Wednesday, March 05, 2008

It's Never Too Late for Another Heaven's Gate

Archived from the former firedocs blog. 26 March 2006

Well today, March 26, is the anniversary of the Heaven's Gate rapture... or whatever you call it when 39 somewhat screwed up people decide to kill themselves en masse.

Thanks to Dr. Courtney Brown, who apparently spent enough on the pedigree he couldn't afford to buy a clue, Remote Viewing will be forever-more associated with this curious event.

Special thanks to retired Major Ed Dames, of course, since only his special attention to his proteges seems to turn out people screwed up enough to go into the mass media and annihilate RV's reputation.

I notice that the hilarious website was bought by someone who has an advertising site there now, and all the USENET-style flaming humor about Heaven's Gate is gone.

So as a memorial to a bunch of people who at least believed in something, to a radio show host who will believe anything, and to all the people who talk to aliens and wonder if they're still sane, I offer this blast from the past of some old HG humor.

Why did the members really commit suicide?

-- Because they were trying to keep up with the Joneses.

Why were the Heaven's Gate cultists carrying quarters when they died?

-- Because the UFO driver accepts only exact change.

Why were the 39 really pissed off?

-- Because when they got to the UFO, they found out that their suitcases had been sent to Mars.

Why did many of the cult members castrate themselves?

-- Because they misunderstood the job requirement: "Wanted: UNIX programmers."

Top 13 Reasons Why the 39 Programmers Committed Suicide

13. They were AOL subscribers.

12. Sure-fire way to avoid the Year 2000 Problem.

11. Don't worry -- they're just rebooting.

10. Actually, they downloaded their personalities into a virtual reality simulator. (Only required 2 KB!)

9. Had met too many "Rules Girls."

8. Alan Greenspan made an offhand comment questioning the "irrational exuberance" about Java.

7. It's the normal fallout from breaking up with a cyberslut.

6. They got a totally wicked flame-mail from Bill Gates.

5. They found out there was no real person named Dana Scully.

4. It wasn't suicide. It was the Ebola macro virus.

3. They realized that "Comet Hale-Bopp" is an anagram for "HTML be poop, Ace."

2. The aliens told them that in the 21st century no one uses the Web.

1. They were trying to spam God.

Why did the men of the cult agree to the suicide?

-- They didn't have the balls to object.

What do you put on the toes of dead Web designers?

-- </BODY> tags.

What did the owner of the million-dollar mansion shout when he heard of the mass suicide?

-- "The security deposit is mine, all mine!"

What did the cult members ask their companions while putting on the plastic bags?

-- "Does my Zip-Loc bag show a green seal?"

What's the temperature now in Rancho Santa Fe?

-- Minus 39.

What's the official Heaven's Gate jingle?

-- "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't."

Did you see the new bumper sticker in Rancho Santa Fe?

-- So many stupid people -- So few comets!

Employment Opportunities in Rancho Santa Fe, California

Our web designing business has taken off like a comet! We now have 39 positions for team-playing computer programmers and web developers.

  • We will provide a luxurious residence and transportation for all selected applicants

  • Employees will live and interact with a friendly group of colleagues in a family-like environment

  • The good of a project must be above any personal concerns or artistic egos

  • Strict dress-code is required: black shirts and pants and black Nike sneakers

  • Buzz haircut for men, women, and eunuchs

  • We're looking for people interested in astronomy and the occult

  • Extensive, long-term travel is mandatory

  • Experience in vodka cocktail mixing and/or chemistry is a plus!

Note: Do not apply after comet Hale-Bopp leaves near-Earth orbit.

The Sky's the Limit!

Due to a sudden and unexpected shortage of qualified programmers and web designers, this upwardly-mobile southern California web page development firm is looking for highly motivated employees. We want you on our team if you are:

  • Despondent, fanatical, and easily manipulated

  • Inter-galactically minded

  • Like long hours of work

  • Prefer celibacy over sex

  • Have one testicle or less

  • Some Java experience preferred

  • Salary irrelevant

Our Benefits Package includes:

  • Free housing on our beautiful, freshly renovated, smoke-free El Rancho campus

  • Free uniforms, Nike sneakers and haircuts

  • Free on-site spiritual counseling (mandatory)

  • Free subscription to "Alien Abductions Illustrated" plus an all-expenses-paid trip to the annual Trek-o-Rama in sunny San Diego

  • Free room-service meals, including our famous all-you-can-eat "Phenobarbital Pudding" and "Guyanese Apple Sauce," both made from our own secret recipe

  • Free Group Afterlife Insurance

Please e-mail your résumé to


by Ben Radford

The stupid cult Heaven's Gate

Was run by a fruity bald-pate.

    Although all very nice

    They mixed UFOs and Christ

And wanted a similar fate.

There was a cult in San Diego

That believed every UFO fable.

    When Hale-Bopp came,

    They all went insane,

And now lie on a coroner's table.

Signs Your Webmaster Is in a Cult

  • Every link seems to take you to

  • Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's... Stoli, Mott's...

  • He brings twenty-three wives to the office holiday party.

  • Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days to the apocalypse.

  • Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.

  • His home page says: "Best viewed from the Mothership."

  • Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do stint handing out flowers at airport.

  • Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's "Site of the Day."

  • He or she has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.

  • Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "The X-Files" ends.

  • Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning to rescue the true believers.

  • Not only does he understand UNIX, he *is* one.

  • The big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of Charles Manson.

  • He only answers to the name, "Do-bert."

  • Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut; lives in a mansion; has many followers... Hey, wait a minute! That's Bill Gates!

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