Monday, July 17, 2006

The Only Living Boy in New York

That subject is the title of a great Paul Simon song. My archmed earlier today made me think of it. (I think his "Negotiations and Love Songs" [Greatest Hits collection] is one of the best albums of all time.)

You know how I keep saying that I want to work with archetypes (and targets, and aspects, and... well, let's just say reality) "from the inside" and so on. But how come, if I believe this, every time any identity does something new that seems autonomous, I am so astonished?

I mean, for someone who allegedly believes that everything is consciousness, I sure am surprised when anything shows signs of it. Even in the smallest ways.

Another archmed on what I needed most, let the IG work out the details. The arch was kinda funky. There was the vaguest frogginess about him, though he was human, his head was a bit big. You know the texture of rubbery green skin and those bony-looking "heavy brow" shapes around the eyes that literally shape the head... a bit odd. I could not see him very clearly which is always a sign of something I am not well integrated with.

Anyway, I opened my (er, imaginal) mouth to say something, I don't know what exactly, and what came out of me was, "I respect you." I surprised myself. But it was apparently a good enough beginning.

When I went to create a thoughtform energy-something to give the archetype, though, I felt oddly like I didn't really have enough energy to do that. It was like a billion degrees (I know... mom told me a million times not to exaggerate...) and I was sitting in a car briefly while Lu ran in to shop and Ry ran to see the sidewalk sale, and I just didn't really feel like I had a lot to give. So I visualized 'opening' all my chakras 'more' and then bringing energy through me like you do in healing, through the crown, feet and perineum (Kundalini) area.

Whatever I decide to do is spontaneous and always part of the meditation and the nature of it all, of course. I did something different than usual (it's always unique, but sometimes more than others), I decided to create a sort of "energy-shape-of-me" as if creating a thoughtform that was me-shaped and standing right in front of me. I decided that I would channel all this energy into the me-form and then when it was done, I would give him that as the link. I tried to "set" it so it would keep pouring energy "through" me into this.

To my astonishment, he began doing the same thing!

Now I'm sorry to be so dense. It's not like an archetype has never interacted with me autonomously before.

One time, I was meditating with Sun. He is a golden Adonis sort. He took my hand and led me off, away from the inner-guide area, out into the "world" there that I had never been anywhere in except where my guide's little white benches are under a big tree. We walked for quite some ways, and there was something up ahead which eventually we came to, and it was a double, elevated conveyor belt. About 3 feet wide, elevated around 4 feet off the ground, two next to each other. Like a manufacturing assembly line hahaha, with people standing on top, except I saw no people. There were small staircases every so often (quite some distance apart, but one near where we were), and we climbed one to step on it. Then we went (with the direction of the belt, which was right) on, and on, for quite some distance! Mostly fields and so on.

I was riding this thinking of two things. The first was, "Holy cats! Where the hell did all this come from?! Is this all me? Is this my mind generating an entire reality all on its own? Is this some intermediate-world that is like an interface between my brain, some energies, and this is the "translation point" where it all gets moved into symbols I recognize? Was it here all along??"

The second was, "How is it that he knows about this and I don't? How is that my Sun archetype is acting as autonomously as a person?!"

We eventually rolled into what seemed a town or city, but it was as if our rolling conveyor built for people, was the equivalent of a railroad or freeway in our world: the town was very clearly built "around" the thing. The buildings were a small dark brick like I've seen in pictures of Europe. They were simple and kind of long, like something several stories high, in a rectangular shape that went back about the size of a city block in my world. These were on both sides, and the conveyor-belt went through the middle. As we reached the buildings area, the ground around the belt became cobblestone, paved.

As we got into the city, I could look both ways and see all the way down the "roads" on either side -- all cobblestone, all made for foot traffic and nothing else it appeared -- until their end, maybe two or three buildings blocks away. There were extra stairs here, every "road" there had a stair to step up or down next to the belt. Sun indicated we should get off at one point finally, so we went down a staircase and walked down this street. The stores on either side seemed a little different, maybe a little old fashioned in some way I couldn't put my finger on. Nearly everything was made out of brick on the outside and a dark wood on the inside as far as I could see, but there were hardly any windows for some reason, and I didn't see anything electric -- I have no clue how the belt worked.

He walks me down this street and we go about halfway down the first block. We turn into this building at the right, and it seems to be a hotel. It's a big entry room, we are against the right side wall and at the far left side there is a counter (like hotels have) and a man behind it. The counter is made of a dark wood and the walls are either wood or paneled. Sun and the man nod silently at each other and Sun leads me straight back (going forward from the door), all the way to the back of the room and there is an elevator.

We get in it, and we go up, and we go all the way to the top. When we get out, on the left is the wall (the edge of that particular unit in the building), and the hallway extends apparently all the way to the far edge of the building, way down to the right. We walk all the way down to the very end of the hall, and there are doors on the left and right, and there is a door at the very end facing us. We go into that room.

The room was totally round, and it seemed empty. The ceiling was about twice the normal ceiling height, and it was rounded like a dome, and it was entirely glass windows. The light was incredible in there! Sun put his hands on my shoulders and sort of positioned me and then just... just... radiated me. In the best way. I physically gasped from it, and remembered that I was just sitting around with my eyes closed and all of this seemingly real experience was just an archetype meditation. I opened my eyes. Still normal. I closed my eyes. There we were.

I had this rather offbeat idea, not sure where I got it. I said, "Please... radiate away my fears." And as the light beamed into me, I could physically feel all these sharp little pains!, of various size and intensity and depth-placement, nearly all of which ranged from my solar plexus to the top of my heart for body-location. By the time that was over my eyes were wide and I was pretty much speechless. Finally, he took my hand, holding it, and we went back the entire way we came. Out the door, down the hall, into the elevator, down to the ground floor, into the hotel, out the door, onto the sideway, down the road, up the stairs, onto the conveyor, the other side this time, and all the way back to the hill where we'd climbed on, and then back through the field until I came to the tree with the small white benches where IG (inner guide) sat waiting.

So it's not like no archetype has ever been autonomous!

Two notes.

1: I later read of someone else working with a Sun archetype and asking them to radiate away their fears. Maybe this process is itself archetypal, and so spontaneous??

2. When Sun took me, we went right on the belt, right down the street, right into the building, turned face in the elevator, and right down the hallway. Dunno if it matters. But in the "cave" I actually go "through" for my archmeds?---if I continue in the cave, which I have a few times, it splits left and right, and there are doors and rooms in there, and each one has something different! No kidding.

One time I went right for example, and came to a stone stairway hewn out of the rock. I went down the stairs, and at the bottom was a little door on the left, in a little hallway. I opened the door, and this catholic monk with tonsure looks at me. He comes to me and talks to me, but this was at a time when I could not "hear" my guides at all so alas, it was like watching him with the mute button on. He realized this, and he took off some kind of big necklace that he had on and put it over my head, made the sign of the cross on my forehead, bowed, and went back in his room. I wandered back out of the cave, completely mystified at why of all things, some catholic dude would be living in a room downstairs off the right branch of my cave.)

But they don't often do something that, you might say, "contributes to the merge" process.

Well, wait, there was another that actually did...

I was at The Monroe Institute, Jan 2001. I was some ways into the second week (two programs taken together, not generally allowed, for good reason I learned) and we were supposed to be doing some meditation, in the Guidelines program, I can't remember what. I had this really overwhelming sense of needing to do an archetype meditation on Responsibility. This stemmed from an experience in one of the earlier tech-induced "visualization communication experiences" or whatever you want to call it.

So I went to my CHEC unit, which is basically a queen sized bed that is built into a sort of cabinet, with a black curtain that firmly seals on the one open part, so you are sitting in utter darkness. There are headphones and a light and such built into the wall by the bed. I was alone in the room downstairs, right next to the main big-room where we would decompress together, as my roommate, a friend I'd taken with me to the first program, had left. I put on my headphones and got into the darkness and the altered state and fell into an archmed on Responsibility.

When I met IG (inner guide), the first thing I understood when I asked him why I felt like doing this particular meditation, was that I profoundly misunderstood the nature of "Responsibility." To me, it has usually meant what it means (or is felt to mean) on the surface of our culture, our language. It's an ugly word that means some "burden" and "obligation" and "guilt-should-ought" sort of thing. But talking to IG, I realized as a sort of 'insight', that the word is Holy. That responsibility at core is the root of Divine Will. When we take responsibility for a family to shelter them, when we take responsibility for a work project to drive it to success, when we take responsibility for our own destiny, anything, it is a mundane "reflection" of a much higher dynamic that has octaves and harmonics all through our universe.

So I met the arch and I was so astonished that I just stood there for awhile, unsure what the heck to do with him. I've had everything, nearly. These meditations are infinitely creative. I've had a big black-knight chess pieces put a rotary saw blade in the inside of my arm as his exchange. I've had a guy with a big fish head and a harpoon through him. I've had a giant multi-faceted green dripping monster (heh. That was Saturn... when I was 30. I remember when the X-files came out I said about their logo, "Hey, it's Saturn-Green! How apropo."). I've had stuff so weird I can hardly translate it to words.

But this arch, it wasn't just about what he looked like. It was about how I felt about him. Which was, for lack of a better word, wildly drawn to him physically, in a sexy kind of way. Although I'd done some tantric stuff with archetypes before, that was always a deliberate plan and part of a ritual of sorts (don't get too excited about my morals, I was alone...!), I had never FELT that way toward an arch instantly, like I craved them merging into me like I was a sponge.

He was human... mostly. He reminded me of the kind of character that some cheap paperback scifi novel might have. Like a human who is genetically engineered to survive in the incredibly hostile environment of a foreign planet teeming with a combination of monsters and even flora and fauna that would get ya. He had sort of golden hair, not blonde but more like "bright tan". He had totally golden eyes, like a lion. (I once met a 'Lion' archetype a couple times, sitting in for Jesus in an experience. I even noted in them --Lucid dreams, both--"Hey, that reminds me of Aslan!") He was not any unusual size but I had a really strong impression of incredible "strength."

His teeth... were normal and very white except for the canines, which were... ah... sharp. I know, this is a little worrisome as a symbol I suppose, but to me it wasn't anything bad like a vampire but rather, a sign of the "wild" in him. And his skin... now that was the weird part. His skin was like a dark golden tan on his face and so forth but on the main of his arms, chest and legs (he wore something akin to shorts I guess) he had quills! Like a porcupine!--well, except they were a little diff. They were thinner, and softer, although my sense was that when they were made to stand up they were extremely sharp. And they were "lying flat" on his skin, his arms and legs and chest (I just didn't wonder about the rest I admit). I was completely overwhelmed by this 'understanding' that he was literally:

The very embodiment of the Ultimate Warrior.

I gotta give it to IG, this was definitely a whole new perspective on "Responsibility." Archmeds almost specialize in radically changing how you perceive things but that was pretty memorable.

I stood there looking at him, almost panting in desire. I just stared at him. And the meditation ended up being the sexiest seduction scene! And in being so, it seemed to cross some bizarre boundary out of the 'archetypal world' and into -- well, alllllmmmoooosssstttt -- into this world. It was surely as physical as an incubus/succus experience, I think.

He walks up to me, and he moves until he is perhaps 3 molecules from touching my lips with his, and he sort of breathe-growls at me,

You have to want me. You know you want me. Take my power unto you.

If it's possible to just faint away from sheer overwhelming lust I'd have done it about then.

I became aware of myself physically then -- that I was quite literally panting, and I became highly aware of the fact that I was sitting up against the wall on the side of my CHEC unit, in the pitch black. I felt more aware of every inch of my body than I ever had been.

He sort of warm-breathed down the side of my neck to my collarbone and I felt my head, dropping back a little, bump the wall, yet I could still feel him on my skin it seemed like, and he kissed my skin, and then I felt just the hint of his teeth and then---and then he was just... he was just there. There with me. He wasn't totally in the flesh of course... and yet... he wasn't just in the archworld either. HE was "aware" of my whole environment and position, and as we shifted, he was on the bed with me instead of standing in that world, and my legs spread out more as he sort of straddled one of my thighs and slid one hand under my arm and kissed my neck then, just enough of the warm breathe and the edge of sharp teeth to make my entire body hot-shiver.

A part of my mind was observing that this was the most remarkably body-real archmed I'd ever had. EVER. Another part of me was wondering, with a total lack of inhibition, if it would be physically possible to have sex with him right then and there, the sooner the better. Of course the watcher part of me was intellectually wondering if somehow, the combined energy of the people in my course, the overall grounds and psychic-experience level at TMI, and who knows what else, might be contributing to the "amplitude" of the experience.

Meanwhile, he was slowly kissing with teeth my body from one shoulder to the other and now and then leaning up against my cheek and saying in my ear, Ask for me. I am part of you. Tell me you want me. and by that time, as if I were another person, I was panting, yes... yes! A very distant part of my mind, watching the goings on with interest, was thinking with some humor about what this was going to sound like should anybody actually walk past the open door of my room.

He leans against my lips again, his whole body hard and strong against mine, literally pressing me back into the wall along every inch, and he says something like, The acceptance must come from deep inside you; submit to your destiny! (Heh. Well it made sense at the time and I admit I was not really thinking critically at that moment anyway.) I cried Yes! and in response he grabbed both my wrists and pushed them against the wall high above my head, one on either side of me, and I realized that "in real life"---I was sitting there in the CHEC unit with my hands pressed up against the wall on either side of me.

It was if somehow there were three realities going on at the same time: my normal one, the archetypal one, and some meeting in the middle that was a whole third world that "overlapped" with both the others but we were only fully in the center; not "wholly" in one nor the other.

I finally said, Yes. I accept! but just at that moment --

-- this tape at TMI is ending, and Bob Monroe's voice comes on talking about whatever it was we were supposed to do to wind down! LOL! What timing.

I instantly ripped off my headphones with one hand and threw them away from me and went back to what I was doing -- my hand went right back up to the wall.

I put my forehead against his and understood we were finally at the point where this could happen and he pushed against me, as if in sex, but thickly and slowly merged into my body. I couldn't even breathe while it was happening, it was so intense. And when he was finally fully in me, it was like he inverted in some way, so that then he was facing the way I was, and literally it felt as if I were wearing him like I was his skin. All the overtones of sex and fulfillment and so on were present... wowwwwwww.

My arms slid down the wall slowly, and my panting slowed down, and by now my eyes were open and it was light because throwing my headphones had pushed open the curtain and it was a bit light in the room as it was only dusk. I felt this huge need to just lie there and "experience" us together, quietly, alone, for at least a few hours.

Just then, someone pops their head in to tell me that Joe McMoneagle is speaking in the other building and I had to come out and go over there for that. I was staying with Joe and Scooter between and after the TMI courses I was taking, so perhaps this had less effect on me than it would on some people, since I think I muttered something very antisocial at that point. The person said it was not optional. So very grouchily, wanting more than anything to be alone for awhile, I get up and I go over to the place where Joe is going to be talking.

I never was so overwhelmed by the need to be someplace else in my life. I was in utter misery every minute of it. I was so trying to be patient and interested because normally, I totally would be, but I was so wrapped up in the recent experience that all I could think about was how much I didn't want to be in the bright light surrounded by people with someone talking.

And I could feel Responsibility inside me. I could feel this odd "strength" in my hands that I recognized as his. I felt as if, were a psychic to look at me closely or at the right moment just then, they might actually SEE the archetype through me, as if we were two films showing on the same screen or something. I could feel his strength through my body in what I would now call "ghost body" feelings, in RV it's a bit similar, like if you are feeling something that (we assume) someone in the target felt, it's like it's your body yet it's not like some "overlay/over-through".

And I felt this really powerful sense that this had only begun some process, and that what I called "Responsibility" was about "Destiny".

Perhaps this is the kind of meditation only a lonely, middle aged Virgo x4 would have. I suppose the only thing sexier would have been if we were in a library....

.... I am just kidding. Virgo jokes. Not everyone gets 'em.

What was I talking about before I made myself all randy writing this?! Oh yeah. The archetype meditation! So my point was (... a bit long in the making ...) that I guess I have, actually, had archetypes who "actively and autonomously participated in facilitating the merge process."

Actually, hell, after that story, the current one seems so boring as to not be worth bothering with, hahaha!

So back to the vaguely big-headed froggish man with "three rows" of brows at each side and vaguely greenish rubbery skin. I set my process to go on without my direct attention, and that was good as Lu and Ry came back to the car just then and we drove off. I stopped to get gas, and while Lu was filling the car and Ry was getting a soda, I finished the archmed.

When I tuned back in, I saw that the "density and intensity" of mine had grown to really cool degrees, as had his. I looked at them both more closely and I felt that not only had they sort of filled with energy (looking like a light-body, each of them) but that they had then improved the "quality and creativity" of the energy; inside was all kinds of sense of color and curly and so on, like a Mandelbrot fractal in 4D or something.

We each merged into the light-body of the other. It was a really good rush, so I know whatever we did worked. Then we merged into each other. I realized that I'd just done the Four symbology---two male/female merge, then those merge, ending with one. I felt pretty good about it.

I thanked IG for helping. Either I am getting closer to him and can see him better, or he is getting a bit more unusual. He has some kind of small gills at the side of his face. He has spots down the side of his head and neck like a Star Trek "Trill" symbiote-host. (Actually the "symbiote" symbology, for an identity that "lives inside me" really could not be more apropriate!) His eyes are a bit odd, his skin texture is a bit unusual, and I swear he has some very odd fishy-eely-human overlay that I can't quite grasp. I went to him and hugged him and said, "I love that you are so weird. All my other IG's were so normal!"

Then I wrapped it up, and that was that.

But my utter SURPRISE at when this arch actively volunteered and began building his own light-body to pour energy into, for me, makes me think that all my talk here about how I respect the consciousness of everything, and I know everything operates as an identity, yada yada yada... must be on some level, just armchair theory.

Because if I really believed and respected the autonomy of my targets and my archetypes (I am still working out the difference....), I shouldn't be surprised at all.

It seems to me.

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