Monday, August 20, 2007

Royal Flush

I'm a queen. Of Denial, that is. Re-reading blogs I haven't touched in what seems months, I came across all kinds of major experiences and insights that moved me and seemed to change me.

But apparently they didn't, because I had completely forgotten about them.

How is it that one day, I can love Ganymede (see Ganymede on Firedocs blog) so much that I feel sure I will be changed by that experience, yet a short time later it is as if the entire experience never happened?

It's like I consistently ignore or forget all the most important psychic, spiritual and metaphysical experiences that I have.

Meanwhile, sometimes people tell me that they wish, hope for, crave those kinds of experiences, they work diligently at RV over the long term. After brief periods of viewing again I get amazing experiences and then promptly walk away from it for awhile more. To onlookers I must seem the height of spiritual sloth and lack of discipline and consistency.

It reminds me of playing guitar in high school. My friends and I would want to do a new song, or be working on our own stuff. A few weeks later, having practiced diligently daily, they had improved. I had barely practiced at all, yet had improved a lot more. It used to genuinely make them mad at me. It just wasn't fair.

I kind of feel like that dynamic is a little bit in play in terms of metaphysics as well. I constantly get to the point of truly moving and worthwhile experience and instantly throw it away, abandon the practice, and forget the whole thing.

I suck.


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