Time to live, I hope.

I keep forgetting to blog. I need to stay on it. Later, rereading stuff, it does me good.

Had a brief moment after a session recently. Flew to my Inner Guide. I see him more clearly all the time. I try not to be vaguely weirded out by this. He is sort of like if you crossed a human, and maybe an eel or something. Mostly human but... different. His eyes and ears and the side of his face and his skin. I believe the I.G. is a reflection of a part of me, so it doesn't matter, but I find it interesting as none of my I.G.'s have ever been anything but totally human before. Strangely, I vaguely associate the "fishian" overlay with natal and core psychology stuff.

I took him with me to the Tower, as the Senior had asked me to visit more often. I feel very odd when I am there with all the others. I feel extremely shy, and always look for my mate of the four and hold him with my head against his chest like a shy kid. I've never been shy in my life, so it's a weird feeling, especially to have in a meditation. Maybe following on my weird comment to Cosmos my cat the other night, I looked at the Senior and heard myself blurt out, "I don't want to die yet." (!! This spontaneous thing is kinda worrisome you know?!) He said seriously, "It is always your choice."

Anyway, eventually (I've forgotten some details) I decided that what I want to do is Remote Viewing. And I suddenly felt the time was right and I stood up alone and straight and said, "I request, in honor, that all of you give me this: I want to use Remote Viewing as my way of acting out God's Divine Will. I want this, and I have PAID MY DUES. I deserve it: it is mine!" Oddly it seemed as if they all half-expected this and felt it was about time.

I had the sense that my recent misery at hours and hours of my limited off-time spent doing manual archives of RV discussion lists from years ago... had simply finally put my Virgo self-imposed suffering to some level where finally I felt like I "deserved" skill and success with it. We of Four merged, though not the others. Still not a real intense merge which tells me I'm not fully integrated with it yet.

I had time for a quickie session just a bit ago. Have been determined to do at least a little viewing in the practice galleries to support them, but this is the first time I've gotten around to it in eons. Of course, wouldn't you know, I got all the data any viewer should need, but many aspects of it were just like a movie (Superman Returns) that I saw just a few hours ago, so I dismissed them. Also had a couple 'mini-movie' daydreams (where spontaneously I'm just 'in an experience, where like a dream I feel I know everything sometimes, and then I snap back here. But usually, when I get back to attention here, it was all so fast I can't remember much of it).

It was not good but it wasn't horrifying (esp for a quickie) so I let the session be public. That oughtta cure any inclination anybody in there might ever have to make me a guru.

The "I" of the Storm

Last night I got to BE a tornado for a little while.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Did I mention wow?

Just prior to that, I had a whole realization related to remote viewing and the consciousness inherent in the targets themselves. (See the Firedocs RV blog, today's date, for details.)

This enormous amount of powerful and chaotic energy... this enormous effort to "maintain cohesion" of all the energy which was "myself"... this effort being centered around keeping a "stillness at the absolute center"...

Why is it people think talking to a tree is metaphysically acceptable, but nobody considers that a tornado---shorter-lived but surely more intense during that time---might be a "consciousness" just like anything else?

Awhile ago---a year? two? I have no track of time thanks to over a decade nearly living on the internet---I was half-asleep in bed one morning when the most amazing sound occurred from outside. In a dream of sorts, part of my mind "said" to another part of my mind, "A gigantic monster made of wind is coming toward you, really FAST!" I dreamily mused on that for a moment or two, at which point the half-awake part of my brain had waded through it, figured out the meaning, translated it, and yelled at me, Tornado!! waking me up fully and instantly. A few seconds later I heard it turn and go another direction. Later, people said one had come "so close" to us... but I already knew. The part that remained with me was the sense that "the monster made of wind" was alive in some fashion. I had never thought of it like that before. After last night, I actually believe this.

On the bright side, I would say that is proof positive that my cursed phase of RV has passed.

I live to serve. I want to know the universe. RV is an honor, a doorway to being introduced to infinite measures and combinations of energy and experience. Today, I am wondering how I could ever have thought of it in any other way.

Amphibians and Dreams

Well officially, my long spell of pitiful RV has ended. But really, it didn't end, it just reduced enough that I could at least see target contact in the session. Which isn't to say the session didn't suck; that would be too much to ask apparently. Although I get a few visuals I track clearly to the session, I still seem to be getting a tad more than I ask for when I focus on "the target." In the last session, in the middle of minding my own business, I recorded:

a strange frog with unusually black bottomless eyes just showed up and caused all my lymphatics to pulse, to say I am dehydrated. I said ok and he went away. for goshsakes.

While I'm pleased that my body is talking to me---and did I mention it was similar to the amazing froglike creature I met during my meditations in January?---still, during session I'd really rather get session data. Isn't that the norm?

What are these funky metaphysical things bugging me for? I mean, if I could have a good session and before or after, do something metaphysical, sure why not. It leaves me bemused and exasperated when it's all over. Like, "Well the session sucked but I did meet a weird froglike critter speaking on behalf of my lymphatic system so it wasn't a total loss." Ha!Ha! There just aren't words for how bizarre that is.

Well, since I'm being new Age: I got a whole bunch of the best essential oils---Young Living---and to get the discount I wanted I had to sign up a distributor, though outside the initial package it doesn't really cost me anything I wouldn't spend anyway. These things aren't just pretty smells, they are the best quality stuff around, genuine technology of nature in a bottle. The lavender is actual medicine it works so well, the result on wounds is such an improvement over the part left alone nobody would believe me trying to explain it. The lemon cheers me up just sniffing it, and I've been putting a variety of oils on my chest and wrists and sometimes palms and soles of my feet. Though they are strong, I think it relaxes my body being exposed to the smell over the long run of a day, it feels that way anyway, it creates a sort of blissful languid effect.

I feel strange lately. I was half asleep last night when I half-opened my eyes and looked into the eyes of my cat, and I said---I have NO idea why---"I don't want to die yet." Go figure.

I had a dream I was in this intensely green orchard-like setting with these extremely orange things distributed through that might have been people and then there were these deep rich yellow pants---just pants, filled out, but no person in them!---walking around. I crack myself up 'cause I just have no idea what the heck any of this means.

Guess it's time to start praying more proactively.

Reality Weaves

It is sometimes really hard to be a decent human being.

I was shown something this morning that I am calling "ajdustment of reality weaves." This went on while I was sleeping, but I woke up fully and all at once (in a way rather unlike my normal waking), and after about 2 seconds of having no idea who or where I was, it all hit me like a giant interconnected ball, or ROTE as I think Bob Monroe called them.

Not just what had been going on while I was officially asleep but who I was, where I was, as if literally "all" information arrived in my mind at the same time, or perhaps my mind was simply not available to me at all for the first couple seconds.

The effect of getting hit with everything all at once was rather extreme, in both emotion and intellect, and I sat up in bed against the wall for an hour just going through it and unrolling it inside myself.

I think my reading Wheel of Time is what has given me the 'weave' mental model for energy, but without it I don't think I could articulate this. I wish I'd been exposed to that back when I was doing energy work, as I never had words for things then, and even a concept model for the "shapes and strings and geometries" that I worked with and would try to explain to others, would have helped. (Now that I think about it, weaving is a great way to put it.)

o0o

I was shown a situation in my life, a relationship I have with another person I'll call Z. It is very complicated by nature of being very simple: I think I may love Z more than I've loved another human outside my child and father and maybe one or two best friends in 40 years. Which is what makes it complicated: I'm not in a space in my life where this is something I can pursue outside an internet/phone friendship, and won't be for a few years, besides which I'm entirely wrong for Z, as we both know. That hasn't kept us from quickly establishing the most kickass psychic bond I've ever experienced, and feelings deep enough to rock my world.

But there is one thing about my life that I hadn't told Z. It's no big deal but in the way of involving someone on such a deep level, it is. I did mention it in passing generically several times, but this is one of those didn't-want-to-know things; Z just assumed the best. We moved from internet pals to psychic soulmates so fast I didn't know how to say it, when to say it, or if maybe it'd never be an issue anyway so maybe it didn't matter.

I felt iffy about it inside but rationalized that our relationship was so good for both of us that destroying it by finally telling Z the 'whole' truth would just hurt us both. I figured, maybe opening up with me would open Z to other relationships a bit more, and so likely we'd never meet anyway. Alternatively, who knows, things can change a lot in a few years, which is the timeline I had set on any possible future for us. I never lied, and I tried to hint, but I definitely "omitted" in fear of Z feeling betrayed, misled and led on, horribly disappointed, and in general just angry at me for blowing the trust factor of something exceptional.

o0o

It was like a vast, complex art form. There was cohesive-energy-objects in geometric shapes all over, energy in strings, and energy flowing, sticking, releasing, merging, dissolving, regrouping all through, all over the place.

Imagine all the stars in a crowded galaxy had varying shapes, and functioned together like the contents of a lava-lamp, and all the orbits left energy-tracks of every passing, and you mixed it up with a lot of cosmic size spaghetti that looked rather like a starwars lightsabers but was flowing instead of firm.

Imagine that everywhere you turn, if you allowed yourself to 'feel' instead of just see, then instead of "chaotic stuff all over the place" you would actually feel that this was a certain pattern, and that was a pattern, and that over there was a pattern ... and you could see how this pattern intersected with that pattern, and had previously changed the direction of spin of that other pattern, and looked to be heading for some brush into yet another pattern... well I doubt I have articulated this well but it is the best I can do. Jungian stew indeed.

Now imagine that in addition to all of this visual and concept, you have actual kinesthetic "feel" of the "balance" both detail and grand. As if the entire galaxy is actually inside you. And as if every part of it, and even the relationships between the parts of it, is also inside you. You can feel a push here, a pull there, a stretching here, a compression there, a flowing here, a stopping there. All the merging and winding and intersection, you can literally feel it.

Lace your fingers together and push your palms out and hold it for a moment; you can be aware of the feeling of every finger, but also if you pay attention in another way, of the "spacial distance and relationship" of any finger to any other finger and even of the space between them. We ignore such trivia, and when we pay attention we do it one point at a time. This ability can be multiplied by impossible complication and then perceived simultaneously all at once.

Now imagine that your total-awareness of 'everything' in this tapestry of reality includes, along with your awareness of motion, relationship, dynamics, patterns, shapes, etc. an awareness of what is right. When I say right I don't mean what some human culture considers good. What I mean, is that there is a sense of righteousness that for me at least, literally feels like a balanced geometry.

You know the feeling when you literally lose your balance and you are right at that instant where you are neither falling nor balanced but on the cusp of awareness in-between: that is the feeling of the wrong-ness. I do not mean, by wrong, what some human culture considers bad. What I mean, is that there is a sense of incorrectness that for me at least, feels like an imbalance, and sometimes an imperfect or incomplete geometric-pattern.

But it comes with a gut-sense, too, one that I feel here in this world-perception just fine at times, of something that is just wrong vs. right. It may be that "on some level" this is all some complex energetic geometry, but on my human level, most things boil down to feeling wrong or right.

o0o

A group of identities which have joined my Four as I call us, or Elementals of Soul---this new group I call The Consortium as a sort of joke but they used the word so I'd recognize their influence I think---took me through this in order to show me something they considered important.

We were in a galaxy I can only describe as "me." The varying shapes were people, events, sometimes really powerful objects or locations. The patterns woven with the long strings included those things too, when they were less fixed for me, but were mostly an immense series of dynamics, relationships, perspectives, as if even "how you think about things" can be "danced" like the Tango with another person or situation. Things orbited each other, some closely and some from a distance. Things interfered with each other at times, not necessarily in any negative way, just so that it was clear one pattern had affected another.

I perceived this with a kind of bizarre 'overlay' sense, as if that odd shape cartwheeling slowly, back to my left, into another thing, changing both their directions with its momentum and the impact, could be recognized as an event from my past which affected me and affected a relationship I had at the time.

Although it was 'over there' and 'back in time', it was as if the 'space' of this galaxy-of-me was as sensitive as a spider's web or the surface of a pond, and so every motion and collision and direction change and pattern alteration that happened anywhere, was simultaneously felt and 'recognized' and understood everywhere else, too.

And somehow, even though it had happened in the past or wouldn't happen until the future, if I paid attention to it, it was happening right then, in the present, whatever I paid attention to.

It is as if time and space, both dimensions, were somehow replaced by 'experience'. Or perhaps it might be more appropriate to say that experience, a level up, is normally overlaid with the interpretive models we call time and space.

This is so truly ineffable I can't believe I'm crazy enough to try and put it in words, but I am driven to make the effort.

I was "inside" this, not outside looking in, yet I could feel everything that was surrounding-me-outside, as if it were at the same moment on-my-inside. (Or, that my insides were 'composed of' this-stuff.)

There were several shapes, with their own orbits, and relationships, and there were patterns large and small, simple and complex, and of course the myriad motion of the energy-spaghetti interacting with it all, our lava-lamp in 11-D or something.

And it was all me. Somehow even the things that represented another person or an event or a "situation" were all "composed of me." At least, that is how I perceived it at the time.

o0o

We focused on this one part. I had a strong sense of a multitude of different times, orbits, relationships, 'coming together gradually' over the space-time-spectrum of experience, but there was this quite pointed "imbalance" that was pulling everything in my center of attention off track. It was as if a certain point where a couple of shapes and some patterns were intersecting in an impossibly complex dance, were all being thrown off by one area that had almost a 'distortion' effect. The energy-strings went in there, and came out, but in a changed direction that affected the sense of balance of the whole sector, and more important, affected the sense of "impending" for everything.

There was a sense of wrongness which initially I felt objective about---because within that environ it felt more like in one spot, a sense of pulling-back, deflecting-out, pushing-away is all---yet I could see that there was no possible way the orbits and patterns could stay on their 'righteous' path if this was not corrected.

Suddenly personalized, I realized that the "distortion point" was my lack of clarity with Z. I could see the pattern of Z and other shapes and energy-spaghetti and patterns all related, and I could FEEL how that one seemingly small point of "omission" in my very powerful relationship with Z was causing problems at the root of both patterns and everything else that interacted with them.

Literally, this "wrongness" could be felt throughout the entire universe of me. To me it might be 'one thing' but the number of energy-strings and pattern-shifts resulting from both my pattern and Z's pattern and many things in between, were exponential.

I think I grok what I used to call instant karma (a phrase I took from the Lennon song). At one point during my Bewilderness phase, I got to where I could "correlate" my actions and words and even thoughts with the seemingly autonomous and unconnected events and situations in my reality. This got "closer and closer" until eventually, I could say something with the slightest bit of not-entirely-true and I could see within seconds the 'shift' in my reality experience.

Well in this amazingly complex galaxy-of-me, I could see how even my "perspective" (let alone actions) could literally cause variations, from small to major (but all have some affect), in the shape of something, in the pattern-weave, in the direction of motion, in the speed of momentum, even in the brightness of things, their color, and the positions they held.

The one overwhelming observation was:

You cannot hold a true course if you are not free of distortions.

Now this may seem obvious to any idiot, but I don't normally think of that from quite this sort of perspective.

Anything that is not wholly honest or straightforward is a distortion. If we don't think it's a big deal it's mostly because we are spared the ability to see into the weave of reality; or even, the ability to sense the "correlate" of our "personal reality" with what is inside us. Exaggeration is a form of distortion too. So is sarcasm (I've felt that before).

o0o

The Coalition-of-Soul that is now a part of me will not allow it. I don't mean they asked me to be more forthright-honest or that they told me to be. I mean they made it clear to me conceptually, while I was in that galaxy-of-me, that they are like... like a whole bunch more points of a larger pattern, of which I am only one point.

Although I may technically seem to have free will, my 'awareness' of this 'larger-us' will cause me to suffer greatly if I deliberately push a wrongness. They made me understand that my-our 'course' or path would not be misdirected. And that this one LITTLE THING in my personal life was causing a distortion that would cause misdirection.

And so, essentially, that it was being moved back into place.

Meaning that the situation---the omission, Z's oblivion, my nervous guilt---was over, one way or another. The "serious misperception" that I allowed Z to entertain, and the "sense of wrongness and some fear of being found-out" that I myself was entertaining, would both be "adjusted." In fact, HAD BEEN already---that was part of what they showed me. Literally, "the patterns were adjusted."

And now, if I did not proactively make the adjustment in my external reality, I was going to get to watch how reality caused that adjustment, seemingly externally, instead.

I didn't want to watch that! I didn't want to blurt out my only secret from Z but I even less wanted someone else to blurt it out and possibly in a way that did us both more harm.

It was all about balance. About keeping the reality weaves in certain larger patterns-orbits without allowing distortion.

o0o

It is almost like a psychic-society, me and the Four, me and the Consortium, where the more awareness you accept and the more responsibility you take on, the more you HAVE to live that integrity.

It's not even optional. You live it, or the "course adjustments to bring balance" will kick your ass, plain and simple.

So, in the here and now, after "unrolling" this gigantic 'ball of experience' inside myself, I was aghast at how something I had done was so profoundly messing with not just my own course but Z's as well. I felt this overwhelming sense of responsibility.

I think I was in the "thrall" of the ROTE-unwrapping still, and emotionally impacted by it all, and perhaps over-felt the I-have-wronged-thee emotion. I was "hyper-aware" of how completely unacceptable it was for me to not to have been clearer on this.

But it was difficult to avoid the emotion, because when I thought about blurting out my only secret and having Z feel I'd betrayed trust or something, my god, I felt such grief I could hardly move.

I demanded from the Consortium, is this their first contribution to me? Ruining my deepest relationship? I was rather pissed off.

They didn't seem to feel that asking me to have "total integrity about everything" was anything they should even have to request to begin with.

Righteousness can be a real pain in the butt sometimes.

.

Feng Shui This

One time I was working on applying feng shui to my house when I realized---well at least it made sense to me at that moment---that feng shui was like astrology on a local scale. That having a fire element in your water zone is like a... transit. Like having your Mars moving through Pisces or whatever. (I know so little of astrology I can't even guarantee a good analogy.)

Recently I was thinking about how all things come in cycles, including relationships. And that not only do we have times where we are closer or farther away from someone, but when one occludes the other, eclipses the other, when both are in a favorable geometry vs. an opposition, etc. It occurred to me that maybe one reason astrology works well on relationships of all kinds (including our relationship with certain life-wide energies, going back to feng shui now), perhaps is because at some level, it's not actually about relationships. But rather, is about... orbits.

This may be fanciful but I think it will be useful tied into archetype meditations.

I haven't viewed in days. I'm a tree sloth! Pond scum! Burnt toast! I know. Between such exhaustion I fall asleep sitting up and when I do have time, not having "reasonably" uninterrupted peace (e.g., I can type in the midst of chaos, but don't bother to view in that, I'm lucky enough to view decently without chaos lol) it hasn't worked out, but then I must be in denial because we all know that any evasion of viewing that lasts more than 48 hours and does not involve an NDE is just denial, right?

I've been doing massive work to rearrange my house. Among other things, this weekend we are building this very cool bed (I didn't get headboard/sidetables just the platform w/drawers) as my room is so small, this helps get rid of dresser and shelves---last night we weren't finished when we took a break and I climbed into a temporary bed fully clothed and passed out pretty quickly.

I admit I have done some brief meditations but not too many. I got a much more substantial merge-effect out of the coalition as I jokingly call them---the coalition of my soul, vs. the four primary elementals I've known until now---I think we are closer now. For what it's worth... I don't know yet, what the point of it is, but really what's the point of anything, even the Four?

When the family opted (as often, sigh) for McDonald's for a late lunch, I decided to get water and try their Asian salad. (I'm not sure McD's should be allowed to use the word "asian." Never mind that it means something diff here than in half of europe or asia for that matter.) To my utter astonishment, it's actually good. I had mine with grilled breast of chicken (no breading) and sesame ginger dressing (Newman's own). Which is a tad sweet (I have a gripe about all dressings seeming like desserts nowdays) but pretty good. The last fastfood salad I had was revolting, so I was amazed I liked this. McDonald's back door is, I kid you not, about 200 yards from my front door. It's hard to keep the fam from wanting to forage there for every meal; it's just slightly farther away than the kitchen and a lot faster than cooking, I guess.)

The "someone else's method vs. your own method" debate keeps going on over at TKR. Now that I've publicly admitted here that two of my sessions were interrupted with something which is at best metaphysics, I feel like I've been publicly branded an idiot and no longer have the right to opine about the subject. I suppose that's the hazard of saying stuff out loud. Guess I better get back to viewing! Meanwhile I'm going to sign off here and meditate for a few minutes before my next obligation.

Guide Me

I just can't figure what is up with my viewing except that apparently I'm going through some internal ... change. Or something. I also can't remember the details now of the meditation/session mix (accidental alas) that led into things last night. Suffice to say that Nero seemed to get aggravated at my utter inability to pay attention to anything for more than about 1.4 seconds. EricT calls it OLAP viewing, the RV attention deficit disorder: Yes, blue... stone, and curved at the -- oh look, a pony!

So Nero (sounding nothing like the kinder, gentler soul I thought guides were supposed to be) tells me that until I can learn to hold focus decently he wants to see me visualizing red-light triangle outlines until they are utterly clear visually in my mind and remain that way without front-brain (as I call it) effort.

I had this ping in my head when he said this, but it wasn't until I was into trying it that I recalled this is what the Inner Guide said to me way back in January, though he had also added white circle-outlines after that. So I'm guessing that what I dropped off doing back then, I am doing now. It's so basic it's embarrassing. This is magick 101.

But I have to admit he's right that my focus, which used to be nearly profound, is now really fragmented. He did help at least enough to show me that a slow turning of the shape actually seems to help hold it for some reason. I need more work on getting it fixed and then turning my attention away on the 'surface' but holding it. Damn it, I used to be so great at this stuff. Maybe 20 years of sleep deprivation and workaholism is finally showing my fraying at the edges.

When I finally got to my session, I was trying to hold the visualizing focus so since I didn't know how I could do both (and he clearly wanted me to). So I imagined it getting so big it was like a doorway around me, and hence wasn't in my face, so I could concentrate on viewing.

After a bit (I thought to show me an example of how clear the visual of the triangle should be), he popped a shape in front of me, a rectangle-outline with the corners rounded, made of silver metal, flat but a few inches wide, and it turned, in utter clarity in my head. I had to admit I was impressed at how this seemingly 99%-autonomous identity in my head could produce something in my mind with 4x the clarity I could. I couldn't seem to get my red triangle-outlines anywhere near that well done.

Eventually feedback arrives and the shape he was showing me was literally the central shape/material of the middle of the target (which had diverse components). And I had thought what he was doing was unrelated to my session! Which seems a rather obvious problem one might have if they can't keep what they are doing---viewing, vs. meditating---separate.

But I go to view lately and you see what I get---weird stuff, alleged other-lives, and so-called Guides. Sheesh. Guides, of all things. I admit, I feel like a total moron even using that label, given the general intellect of many others I've heard using it over time. Who with half a brain would admit to stupid junk like this?

They Come & They Go

Men.

Well, I had promised. So I went back into the inner world to call on Nero. Why any guide would choose a name like that I have no idea. Maybe Ghengis and Napolean were already taken.

He has dark hair, very straight, short and shaggy. Medium to dark complexion, a heck of a strong nose, and dark, intense eyes. A smile that melts me, a grin that makes me giggle and an intensity that is a little bit frightening.

I tell myself that either my imagination is improving by leaps and bounds or something in the last six months has really broken free inside me (and I hope it isn't what's left of my mind), because I previously couldn't 'see' any guide at all, and I could never hear them. It's long been my biggest gripe, that I had 'awareness' of their presence but I could not see or hear them. Yet I could see him fairly clear all things considered, and hear him as well.

I still have a little bit of a resistance---I have to distract myself slightly in order to get what he is saying, or analytical ego will try to forcibly create my expectations instead. It is an actual Art or skill all its own, interacting with anything and anybody in the psyche-psychic realms; a combination of holding a focus yet releasing a control that walks a fine borderline of attention that I am not sure everybody would be able to do.

So according to Nero, I have shifted into a... new level of perception. But the way he put it made it sound like everybody else had stepped back and I accidentally 'volunteered' to accomplish something; it sounded more like a job than an opportunity. I think I would have liked it better if he'd been suggesting that I am happily evolving and he had arrived to serve me. Heh. Aren't I the center of the universe. But instead it sounded a lot more like I had finally done something I should have done ten years ago and he'd been called in for job training.

He suggests that I'll be getting into areas where more "proactive" psychic efforts are called for. He is there to help force me to 'see' what I need to see and would otherwise block; and to mentor me in whatever 'proactive' psi he is talking about (I am severely fuzzy on those details), and to protect me until I can protect myself, a topic which rather unnerved me. Last I heard, I was still going on about how since we create our own reality I just won't believe in anything bad and la-ti-da the world will go fine. (Would someone please inform the IRS? They appear to be violating my Pollyanna's Rules for Reality.)

I ended up committing to allowing him to override protective systems that would prevent my conscious awareness of things that he specifically chooses to have me aware of. Let's hope that doesn't come back to haunt me. Literally.

Prior to calling him in I was talking to Brin (an outer guide). Brin is the only guide I have seen with utter-stark-visual-clarity, him-the-person not him-the-spiritual-identity. He is an asian fellow of indeterminate age (I suck at guessing ages in people anyway). Anyway me and Brin were having this conversation, and I was pulling energy through me to him and to the inner world at large (it seems to 'grow' in accordance with the energy/attention I 'feed' it) and suddenly I had this really offbeat thought. I have no idea where it came from, as this has never occurred to me before.

I said, "I don't know what makes you my guide. I don't know if I caused it, you did, we both did, or if some interaction between us somewhen in the universe, a karmic link as some would think of it, has. But if you are bound to me by anything at all, I forgive you, I release you, I relieve you of the bond. You are free." This was just out of the blue the idea and urge came to me. Brin looked like there was nothing I could have said that would have flabbergasted him more. He couldn't even respond for a minute. And then he was really smiling, and walking away, but he kept turning around and looking back at me, like he just couldn't believe this had happened.

I called after him, "Well you don't have to go! You are always welcome!" and he said, "You will see me again... at some point." And then looking ridiculously happy about it all (I mean sheesh, was I that bad to be a guide for??), he turned and ran and disappeared. It was all rather disconcerting. Somehow in the space of 30 seconds, an idea I'd never had before hit and before I knew it, I had just lost my most solid guide. Not my daily-reality guide (that is Stet) but still, Brin's the only one I've ever seen as clearly as I see a person in front of me. And even though intellectually then I wondered if I should do that little exercise with other guides, like Stet who was standing right there, it just felt very not-right to do it with anybody else.

I didn't view yesterday. I was really exhausted and I meditated and then went to sleep, instead. Tonight is another day... so to speak.

The Tower

My last two sessions have been utter non-data disasters from a remote viewing perspective. While metaphysics is all very well and good, that really is not why I sit down to view. If metaphysics will not stay out of my viewing, then apparently I need to make more time for them outside my sessions, so they will. So last night I sat down, added Narnia on the MP3 and let myself slide into meditation.

I went to my inner space, and eyed the castle over-there. If I visit it, I only visit the roof. I went to the roof and watched something that might be dragons fly in the far distance of the mountains, in the direction of the river. The sun was setting (its placement seems to have nothing to do with my outer world) and it was beginning to be dusk. I knew that I needed to go find 'the tower' whatever that was, as instructed (see previous post).

Bryn and Stet were there, outer guides, as always beside me. So where is the tower? I ask them. They indicate a big round part of the castle that goes up not too much higher than the high roofpoint I am standing on. Unlike most 'towers' in a castle this was not on the outer edge but right in the middle of the building. OK I shrug, and to get this over with, since I feared I might slide into sleep, I turned and went down into the castle proper.

Where is the tower entrance? I asked the castle-at-large when I arrived. Glowing arrows appeared in the air and I followed them, jogging a bit, until they led me to a hallway. The stairs led upward in a wide squared rise, which was nowhere near as big as the tower-top I had seen. When I reached the top---the last arrow pointed out an expanded doorway---I could see why; this was only at the side.

In the middle of the room, on the floor, was some giant symbol. I avoided looking at it, worrying that my conscious mind would AOL it into some symbol I know rather than whatever it is---it is best to get such data spontaneously and autonomously so I know that whatever my mind is giving me, it is more valid to my subconscious. I went and stood right in the middle of the big round room, in the middle of the symbol, and looked around.

There were a bunch of people there, which was confusing. There is only me and the three after all. I looked for my mate, and there he was; I walked over and put my arm around him, and tried to kind of curl up and hide against his chest, like a shy child might with their mother. I felt intensely shy about all these other people, as if they were more than I was ready to deal with.

The other two of our four came toward me and I felt, as I always feel when I address either of them, their 'glory' of a sort; spiritual royalty, to say the least. I clung to the third tightly, though, and aside from the other two, I refused to look at all the others. The senior nodded and all the others who had been coming toward us, stopped and backed up, standing back politely it seemed.

They are 'of' you as well, the senior told me. I held harder to the third, not wanting to see. It was hard enough accepting that my soul could somehow have three others involved with it---let alone that I was a 'smaller perspective' than they were, and the fourth of four---that took years. And I still don't seem to have it all down, given some of my dreams and visions and meditations which suggest that I am, to put it gently, psychically obtuse.

There must have been about 12-16 other people there. I kept my eyes closed, clinging to my mate, the one who once told me he was Noshaimus, and he stood there stoicly, clearly 'feeling through me' that the thing to do here was to suck it up and pay attention but letting me do it on my own time. So I did. I forced myself to step away from him and to look at our senior squarely.

It is already so, you know, he said. It is only a matter of acceptance. He was quoting me back at me!---I wrote that about my 'Abyss' experience back in my Bewilderness days. I gathered up my courage and agreed, and turned to greet them.

And there he was. Nero, the mischeviously grinning dark haired man who had bargained with me earlier. So he is one of the aspects of me? I wondered. Apparently so, someone thought, might have been me, but I'm not sure. One by one, each of the people shook my hand, and then walked into me gently, a very mild energy 'merge' feeling.

Usually archetype merges are far more intense than that; it suggests that I am really not much integrated with them yet at all. Then the cycle came around again, and it required that I go and walk into each of them instead, but shortly in... I fell asleep. Denial, probably.

When I awoke this morning, I forced myself to finish the process. The people spread out from the four of us, and I had the definite sense of a geometric, fractal pattern, that the combination of us "composed" something. Long ago, I had merged with the three and had a similar sense. The four of us lit up with white spheres at our chakras -- including one under the feet -- and merged together and then out into a 3D shape that was that "Tree of Life" QBL thing.

This time, there were lights less like white energy ball-spheres, and more like small but intensely bright glimmering things, and each person had several of them. We all connected together, as if the several we each carried were all fitted into a net or matrix or sorts, a pattern, somewhat spread out. I gazed on it from the inside and suddenly realized: it's like being within the stars. Like a star-map in 3D, like floating in space.

Every man and every woman is a star, I remembered once reading, and then I remembered my experience with a universe as an idea incarnate. My relationship within the four is of one nature; the added people are more than an expansion, they are more like a... like a different nature of connectivity.

Tonight I am going back to talk with the three and see if I can better understand the point of it all, and what they would like of me.

Oh yeah. And I have a date with Nero.

Nero

I was doing a session, or rather I would have been had actual data been involved. (Sigh.) I was having a rather odd internal effect. I wrote: My mind feels curiously still. Not just like I'm not getting data, but like the whole "landscape of my mind" is literally "stilled," artificially motionless, and absolutely nothing comes in or out.

It reminded me of the sense I have sometimes had during storm season, when I suddenly realize that it is unnaturally still and quiet, and I look at the sky worriedly, on the lookout for the gray-green tinge that bespeaks tornados. I wondered about this, and just then I "realized" a synchronicity of sorts:

My experience in the session blogged prior was that the girl was trying to avoid psychically seeing me. Trying to block out what was right there in front of her--me, another aspect of her. That was really the whole point of it, was her denial. She "refused to see."

(I just remembered a dream I wrote about years ago where I grabbed some woman with long dark hair (aka... me) and was yelling in her face, in a near crying-rage of exasperation, "You must seeeeeeee! You MUST seeeeee!")

Since the time of the session of the woman avoiding perceiving me, now suddenly in this new session I realized I was having the experience of "apparently" blocking out, rejecting, whatever psi data I allegedly wanted. I mused about this for a moment. I often get data that is more about the session or about me than about the target. As long as I realize that of course, that's fine, and sometimes I ask for that. I wondered, could it be that the experience, which I clearly knew wasn't the target at the time, was instead information or example/allegory about me? Could it be that I was trying to avoid "seeing an aspect of myself" in my psychic data?

I know, this is psychoanalysis instead of viewing, but there you go -- much viewing eventually ends up becoming that if one is attempting to be 'aware' of themselves and grow.

I interact with data in sessions at times. Some of my most mind-blowing session experiences have been as a result of that. Recently I've had a reminder to myself that if I get something which is not data, that I will act on it; interact with it. So for example if I get a visual of a person doing something, I will interact with them if that is the seeming offer; if not, I will just rewind and imagine myself doing that thing, to sort of 'gain rapport' by mimicry. (E.g., I often 'see a door close' or something. So, I go open it back up.) It often works surprisingly well.

I recalled that I had been to the left, and standing so a bit above, the girl at the spinnet. If she was some allegory to me---and hello, she was me, in the experience, was that a clue I wondered?!---then I would 'act out' that scenario again and see if anything useful came of it.

So I visualized sitting here and syncing with my third eye and then looking to my upper left where I had been for the girl.
I nearly jumped back in my mind---a man was standing there right in front of me! I thought WOW, that's clearer than usual and right-there-ready.
He was maybe mid-20's to mid-30's, hard for me to place an age. I was kind of astonished to see him there.
I thought, is this some part of me I don't want to see for some reason? I wonder why? I just looked at him for a little while.

"Are you part of me?" I finally asked.

"Yes," he said, nodding.

"Why would I not want to see you?" I asked him, wondering, if he is some aspect of myself, I don't see anything that odd about him, why would I be rejecting that?

He grinned, reminding me of the 'Mat' character in WoT, as if he knew my thoughts and said with a laugh, "I don't know!"

I realized that I shouldn't allow myself to be distracted.

"I'm doing psychic work at the moment," I said seriously. "I want to know the target info. That's all I want to do right now. Can you help me do that?"

"Will you come see me if I do?" he haggled.

I stared at him, nonplussed as I hadn't expected anything like that.

"Um. Are you sure you're a part of me?" I asked again, warily.

"Yes," he said, looking like he might laugh--in a good way though--any moment.

"What's your name?" I said, putting off commitment for a moment more.

"Nero."

"Nero?" I say, breaking into an actual giggle. "You have got to be kidding me."

"I am not kidding," he assured me with a droll quirk to his lips, but otherwise seriously.

I thought about it.

"OK," I agreed. "So I will... ah, just meditate and call you, is that all that is required?"

"That's all that's required," he told me.

It was a deal. What aspect of me might he be? I don't know yet.

I stood up, he took my hand, and the landscape dissolved around us.

I found myself outside somewhere, and this thing ahead of me was truly bizarre looking. Like nothing I have ever seen in my life.

It was all puckered and vertically lined. Open at the top. Aol on volcano as it was just that shape, of the sort that are sort of short-fat with a notable opening at the top and verticle lines of wear around the edges. Except it was flexible, not hard like stone. And it seemed to be opening and closing in a cyclic way, as if there were activity, and energy going in and coming out, except hardly any energy, and it felt like old weary dried out thinning rubber. I had some sense that was not positive at all, but I couldn't articulate it. I didn't like it.

Instead of focusing on that I asked for more data and everything changed. I found myself flying high above an area and then coming down around the edge of a tall building that seemed like it was built somewhere 'high'. Alas, then I was out of time for the session, so in the end I had no real session here -- just a rather offbeat experience.

When I saw the feedback, I had the instant 'sense' that the weird thing I had seen, had been the crown chakra of the person in the target photo, and that it is really yucky. It was like a cross between a volcano and a sphincter and it was opening and closing in a rhythym, but it seemed all dried out, old and worn, grey-brown. I don't know how someone could be alive with a crown chakra like that. (Then again, see the feedback here. Maybe they can?)

I'm not going to claim that I viewed a chakra -- since it has no feedback! -- so perhaps that was only my imagination. Another session with zero viewing accomplished, but I suppose an interesting enough personal experience.

It occurred to me to wonder if perhaps this was a new, novel variant on the endless cycles of psychological resistance and denial to RV, but I decided no, I don't think so. I feel in my gut that there are some things that need to be going on with me right now, and I am not meditating much, so they have nowhere to happen but during my sessions. Sounds like my viewing may give me a good reason to meditate, in the end!

It's OK, I'm Not Real

I was shortly into a session when something arrived that I felt, even at the time, had nothing to do with the session, but was simply... happening during it. Perhaps because that is the only time I am not busy, the only time I "could" experience something that I might need to.

I saw a young woman, early 20's maybe. She had dark hair pulled back neatly, and wore an old fashioned dress. She had a pleasant but serious face and was a bit plump. She seemed to be in an era I would associate with maybe a couple centuries ago. She was sitting in front of something I knew was called a "spinnet," as if I knew that from her somehow, but which I vaguely recalled ("from me") was some kind of keyboard instrument in a past era. She was sitting on a bench to the left of another person whom I think she was teaching.

She saw me. When we made eye contact, I gasped, "You're ME!" -- I totally understand that she and I might have different bodies and live in different times but we "overlap" in the soul. She heard me, but instantly closed off perception; like a psychic block. She turned quickly back to what she was doing.

I went up between she and the other person and stared at her. She kept her eyes firmly focused ahead of her. I went around to her left and tried to get her attention. She continued trying to ignore me. I could see her third eye. I have seen this before when I've been out of body, although to my knowledge at this moment I was quite "in" my body (though I confess I was listening to hemi-sync™ at the time, so who knows).

It is nothing like the eastern drawings of a tiny eye between the brows. Rather, it is literally a sphere or globe, a little bit smaller than a ball from a pool table, and it's placed as if the forehead goes through the middle of it, just slightly below the middle of the forehead. The sphere is a sort of "thick cohesive-light, an energy-ball" in motion, but there is a clear sense of it being an eye and of its focus, except that somehow the 'eye' when you see it, also seems to convey emotions and more.

The eye followed my movement, perfectly aware of me. But 'she' was now concentrating very hard on the playing of the person next to her, deliberately trying to block out any perception of me. I felt this was a literal experience of me in some other reality; I mean, I felt that somewhere and somewhen, that young woman existed and had the experience of psychically perceiving me but then trying not to. I suppose psi perception is frightening for most.

I knew this had no relation to my target. I don't know why it occurred. I wrote down what I could of it after the event and before feedback, but I didn't expect any relationship between them. I couldn't get any data after that at all. Every time I tried, I had major body-abreactions, violent muscle jerks that told me I was "shunting off" the information, rejecting the data via the nervous system. I sighed, and ended the session. Not surprisingly, the target had nothing whatever to do with it. (It was... a duck. On the bright side, the last time I got 'a duck' as a target, I had a whole underground-caverns, men in army khaki's, very frightening session experience, so who knows, maybe I just have something very psychologically weird about . . . ducks!)

**

I didn't look at anything but her closely at all. In fact that is something I noticed the last time something anything like this occurred, was a rather interesting focus where despite that someone is sitting in an environment, despite some 'awareness' of the environment, it is like there is no peripheral vision whatever, only whatever I am paying attention to.

The last time was a few weeks ago I suppose. (I thought I had blogged this, but I guess not.) I was in the middle of a session, and suddenly rather "experientially" found myself standing in a doorway and looking in a room at this man. (I had a vague overlay of a room at The Monroe Institute for some reason. Perhaps I was OBE without realizing and that's why, who knows.) He looked to be perhaps east Indian in race, though he seemed American to me. He was dressed well, casually yet the sort that says he has either money or good taste or both. He was sitting on a couch and he had something on his lap he was paying attention to, that very indirectly / abstractly I thought of as a book. His hair was well past his shoulders, curly, but gathered neatly in a single braid or pony behind his neck.

Suddenly it was as if my staring at him got his attention and he looked up and saw me. "You can SEE ME!" I blurted out in astonishment. He apparently could hear me too, since his response was nothing short of "agog" level astonishment then. I realized he'd been sitting there with something on his lap and as I flew over to beside him I said, "Oh man! Are you VIEWING?!" and I looked down at his lap to see what he had, and he slammed something shut suddenly, so I couldn't see, seeming almost frightened of my sudden invasion of his space.

Then I was just sitting there in my session. My sense was that I had unintentionally run into someone else, who knows what a connect might be, but it felt like this-world real-time.

I found it curious that I'd had an experience similar to this with a man who was of East Indian race before. I mean this kind of thing doesn't happen to me daily after all, and I live in Oklahoma where "east" Indian race is pretty much nonexistent, so it is not like they are on my mind, and two experiences with a fellow fitting the same description seems a bit unusual. The previous one was a few years ago on a target of some fundie televangelist who'd told his congregation if they sent enough money for what he wanted, he would go down this giant waterslide. The photo is of him doing so, and nothing else. I was doing an experimental method on that particular session, of image-streaming, which in my view is a fabulous warmup but lousy as an RV method (too imaginative visually).

In the middle of the session I had, like the one above, a sort of "break" that was a minor world-its-own. I was watching this man who seemed to be an American yet of east-Indian heritage. He was wearing nothing but blue swim trunks, and he was all wet. His hair was short though not "too" short, and curly. He was walking alongside the edge of a pool, that I sensed was large and that there were lots of people there; I even sensed that somewhere in the environ there were tiny tables, though I've never seen anything like that in a pool environment. Anyway but the only thing I saw visually was him, and as he was walking he suddenly looked left---I was in a position that I suppose would have been hovering over the pool water a few feet to his side---and he SAW me, I could both see and feel his reaction. Then I was back sitting there in my session, wondering if I'd hallucinated all that, wondering how psychic a guy would have to be, to be that aware even outside of a meditative state. I wondered if it had anything to do with the target. Although the target was a waterslide and those lead into pools, still I don't know that it was related at all.

Anyway. On the second event, the man sitting in the room, given his response, I had to giggle a little afterward. Somewhere, someone is really kinda paranoid now and it is All. My. Fault.

The Bridge of Self

I've been doing viewing practice in an experimental series. You do a brief chakra meditation first, then focus on a given chakra, on intensifying its energy and asking 'through' that chakra for info. At each chakra you give yourself two or three prompts, writing/sketching data after each. The prompts are whatever you like but should be the same all the way through. I use 'tell me something that matters about this target' and 'give me what is most important about this target'. So far it has worked well enough. The change of chakra works like a new prompt, bringing new data. By the time I get to the end, if I've three prompts, it can be an hour. The data develops much as it does in any other model. The goal is to see if, over time and compilation, data of certain types (or via a certain perception-type) comes through more/less at certain chakras, or is more/less accurate at some. If nothing else a side effect is more chakra exercise.

I put the Narnia soundtrack on again (on my MP3 player with earbuds, gosh I love that thing, and how I love that soundtrack!) and did an inner guide meditation. I asked him to take charge of whatever he felt most needed doing on my part. He took my arm and we appeared on my bridge. That's the lonnnnng one, the high suspension bridge that seems to represent "me" and the length of it, this life. (I thought I had my meditations from the beginning of the year online to refer to but I see I don't. Dang. Well anyway...) It's a conscious-dream-construct, except spontaneous (the best kind). We appeared far from where I was last time. A good section of the bridge had nothing but some odd-looking light-colored cable-like shapes holding it together. Nearly the entire bridge at that point was "burned out" from underneath. Such a grevious wound. I wondered what part of my life or body (or both) this represented, but decided the point really was fixing it. My third of four, the captain overseeing the bridge reconstruction, came up beside me. My mate in the 'four' symbology, I looked at him and oozed love for awhile. Then I went back to the focus. It required a lot of effort, channeling energy and intent through me into some format that flowed and became the construction material to reconstruct the bridge. Finally it seemed all completed.

I turned to my guide, ready to leave, and I was falling asleep at that point, and there it went... I was about one molecule from sleep when my entire right-side of body gave a fantastic jerk so powerful it shocked me instantly awake and I looked up--to see my senior (the first of four), he was staring at me from inches away from my face, and I understood that he had 'caused' this massive physical abreaction, to get my attention and wake me up. I felt this large emotion difficult to articulate, but some degree of 'shocked awe-based fear' was involved because I had never realized that this 'spiritual aspect of me' could so physically affect my body.

"Join us inside the castle," he said. "More often. Come to the tower." In my sacred space used to be this tiny palisade that grew into a big castle when I wasn't looking last January. The four of us live in it, in a hilariously Narnia-like relationship that I swear I never grokked until this year, despite that my relationship with them has gone on since 1994. I sometimes go to the roof of the castle, and look out over a big river below and way off into the distant mountains. I don't go inside, after the early January meditations. I don't know why. I just haven't felt... like it was mine yet, somehow. I have never been in any part I would call 'the Tower'. But I guess I have to go. His... requests don't really allow argument.