Ceremonial Magick

The Changing Role of A Student, part 12

Many of the odd experiences I had tied into traditional occult symbolism, and a lot of egyptian stuff, and a lot of "entity" stuff. I also had some experiences that led me quite literally -- I mean it spelled itself out to me in dreams and "pushed me from the inside" -- into the occult.

Now this struck me as somewhat ironic at the time, since I had spent a good deal of time studying cult psychology. So the idea of becoming involved with what I would still accurately describe as a "small twisted cult" -- let alone one given to tantra, for godssakes -- was actually almost ridiculous. I mean if anybody ought to be better educated to avoid such traps (I consider the occult as much a "uniform" as organized religion, in its own way), it ought to have been me.

But it turned out that in the end, I simply followed what was inside me. I didn't really understand why I would have such experiences if I wasn't meant to be drawn to them, affected by them, pursue the meaning and exploration of them. I suppose some would say it was 'the devil tempting me'. Haha. And wouldn't you know, I never even got any sex out of it, since I never went past the first degree (and likely never will), and tantric stuff doesn't kick in until several degrees later.

In the meantime, I had quite a bit of fun with the 'secret society' stuff and meeting new people. I met one fellow and his wife whom I really liked, and did some workings with. (His nickname was LAW, and he coined this utterly hilarious term, referring to how left-brain dead one gets in an altered state during magick: "The Illiterati".) I had a whole lot of really bizarre and fascinating experiences.

And of course, I also met a whole legion of people, no pun intended, with whom I had zero in common, and who wondered what an uptight professional virgo was doing hanging out with the sometimes skanky nest of thelemites. As seemed common in my studies, I was drawn by my interest in the subject, and repelled by my disinterest in the average personality it seemed to draw to it, with whom I seemed to have little in common for the most part.

I was profoundly influenced by a man named Bill Heidrick, a high degree in the magickal order who was very much a sort of father figure. He was the only person I had met, besides my former teacher, who took my "experiential life" seriously. And he had a wry wit and was so grounded he was nearly anchored to earth's core; to him, nothing was a big deal. It helped me a lot when I really needed it. There is a quote from him in Bewilderness regarding aliens vs. entities.

This was a guy who majored in physics and knew several langues including Coptic (?!) -- somehow he was nothing like what I assumed or expected about people "into magick." Ceremonial Magick, and Wicca, are drastically different in the kind of personalities they tend to draw, that was the first thing to learn. And Ceremonial Magick, by its nature, is actually the closest thing to Remote Viewing the occult has, in my opinion. It is inherently of the same psi+intellect mold: you plan things ahead, you perform them carefully with great attention, you document your work, you evaluate your results. Unlike the pagan free-spirit, get-naked witch-parties that I thought represented "magic" work until that time, CM turned out to be a much more methodical, intense, and serious approach to many things. It touches everything from archetype work to energy work to conscious psi.

If I'd had more in common with more of the people I met, I might still be involved in that today. I am drawn to the idea of having a very close rapport with a small number of people you do serious energy work with. At least for now though, the likelihood of this ever happening seems slim. Where I live, I can't even find another human interested in RV. But there are probably 42 churches within 5 miles. Sigh!

So life kept moving on. I dramatically changed my life, my job, moved across the country, and continued having truly bizarre experiences, but they did seem to go through some cycles, or phases. The 'UFOlogy' aspect of them waxed and waned. A weird sense of being physically watched and some paranoia waxed and waned, and I consciously worked to let go of that, figuring that would make me crazy faster than anything else.

Another aspect started coming to the forefront of my experiences, the "dark side," things like programmed dreams, and stuff that seemed to involve para-military, although I was figuring that one way or another, it was psychology, and probably other "identities" just messing with my head, not something real and personal (like say, mind control or something). It was much more frightening than the other stuff, though.

I got married in early 95 but it was a bit of an unusual pairing, with a man who felt like someone I'd known a million years. "They" did always say "you have to be friends first", right? Well this turned out to be the kind of feeling that should probably not lead to marriage. And I have news for internet romance, you may know someone very well on the inside, but if they have some offbeat pathology that a person would literally have to be IN a physical relationship with them for some time to see manifest, all the email in the world before you made that leap won't save you.

I traveled around the country in '95 meeting people I had known for some time online. I met magickian friends, that was fun, and people I had met on the New Age Forum in Compuserve. I met some 'Walk-In' friends... that's a whole 'nuther road. I really enjoyed driving around a lot. And I visited the woman who had been my best friend for a few years when I was about 17-19.

I met other friends in spiritual realms; I met Jach, Michaell and Peny, the trio behind the "Lazarus" channel (Jach). They were unusually kind to me as a matter of fact. I owe them. Michaell and Peny died some time ago, tragically (Michaell committed suicide after Peny didn't wake up one morning. She was very overweight and I'm guessing sleep apnea and her heart did her in.). Jach has the empire to himself now I guess.

He was an extremely friendly guy. My impression on meeting him was that I wasn't really sure I bought the Lazarus thing -- remember my feelings at the time on channeling -- but I had the feeling he had spent so many years playing the role of the truly loving all-wise one that he had actually evolved thanks to it. He had a warm gold energy that just made me want to hug him like a big teddy bear.

He is extremely intelligent, as were Michaell and Peny, a fact I think a lot of people overlooked in all the spiritual hype. I am to this day not sure that the whole Lazarus thing is not something the three of them dreamed up together when they were in Law school and left... to become ridiculously rich thanks to Lazarus, and excellent money management. ;-) Maybe not. It's probably unkind of me even to say that. I just don't know anything either way. But in any case, I feel like I owe them all a good deal for being kind and positive in my life in a way not many had been before.

For a couple months (if that long?) while looking for a place in Seattle, I slept on the floor at Christopher's place. He was a young CM and Enochian magickian I'd met online. Very intelligent, very emotional, a handsome young man who was very screwed up from a childhood that made mine look like a Disney movie by comparison. I worked on memorizing The Calls. But those workings always seemed to bring the cat-eyed lizard guy entities, and their cohesive-light glowing red-orange orbs, and I was not real fond of them frankly. I started to shy away from Enochian. I was glad when I finally got an apartment that my husband could move down from Canada and join me in.

next up: part 13

Remote Viewing

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