Treading Water

I used to be ambitious. I wish I knew what the hell happened to that.

Day after tomorrow I leave for home. For some reason that really depresses me. I mean you would think that getting home, my own bed, my own car, would be great. I miss my kid, I miss my cats. I joke that I'm on vacation but I have worked full time plus done a lot of tkr and other related stuff so in reality I have not had a lot of time here.

I just realized a few things today. Like:

* what is wrong with me? both IG and Nero have given me specific exercises to do dating back to January (for IG). It's been like a year and I still haven't done them. With ambition like this, it's a wonder I'm not still a slug.

Wait.

Never mind.

* what is wrong with me? I keep making these halfhearted "someday I will make a real commitment" sort of wishes related to RV. When am I going to tell enough of the world to stuff it that I can view every day? I said once that any avoidance of RV for more than 48 hours that does not involve an NDE is denial.

(How can it be denial if I admit it? My brain hurts.)

* what is wrong with me? I've spent two weeks near the largest natural mineral hot springs in the country and haven't managed to go there once. I can't believe it. In reality I spent a small fortune, four DAYS in transit RT, all so I could do very little less than I do at home, except I didn't have the taxi-mom duties. Sigh.

It's like all the ambition I once had, all the intensity, and commitment, has faded into some wish-I-could-nap, chronically sleep deprived, kinder-gentler lack of concern. It's gross!

Well, so... what's wrong with me. I have work overdue and I'm blogging. I am supertired and I'm not sleeping. I need to meditate and pray and instead I'm typing. I was thinking the other day that I don't really need to worry about remote influence, not that I ever did of course, but it seems to me I'm far more dangerous to myself than anybody else is.

I left my ambition on a distant shore, I guess. Now, I just feel like... I'm treading water.
.

Dream Images

Today I was looking at a friend's photo collection and stopped in amazement. There was this photo that in one part of it, looked exactly like I recall from a dream I had years ago. It was a place with columns, and a squared pool, and shallow steps leading in, and in the moonlight. I'd forgotten the dream for years. In the dream, the pool was both a pool and a place of baptism. But a man of evil was living among us and he had a tendency to take people out there late at night and drown them. We would find their bodies in the morning and nobody knew the killer, but I suspected. Unfortunately, one night, he managed to kill me. But I had the last laugh. I came back, a ghost, I refused to leave, until I got through to the others that the evil was him, and they did away with him.

We watched The Mummy II later. In one scene in this place I can't remember the name of, there were all these huge round columns. It totally reminded me of this amazing dream I once had where I was in the middle of something that looked and felt just like that but the columns were like cohesive water (like the special effects in that movie 'the abyss') and when I would put my hand on one, gold light would spark where I touched it and shoot up from my fingers inside it and 'rebound' all over as it went up and then went across this really high ceiling, as if the entire enormous structure were made of that material.

Then there was this other scene that was so much like another dream I had, this one back in '94, that I was stunned. In the dream I was standing in formation with a group of people in the sands of egypt, and this big 50 foot tall gold egyptian statue-man who was like our leader in some way rose up from the sand in front of us, pointed his finger at the far side of our group, and this huge blackness like a liquid shadow spread over the sand and crept upon us, coating us, we leaned away but could not move for some reason. Somehow it made a permanent change in the person and was visible and yet... it was not visible, too. Later in the dream the group and I were discussing what we should do now that we had this effect. The effects were things like, it made us need to live during the night instead of day, and it made us want to eat fruit, and I had this strong correlation in the dream of bats that sleep upside down, eat fruit, and come out at night. We talked about maybe trying to sleep in trees quietly but I said no, it'll never work, people will see us and freak out and shoot us.

When I woke up I was disturbed by the 'darkness' symbol in the really vivid dream, and the dreams I had with the big gold egyptian guys (and the sphinx, which was quite diff in the dreams--way bigger on top, diff looking, had a mate somewhere far away, and was sentient, a long-term "watcher" designed for that role by unusually tall thin people) were always unusually... "powerful" as dreams go, with an odd degree of 'tangibility' to them.

Anyway. I just thought it odd that today I would see three highly unique things each of which totally sparked memory of a different dream all from many years ago.
.

Humanity and Self-Definition

Tonight I watched this really depressing movie called 'The Constant Gardener'. A tale of third world country and endless big corporation evil white man injustice. In other words -- it's just another day. 'White men are the antichrist' as some murderer once said before his death sentence was carried out. Sigh. As if all men aren't equal in capacity for harm to others (and self).

There are so many subjects I have studied, from a little to a lot, in my life. The three most demoralizing subjects I ever looked into were the AMA (American Medical Association), the issue of child immunizations in the USA, and Mad Cow syndrome. These being topics I wish I could surgically extract from my mind for my peace of mind. As Joachim Phoenix said in 8mm, "there are some things you can't un-see." I can't change it; it's too horrible, more than most can imagine; so I don't want to know.

We were talking after the movie about issues of the world, and the effect it has on a person when you start believing that 'everyone' is corrupt and that every government is evil incarnate and the world is just a bad place. In most, including me, initially it generates rage, a desire to fight it, to "do something." In me, after that point, I realize what cannot be done, and work to let go of it, since negativity within me does me far more damage than most anything outside of me. In many people, though, they can't let go. It just "eats away" at them from the inside.

I can only conclude that it is my duty to be of warm heart and good intent and to HAVE FAITH, solely because that is what the world most needs and most lacks.

It is easy to be hard. It's easy to be cynical, to be cold. That's the copout, the easy way, the 'default setting' of anybody living in the real world... eventually.

*

When I was 18, I was more cynical, cold and deadly than the average assassin. I hadn't had any strong emotion in years. I was studying martial arts and firearms because I wanted to be sure that if anybody had the folly to beat up on me again, now that I was finally old enough to be free, that they would die for the error. I was borderline sociopathic, maybe a little more than borderline but as I had not 'acted out' any poor behavior (yet), I was still free.

As one of my survival skills, I had many 'layers' of intelligence that I no longer have, that I let go of when I let go of the self-protective stuff that created them. But at the time, I was smart enough to know my problems. I knew how bad off I was, and looked for the only tool that seemed strong enough (and free enough) to help me.

And I healed myself. It took years. It took more self hypnosis and conscious-dreaming meditations than I care to remember. I broke through and was able to have emotions again; I laughed maniacally and cried hysterically back and forth, separated by fits of sleeping deeply, for a week when it happened, and was bubbly inside and prone to tears over anything for a couple of years.

My life, which had been a black hole of memory, came back to me in fragments, assembled in a spider web that conveniently makes me 'feel like' I remember my life up to age 18 when most of it I probably don't.

You are what you make yourself. I have a depth of 'nice' I couldn't even conceptualize then; faith, and hope, and a warmth totally absent from me then. I'm a human because I decide what I will be. Not an amoeba; not stimulus-response only, although that often happens initially; but a conscious decision of what I want to be in this world.

*

Cynicism is the black tarnish that comes on the coin of experience. It cannot be avoided in the intake. One has to deliberately rub it off and refuse to let that cancer of the soul, that killer of hope, take up any residence inside.

I believe there is an ongoing energy best called 'spiritual warfare' that relates to this as well. It is amazing the world's in as good a shape as it is, considering some of the 'awareness' I've had of the darker elements of spirit -- and its evangelistic crusade to sway humanity toward a vibration that is more lucrative for other species.

Emily Saliers of The Indigo Girls has some lyrics in a song I like that relate to this:

i've seen kingdoms blow like ashes in the winds of change
but the power of truth is the fuel for the flame
so the darker the ages get
there's a stronger beacon yet
let it be me
(this is not a fighting song)
let it be me
(not a wrong for a wrong)
let it be me
if the world is night
shine my life like a light

Archangel Michael gave me 'faith', years ago, when I prayed for it regularly. It was a gift without measure. I don't have as much anymore, or I don't pay attention to it as often, that is my own doing. But when I really close my eyes, and center, and ask myself, what do I want to be inside? What is my self-definition? I feel it again.

I have a couple of posts on the dojoblue blog (which is not going to exist much longer I think) that fit here:

Constructing Faith, a blogpost about Archangel Michael, in part; and

Truth, about a dream (with nuns, no less!) and thoughts I was having following it.

In a world of cretins and creeps, thugs and thieves, there are still many beautiful people and things in our world. There are people who do not define themselves based on what is on the outside of their world, but based on what is inside them, instead. They don't let the hard reality of the dark side of humanity pollute their self-definition.

I will not be just a 'reactor'. I refuse to be a "moral casualty" of the side-effects of the nightly news. I will be warm, and love at every opportunity, and generous, and as virtuous as I can manage in the circumstance of my life.

There used to be a saying, 'You are what you eat.'

I think it should be, 'You are how you love.'
.

Blood and Ashes

If I were a tree, I'd be able to count my rings, and see clearly the phases where drought or flood or other crises affected me.

I'm starting to feel like that is just as real for humans, we just can't see it nearly as well. And one thing that would be sharply apparent to any botanical-psychic researcher would be the times I stepped away from viewing for a few weeks or more.

The rings would show the severe "pulling back" of a psyche, as if severe drought had set in for awhile. Then it would show the painful, frustrating process of "recovery" over time.

A viewing expert would say with insight, "Ah, yes. When you try to view and nothing comes. When you feel the tensing in your lower stomach as if of fear. When you somehow feel as if such a process ought to be impossible. When you have lost the ability to "dive" and lost the belief-system props, built and maintained every day like the muscle of the psychic body, that "hold the door open" for psi to happen."

It's agony. It's like tearing off a bandaid that is pulling out hair.

And it's all my fault. I got busy, I got distracted, it wasn't convenient, I didn't force it, and now I am starting ALL OVER AGAIN -- as always. As a million times.

And I will progress at unnatural speeds once I start, making more apparent my length of experience, but I will be nearly retarded at it initially, and I will have lost some of my data-type progression that I had improved at most recently. So I'll be mostly incompetent for a month, if I view daily, and then finally my belief system and the daily practice will click in and I'll start changing back to the viewer I used to know.

But it is So. Damned. Hard. When the 'restart' period comes.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I know very well how much my left brain belief systems lean against psi every single day and how important it is that I force that door to stay open with constant viewing.

And yet I keep letting it lapse. Usually just as it's getting way more interesting than it's ever been. And then I have to start all over again. And I'm looking at my lab book waiting for the slightest impression of anything to arrive.

It doesn't help to know I deserve it.
.

It's just another day

I haven't seen Nero in awhile. Then again, my sleep schedule's been so bad, my work so mind numbing, and my prayer and meditation so nonexistent, that should not surprise me.

I'm so ticked right now. I did the TKR Mission this week, something I don't often get to do, and the task turned out to be Travis Walton's location when he was abducted.

Now wouldn't you think, given some of my Bewilderness experiences are highly similar to his in some respects, that I would be GREAT at this? I mean, who else should be better at it? But Noooooooo.

First I sat down to do the session and was chronically interrupted by a song, to the degree I had to stop viewing altogether for the day. It is rare that I can't keep my mind quiet and this was ridiculous. The line was from a disney movie no less (how embarrassing) where it goes,

"It means no worries, for the rest of your days! It's our problem-free... philosophy... Hakuna Matata!"

I know. It's just too stupid to believe.

The next two times I tried, I was sure I was awake enough. I was awake plenty all through a brief relaxation. The minute I went to start writing, I passed out abruptly. So much for that.

This morning I was wired, and drank a cold soda, and left the blanket off sitting up on my bed with my computer as I was kinda cold and that helped too, to be SURE I could not fall asleep.

And I couldn't do it! I was totally in denial. I tried. I knew that the denial was me, but I chalked it up to the fact that it's been a little while since I viewed, I took a break, and I figured it was just typical internal resistance to viewing.

It didn't really occur to me that it would be internal resistance to the specific target, since I would not have guessed that I was actually resistant to anyything in that way.

I'm totally fascinated with Walton's account, mostly because I pointedly lived in a cave concerning UFO media -- avoided it like the plague, thought I was just 'more rational' than people who didn't, haha! -- and by the time I actually read an account about him online, I was dumbfounded by the elements my own spontaneous esoteric experiences had in common with some of what he described. Not all, but some.

And so here was my chance. My Big. Grand. Chance. To actually get an inside psychic look at that situation -- I've really done very few esoteric targets to be honest -- and I can't believe it... my session was lousy! (Sessions are in TKR at the dojo, visit http://www.dojopsi.com/tkr/ and click the box that says 'current missions' on the login screen, then when you submit it'll take you right to that area.)

I know I'm a whiner. But I wanted to do well on a target like this. I'm so aggravated!
.

Technical Targets

I'm finding, thanks to my tasker in part, that I seem to have more of a 'connect' with high-tech (particularly 'energy'-based) targets than some other kinds. I'm not sure why some viewers are better with some types of targets than others. I'm not a techie (I barely if that qualify even as a programmer; definitely not a high-tech sort). I can't think of any logical reason why this kind of info would come through for me, and yet so often, it has. And it's really fun, and it feels really cool.

I think I'm going to start collecting high tech targets for my tBot pool. I'll have enough tasks in there that the random assign is still doubleblind. It would be interesting to do a whole series, a couple of times, and see if I can explore that more.