via internet. I feel the picture will gradually unfold itself, and I am not in any hurry.

My internal feelings, about myself, my destiny, my friends, etc. are beginning to get more intense, the way they were when I was younger. But unlike where I was for the last 10 years, even in my head, I feel as if a certain solitude is returning. Not that I will never be intimate with another person, just that the white picket fence suburbia life... I had my chance. Like a gift, it was given to me because I grieved for not getting it, because I wanted it so deeply, but... I feel as if gradually, it's ending. Not soon or immediately. Not in any bad way. Just in general.

In Jordan's book, the Aes Sedai (women with the magic) seldom marry. This is mostly I expect because their first dedication is to, well, a higher purpose that their 'magical order' (about the only parallel in our world besides a church) embraces.

It is the same with the Warders, a man who commits to an Ais Sedai (and she to him) in what I called above, a "different type of mating." Rather than being romantic and sexual, it is more an issue of shared energy, shared purpose, and mutual protection. It is a bond deeper than brother or best friend, deeper than priest or father, and different than marital-mate; lacking the sexual angle (anything overt anyway), it also lacks the many issues that "cloud" relationships of that sort, but as they are both powerful people, those powerful energies are sublimated into the relationship in other ways.

It is, you might say, the protective and spiritual bond of people who do not allow themselves a sexual and emotional mating; but who channel the power of those human needs into the type of mating they have. The result is entirely sexy and emotional to consider, as you might imagine; as if the lack of those elements only highlights them.

In a world where people were better capable of not having sex with other people at every whim, where a spiritual-psychic dedication really could come first in a person's life, this kind of relationship might be do-able. Not that many people are that deep, that singleminded, that committed to the divine will inside them. That able to commit to anything.

Somewhere out there, there is a Warder for me.